Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Creature From Plaque Lagoon

My name is Shake-zula, the Mic Ruler The old schooler You want to trip? l'll bring it to you Frylock, and l'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, ''G'' Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star lce on my fingers and my toes, and l'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' And the girlies wanna scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies wanna scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, ''G'' - Dick! Fore! ls it loose? No, not yet.
Better do it again.
All right.
How about now? No.
Still good.
Ah, topped it.
You just hit me in the cheek.
Hold on a minute.
l gotta change clubs.
This is fun.
Check it.
Still in there.
Come on, l hit that one really solid.
You need to open up your stance more.
Hold still.
Do not make me slice.
Well, you're flying open on your follow through.
Lean back on your backswing.
l mean, obviously you're gonna slice it.
There she is! Dang, boy, that's my dang eyeball over there.
So what have we learned from this? Do not talk during my backswing.
What are y'all doing? We're gettin' rich.
What the hell does it look like? Yeah, we gonna knock out my last tooth and leave it under my pillow so when the tooth fairy comes, we gonna nab her and demand all the money.
And then we will invest said money in a series of CDs and sensible international bonds in my name, possibly some currency exchanges.
There's still a few things we're working out on it, but the basic plan is that.
Assuming an annual rate of return of, let's say, 8, 8 1/2%, we should be able to retire at d-dozen egg-- little nest egg.
l'm so hungry.
Obviously it's a volatile market.
All right.
Just don't break the lamp.
We got us a lamp? Shut up! And say ''cheese!'' Cheese! Fore! Jackpot! Yeah! Hooray! Ow! See now l found the sweet spot.
Ow! Wait, l ain't got no -- l ain't no more teeth -- ow! You cleaned me out! Okay, is the tooth under the pillow? MEATWAD: Check.
Copy that.
SHAKE: Roger that.
Now, very important, are you asleep? MEATWAD: That's a big 10-4, good buddy.
No you're not.
Go to sleep.
l'm sleep-talking.
Well, you need to be sleep shutting up.
Come on, l need that nest egg.
Okay, l'm going to sleep now, copy that.
Okay, having trouble going to sleep.
Counting sheep.
Cannot count.
Tell me a story.
SHAKE: Oh, my go-- Okay, all right.
There once was a lonely little dart and all the other darts made fun of him.
But this dart was no ordinary dart, for he was filled with a mixture of 10cc telazol and diazepam, a dangerous tranquilizer used by equine veterinarians.
What happened to him? Well, he huff, and he puffed, and -- The end.
Tooth Fairy! Hand over all that change, bitch-- Dumb ass.
Ain't no tooth fairy.
MAN: What do you think you're doing? Whoa! Well, l just -- Drop that tooth and back over to the wall.
Okay, okay, just take the TV, take the quarter, take whatever you need -- [ laughs ] Fools! l don't want your money! l have this tooth.
And it's all l need! Then who are you? The Creature from Plaque Lagoon! Please tell me you floss.
Uh, sometimes.
Liar! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Look, l got a quarter.
The Tooth Fairy came! The silver! lt's mine! Great, so you can fit us both in? No, we do not have dental insurance, which in my opinion is a complete racket! No offense, but you dentists make enough money without having to hustle me with insurance.
No, no, Shake.
Let me talk to them.
l can handle this, thank you.
No, l do not have a major credit card.
What l plan to do is to pay by offering my services as a gigolo to your dissatisfied housewife.
Well, that's the last of 'em! The friggin' dental industry -- Unbelievable! They're supposed to help people! ''Creature from Plaque Lagoon.
'' Dang, look at that.
He got him a website.
Skip flash intro.
That's creeping me out.
Gender is male, occupation is tooth-stealer.
SHAKE: lnterests include disease, mouth bacteria, video games, just hanging out with friends, and finally completing a toothship to return to Tooth Planet.
WONGBURGER: Finally, tonight l will have enough dicks to complete the Dickship and return to Dick Planet.
SHAKE: Contact him.
Hit ''contact.
'' That's how you contact him.
l know how the internet works, okay.
Well, then your training is complete.
You barely passed, by the skin of your ass.
Plaque Lagoon is in Vermont? Nah, man, that's too far.
Skiing in Vermont.
Big ski town.
That's right.
We can stay with Bob Newhart at his inn, on TV on CBS.
lt be like a vacation, y'all.
l have a slightly better idea.
Well, it better be a whole lot better.
Because l like Bob Newhart.
As a friend.
For the record, this is a shit idea.
Look, your gums are so dissolved, they're gonna fall out anyway.
