Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ezekial

My name is Shake-Zula The Mike Ruler The Old Schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to ya.
Frylock and I'm on top rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock.
Meatwad make the money see? Meatwad get the honeys, g.
Driving in my car living like a star ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus.
Uh, check-check it, yeah 'cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream.
'Cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream ? Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Number One in the hood, g.
[doorbell rings] Daddy? Next door.
[knocking] Daddy! No, no! You're uh You're probably thinking the guy next door.
Big fat guy.
You take care.
[trigger cocks] That's right.
Get lost.
[knocking] Hi! Can I help you? Daddy? I don't think so.
But you do look like someone I know.
Mommy? But that's impossible 'cause he has no penis.
Hey, is he gone?! No.
He's right here.
You want to talk to him? No, no! Daddy! I don't! Send him away.
Hey, little guy.
Why don't you come in for a bit.
It must be hot outside.
Daddy?! Don't do it-- hey, hey! We were just talking about you.
Yay! Daddy, Daddy, up, please! Daddy, Daddy, up, please! Yay! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Up, please, please, please! Up, up, up! Please, please, please! Daddy Pick him up, Shake.
He wants to be picked up.
You pick him up.
He's your son.
Please, please, please.
Come here, little man.
Look at you.
Aagh! You gotta wash your hands before you pick a baby up.
He can see the bacteria burning into his flesh.
What's your name, little man? I don't have a name.
No one ever gave me one.
Well, Shake Aren't you gonna name your son? Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Aw! Is this your bastard? Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Daddy! He ain't mine! Well, now that you say it, I can totally see the resemblance, especially in, like, the cup region.
I don't know if you can see it, but I can definitely see you guys both looking cup-like.
Look, yes.
I have banged hundreds of broads internationally.
But know this: I wrap my rascal two times 'cause I like it to be joyless and without sensation as a way of punishing supermodels.
Yeah, well, let's see what a DNA test would say about that.
Oh, that's where it starts.
Then pretty soon he's gonna want for his stomach.
You know, I counsel dogs in better shape than you.
Free-jacking all around here like you're Mick Jagger.
Listen! Why don't you go hustle on down to the soup kitchen, Mick.
[sobbing] Wait a minute! Wait! Don't go! Come back! Come back, Little Shake! [sobbing] Daddy! Daddy no want me.
I'm gonna take a bus to Reno.
Oh, no.
That won't do.
Why don't you just stay here with us until you're old enough to leave home.
Hurray! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Hurray! Yeah.
I want to name him.
Can I name him? No, he's my son.
I--no! No, he's not my son! Nobody can prove that.
I'm gonna name you Jesus Ezekial Jesus.
And that's from the Bible.
Ez-zek-kial? That's a good name.
Ezekial! I am Ezekial! That is me! Ezekial is--I am.
Let's everybody have a group hug for Ezekial.
Group hug! Group hug! Group hug for Ezekial! I'm the sherriff! Come on in here, Shake.
Yeah, sit and spin.
Swimming! Yay! Swimming! Hey, Zeke, over here.
Swimming, yay! Ha ha.
A booga-booga-booga-boo! A booga-booga-booga! No booga-booga! No booga-booga! Meatwad, he can speak English, you know.
Well, that is English.
Come on, Zekey! Swim to Papa.
Oh, Papa, Papa! Swimming.
Come on, you can do it.
There you go, Shake.
See? Swimming.
And here he goes.
No, Shake.
Yes, Frylock.
Keep your chin up.
You don't want to breathe that in.
[coughing] Zeke, are you ok?! I am a swimmer! He could have drown in there, Shake! Meatwad's right! I know.
That's why I did it.
We can't afford college.
Shake's right.
Zeke, I'm so sorry.
Look, will y'all both hold on? No one's going to college, all right? When he gets to be old enough, he can work security at the mall.
Yay, security at the mall! I'm gonna shine a flashlight.
My son is not gonna be secure for anything! He is going to be a professional basketball star because that is what his what his father demands of him.
Ready? Yes! Achieve on 3.
One! One! Two! Two! Go Team Shake! Go Team Shake! Bounce Pass! Pick the roll, D! [grunting] Will you-- Hey, watch the one! Come on! They got us in a Zone D! Will you get off me, Shake?! Personal Foul! I cannot believe you did this! This is a friendly game, you asshole! Go on, feed me the rock.
I'm down low.
Meatwad, your man's free over there.
Get your man, Meatwad.
Shut up, boy.
I got my man boxed in over here.
You deal with your own business.
I want to play race car.
What are you doing standing around?! Run to it! Don't let the ball come to you.
You go to the ball! Now, now, shoot! The clock's ticking! Two, one, shoot! Uhn! Come on! Come on! In the hole! Go in! Nothing but net! Yay! Yay! Oh! Go in! Go in! Get in that net, you crazy whore! Oh! God! You suck at basketball! Uhn! Boom! Go back to your mama! Uhn! Uhn! [sobbing] [sighs] Come here.
Why do you disappoint me? Second by second, you waste my time.
Shake, Shake, Shake, let's just have some fun out here, ok? Why? He sucks.
Come on, Sucky.
Before you ruin the entirety of my future.
Shake-- the only reason God doesn't erase you from the face of the Earth is because you amuse Him somehow.
Shake, you're out of line now.
Don't you tell me who's out of line.
I'm his father.
I know what's right for him.
All right, pal, you ready? Yes! One, two-- Go Team Shake! Ok.
Second serve now.
Uhn! Ok.
Hey, hey, foot-faulted.
He foot-faulted! I am a tennis star! No, no, no, no, no! Don't look at your feet! Keep your eye on the ball and then maybe it won't go sailing off over the fence, you see? [sobbing] But you hit it over the fence, boy.
I saw it.
Please do not undercut me in front of the child.
I am 30 or 40 years old, and I do not need this.
Well, which one? Is you 30 or 40? I don't know.
Do you understand me?! [grunting] Thank you.
That's nice.
[groaning] Shake, Shake! Wake up! What are you doing? My son He doesn't listen.
Look, whatever.
Get out of my car.
It's freakin' 3 bucks a gal-- how long have you been running this engine? What, you think I should pay for this? No.
Yeah, that's right.
You're dead.
You don't have to worry about it.
Meanwhile, your bowels are leaking all over the dash, staining my shag carpet.
That's freakin' authentic red pleather.
That ain't cheap! Yeah.
Smells like freakin' exhaust in here.
You know why I had car wash people put Cocoa Butter smell in there? Because I want prostitutes to feel welcome.
I don't want them to feel like it's a deathtrap.
I'm sorry, Carl.
It appears I failed you as well.
I'm sorry.
I should not have unloaded on you like that.
Here's a steak knife.
Go kill yourself on your lawn.
Hey, Shake, what you doing? I only want my son to feel guilty for what he's doing to me.
Drag him out here So he can watch me slit my own throat.
Oh, he's inside slaying the Chess Dragon.
King e-2 to e-3.
Bishop e-5 to d-4.
King e-3 to e-103.
You can't do that! That square does not exist! That is a blatant violation of the governing rules! king f-u to c-k.
Yeah! Checkmate! You're the hippopotamus! [roaring] All right! Yeah, Zeke! Ain't nobody never beat Chess Dragon.
Not even me-- and I'm retarded.
This little guy beat Chess Dragon? That's right! My son! My seed hath slain the Chess Dragon! Yeah.
Uh, about that, we need to talk.
What's there to talk about? The only talk I have is with the Olympic committee.
No, I mean he's not your son.
I know you never had sex.
I've hit that.
Ha ha.
Hit what? Booty.
What? Where? Who? With what? I will address each question as the time comes.
Look, I checked your DNA when you were passed out in Carl's car.
There's no match.
Vroom! In fact, Zeke is older than you are.
I'm 4,000 years old! Right.
Like there's two talking milk shakes.
[roaring] Flying! Flying! I'm having an adventure! There were.
F-finger puppets f-f-f-finger puppets f-finger puppets f-f-f-f-finger puppets f-f-finger puppets