Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rubberman

My name is Shake-zula, the Mic Ruler The old schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to you Frylock, and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, "G" Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes, and I'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" and the girlies wanna scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" and the girlies wanna scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, "G" - Blow me.
[clattering ] Hey Carl, what you doing? Oh, I'm just raking the leaves here.
Carl, those don't look like leaves.
Cause they're not, dummy.
They're rubbers.
Used rubbers.
Coney Island white fish! Yeah! I still don't like it in my lawn.
SHAKE: Meatwad no! Ow! You got a couple needles in there.
I guess someone was giving out flu shots last night.
Don't be stupid, Meatwad.
It was possibly a diabetic convention.
Oh yeah, someone definitely had some medication out here.
Scoot over.
There we go.
Right there.
I tried to buy these, but they didn't have my jumbo size in ribbed.
I need a massive reservoir tip.
MEATWAD: I wasn't listening.
These is what - pudding tubes? SHAKE: Yeah, that's it.
Lap up that free pudding.
Bill Cosby left it just for you.
Mm-mmm.
This look like vanilla-blast, but it tastes like sizzlin' salt 'sposion.
Meatwad! Get them out of your mouth.
That's one of their extreme flavors.
Those are dirty.
Dirty.
Bad pudding.
Put those down.
SHAKE: Yeah, put it down! And pick up the hose, and start washing these off.
They can, and will, be used again.
Probably tonight.
You sure you don't want these, Carl? Nah, I don't need em.
I've been, uh, shooting blanks since that killer whale nipped me in the stones.
All right! Yeah! No.
No.
Nooo! It was a blessing in disguise.
I mean, I don't want no kids weighing my ass down.
I should've kept that story to myself.
Anyways, I you know, so whenever I pay for sex it's skin on skin.
You know what I mean? Ha ha.
No.
I don't know what you mean.
But I appreciate you.
Thank you, Carl.
Yeah, thanks Carl.
These rubbers give me an excellent idea.
Now this sends a message that we know what's going on here at night.
We're gonna encourage safe sex, but we're also gonna crack down on it.
What does go on here at night? It's a blood drive, isn't it? Yeah, I'm thinking it's probably crack whores, you know? The neighborhood has really gone downhill with all the foreclosures.
It could have been me, though.
Sometimes an erotic situation occurs, you know, I got no time to find a bed.
But I like to leave my seed around as a service for hot lesbians whose biological clocks are ticking.
FRYLOCK: You like it? Yeah.
But what are we gonna call this little man? Hmm, we want something clever.
Not cliched.
Rubberboy! Rubberboy.
I was thinking "Clucky the rubber litter ducky.
" No.
No, Rubberman.
MEATWAD: I was thinking we call him "Lance.
" "Lance Potter," like Harry's brother.
But I shaped him like a duck.
See? I did most of the work.
Look, I mean I had my fries in god knows what kind of fluids.
By choice! Fool we're not having a conversation here.
His name is Lance because I'm the one with the motherfucking gun! FRYLOCK: Meatwad! That's what Samuel Jackson did.
I wish he was on our show.
Where did you find that? It was in the pile.
Alright.
I christen thee Rubberman! Yeah, no.
It ain't that.
Slap on a little glove, and get ready for some love.
Keep the gunk with my junk when I load it in her very spacious trunk.
Is he alive? 'Cause I need someone to take me to the mall.
In a way he is.
He's coated in thousands of microscopic organisms.
Frylock I know what sperm and bacteria is.
What I'm saying is, will he come to life if I put this magic hat on his head? Kinda looks like he's already "come" to life.
Hey, that hat looks like Carl's superfan G-men fantasy lamp.
Come on.
That's a classic Shake line.
It may be.
II doubt it.
- I just found it.
- Where? In Carl's house? May have been in Carl's house.
May have been on a mantle of some sort.
Well look man, if I were you I would not put that hat on Clucky.
Uh, it's Rubberman.
Alright.
I won't do it.
[whispers] I won't do it right now.
What? What was that? Alright, fine.
I won't do it.
Tell me I can't do this, I'm gonna do it.
Hey little buddy! It's true! The magic that lives inside the magic hat! Lance the duck made from used condoms Was a squeaky rubber guy With a crack pipe nose From some tweaking hoes and two eyes made out of eyes Human eyes! Oh look! I have human eyes! Yeah, I found them in that pile over there.
Come on, Meatwad! Alright, where are we going? Across the rail road tracks.
Three kids got murdered over there last year but okay! Yeah, that's right.
Made from used condoms.
Yes, I will hold.
Stopping STDs And genital herpes - Out on Carl's front lawn - Get off my lawn! Wait no! Come back with my G-man Superfan fantasy lamp! There may have been some magic in that lamp That Meatwad swiped I need some magic, man.
For when he placed it On his head - He smoked on his crack pipe - Smoke it up Give me 20 dollars.
I ain't got no 20 dollars.
Go roll that bum, he's got money.
Do this make bubbles? If you want it to.
All of the rock of coke Ooh, that feels good.
Hey that was fun, little buddy! Give me five.
Oh, I don't know.
See you got germs and bacteria and needle hands.
Could give me a boo boo.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I wish I had human hands.
MEATWAD: Well that's too bad but what are you gonna do, you know? We can still make this happen.
But how? Your neighbor Carl has hands.
I've seen them.
Yeah, but his hands are attached to his body, Lance.
They don't have to be.
Well yeah, I mean yeah.
Sure, we could ask him.
[snoring] Are you totally sure with this? Yes.
He'll spawn new ones.
The human body is a miracle.
Alright.
At the wrist? Shoulder.
I want the whole shank.
This seems way illegal.
Don't you want your friend to be able to throw you a football? No.
I mean, that's something I want, but don't think about it, just do it, you little fucking runt.
Lance.
Language.
Oh I'm sorry, buddy.
It's just that I'm so excited about getting those hands.
[ Carl mutters ] What are you doing here, little man? Gag him! CARL: Noooo! Nooo! [ Muffled screaming, sawing ] Oh yes! There we go! That's the way we do it! Umm, how long do we gotta hang out here in this crawlspace, here? Oh, just until the heat dies down.
A duck made out of rubbers? Little ring around his neck.
Stuff dripping off.
Crack pipe nose.
Two eyes made out of human eyes, wearing a football helmet.
He's wanted for questioning.
That policeman has nice feet.
Yeah, I guess so.
Get them for me.
His feet.
Lance, that is an extreme request.
I thought we were friends.
MEATWAD: We are, Lance.
But you promised we was gonna throw the football.
Now I have an urge to kick the football.
With feet.
Okay, ohhh, okay, okay, okay, let me just need a little more confidence.
Here.
Snort the confidence into your mucus passages.
[sniffs] Ooh, feels good.
You're now wild and bulletproof.
I'm wild and bulletproof, motherfucker! Take the shovel.
Oh yeah, baby! Oh my god.
Okay, let's kick the football.
Fuck football! Take this syringe.
Inject it between my toes.
I mustn't have tracks.
I have a job interview coming up.
We gonna be down here a long time, ain't we? Oh god.
I'm gonna catch some 2's.
Don't you fucking move, okay little buddy? [snoring] I am in trouble, big time.
You know how you say don't talk to nobody at the mall 'cause they a bad influence? I'm hanging out with someone who is a bad influence.
Does this have anything to do with that cop? Officer in pursuit Uh, maybe.
You see that hat on his head, Meatwad? The magic hat that I told you not to put there? That's not how I remember it, but yes.
Yeah, I see it.
Take it off.
No way.
That dude's crazy.
If I get near that hat he's gonna stab me with about three of them needles.
FRYLOCK: Okay, fine.
He's gonna have to shampoo sometime.
And when he does, we'll be right there.
Hey, you have any shampoo? Oh you're gonna wash your hair tonight None of your goddamn business.
I'm going out tonight.
I may or may not want to shampoo my hair, but I want the option.
So fucking get it.
Here you go.
LANCE: Blow me.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh Lance! [sobbing] Lance! Oh Lance the duck made from used condoms Died an accidental death Frylock knew that when he shampooed He would breathe his Final breath But-but I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Alright.
Then put it back on.
Okay.
Fools! No one will stop Rubberman! Oh no! Someone is stopping Rubberman! WOMAN ON PHONE: if you need to contact hospital lost and found regarding a hat, dial 2.
Speed it up, honey.
WOMAN: if you need to contact hospital lost and found regarding keys Let's go, let's go, let's go! WOMAN: if this is an actual emergency, dial 3.
[grunts] If you have had a heart attack Crap! I think I hit 4.
WOMAN: but you probably won't be able to.
If you have a gerbil lodged in your ass, just call us directly Richard and we'll work you in.
CARL: Come on, come on WOMAN: if your arms were ripped off recently, hang up and dial - 919991 - 60335133 CARL: Come on, here!