When is Bob Newhart gonna get here? Yeah, where is Bobby? Shut up.
l hear something.
Bobby is what l call Bob Newhart when he calls me on the phone.
Be quiet.
l speak with Bobby pretty regularly.
We got so much in common.
First off, we share the same agent.
Yeah, you know that show Newhart? Originally, it was supposed to be called Milkshake.
But they couldn't get me.
Shake, shut up.
See, l was over at Paramount gripping on Days of Thunder.
'Cept for me, it was just ''Day of Thunder,'' 'cause l got fired that afternoon.
MEATWAD: Who is Bob Newhart? Shut the fuck up! l got you, you son of a bitch! What the -- who are you? lt's the Tooth Fairy, y'all! No, l'm Gary, Gary the Dairy Fairy.
Oh, okay.
See, l leave glasses of warm milk and cheese and yogurts, to help build strong bones and teeth.
l'm more of a preventative, like dietary fairy.
Ah, nobody cares.
Oh, no, no no.
We were listening.
That was beau-- Do you have any money? Give us your money.
Oh, well, here's some coins.
Doubloons! Of beautiful patinaed silver! Made of cheese.
They're designed to get kids excited about calcium, but all kids care about are video games where you steal cars and have sex with Russian prostitutes.
Hey, where is that stuff happening? l have an idea for a video game where you floss twice daily to fight off gum depletion.
ln fact, it's not a game at all.
lt's called flossing! Okay, well, it was really great to meet you.
And, uh, l will catch up with you later.
Oh, no.
The Creature from Plaque Lagoon.
He's been here, hasn't he? That's the one.
That son of a bitch.
Do you know him? l wish that l could say no.
He is a close personal friend of mine.
But we have one issue where we completely disagree.
Dental hygiene.
Follow me to Plaque Lagoon.
ls this Vermont? This is a Better Buy! Well, this is where Plaque Lagoon used to be.
Well, it isn't now! Oh! That's right! He moved! l forgot! Well, you guys wanna go in and see what's new on Blu-ray? Yeah, look okay, maybe you oughta go buy a damn GPS so you can find out where your goddamned friends live, okay? Well, he's not so much a friend.
l mean, if l see him l say hey, but it's not like we hang out or anything.
l mean, it's not like l hate him.
We just differ on one really important issue.
Okay, okay.
We get it.
He's a casual acquaintance.
Well, he's more than casual.
l mean, l've known him for a while.
But it's not like l'm in love with him, or you know, Look! lt's the Creature from the Plaque Lagoon! Oh, hey.
What are -- What are you doing here? Are you following me? How's it going, man? You don't look like much of a creature.
He is, believe me.
Do you know how much those braces cost me? l don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Well, does this refresh your memory? And that's just a small taste of my anger.
Look, stop accusing -- l don't know you.
l will also do that to your groin and then your face if you do not comply.
Uh, Shake, l don't think this is the guy.
No, no, l am the Creature from Plaque Lagoon, okay? But someone stole my identity and has made a lot of dental- related purchases with my fucking credit card.
Just 'cause that's my name, doesn't meant that l'm into that.
There, l've answered your question, now you help me.
Open the van.
WONGBURGER: Expires 1 1/09.
Yes, l am he.
The Creature from Plaque Lagoon, yes.
Overnight ship the molar engine at once, so that l may complete the toothship and return to my enameled condo on Tooth Planet.
Wongburger! Dr.
Wongburger? But didn't you use to be -- A dick? With balls of rage? Yeah, that.
Yes! For years, that's how people saw me.
But l was actually a tooth trapped inside the shaft of a dick, crying to get out.
lt was a private shame.
Through years of painful surgery at great expense, l was able to change myself and become what God intended for me to be.
Chatterman! You're a madman, Wongburger! Hey, l know that.
So, you think l could, uh, get my tooth back? Yes, of course.
Which one is yours? - This is.
- No, no Meatwad! Applesauce is good.
And that's why l'm gonna have me one more container of applesauce.
Don't load up on applesauce.
lt's a fruit! You need some mashed carrots.
You too, Shake.
l don't like carrots.
We got some butternut squash over here.
F- that baby goop, 'cause the Master shall imbibe the wing of the buffalo tonight.
lmbibe? How the hell you gonna do that? What's that? You should take the bones out before you do that, Shake.
l'm sorry, l didn't hear you.
l'm making a man's meal.
Did you get mild or hot? My gums! - l guess it's hot.
- l think he went with the hot.
Dancing if forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden