Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Freedom Cobra

Unit patrol, unit patrol unit patrol, unit patrol they're back on the beat to make crime disappear * beefy disguises from ground-up steer a Sherlock Holmes with laser-beam eyes your own private dick unit patrol, unit patrol Ready! Unit patrol, unit patrol Wider.
Crime doesn't pay unless you get away but you won't 'cause you can't from the aqua unit patrol squad *the * one * Tonight's episode Oh, man, that sun is so gnarly.
Makes me want to lay out and catch some serious rays on my abs.
Oh, hey, babe.
Lesbian! How can you tell? I ain't got no good gaydar.
Well, usually if she's a hot broad and she's not fondling my buttocks, that means she plays for the other team.
So basically all women are lesbians.
She is.
She is.
Those ones over there are.
Her, her, her.
What about that one? Definitely her.
How about that one? Whoa, her.
Her, her, her, she's practically a man.
What about that one over there? Hey, how about you, toots? You want to hit this? She heard me.
She's a lesbian.
Her, her, her.
They know when they're young.
Now, please, go get the dog.
I think the dog is dangerous, shake.
Gimme that.
Hey, that's my elbow, boy! Smell that meat, boy.
You smell it? You play your cards right, and tonight you shall feast.
Open the cage.
I think this is a bad idea, shake.
These stuck-up hippie bitches are gonna be glistening when they see me play my bongos next to my dog.
Open the cage! All right.
Get off me! Aah! Aah! Get it off! You ain't gonna get laid just 'cause you have a dog.
I know, that's why I brought this frisbee, to make us look fun! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You definitely ain't gonna get laid kicking a dog in public.
Women respond to control, and that is what I am exhibiting to this dog.
Go on.
Let go of him, meatwad.
All right.
Go get it, you dumbass.
Why did you let go of him?! Get him off me! Get it off! Why did you let go of the dog like that? I don't know, man.
I think you need to stop using that rib-eye shampoo.
It's a porterhouse conditioner with aloe! Yo, bro.
Your disc.
Well aware of what I own, okay, cool guy? Wow, I got nude when I saw your tattoos.
Right on, right on.
I'm on the pill.
What pill? Well, you're a lesbian! If she's a lesbian, then what's she doing with that cool tattoo guy? Because he's obviously a woman trapped inside a man's impeccably chiseled body.
Right now it looks like he's trapped inside that girl's body.
Oh, now he's out.
Wait, now he's back in again.
Wait, now he's back out.
Now he's back in.
Get that dog over here so I can blame him! Shenandoah, come! No! Not to the lake! There's no ass in the lake! Clearly, I need to get laid.
Otherwise why would I have done this? Well, I think Carl might have a service that he uses.
A woman of the night? No, it's the thrill of the hunt for me.
Hell, that's half the orgasm.
Well, then you ain't even halfway there.
Look, the dog can be trained.
I know that now.
And the bandana was working big time from what I could tell.
So you're gonna do this again? No, of course not.
Not until I get a really bitchin' tattoo.
Are we ready to do this? Meatwad's gonna hook me up from his cereal box.
And the best thing is it come off in a bubble bath before night-night.
So it's the illusion of danger without the commitment.
I like it.
All right, let's unleash the dog.
Uh, let's do a dry run first.
I don't think that we have to unchain that dog right now.
All right, then.
No, no, no! Stop! Anywhere but the freeway! Yes, I'm looking for a tattoo that will show that I'm totally in control, and I also want it to make women want to sex me up.
How about this? It says "get caught in my web.
And get out when we're done.
" Where does it say that? It doesn't literally say that.
Could I get it to say that? So that my agenda is properly laid out in case I get sued or if I have to explain it to a stupid girl? Okay, how about this on your neck? It's sanskrit.
It means "extremely gullible.
" Yeah, that's me all over, but can I get it in English, please? I don't know any sanskrit women.
What kind of price range are you looking at? I can go anywhere from $3 to $5.
Obviously cheaper, but you know, up to $5.
And I'm gonna need your corporate rate, and I'm expecting a AAA discount.
I have only one tattoo in that price range.
But we have to wait for a lightning storm to install it.
Install it? Yes.
Install it.
Okay, I'll wait.
