Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Allen (1)

Behold! There is an adhesive bandage in my 'Nana pudding! I demand that it be removed! Thank you.
Uh, you know, you could probably get it for free now.
Woman! Bring back the bandage.
I want it for free! Unit patrol, unit patrol unit patrol, unit patrol they're back on the beat to make crime disappear * beefy disguises from ground-up steer a Sherlock Holmes with laser-beam eyes your own private dick unit patrol, unit patrol Ready! Unit patrol, unit patrol Wider.
Crime doesn't pay unless you get away but you won't 'cause you can't from the aqua unit patrol squad * one Tonight's episode, "Allen part 1.
" What's going on in there? What's he doing? What's he doing? What's going on? How we lookin'? What's going on in there? Meatwad, I'm gonna need you to get me a visual on the building.
Copy that? Well, right now, princess is riding a dinosaur over the rainbow in magic candy kingdom.
And they've been doing that quite a bit.
Something's up.
I think I would have remembered our client mentioning that we were tracking a dinosaur.
We're not getting paid enough for that, and we never discussed mileage to the magic candkingdom.
I sure would like to get a wire on that dinosaur.
Shake, just look at the house, will you? Yeah, meatwad, you're looking at the wrong house.
This disk, dummy.
Oh, this is the house.
Okay.
No, damn it.
Over there.
Look, look.
I see some action.
Oh, h-hey, ma'am.
How you doing there? Howdy, ma'am.
Hey there.
Hey, we're just three guys hanging out.
Y-you, uh, need some help or I don't think she saw us.
Frylock, you're burned.
You're out.
Good, 'cause I was gonna leave anyways, 'cause this is boring, man.
Fine.
It's not the first case I've had to crack by myself.
You just tell us exactly what we're supposed to do, and then don't let the door hit your vcr on the way out.
What are you doing back there? Eh, eh, eh.
That was the old show.
Yeah, I know.
This is the new show, where we're detectives.
And you're no longer a part of it, so amscrayUttface.
Have fun getting soft.
Hey, can I get me some more of them catfish nuggets? You ate that whole box? All gone.
That was our entire advance! That's supposed to last the whole night! Is it morning yet? Shake, wake up.
Wake up.
What? We got action at 3:00 6:00? Is the little hand the minute hand? Ha! So that's what he drives to visit his mistress.
Another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
But why would he do that to his own house, shake? Well, that's an insurance scam.
Or he's trying to hide the evidence.
We're going undercover.
Oui, oui.
Ha, ha, ha! Bonjour.
I am your new neighbor.
I just, uh, moved how you say move in.
And you must be Tearing this house down.
Ah, ha, ha! To hide evidence, maybe, huh? Possibil insurance scam.
No, no.
It is cool.
You can tell me, jacque.
Everyone tells jacque.
It's been vacant for 10 years.
Ah, so that's your story.
So maybe you can tell meWhy you're having an affair in there.
Ha, ha, ha! Cuff him! Hey, shake, I don't think this is the right house or even the right dinosaur.
Then why is our guy here? Well, 'cause 'cause he got sent by the city to tear this empty house down.
Then why is he large and black? The guy we're looking for is small and white.
Y'all need to clear on out of here.
I got work to do.
All right, Chuck, I'm gonna ask you once.
Maybe you can tell me what kind of back-room operation you had to have to look like that.
Huh? Did you see how close I was to nailing that guy? More water, please.
I checked with our client, and, well, turns out she wasn't married.
Then how come she had a husband who was having an affair? She didn't.
Exactly.
You can't have someone have an affair on you if you're single.
We're gonna have to put a tail on this bitch.
Look, man, I called her.
She said she told you that she wanted us to find her cat for her.
So we owe her $100 worth of catfish nuggets.
I think that guy took her cat and then framed us into saying we were detectives, because we clearly have not been trained for that.
Yeah.
I want a tail on her right now! I want you wearing a wire.
