Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts


My name is Shake-Zula, the Mike ruler, the old schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to you Frylock, and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, "G" Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes, and I'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" And the girlies want to scream 'cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" And the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, "G" Master Shake: My new iPod's here! Stand back! Frylock: You can't afford no iPod.
Master Shake: I didn't pay.
They're paying me to beta test it.
And listen.
It comes with one of them mexican shakers that Stevie Nicks used to shake around -- on the Tusk tour? Frylock: Uh, Shake, those are seeds.
Meatwad: What kind of seeds? "two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun" seeds? Frylock: No.
They're pod seeds.
Read this.
Master Shake: Hello?! This is an iPod.
Frylock: No.
It says "iamapod.
" And it's from Donald Sutherland Industries.
Enjoy new best friend.
" Master Shake: Damn it! The last thing I need is a new friend.
I have a hard-enough time avoiding all the ones I have now.
Meatwad: I would have eaten the seeds.
Master Shake: If I ain't having it, then ain't nobody having it, capiche? Meatwad: You know, based on many stories that I love to read, I think that those seeds will grow into a magic beanstalk that lead to a mystical land.
Master Shake: Where a flesh-craving giant will climb down and grind you into bread.
Meatwad: Gracious.
Master Shake: Maybe I'll slice your face off and wear it as a mask.
We could do this all day.
Meatwad: What does that mean? Master Shake: It means you're very irritating to me.
Meatwad: Frylock, can I get a second opinion from you? Frylock: No, Meatwad.
A flesh-craving giant ain't gonna climb down no beanstalk and make you into bread, okay? Meatwad: Good, 'cause that's scary, y'all.
[ doorbell rings ] What's up? Master Shake: The sky.
[ laughs ] Frylock: Who was that? Master Shake: Oh, it was just some Jehovah's Witness.
[ rings ] turn out the lights.
We're not here.
Meatwad: I'll get it.
Master Shake: Don't answer it -- Meatwad, no! Meatwad: Hello.
What's up? The sky.
[ chuckles ] he got me.
Meatwad: Yeah, he did, but, uh, we ain't here.
Your friend's very funny.
Master Shake: Yes, it's clearly for me, Meatwad.
Yeah, I'm pretty clever.
Always sort of get the party going.
I like you.
Master Shake: Well, I am very likeable.
Anybody will tell you that -- anybody better tell you that.
Right, Meatwad? Meatwad: Well, I don't know, man.
Sometimes you can get pretty cranky -- ow.
Master Shake: He had to go.
He had a thing to do.
He's just a pet.
I like you a lot.
There's something about you I'd like to become.
Part of me, you know? Yeah, I like you a lot.
Master Shake: You got good taste.
I really thought we had something brewing back there.
Oh, I have something brewing.
Uhh! Master Shake: Hey, let's hang out.
Do you have time? I have all day, all night, all tomorrow, all tomorrow night, all the next day, and nights and days and nights after that.
Master Shake: That's great.
Frylock, will you check my schedule, please, right on the fridge? Frylock: "24-7, the thunder will roll.
" Looks like you're all booked up -- forever.
Master Shake: Can you push the rolling thunder to next week? You have time for a drink? Me -- I have all the time.
Master Shake: Okay, but, also, do you have money, transportation, and I.
? Well, I produce a cheesy, sebaceous residue with my gullet gland.
The smell, while horrifying, arouses me immensely.
Master Shake: Cool.
So you're a musician.
I'll see you jerks later.
Frylock: I did some research on Donald Sutherland Industries.
His company was seized by the U.
Military for splicing martian-plant dna into the human genome without a license.
Meatwad: Oh, well, there's the government for you.
I know you said he's getting in trouble and all, but he seemed like a nice guy to me.
Frylock: Who? That pod-plant dude? Meatwad: Well, look, I ain't no good judge of character or nothing, but, yeah, he seemed like he's someone I'd like to have a beer with.
Frylock: Pods, Meatwad! Pods! Don't you get it? Donald Sutherland was in a lot of movies involving alien pods -- pods that replicate people.
Meatwad: See, this is why I don't like to talk politics with you, 'cause we always end up in a fight.
Frylock: Will you use your head? Meatwad: Look, I believe your way, and you believe your way.
We both right.
Frylock: I'm just saying, I ain't too sure about Shake's new friend, okay? [ door opens ] Master Shake: Yeah, boy! Burnin' down the house! [ chuckles ] Master Shake: It's a disco inferno out there.
Oh, wow.
Master Shake: God, I still can't believe that cab driver said, "$26, please.
" What was he thinking? Master Shake: And then you just shot out that liquid.
Yo, now.
Master Shake: And you started vibrating, and then his whole face melted into his lap.
That guy totally wasn't expecting a melt.
Master Shake: I was like, "here's your $26.
" Oh, man.
Up top.
Master Shake: Hey.
Shh! Let's hit Meatwad with that face-melting cream sauce.
Meatwad! Come out here and challenge me Frylock: You have any idea how late it is? Master Shake: No, I'm sorry, mom.
Am I grounded? Yeah, mom.
Master Shake: He's trying to ground me.
Up top.
Frylock: You're drunk.
Master Shake: Shut your face.
He needs to sleep it off, and I need to be near him when he does that, so show me where his room is, and I'll take care of that, okay, mom? Master Shake: When I can stand, I want to beat your ass so hard.
Hey, let's get them chicks you dissolved.
Did you get their numbers, 'cause they were hot? That was awesome.
You don't take it from anyone.
You're awesome.
Up top.
