Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Multiple Meat

My name is Shake-zula, the Mic Ruler The old schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to you Frylock, and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, "G" Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes, and I'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" and the girlies wanna scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" and the girlies wanna scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Number one in the hood, "G" - Together.
Son, I'm afraid this will hurt me more than it hurts you.
Yeah I know.
I shouldn't have done what I done did.
What did I done do? You were about to do something.
I wrote Minority Report.
Thank goodness you caught me in time.
You're telling me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on now.
Put on your protective goggles.
Good thinking.
We wouldn't want one of us to get hurt here, would we? Ah, there.
Now, I do not ever want to catch you about to think about doing the thing that you were about to think about doing.
Ever again! Is that clear? Shake, I'm very sorry that I thought about doing what you said I was about to do but didn't.
And I'm sorry too.
Who said that? - You said it.
- But I heard you say it.
- We both said it.
- You got my tooth.
How am I gonna chew newspaper now? Well, we can eat yogurt.
Ahhh, I like me some yogurt.
I like me some yogurt too.
'Cause yogurt got flavors.
Newspapers just got the one flavor.
We should have always been eating yogurt.
- Shouldn't we? - Yeah, but newspaper is free.
MEATWAD #1 In the trash can.
MEATWAD #2: Here, you take my tooth.
No, you keep it.
You keep it.
I'll tell you what, we'll share the tooth.
Look, it fits.
It fits.
Hey Shake, I got me a new best friend.
Noooo, the horror.
What's your name boy? Meatwad.
Of the New Jersey Meatwads? After you.
No please, after you.
- You go ahead.
- Shut up.
I couldn't possibly.
- After you.
- No, no, no, no, I insist.
- After you.
- Shut up, both of you.
No please, your hands are full you go ahead.
I ain't got hands.
But I just rather that you go first.
Why don't you just go ahead anyway.
No, no, I couldn't.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! You lead the way.
No, you lead the way.
How's I suppose to know that he was gonna do that? He's like a damn worm man, he's got no brain.
You cut him up and he'll multiply.
Wait a minute.
You mean like in Tremors? Yes sure.
Exactly, like Tremors.
Get off the ground, he feels the vibrations.
You can float, go get me food! Let me follow you.
No, I'll follow you.
I would rather you lead the way.
We could try to go in together.
Hand in hand.
That sounds like a good idea.
We don't fit.
We can do it hand in hand side ways But that would mean one of us would have to go first.
And I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
No, me neither.
I would be comfortable with you going first.
Why don't you go first.
No, only after you.
But it wouldn't be right, because you're more important.
Listen to you.
You're more important.
I'm not more important than you.
You're more important than me.
That's sweet of you to say, but you're the more important one.
You're the most important.
Well you're most-est important than me.
Okay, how about this, why don't you two flip a coin.
Whoever wins can hold the door.
Well go ahead, call it in the air.
I'd rather you call it in the air.
I don't want to call it in the air, that's too much responsibility.
Well I don't want to call it in the air.
But if we call it in the air, then that means someone would win.
And I want you to win.
But I want you to win.
Get the fuck in here, you're wasting all the heat.
You don't even have a coin idiots! Okay, how about this? Why don't you hold the door for him.
But the door's already open.
And it's inside.
Well I'll hold it open for you.
No please, allow me.
We'll hold it together.
- Together! - Together.
Let's say it, let's say together, together.
On- on three.
One, two, three.
- Together.
- Together.
We missed again.
Let's do it again.
One, two, three.
- Together.
- Together.
Let's try it one more time.
FRYLOCK: Just shut the damn door.
I will shut it.
[grunts] And seal this embarassement from my public.
We've been tricked into entering the door.
I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess.
No, I'm the sorry one.
No, no, no.
I'm the sorry one.
Don't beat yourself up over this.
I'm the sorry one.
You're both about to be very sorry, that you entered this horrid world.
[grunts] Now that's called taking care of business.
Momma, daddy.
Hey good buddy, nice to meet you.
- I'm Meatwad.
- So am I.
I am too.
Gotta be kidding me.
We're all Meatwad.
Let's have a tearful reunion.
Group hug everybody.
Hey, I got an idea.
You want to play Candy Land? You took the words right out of my brain.
Let's play Candy Land.
- Candy Land! - Yeah Candy Land! How 'bout you Shake? Would you like to play Candy Land? No I would not.
But I will show you what I do want to play.
I declare these Olympic games open.
I see you, and I raise you 10.
Oh my god they've octaculated.
Look Frylock, Carl's showing us how to play Texas Hold 'Em.
Like they really do in a AC.
He's real good at it.
That's not how you play that.
Those are flash cards.
Uh, no, no, no, no, they're wild cards.
Th-They, this is a different game.
This is we play this AC-B style.
Alright we've got a 5 dollar blind, Jacks to open, Trips to win.
Who's in? Let me see your money gentlemen.
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
And I am in as well.
And I will raise you another 5 dollars.
- I'm out.
