Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Vampirus

Unit patrol, unit patrol unit patrol, unit patrol they're back on the beat to make crime disappear beefy disguises from ground-up steer a Sherlock Holmes with laser-beam eyes your own private dick unit patrol, unit patrol Frylock: Ready! Unit patrol, unit patrol Shake: Wider.
Crime doesn't pay unless you get away but you won't 'cause you can't from the aqua unit patrol squad one Announcer: Tonight's episode "Vampirus.
" Shake: This is the life.
Rays, cool water, no vampires.
Carl: Yeah, that vampire thing's so friggin' overhyped.
Shake: I know.
Carl: And, you know, the media sees one horde of crazy vampires devouring the president, and we're supposed to think they're everywhere.
Shake: I know.
Completely living in fear.
Well, I'm gonna take a quick dip.
Carl: The hell you are.
Shake: No, I know.
I was just saying that.
Carl: I know you're just saying that, 'cause you're not gonna do it.
Shake: No, I wouldn't do that.
Carl: No, I know that you wouldn't do that, because I'm right here.
And I will kill you and make it look like an accident.
Frylock: Shake, will you get your ass in here, man? The sun is going down.
Man, you're gonna get ate up.
Shake: Uh, no thanks, dad.
I may catch some moonbeams now.
Isn't that right, Carl? Carl: Good night.
Shake: Carl? Carl: Stay out of that pool.
Meatwad: Shake, there's a whole bunch of bats on the horizon, man.
You need to get inside right now.
Shake: The bats can do as they please.
Frylock: All right, that's fine.
Shake: It's a free country.
Frylock: Come on, meatwad.
Let him learn the hard way.
Shake: These are not even bats.
They're just ow! They're just black birds that aah! Bite like bats.
But that doesn't mean they're bats.
You're just living in fear.
Ow! Where are you taking me, birds? Oh! Frylock: He gone.
Should have came in with us.
See? Meatwad: Man, that sucks.
Popcorn? Frylock: What the hell?! Those were our seeds, man For the future! Meatwad: Well, this here is popcorn For your mouth.
Hey, frylock, look here.
Our landlord's on tv.
Everyone needs to eat, Chuck.
It is our satanic given right to eat.
Are you going to deny us food? No, I just think >> then who's the bad person? Well, um, no one, I suppose.
It would be you, Chuck.
No, I-I-I just think your food conflicts with our desire as humans to live.
Does that make make any sense? [ Chuckles ] Well, we won't drain everyone, Chuck.
Oh, oh, so you call it draining.
You see, what I would call it is spreading the vampirus.
Look, you look very delicious, but I wouldn't dare jump across the table and feast on your fluids.
Not on national television.
I wouldn't dare.
As you can see, I have this juicy prostitute.
Please don't put that on the table.
She will keep me fed for the next 20 to 30 minutes.
How did you get that past security? It was left in the greenroom for me.
Ugh! I am a star, and stars get what they want.
Frylock: Markula.
Shake: Hey, let me in.
I left my keys in there.
Meatwad: All right.
Frylock: No, meatwad! He's infected! Shake: I want to come in! Meatwad: Can't be leaving him hanging out there.
He's my bro.
Frylock: Meatwad, don't you dare let him in here, man.
Shake: Fine, I'll call markula.
I'll get the keys from him.
Frylock: No, no.
It it's all good.
Don't call the landlord.
Shake: Then let me in! Meatwad: Okeydokey.
Frylock: Don't open that door, meatwad.
Meatwad: His will, it's it's too strong.
Frylock: No, meatwad, he's a vampire.
He can't come in unless you invite him in.
Meatwad: Okay.
Would you like to come in? Shake: Sure, thanks.
Frylock: I told you not to invite him in! Meatwad: But you said he couldn't come in unless I invited him, which is, of course, what I did.
Frylock: Which is exactly what I told you not to do.
Meatwad: Well, you know what? I think when I was born, I think that you shook me, 'cause every time you say "don't ," I hear "do.
" You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a lawyer, I'm gonna get that lawyer from the tv, and I'm gonna sue your ass.
Frylock: Wait a minute.
Meatwad: When will I be 7? Frylock: The sun doesn't seem to affect him.
Shake: I'm right here.
Frylock: But I saw you.
You were surrounded by vampire bats.
Shake: Yeah, they're my buds.
Frylock: What about the bite marks, man? Shake: Eh-eh.
Hickeys.
BabesAll over my jock.
Frylock: Yet, there are no bite marks on yourJock.
Shake: Fine! No one was interested in my jock, okay?! You happy now?! Frylock: Could you be Immune? Shake: No.
I'm just cool.
Frylock: No, no, that ain't it.
But you need to come into the lab right away so we can run some tests.
Shake: Oh, you mean your bedroom, where the sheets stink? Meatwad: This looks familiar over here.
Was this where we was trapped in that web? You remember that? I told you no phones.
This is totally illegal what I'm doing to you.
Shake: We were trapped in a web? Frylock: Yeah.
Don't you remember? Like two years ago, you know, season 8? Shake: No.
Are you on drugs? Was that when you were in rehab? One of your sweaty nightmares? Frylock: Shut up, shake.
If you're immune to the vampirus, that could be huge.
Shake: Like I might get laid? Frylock: Maybe, if there's any normal women left.
Shake: All right.
Where do I stand? Frylock: Go, go, go, go, go! [ Lock engages ] [ Bats squeaking ] [ All growling ] Shake: Great.
Sausage fest.
Feast at will, my children.
[ Growls ] [ Hisses ] What is this? Is the meat not fresh? Shake: Wait.
You're my landlord, right? Because I have a major issue with the house.
There's never any food in the fridge.
Now, who do I discuss this with? You? Or those assholes at the grocery store? Discuss that with your job.
You are yuck.
He is immune.
Frylock: I knew it! I knew it! Frylock! Frylock: Markula.
We remember each other's names.
Seize him! [ Bats squeaking, growling ] Frylock: And our roof is still leaking! I called a man about it.
Frylock: Shake, you could be the salvation of mankind, man.
Shake: I know.
That's why I hired a publicist.
So I don't get screwed on any deals.
Do I live in fear of the vampire? Of course not, Chuck.
Good question, but I'm immune, as you can clearly read on my t-shirt.
Yep, it does say, "I'm immune.
" Shake: Yeah, and it also says "hot dong," with an arrow pointing downwards.
You get it? You know what I'm referencing, right? It's, like, my wiener.
Yes, yes, I get it.
So, do you have any plan to use this extraordinary immunity to, uh, help everyone else? Shake: Well, currently, I'm utilizing it to get a lot of free meals at restaurants.
Occasionally, I might go into a club, 'cause I'm immune, and there's no bouncers anymore.
I mean, the streets are wide open for me.
[ Sighs ] Shake: 'Cause I'm immune.
Right.
So you're abusing your gift.
Shake: Look, the needs of the many Something.
"Star trek.
" Yeah, no, what I meant was, isn't there going to be a vaccine? Shake: Uh, maybe.
I don't like needles, though.
Ladies, I love animals.
I like to go for long walks on Miami beach.
And remember, I'm immune, so I'm gonna be around whenever you want a taste of this hot dong.
Zoom in on my shirt here.
cellphone number here.
Yeah, thanks for joining me.
This is not an infomercial for your dick.
Shake: I'm a muscleman! [ Beep ] Frylock: Good job.
Real classy, shake.
Shake: Mind your tongue, Professor nerdhead.
I don't need to do this vaccine thing at all.
The only reason I'm doing it is because I happen to love the human race.
And I would like to rule the human race as their king.
Frylock: Carl, you ready to try the vaccine? Carl: Why do I have to do it? Why don't you try it on some hairy monkey? What are you looking at? Frylock: Uh, there you go.
Simple as that.
Carl: So I'm totally vampire-free now? Frylock: Yep.
Go try it out.
[ Bats squeaking ] Carl: Hey, Dracula, you want to bite me? Huh? Well, bite this.
[ Laughs ] Aah! No! Don't, don't! Let me in, let me in, let me in! Shake: But he's immune.
He he has my gift.
Carl: Oh, God! Frylock: I don't understand it.
Carl: God, no! Shake: No, I get it.
You did it wrong.
Frylock: Well, look.
Here, your blood looks the same.
Shake: No, no, no.
You got to splash him with it.
Give me that.
Carl: Aah! Get them off me! Get them off me! Get them off me! They're biting me all over the place! Shake: Here, Carl.
Carl: Don't splash it! Don't splash it on me! Shake: Splash this on you.
Carl: Oh, God, they're hungrier now! It's like chum! Aah! Oh, God! Shake: Huh.
This vaccine must work on everyone but Carl.
Frylock: We only tried it on Carl.
Shake: And that is a piece of information you will not be giving the fda or the media.
I don't want to have to call this crap herbal, but I will.
Carl: Let me in! Frylock: Meatwad, don't you let him in.
Meatwad: I know, I know don't do it.
Carl: Let me in, let me in, let me in! Frylock: No, meatwad, no! Meatwad: Would all y'all like to come on in? Carl: No! Just let me in! Don't let them in! Meatwad: Y'all help yourselves to some popcorn or just help yourself to Carl.
Carl: Aah! Meatwad: We just gonna be hiding in the back, okay? Shake: All right, what do you think of these names for the vaccine? Vampuprofrin.
That sounds very medical.
Fangtastic.
Battastic.
I keep going back to "tastic.
" Coffin off P.
M.
You only need it at night.
It's branding.
Frylock: Shake, you know that crap don't work.
What are you doing? Shake: Applying deodorant.
I got very worked up back there.
I need to stay dry.
Frylock: Damn, it smells, man! Whoo! Shake: I like it.
It's cheap.
Frylock: Let me see that.
You use garlic deodorant? Shake: Don't you? [ Bats squeaking ] Frylock: Damnt, the hole in the roof.
Markula.
[ Sniffs ] Ooh! Yucky! Frylock: And that's when I realized that it wasn't his blood at all but the deodorant that was driving the vampires away.
Of course, we've since expanded into garlic toothpaste, mouthwash, cologne, shampoo.
Our garlic grooming products have completely eradicated all signs of vampire zombies.
Some would argue that you just made the earth a ttle easier for a new breed of steak-sauce-craving bears to take over.
Frylock: I'm not here to talk about any bears, okay? That's the government's problem.
My point is this I'm rich as hell! Shake: You're also a stuck-up asshole! Guess what.
I developed a vaccine, too.
Meatwad: This here's just steak sauce.
Shake: I get bored doing science stuff! Bring on the creatures of the night! Meatwad: The vampires are all dead, man.
Shake: For I am immune.
It's driving the vampires away! Meatwad: I know, 'cause the vampires are dead.
Shake: Right.
And I did that just now.
Meatwad: But look over there.
Bunch of giant bears.
Shake: Yeah, well, they're like mormons.
You treat them with respect, and they'll be your friend for life.
What's up, my bear bitches? [ All growl ] Uh, dumbest thing I've ever done!