Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Chic Magnet

My name is Shake-Zula the mic ruler, the old schooler You wanna trip? l'll bring it to you Frylock, and l'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, ''G'' Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star lce on my fingers and my toes, and l'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, ''G'' Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, it's here! lt's here! Everybody come out and look! MEATWAD: Little bit left.
Little bit left.
Higher, higher.
And Drop it! What in tarnation is -- - Mine is what it is! You don't touch it or look at it.
But if you would be so kind as to plug it in, please? - Okey dokey, smokey.
Are you getting smart with me? - No.
- You better watch your mouth or that mouth will come off.
Okey, dokey, smoke-- um, artichokey.
Now, that's better.
'cause vegetables are the core of the universe.
What the hell happened to the roof? What do l look like, a carpenter? All l do know is she better fix it when she arrives.
She? She who? - You know, the collective ''she.
'' All women of the world! For behold, the ultimate chick magnet! [ roars ] ''Plug it in and let the fun begin.
'' - MEATWAD: Mm-hmm.
- ''Big booty time tonight.
'' - Yeah.
- ''Penis will touch vagina in a big and exciting way.
'' Alright, yo! ''All purchases are final.
'' Hmph.
Meatwad, open all the windows and doors.
l don't want anything slowing down the river of coos that's gonna be flowing in here.
- And, what's this? - Sex lube.
MEATWAD: Hey, baby.
Where you from, baby? lt comes with the stud package.
- lt says, ''sex lube not included in sex lube bottle.
'' - Hey, baby.
Touch them for me, baby.
l'm so into you, baby.
l love you, baby.
Rub my butt, baby.
Those are patented pick-up lines crafted for me and my specific situation.
- Where you going, baby? Don't run out on me, baby.
l'll stalk you, baby.
- lt doesn't make sense, what you're doing.
l still don't see no women, baby.
- What's up? [gunshot] ls it plugged in yet? lt's been plugged in.
Well, plug in it harder! See, it sends out waves of vibrating joy -- Yeah, yeah, l've seen the commercial.
Yeah, well, it works on the commercial.
l know.
lt does.
- So you know how it works, then.
- lt's a commercial.
- Yeah, and that's just a demonstration.
Turn it up to ''Caligula.
'' - Uh, there's no settings.
- Obviously, a part is missing, the part that pulls in the coos.
Ain't nothing in here.
But this screw.
- Throw it away! lt's extra! - No, l'm sure the screw goes in here somewhere.
- No! No! lt's a double entendre.
For the screwing that's gonna happen.
- Yeah.
You gettin' screwed.
Oh, is that right? l will take this to the nightclub, and we shall see who is getting screwed.
Hardest! [grunts] [grunts] [ music plays ] [wheels squeaking] How's it going? Anybody see an outlet? l know they're getting electricity 'cause, uh, frequently these lights, they run on it.
[laughs] Yeah, l'm an engineer.
You know, l have electricity back at my pad.
And l got the mad cash to pay for it, too.
l'm into sex.
This is a sausage factory! [grunts] [sighs] Well, how did it work? [sighs] lt was awesome! l mean, l got so laid it's dangerous for my life.
l think l may need to return this.
Oh, no, you can't do that.
See, Meatwad ate the box, the receipt, and the proof of purchase.
Done pooped it out.
l got hyper bowels.
Well, that's just great! l kept your screw.
You want the screw? Throw it away! lt's worthless! No, no.
l didn't -- No, l did not order it.
Yes, l am Studhouser, and yes, my pin is 6969.
But l did not order this, sir.
And l'll have you know l am no stranger to litigation.
Been sued many times, enjoy every second of it.
Oh? Oh, is that right? That's the sound of my precious chick magnet being demolished because you could not give me a straight answer.
Let me speak to your supervisor.
Oh, he's on the moon, is he? All right, fine.
When do you expect him back? Two thou-- 2032.
Okay, but you radio him this -- l am angry, and l want my money back.
l will take a free bottle of sex lube.
This is not a trade-off, though.
Okay, goodbye.
Thank you, Charles.
Well, what did they say? They are paying me to advertise the product.
Can you believe it? No.
Well, l do.
FRYLOCK: l really wish he'd just get rid of that magnet.
lt looks so awful in the living room next to that chair, don't you think, Meatwad? l mean, l wish they could just redo the whole room.
Maybe you could drop a hint to him, like, ''This magnet will look better out on the street'' and ''l hate this magnet'' and ''This magnet sucks.
'' You know, you're right.
Put on some tea and heat up those little cakes he likes, and l'll go talk to him.
[TV playing, magnet roars] Shake, we need to talk.
Yes, we do.
'cause Oprah is about to give everyone in the audience a Ford Taurus! Ooh! What book is she reading this week? The Pregnant Mind.
And seriously, has she ever looked better? l don't think so.
Commercial! What's up? - Umm.
Oh, nothing.
Here's some tea.
And those cakes that you like.
- That is so sweet.
lt's a sweet treat from the sweetest person l know.
You're welcome.
[sniffling] Are you okay? [sniffles] Just allergies.
l couldn't.
l just couldn't tell him.
He never thinks about my feelings.
Oh, come on, now.
He just doesn't communicate it properly.
He's so ashamed of that purchase.
You're helping him turn the page on a difficult chapter.
That's what Oprah would say.
Wait a minute, why am l on this Stairmaster? What the hell is wrong with me? That magnet is a [expletive] eyesore, and it's gone today.
[gasps] Ooh! Stationery! l love it.
l know.
l saw it, and l said, ''That is so Shake.
'' First off, l love this paper.
l'm keeping it.
You're gonna get this back wrapped around something else.
- l know how much you love to write little notes of encouragement.
- Well, l can tell who's gonna get a little thank you note.
l think l'm gonna craft it right now.
Oh, by the way, l was wondering - Yeah, what's up? - [clears throat] Um what do you think about this? l'm thinking about, you know, putting a designer pastel over everything in the room, but mostly the magnet.
l -- Do you -- Do you not like it? Oh, no, no, no! l love it! l love it.
l just thought a little pastel, you know, would dress the place up a little.
You know, that is so thoughtful.
l'm picturing it now, and l think it would look amazing.
Why couldn't l just say that, ''l don't like your stupid magnet! And it's my house, too!'' Why couldn't l say that? - Well, you need to look in the mirror.
'cause they show reflections.
- You know, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
l have no one to blame but myself.
Have some self-respect, Frylock.
Stand up to him.
What did you have in mind here? l think a cherry would be wonderful.
Something that really, sorta accents the green in the Astroturf.
Gives it a whole sort of garden motif.
- Meatwad! Why the [expletive] are we in a fabric store? - 'Cause you said we gonn' get a -- l hate the fabric store.
What's going on here? Tea and cakes? Stationery gifts? lt's that magnet.
lt's pulling our feminine side up to the surface.
And it's gone today, man! lt's gone.
Wait a minute.
Did you get new shoes? - No, but l sure need some.
l mean, look at these.
They're so last year.
[giggles] Let's go shopping.
We'll make a day of it.
Pedicure, brunch? - No brunch for me.
l feel bloated.
- Aw, listen to him.
Skinny as a rail, he'll never stop.
Yeah, you know me, l just get a little crazy during my -- my period?! My period?! - Frylock, over here.
''Dear Frylock, your smile lights up my day.
You are smart, funny, caring, and such a true friend to me.
So would you please get rid of that magnet that's causing us to act like women and write little notes to each other and give out gifts all the time whenever we get near it.
'cause l like when we were men and we froze a squirrel and sawed it in half.
Smiley face, Meatwad.
Get rid of the magnet.
l thought you liked it.
- l kinda don't.
But you like it, and that's what matters.
- No, then get rid of it.
l'm not sure where the remote will sit.
l guess l can hold it in my hand.
Just because you don't like what l like does not mean we can't still be friends.
- l know, l'm so sorry.
- No, because l am sorry.
- No, Shake, l'm sorry.
- No, no, l'm sorry.
Well, [expletive] you, too! - No, [expletive] you, [expletive]! - No, 'cause it's [expletive] you, time! - [groaning] Oh, l said it to your face a number of times.
Well, my face wasn't looking, and my ears weren't [expletive] listening.
And your teeth are about to stop chewing, too! And what's that mean, Big Man!? - lt was an awkward attempt at telling you that l'm about to kick the teeth out your head! Well, l did not l did not get that initially.
[arguing continues] Carl, can you help me with this? l'm just butterfingers with tools, and l just don't want to get any sweat on my bonnet.
What's in it for me? - A friendship hug to warm your soul.
l'll do it.
You just stay back.
Don't want any of your ooze or juices around me.
[sighs] All of a sudden, for no reason at all, l feel very fat.
Oh, my goodness, look at my ass.
lt's hideous.
- lt's not bad.
Sure, your ass is big, but it's not bad.
- Oh, it's awful.
l'm starting the diet today.
- Well, maybe you should change your sweat pants.
Black is the slimming shade.
But that's just masking the problem, and l'm not looking inside, where the real problem is.
[sobbing] My self-esteem! - Carl, don't! That's not what l meant.
[women screaming] Hey, y'all.
l'm Meatwad.
Wait, wait.
Shut up.
Shut up, shake! You hear that? - [gasps] Look over there! - What? Ow! - You got schooled, son! FRYLOCK: Oh, no, no! Don't you walk away from me! Where you going? - SHAKE: Well, obviously, l'm gonna tape up my hands! l cannot ruin my meal ticket when l'm beating your face so hard! - Well, l used all the tape taping up a present for ya.
lt's a knuckle sandwich.
- Well, l'm not hungry! - Well, you wrap it up and eat it later, then.
- You gonna step to me? What are you, a wizard? Let's go!