- I'm out.
- I'm out.
- Too rich for my blood.
And I ain't got no damn money.
Hey, Seven, when you ain't got no damn money that's when you leave the table.
But I like to watch.
You lucky I ain't bring no pit boss over here.
That stuff wouldn't fly at the Taj.
Alright Carl.
Check it out.
Triangle, Bug, Fire Truck.
- Two pair.
- Yeah.
You like that? - Not bad with only 3 cards.
- I ate 2 of them.
But, uh, that certainly don't beat and a letter J.
Full House and a pair.
[laughing] Read 'em and weep gentlemen.
I'm gonna cash out now.
That's it Carl.
Thanks for teaching us how to play Texas Hold 'Em poker.
These bills feel uh small, and yellow.
And this is a dead squirrel.
Maybe them bills shrunk.
But probably they just come from a board game.
- Foreclosure.
- What the I knew a chicken was never President! You owe me $1,200.
Or I'm gonna send my cousin over here to break your hands.
You've got 48 hours.
ALL: Bye Carl! Thanks for the lesson.
Pick your nose clean while you got the chance.
'Cause you'll be digging for gold with finger splints after Tuesday.
Nice to meet you, I'm Meatwad.
So am I.
Frylock, you gotta stop them.
Just chill out, they ain't bothering you.
They keep multiplying.
That's cause you keep chopping them up into bits, Shake.
Nice to meet you, I'm Meatwad.
So am I.
Have you tried not doing that? That's no fun.
[chuckles] I don't know what to tell you man.
You know what's gonna happen.
Every time you chop them up or saw them they're gonna multiply.
- Every time! - But I want them dead.
No, no, I know.
I know.
That's your answer science man? Fetch me the ax.
Here you go.
I sharpened it for you.
Ah ha ha, good! The meat has dulled my blade.
Hey, can I grab you for a second? Sure, what's up? What's up? - I'm sorry is that out now? - [chatting] They're meeting on how to form their own stupid government.
The floor recognizes Meatwad.
But here's the fun part, they're still trying to decide on who should bring the juice boxes.
I'd hate for you to go through that much trouble.
'Cause I can bring juice boxes.
- I can bring juice boxes - 75 minutes of this.
Aww, juice boxes are expensive.
Let me bring the juice boxes.
That is so fucking retarded.
We are not establishing a democracy in this house! This is a dictatorship! And I rule with an iron dick! Let's call the matter to a vote.
Raise your hand if you would like to bring the juice boxes.
And let's count.
No one can count.
We're deadlocked again.
I demand a recount.
As I said, no one counted right the first time.
Well, I don't know how to count right the first time.
- How do you count? - I don't know.
Let call Carl.
Who wants to vote on who to go over to Carl's house and get Carl? Okay, we're deadlocked again.
Frylock, I'm on my last leg.
You need to help me mush all this together and set fire to it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I have a better idea.
Hey gang, let's all sing a song.
- Okay.
- Okey-dokey Al rig ht-a-roni.
3 million bottles of beer on the wall - 3 million bottles of beer - Yeah.
Take one down, pass it around See ya dude.
Wait, don't go.
You know what? I'm leaving too.
Okay, that was a bluff, but don't go.
[singing continued] Wait, I got mixed up.
Start over.
Noooooo! 3 million bottles of beer on the wall [singing continues] Frylock, you're back.
ALL: Hey Frylock.
No, no, keep going, don't stop 'cause you see me.
ALL: Okay.
8 more bottles of beer- ls someone there? Is that Shake? Speak up please.
[louder] It's me, Frylock! You left us.
Yeah man, I got to thinking how trapped I'd been all those years you know.
So I wrote a book on the dangers of co-dependency.
And it was a best seller.
I turned it into a lucrative franchise of 6 movies, a TV show, and a series of self help discs.
I married Cheryl Tiegs, divorced her and married her underage granddaughter.
And we live very happily on a small island south of France with the New York football Giants.
Who I purchased 2 years ago with all the proceeds from my widely successful life.
Well, it seems like you wasted a lot of time.
Look Shake, I brought you this.
What is it? I can't read since I punctured my eyes.
With those little oyster forks you got for Christmas.
It's a bug bomb.
I thought it might help with all the singing.
Oh no, I already took care of that.
I sliced my ears off.
Oh, okay.
Well I'll see you later then.
Drop by any time.
I probably won't.
- What? - I said I probably won't! One more time.
L.
.
Never mind.
Are you there? Asshole! Zero bottles of beer You can't take one down 'cause there ain't no More bottles of beer on the wall You got to call the store and order more bottles of beer for your wall [laughs] Hey, that was fun.
- Yeah, that was fun.
- That was fun.
What now? What do we do? I suppose we can sit here and get to know each other.
Or we could sing that song, one more cotton picking time.
- Yeah, we could.
- Yeah, let's sing it again.
ALL: 3 million bottles of beer on the wall 3 million bottles of beer - Take one down, pass it around - [gun shot] 2,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden