Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Laser Lenses

My name is Shake-Zula The Mic Rula The old schooler You want to trip? l'll bring it to you Frylock, and l'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, ''G'' Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star lce on my fingers and my toes, and l'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, ''G.
'' [ alarm buzzing ] Frylock: [ yawns ] [ alarm stops ] Another day.
Uh-oh.
Where are my contacts at? Where are my contacts? Yo! Meatwad! You seen my contacts? Hey! Has anyone seen my con-- MASTER SHAKE: Booyah! [ laughs ] Yeah! Seen what, now? l'm looking for my contacts, Shake.
Have you seen them? Seenwhat? Contacts, Shake! Starring Jodie Foster.
Yeah, l've seen that movie -- twice.
My contacts.
My eyes.
Come on.
McConaughey as a theologian? Please.
That's a stretch.
But when he was in ''Texas'' lll, with the hydraulic leg that was for reals, y'all.
Whoa! What the hell was that?! You smell that? Smoke? Drop and roll! Hurry! Frylock, save yourself! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get out of the house! Well, which way? The flames are tickling your buttocks! Hurry up, man! Where's the door, l got to get out of -- aah! MASTER SHAKE: Look at him.
Drunk again, Frylock! Everyone here got eye lasers except for me.
What did l do wrong to god? Eye lasers? My contact lenses! Shake, give them back.
What? What, these? They were just sitting therein your eyes.
These are dinner plates, Shake, and they still have food on them! Well, your eyes look very hungry.
And those eyes need to eat! MEATWAD: Hey, l got an idea.
Let's take them eye lasers next door and mouth off to Carl.
MASTER SHAKE: Now you're talking.
- Pop off at him.
- Gonna pop off the wires.
Shake, wait.
You can't overuse them.
They'll do serious damage to your eyes.
Wow.
You know what? Booyah! l will totally annihilate that bridge when l come to it.
And l'm not real happy about your tone right now.
We gonna be popping off to him.
l've been working on one all week.
Wait till you hear it.
lt involveshis genitals.
Yo, chubs! Hey! Hair ball! [ chuckles ] Okay.
l'm sorry.
Are you talking to me there? You spin around and you direct your attention to me! Yeah, you had your cholesterol checked recently? You probably got a heart condition coming on.
[ chuckles ] Oh, yeah.
You serious? Yes, big boy.
You got a death wish or something here? l'm gonna hop in my pool right now and do a few laps.
And when l get out, you have better, if you know what's good for you, have a warm towel for me, hot out of the dryer.
And l mean hot! l will not say it again, so if l were you, l'd get those cottage-cheese thighs moving to the laundry room and eat a salad once in a while.
But time is money.
Time is money.
You give us some money.
And my time right now is devoted to laps.
Man, you told him.
You told him! Yeah, l know that l did.
lt's just so easy.
l got to tell you, Milkshake, your mouth is really writing some checks that your cup can't cash.
ls that right? Well, then why don't you deposit this in your bank of choice? Bo-o-o-o-m! - No! - You take it! The breakfast nook! - Yeah.
- Aah! lt was a whole Tuscan theme! MEATWAD: Yeah, boy! You did it! Whoo! [ chuckles ] What? You calling me ''boy''? No.
Do l look like a small child to you? Of course not.
lt's a term of endearment.
l just -- you know, like, l love you, you love me, right? We're a big, happy family? Please don't hurt me.
Yes, yes.
Sally Forth.
Fetch me my floaty, knave.
Oh, yeah, boy.
l mean -- l mean yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
[ splash ] Ugh.
Ugh! We have talked about this before.
l like it at 7 -- this clearly says 6.
8.
CARL: What's gotten into you, cup? You put fertilizer on your balls last night? Yes.
But that is none of your concern.
And to clarify, you will speak when spoken to.
No, l think l speak when l want.
lt's a free country, Jack.
Oh, you like to be free, huh? Well, feel free to feel your ass burn! Aah! So young.
So naive.
You got it? You got the page? Not really.
How do you spell ''contact''? With a ''C,'' Meatwad, with a ''C.
'' So it is with a ''C''? That's the circle-looking one right? Or the one with the two sticks crossed? Two sticks crossed? That's how l remember it, but, you know don't pin me down.
That's either an ''X'' or a ''K,'' Meatwad, and neither one of those are in that word.
l'm gonna sing the song -- l know the song.
No, no, no, Meatwad.
Just focus, focus.
Look, l need you to focus.
Well, one of them is my favorite of the letters.
You remember when that puppet on the TV said it? And then l turned to you.
l said, ''that's my favorite letter.
'' Remember? Remember? Oh damn, l'm getting sleepy.
Look, just type it in, Meatwad, okay? Okay, l'm coming out.
l'm coming out.
Please don't -- l told you not to shoot! Come on! MASTER SHAKE: ls this a game to you? lt's not! lt's not! Please! 'Cause it is to me! Aah! Look, l ordered the Mongolian beef, like you said.
lt was the combination 79.
l got the menu right here.