I'm just gonna read this "up yours" tattoo Over and over again.
Ah, hell no.
Where'd you get that scooter, man? You mean my chopper? I probably ripped it off some biker gang.
Or I may have purchased it with some sketchy finance.
Either way, it's a part of me.
It really defines who I am.
Who are you? I'm the guy that gets what he wants, when he wants it, and I decide how much I want before I'm full and I feel bloated.
You follow me? I think you should wear a helmet, though.
You wear a helmet.
For you walking around, bumping into your bookcases.
Rules are for nerds.
You got a tattoo? Oh, this? I don't know.
Probably on one of my binges.
It says "danger city.
Population me.
" Well, I think it says, "I'm insecure.
" Yeah, well, I'm headed off to the park to dip my dick.
When I get back with a couple hot tamales begging for my sauce, I need you two gay wads to clear out of the hallway.
'Cause women like it when I show them where I live.
You want your dog with you? Dear God, no.
Keep that thing chained in the crawl space.
Bake him a glass pie.
Oh, man.
Not many rays today.
So I guess I'm just gonna have to hacky-sack solamente, broskis.
You're never gonna get any action in this downpour.
Yes, I-I know that.
Who Who is it I'm speaking with? It's me, freedom cobra.
Oh, you talk? I was not aware that you did that.
Were you always riding a missile? Oh, this? I got some tattoos while you was asleep.
I think they say a lot about me, about who I am.
You added on to it? Look, something I need you to do.
I need to feed.
Well, what is it you think you need to eat? Calcium.
Oh, well, milk is an excellent source of calcium.
Oh, yeah? So are skulls.
Human bones.
Um, I have a dog you could eat.
All right, then, we'll start there.
Bobby? Here, boy! Shake, you seen Bobby? Ah, you know, he probably he probably just he probably ran away ah, here's his collar.
You add on to that tattoo of yours? Why, did it do something? What's it doing now? It was looking at me.
And then when I looked at it, it looked away.
What would you say if I told you I may or may not have eaten your dog? Well, I may or may not be pretty mad at you, depending on the outcome.
Well, it's not like I give one flying fart what you think, but I'm sure that didn't happen.
Now, run along, and keep your chin up, buddy.
We'll find your little dog.
When you defecate.
Damn it! I knew it.
In some trance-like state, I ate a dog.
Daddy's hungry.
Daddy needs meat.
No, I can't eat meatwad.
He's been my roommate for, like, 10 years.
I'll get in trouble.
Hey, daddy needs what daddy needs.
What do you want? Come on, man.
I don't always have to want something.
You know what, you're right.
That was rude.
Come on in.
Wipe your feet.
Can I, uh, hang up your chainsaw for you? Uh, nah, that's okay.
I'll just hold it.
All right, whatever.
So what's up? What's going on? You're not gonna start that up in here are you? Why? Is that a problem or something? All right, fine.
So what's been going on? How are things? Why are you coming towards me in that manner? I just wanted you to see this new beauty.
Check it out.
Nice and slow.
Hey, have you seen Carl, man? 'Cause, uh, this kind of looks like his hand over here.
No, why? You mean alive? Yes, alive.
A census worker came by and was asking.
Well, was he made of meat? What, the census worker? Of course he was.
All humans are made of meat.
Good gracious, man.
Did you add on to that tattoo? Uh, you get one, you want another.
God, it stretches all the way around the back.
It's like I'm in the yakuza, right? What's it doing? Wait a minute, this looks like us, man.
We're being fed into a grinder.
And poured into the mouth of your winged cobra! Well, I at lease hope you're getting laid from that damn thing.
The sad thing is I'm not.
In fact, I think I may be eating people.
You're eating people?! Shh! He can hear us.
Who can hear us? The freedom cobra, dummy.
He's alive.
You got to help me get him off.
It went well.
Unfortunately, our lasers were no match for freedom cobra.
Dude, we paid you $1,200 cash.
It's a tattoo.
You just burn it off.
Well, that's not what the tattoo said.
Well, what did the tattoo say? The tattoo told me to cut off my hands so your buddy could eat them.
So, what do you think? We plumped up his lips, and we gave him some Botox here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
See?! No more frown lines! Now no one can tell I'm sad After I've eaten them!