Master Shake: Air five.
Frylock: Shut up and drink that coffee.
Mom, you shouldn't give him that coffee.
That will keep him awake, which is not in my plans.
We want to get a flesh start tomorrow.
Frylock: "Flesh" start? [ chuckles ] no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I meant "fresh.
" "fresh" is what I mean when I refer to "flesh.
" Frylock: We weren't talking about flesh.
So, what exactly is in your plans, huh? Okay.
Okay, fine.
You want me to lay it out? I want to consume him and become him.
'cause he's my bud.
Frylock: Uh-huh.
That's what I thought.
Why can't you get your own damn thing, man? Look, he's my friend.
We bonded, man.
We're tight.
Frylock: Yeah, on a molecular level, huh? Whoa.
Hey, hey, where is this coming from? Master Shake: Yeah, Frylock! Where do you get off? I know his plans, and I think it's cool.
He wants to be me.
Lots of people struggle with that.
Everyone wants a piece of the cup.
Frylock: He's saying he's going to eat you, then digest you and take over your body, shake! Master Shake: I'm comfortable with that.
Oh, God, I'm so dehydrated.
Frylock: That was chicken stock.
Master Shake: I know, but I drank it fast.
I'm gonna lie down for just a sec.
Frylock: Nope.
Don't think so.
[ pop! ] Master Shake: Ow! You got to stop mothering me! Let us be! Where's the ibuprofen? Hey, this'll ease your mind.
Just lean back and open up your mouth.
Frylock: What is that? Is that a roofie? Hey, it's just something to take the edge off.
I'm not gonna date-rape him.
Master Shake: You even know what a roofie is? Frylock: Fine, man.
Do whatever the hell you want to.
Get eaten and replicated.
It's a free country.
But when he does replicate your ass, you ain't living here no more.
I'll tell you that much.
Uh, well, we never wanted to live here.
Master Shake: Yeah, that's right.
We might just chill on the recliner for just a couple months till I save up a mad roll.
And our body hardens.
Master Shake: And our body hardens.
And we are out of this jig joint.
Master Shake: Then we're gone like the wind.
Yes, and it's our plan to follow Chickenfoot on their American tour.
Master Shake: Yeah.
And we're -- what? Chickenfoot Up top.
Master Shake: I'm not into that.
Hey, me, neither.
I mean, I just said it.
W-we can do whatever.
It's just a suggestion.
You like white noise? Yeah! White noise.
Master Shake: Dolphins is what relaxes me.
Have you not read by bio? Damn it.
Get it together.
You want a brosage? [ humming ] uhh! Master Shake: Please, just stop humming.
Are you trying to relax me or make me the most annoyed person in the world? Okay, you know what? I don't know if this is working.
Maybe I should just replicate someone else, you know? Master Shake: Fine! Do it! Be my guest! You'll come back.
They all come back.
Meatwad: [ snoring ] [ muttering ] Hey.
Meatwad: [ mutters ] oh.
Oh, hey.
What's up, bro? Meatwad: Oh, nothing, man.
Just dreaming.
I was in this chocolate canyon with gumdrop ponies, and, for some reason, my teeth was falling out and I couldn't eat the ponies.
It's probably 'cause I feel impotent to change my current work situation.
What you doing? Watching me dream? So, what's up with you? What do you like? What kind of things do you like to do? Let's get to know each other.
Would you like a back rub? You into the band chickenfoot? Yes? No? Meatwad: I like the idea of a back rub.
Don't know about Chickenfoot.
I don't know them.
Well, I don't know if you're into Michael Anthony.
Dumb question, right? Just jacking your bass, just like Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Meatwad: Burn me a cd.
I'll see what I think.
I think you'll be very into it -- very shortly.
Oh, yeah.
Frylock: Hell, no.
[ pop! ] Carl, I know it's late, but I really need to borrow your car, man.
Carl, he does not need to borrow your car.
Carl believes me.
Chickenfoot? Backstage? In here? Let's go! Let's go! Right now! Come on! Frylock: Hold up, now.
I got us all backstage passes.
Master Shake: What the hell is Chickenfoot? You haven't heard "Love's in Jail, and I Got the Key"? Master Shake: No.
Dude, it's so decent.
Meatwad: Love's in jail Tryin' to get out on parole Shut up.
That's not the song.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Whoa, man, what's going on here? The fly let him in? He's all right.
Apparently he's our biggest fan in the plant kingdom.
Some kind of meet-and-greet crap.
He's your boy now, Mike.
Oh, my God, bro.
Michael Anthony.
I am so into you.
O-okay, man.
It's -- it's okay.
It's always great to meet the fans.
So, like, uh, what's happening with you, man? Like, you some kind of plant? Dude, I am way into you.
I know.
I know, man.
I heard you.
Hey, man, can you stand still and, like, fall asleep in front of me? Yeah, I guess that's okay.
Hey, satch, check it out.
I'm replicating your bass player.
Just keep it up above the belt here.
Hey, joe, smoke, who is this guy? Chill out, Sam.
He's a plant.
Oh, this is awesome.
Hey, what's -- what's happening? Aah! Wait, what the [bleep] are you doing? Frylock: Okay.
Come on, y'all.
Show's over.
Master Shake: Wait.
Free edamame.
There's a whole bathtub full of it in there.
Frylock: Come on.
Hey, check this out.
[ bass playing ] hey, check this out! Check this out! Ow! Meatwad: Hey, Carl, how was the chickenfoot show? Carl: [ alien scream ] Frylock: Let's go get some more coffee.
Carl: [ alien scream ]