Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Creditor

Unit Patrol, Unit Patrol Unit Patrol, Unit Patrol they're back on the beat to make crime disappear beefy disguises from ground-up steer a Sherlock Holmes with laser-beam eyes your own private dick Unit Patrol, Unit Patrol Ready! Unit Patrol, Unit Patrol Wider.
Crime doesn't pay unless you get away but you won't 'cause you can't from the Aqua Unit Patrol Squad one Tonight's episode "The Creditor.
" And a perfect fit.
Mr.
shake.
Uh, I-it's "Master.
" Let's not do the "Master" thing again.
We don't need labels here.
Okay.
Come on in.
So, how have things been? Eh, not bad.
You know, ups and downs.
Some good days, some bad days.
You know, I'm working through them.
And how are you coping with the bad days? Well, I found it works best for me to make others pay with my rage.
Is that right? Are you asking me if that's morally correct or if it's true? UmmBoth.
Stop this constant interview! Calm down.
You were supposed to fix my brain with pills! Okay.
I wake up with hands sore and reddened from the beatings I dish out to inanimate objects! Now, please, just sit down.
Relax.
You know, I think we need to find a positive way to channel your anger.
Kung fu seems to work.
I'm glad the kung fu lessons are going well, but I-I want to find out h-how is your love life going? Pretty slow.
Vacant, really.
I thin'44 is really gonna be the magic number for me.
That's when all the tang's gonna be slathered over the shore of dick beach.
All right, now, this this is the shake I don't care for.
I thought we got rid of the old shake.
Yes, it's been a few years, but at this point, I'd rather not look at it, for fear that it mocks me, okay? Is that why you drive a massive car? I'm an auto enthusiast nothing more.
I'll tell you this it's way bigger than your car.
Um, you've mentioned money problems, and I know you've had difficulties in the past paying for my services.
How is it that you afford a car like the one you drive? I can't.
And I don't.
I barely remember my meeting with The creditor.
Zero down and 0% for the entire weekend? Where do I sign? These are excellent terms for your auto loan.
I'm reading here "so "much meat, so little time.
" Now, is that an addendum or a-am I not understanding the contract? Sign it or taste one of my mighty weapons.
And if you default on this loan, I will eat your skin and hang you like so much meat.
Do you accept trade-ins? Oh, thank God.
Air-conditioning.
He is slightly used.
A plastic bag has zero air-conditioning.
One owner, smoke-free home.
Ooh.
Hot in here.
Can we turn the air down a little bit? You seem to be nervous.
I'm not nervous! You're the nervous one, dickbreath! Okay.
Take a big, deep breath.
Count to 10.
One You're in a hammock.
Two You're in a jacuzzi.
Three You're in a hammock in a jacuzzi.
He had a look about him, you know? Sometimes I think I see him.
Well, everyone knows the creditor has a cloaking device.
I know.
I know.
It's probably nothing.
Well, are you behind in your payments? I haven't made any payments.
I haven't felt like it.
Sometimes we have to do things that we don't like.
Not you.
You talk to me all the time because you love it.
Everybody just wants a free ride on my lid, man.
You know, maybe we should try some hypnosis, get you to start from the beginning.
How can I focus when I know I'm being hunted? That's impossible.
You're safe here.
Let's go back to that hammock in the jacuzzi, andStrangely enough, I'm there in the jacuzzi with you partially clad.
I remember.
He was new in town.
I could tell he needed a friend.
I did him a solid.
Yeah! I would love to tap that! Hey! Go buy us some shooters! We were rolling in it, and the creditor he just never knew when to stop.
I have the power of a thousand suns! Then he disappeared in the back room with three of them.
And when he came back out, he was real sweaty and nervous.
Let's go.
We're leaving.
But he was holding their severed heads and spines.
Come on, man! I'm gojng first next time! Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?! You can't go out there like that! Are you crazy?! You're right.
You're right.
I need to get it together.
Thank you.
You're a good friend.
Dig faster! Harder! You must never breathe a word of this, or you will stop breathing! That night, we celebrated our success at hiding the bodies by going to another club.
Maybe you shouldn't wear those feet as a necklace! What?! I said, maybe you shouldn't wear those feet as a necklace!! You're too nervous! Another round of jello shooters! No one will ever find those bodies that you buried on my behalf! Bodies? We got some hard bodies out here on the main stage, but what bodies are you talking about? That night, we spilled enough blood to fill a bus.
I told him he needed to chill, but he thought I said he needed to kill.
He paid me not to tell the cops, but he said it was a loan, so, basically, it was like I blackmailed myself.
So, we didn't see each other for a while.
We had a falling-out.
I lost touch.
Mostly 'cause I was hiding from him.
And then one morning Check it out! I rule the night! Are you out of your mind?! Quick! Get in here! Look, I just don't think we really need to hang out anymore.
I'm trying to ground myself.
I'm seeing a therapist now, and I'm really turning things around, okay? '44 is gonna be the year.
YouOwe me.
Aw, man.
SoLong story short I arranged for him to hunt my friends.
Uh, whatever it is you're about to do, can we do it at the commercial break? All right.
Danke schoen, right? Isn't that what you were speaking, kraut? Uh, wait! I don't know German! That was easy.
Do you have anyOther friends? Uhh, I don't know if I'd call them friends.
Do you want some bologna? Please.
What do you say? Thank you.
You looking for bones? 'Cause I ain't got no bones in here.
Go on.
Do it again.
What'd you get? Nothin'.
See? Do it to me again.
It's starting to turn me on sexually.
Where are your other friends, the ones with bones? Here's the kickball.
Who's your friend? Aaah! Well, that was boring.
And you're starting to annoy me! Well, you know, my therapist says that people should try to take out their aggressions in positive ways that are going to be constructive to the community.
That's your problem, [growls] Face.
Hey, there's no need for that language.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not trying to get on to you or telling you how to change.
All I'm saying is, if you're gonna hunt people, focus on hobos and prostitutes, 'cause now I'm playing solitaire tonight 'cause of you.
I'm not blaming you for that.
Of you.
You owe me.
He morphed out And then I never heard from him again.
When was this? Uhh, I don't know.
Maybe, uh, two hours ago.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Uh, okay, we're we're just about out of time.
My hummer! I've been booted! Oh, hey, man.
Whoa! Aaaah! A-all right.
Okay.
We're in luck.
Looks like I have a little little little time in here in the schedule.
I am the best hunter in the world and in all the galaxy.
Uh, yes, you've mentioned that in the past, and yet your father hated hunt don't do this.
I-I-I thought we were past this.
"And he bleached the skulls" and spines in an acid bath, and he used the teeth for a meat-scraping tool.
'Happy Halloween, everybody!' and he collapsed.
The aroma of blood and bile was "overwhelming.
" The end.
Read it again! Read it again! No, no, no.
Now, go to sleep.
That's all.
Tuck your feet under the pillow, for the foot fairy comes tonight.