I want her phone records and everyone she's e-mailed.
I'm on it.
No.
No tails, okay? Look, this new show is not any good at all, man.
I think we should just go back home and do what we used to do.
No.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
Hyper-sleep? What the hell you want this for? We can't afford this, man.
We're not gonna buy it, you idiot.
We're gonna use it for nine years, and by that time, there's gonna be enough crime and supervillains going around for all detectives, not just the qualified ones.
Aren't you worried just a little bit about doing this? Just hop in before the guy sees us.
Come on.
Plenty of room.
Okeydokey.
Whoa! What the hell are you doing? I thought we could maybe Snuggle? Well, that is a nine-year nightmare.
Pass.
You ride with him into the abyss.
All right, then.
Can I bring this ducky into the abyss? Yeah, you can bring your ducky.
And will you read me this here pop-up book? Yes, I'll read you a book.
Now, there ain't no monsters in there, is there? No.
No monsters.
Well, I just want to be sure.
So, can I turn on this little night-light? Look, this gas is gonna put you to sleep in like 3 seconds.
But will the gas rub my back and play piggy with my toes until I go to sleep? Shut up.
Hyper-sleep, go to nine years.
Guys, I can't sleep.
When is it supposed to start? Wait, guys? I feel something tickling my foot.
Can you help me get out of here for a sec come on.
Ain't no way in hell I'm sleeping in a tube for nine years.
Hey, you told me they weren't no monsters in there.
Oh, that's not a monster, man.
That's a creature from space.
Looks like a big old purple hand.
Yeah, I don't care.
It's not our problem.
All right.
Damn, his voice was annoying, wasn't it? Oh, man! I had the World's craziest dream.
All right, I was eating the world's largest hot dog, and you were there, frylock.
But for some reason, you were Chinese, and I could not understand what you were saying.
Then all my teeth started falling out.
This is when I should probably say something.
Aah! Good morning.
How are you? Who are you? I'm Danny, and I own the hyper-sleep chamber.
Look, I-I'm sorry.
I was just borrowing.
My friend made me do it.
Frylock shh.
It's okay.
It's where we met.
Excuse me? When I looked into your closed eyes, I knew you were the one.
What what do you mean by that? I've been making love to your face off and on for the last nine years.
Don't throw up.
Where I come from, it's beautiful.
Do you have a name? Look, let's not get into names.
It was just a physical thing, a fling.
I needed a warm orifice to deposit eggs, that's all.
And now it's over.
For nine years?! I know.
It's a long time to stay committed.
The sex got, well, a little boring.
I was asleep! I know what you mean.
We lost our identities in the relationship.
We're different people.
I'm not even a person.
But I had no choice in the matter.
Shh.
Don't end it this way.
Let it go.
What's done is done.
For God sakes, tell me you at least used protection.
Look, we both know this isn't working out.
I just think I need to see other peopleWho are asleep.
Why do I have clamps on my butt? Well, it was just something I wanted to try.
Look, could we at least stay in touch? What's your name? Aah! Aah! Lightning! Aah.
You son of a bitch! All right, how much could I possibly owe you? N-nothing.
Everything's free now.
Then mow down some of those nimrods over there for free.
That would be bad.
We're all good now.
And I want you to have a good day.
Baby-killing jerks! Hey, hey! No pushing! Don't go in there, lady! I'm about to march right into that abortion clinic and tell them it's not a choice it's a child! I'd like 1,200 face abortions.
Can I get a discount because I'm getting them in bulk? No prob.
You be good and have a good day.
So, can we blow it up or what?! No, no, no.
Uh, I just told them that life is precious, and they agreed.
Blow it up, anyway! Wonderful.
Let's get an abortin'.
What's up with all this lightning? Aqua unit patrol squad, assemble! Now, I said! Do not make me come in there! Hello? Frylock? Meatwad? Willie Nelson? Love mummy? Those frat alien guys? No.
No! What have I done?!