You circled it! And l changed my mind before they got here! Look, we can reorder.
l was to receive multiple little corn cobs, and that is not what l got.
That ain't necessary.
Aah! Relax, okay?! W-we can reorder! Your time is running out, my friend.
l'll come back with as much tiny corn as you want.
And all the mini vegetables.
'Cause l know you need your health! You keep making mistakes, and sooner or later, l'm gonna have to put you down.
Meatwad, you need to hurry.
All right.
There we go.
l got it.
You did?! But this computer lt ain't on.
l should have said something to you.
l just didn't want to, you know, shatter your dreams.
Let's start with the word ''contact.
'' - Aah! - How is it spelled? Whoa! What was that? That was a mishap.
And that will mis-happen again and again until l get my mini corn.
Ooh! ls that a computer? Shake, you know what it is.
And, uh, what is it now? MEATWAD: lt's all right, Frylock.
l got the order in.
Overnight delivery.
- You did? - What order? l got confirmation right here.
Excuse me.
Order? Oh, yeah! My man! Good job, Meatwad! What order?! [ mariachi music plays ] lt's that special ice cream l wanted -- from Central America.
Every day is my birthday now, man.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's fine, but where are the contact lenses? Oh, man.
Yeah.
l don't know what to tell you.
We had to make some sacrifices.
Did you want some? Feels a little melted to me.
That's how l saved on the shipping.
The ice cream is bad.
lt displeases me greatly.
You know what? You have to go to sleep sometime, Shake.
And when you do, l'll be there to pluck out those lenses.
Oh, is that right? Uh-huh.
See? You're losing energy.
Wait.
That is right! Damn it.
But the viper still stings, does he not? Nope.
Not really.
Well l got an idea.
Now l'm gonna catch some Z's, and for your sake, l hope it doesn't rain.
And, Carl, when l get up, the sheets had better be different.
'Cause your Lawrence Taylor linen set is not a sexual turn-on when l'm jerking off in your bed.
- He was a champion! - Yeah.
You don't touch those sheets! All over your precious water bed! CARL: l'm gonna get you, cup, if it's the last thing l do! Yes, l'm sure you will.
And by ''sure,'' l mean l highly doubt.
[ chuckles ] Yeah, l think l'm gonna take a nap, too.
Frylock: Wait a minute.
Wait! Meatwad: Have a good one.
l'll catch you on the flip.
- Meatwad, wait! - Wait on what? Look, l told you -- l am sleepy, boy.
What do you want from me? Get the key.
Get the key from Shake.
He's got it on him.
MASTER SHAKE: [ snoring ] [ snorts ] No! The lenses! [ rustling ] Meatwad, is that you? Thank god! Did you get the key? MEATWAD: l got what l need.
Now l think l'm gonna tell you what l want.
Yeah! That looked good! Carl: Aw, Meat Man.
You took his friggin' eyeballs out? Oh, that's intense.
Yeah, you didn't have to take his eyeballs, man.
Damn.
Yeah, l did.
MASTER SHAKE: Okay, fools.
l have re-energized, and you will be receiving the dividends of my constant laser spanking.
Where are you? l'm only gonna ask that once.
My second question is where the fuss are my eye-- Forgot l had these in my pocket.
And they still work! And now you don't.
Booyah! And the spare! CARL: You ought to just go ahead and get the corrective surgery.
l heard it messes with your night vision.
l've heard good things about it, though.
Think -- not having to have that saline, not having to keep up with glasses Listen, the technology is improved.
lt's hard to say no to.
lt's so expensive, though.
CARL: Yeah, but it's gone down the past couple years.
This one cousin of mine -- you know Terry -- he ain't a medical doctor.
He's self-taught, though.
He passes the savings on to you.
[ grinding, buzzing ] [ saw buzzes, noise stops ] FRYLOCK: Well, l can see perfectly.
What do you think? CARL: l'm repulsed.
Yet attracted to you.
Gonna show me a little cleave? l'm good with that.
Yeah, l do good work.
Come on.
Show them how you look at stuff.
l, uh l do have to open my bra to to see.
But l got no problem with that.
See that? l do top-notch work.
So, did you, um l'm not interested, but did he add the lasers for you? Frylock: How's that article going? lnteresting.
Very in-depth.
Very, uh, fascinating.
l'm reading about Marg-- Who am l kidding?! l can't see it! Who took my eyes?! My precious, beautiful eyes! Hey.
Who's the friggin' cup? ls this Master Shake? MASTER SHAKE: That's me.
What are we knocking out today? Uh, penis extension -- maximum legally allowable.
We don't do that.
Come on.
What kind of an operation you think l run here? This is a legitimate medical Uh, van.
This is a van.
Well, then l guess l'll have to do it myself! Thanks a lot, asshole! What's the matter? Jealous? Huh? Feel the texture.
Yeah! Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden