Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Jumpy George

Unit Patrol, Unit Patrol they're back on the beat to make crime disappear beefy disguises from ground-up steer a Sherlock Holmes with laser-beam eyes your own private dick Unit Patrol, Unit Patrol Frylock: Ready! Unit Patrol, Unit Patrol Shake: : Wider.
Crime doesn't pay unless you get away but you won't 'cause you can't from the Aqua Unit Patrol Squad One Announcer: Tonight's episode "Jumpy George.
" Shake: Hey, man! Slap me some skin, brother! Carl: No, I'm not gonna do that.
Shake: Come on, let's seal the deal, baby! Carl: No.
Shake: On the paw! Carl: No, I seen you put the freaking thing on.
I'm not doing it.
Shake: Shake it.
Carl: I'll shake your other hand.
I'm not gonna shake that hand.
Shake: This one.
Shake hands with this one.
Carl: No, I'm not doing it.
Shake: When you least expect it, you're getting the whammy.
Carl: Look, I ain't gonna trifle with no cheap dollar store crap, all right? I invested in some serious technology here.
Check it out.
X-ray goggles.
Shake: Give them to me! You don't whip those out until you spot the major boobage.
And taco.
'Cause taco is king.
Carl: What's that? Is that a broad? Shake: Hey, I noticed you don't have any rings on your finger! Whoo! Carl: Hey, I noticed you ain't got no rings on your finger.
Shake: Hey, babe.
You look like a milf I'd love to meet.
Carl: Hey, you seem single.
What's your name? I'm interested in your and your things, the things you say.
[ Hiss! ] Aah! Shake: Carl, your cologne! Carl: He's lying! He sprayed me with fart spray! Shake: He who smelt it dealt it! What are you doing this weekend? Carl: Yeah, or tonight.
Shake: What about this afternoon? Carl: Or right now? I'm good to go right now.
Let's do this.
Shake: Carl, please.
You smell like farts.
Carl: You spray me again, so help me God, I'll break every freaking yellow finger in your hand in front of this beautiful broad and her two kids.
I really want to know their names, too.
I'm way into kids.
Shake: I'll play catch with them right now.
[ Children scream ] Good catch! Carl: She don't want to date no drink cup! Shake: She will when she gets to know me.
I'm deep, I'm successful, and I'm a tornado in the sack.
Guys.
Guys, please.
I'll be happy to go out with both of you.
Unfortunately, I don't have a babysitter.
Meatwad: You want me to do what to who now? Shake: It's a paying gig! Now you're complaining? Fine.
I'll get somebody else.
Meatwad: Fine.
You do that.
Shake: Okay, fine.
You called my bluff.
But that is the last time that will ever happen, or Santa claus will burn all your toys.
Meatwad: You're bluffing.
You ain't bluffing.
Santa claus will burn my toys! Shake: What can I do? Far away in the north pole, Santa is just clicking a lighter to his gas-soaked toys.
Meatwad: C-call the elves.
The elves know.
Th they know I did good down here! Shake: Not good enough.
Not until you make this right with both me and with father Christmas.
Frylock: Make what right, shake? Shake: Oh, hey, man! Give me five, up top! Frylock: I can see the hand buzzer, man.
Shake: You told him, you Judas! Meatwad: Hey, frylock, I'm babysitting tonight, or Santa claus is gonna burn all my toys down.
Frylock: Meatwad, Santa claus would never burn all your toys, because Santa claus doesn't exist.
Meatwad: He what?! Shake: Then how do you explain all the cookies he eats, huh? Meatwad: Yeah! How you explain that? Frylock: Well, I I haven't figured out how the cookies disappear, okay? Shake: Then don't pop off about things you don't even know about.
Meatwad: I thought I was gonna have to call 911.
Shake: And we don't have a phone, do we? Do we, out-of-work scientist? You need to have them bathed and in their p.
J.
S by 7:00.
Meatwad: Okay.
Make sure you brush their teeth and read their favorite book.
They'll pick them out.
They love books.
And brush her hair out.
It gets tangled.
Meatwad: Okay.
I'll do that.
And they can watch tv, but only a half an hour and only cartoons.
So that means no cartoon network.
And I should be back by 11:00.
Meatwad: All right.
Everybody, get your shoes on.
We're gonna go to dinner and a movie with these people that we've been talking to.
Shake: No, you dumbass! I mean I mean "dumb heinie.
" Did you not just hear all those Things you need to do? Carl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Backtrack.
You said something about returning at 11:00, but the way I had it worked out in my mind, that's about the time when I got both of my hands deep in your bra, kneading your chest like pizza dough.
Shake: Uh, she's sleeping with me tonight, Carl.
Carl: Yeah, right.
On the floor in the hallway? Shake: Yeah.
Away from the puddles of his urine.
Meatwad: I don't do that.
Shake: I know you do that.
Meatwad: I do it sometimes.
Don't leave, mommy! Don't go.
I don't like this babysitter! Shake: Get the Out of my way or I'm gonna put a hole in you so big I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little excited about the big night ahead of us.
Let's take my car.
Hey, Carl, can I borrow your car? Carl: No, I don't think so.
We're driving my car.
But there's only room for two.
So someone may have to ride in the trunk.
Shake: Yeah.
And that's you, right? I mean, it's our date.
Carl: It's gonna be you, cup.
Shake: Fine.
What about this? Would you possibly mind riding in the trunk? Carl: Shake! Hey! Shake: Just until we get to the hoagie shop.
Carl: Hey! I ain't having my date ride in the trunk! Unless she wants to.
There is a lot of leg room back there.
You know, once you take out the spare and the subwoofer.
You think about it.
But we are at the curb now.
Meatwad: Hmm.
I'm gonna stay in here for five more minutes.
And I need to conduct a space battle in here, but after that, it's bedtime.
[ Imitates laser fire ] You know, I ain't playing around.
I am playing around, yes, with space toys, but I'm not playing around when it comes to bedtime.
We're not her children.
We're bodyguards.
In an intergalactic witness protection program.
And that mommy [ Distorted ] Is actually in our custody.
Meatwad: And I'm the king wookie, and this here's my bubble gun.
[ Imitates laser fire ] You think I'm [Bleep] Around with you, huh? Meatwad: It's okay, sweetie, 'cause your mama, she's in very good hands.
Carl: Aah! Can't believe you forgot to bring the freaking coupon! Shake: I don't cut things out just 'cause you say so! 47, food's up.
Shake: Besides, our food's here! Where's our date? Wow.
This is embarrassing, but can we borrow $15.
92? Carl: Well, I got chips, too.
So we need money for those, too.
But, uh, I'll pay you back later with my world-famous chest massage.
[ Laughs ] You hear me? Wake up.
Shake: Hey, wake up.
Wake up! What did I tell you? Poke holes in the trunk.
Carl: Dig around in her purse there for a $20.
I mean, those guys are still waiting at the cash register for us.
Shake: You do it.
Carl: What the hell is that? What are you doing? Shake: Rose petals.
I'm building a little bridge to Town.
Carl: All right, look.
I got diarrhea, bad.
But you don't make no seduction moves with my date while I'm gone.
I got my eye on you.
[ Door opens, bell jingles ] [ Door closes ] Shake: Wake up, my lady.
Mightn't I help you out of your chariot so you might have the pleasure of watching me shove this steak knife into this jackass' tire? [ Grunting ] I'll get it.
Hold on.
[ Grunting ] [ Beeping ] Ignignokt: We vaporize her, and those parking tickets disappear.
Err: Okay, man.
Come on.
[ Distorted ] We need to go get her.
Meatwad: Okay, but remember, now, we all need to brush our teeth first.
We'll be brushing our teeth with your blood if we don't get out of here now.
Meatwad: No.
Your mama said that y'all need to read me some books and comb my hair to keep it tangled, 'cause I'm supposed to be in bed by 8:00.
You're the worst [Bleep] Babysitter we ever had! Heinie rockets, go! [ Both farting ] Meatwad: See you later, then.
I mean wait.
Can I stay up and watch some tv? Carl: Look, I'm laying all my cards on the table here.
I want us to have an honest relationship right off the bat.
I couldn't help but notice that you got kids.
How tight are you? Shake: Carl, that is inappropriate, as is the diarrhea on the back of your shirt.
Carl: I I must apologize.
It was like I sat down on a flamethrower back there, you know? You can relate.
And you need to stock your bathroom better! I had to run out here with my pants around my ankles and grab some napkins! Oh, my God.
[ Beep, beep ] It's them.
[ Siren chirps ] Ignignokt: There's my parking space right there, on top of that other vehicle in a parking space.
We park anywhere we want.
Err: I'm handicapped, man! 'Cause I'm drunk.
[ Laughs ] Ignignokt: And you can't do one single thing about it.
[ Camera shutter clicking ] [ Thud ] Err: Man, you told that pig off and that bitch and that judge and that guy in the jail that raped you! Ignignokt: They all know where to go and how to eat it now.
I've told them where their dinner is and what it is.
I testified against them.
Witness Protection sent me here.
Err: And we followed you! Ignignokt: Hurry, err.
Vaporize him.
Err: I told you, man, this is as freaking fast as it goes.
It is a vaporizer.
Carl: Hey! I'm having an intimate, romantic evening over here.
So you pipe it down or I'll pipe down your face! Ignignokt: How about an appetizer one fresh bird, fat boy, straight up.
Meatwad: Hey, y'all, I've come here to tell u that I put your kids to bed at 8:00, just like you said.
You left them at home? Meatwad: Well, no.
Of course not.
I wouldn't do that.
I let them come with me.
Hey, mommy.
Hey, mom.
Meatwad: I'm just telling you a lie so I don't get in no trouble.
Set heinie lasers to kill.
[ Both fart ] [ Beep, beep, beep, beep ] Okay.
We should go.
Well, I've had a really nice time tonight.
Carl: So which one of you pushed a steak knife through my back tire, huh? Shake: I don't know.
I guess you'd better go take care of that.
Me and my lady are taking the bus to bangville, a.
K.
A.
The hot, rashy astroturf in my rented flat.
Carl: He don't care about you! I'm the one that loves you and imagines you riding me! I wish I could stay with both of you, but I'm sorry.
The truth is, I'm molting for the next three days.
Plus, my vagina would destroy you, and I sweat acid.
[ Roars ] [ Whoosh ] Shake: What did you say to her to make her leave? Carl: I don't know.
I stopped paying attention, like, two hours ago.
All I heard was, "blah, blah, blah, period.
I'm on my period.
" Shake: Just on and on and on and gababababa! Carl: Blip blop blippity doo! Shake: God.
I try to say one lie about myself and my fake achievements, and it's like I'm talking to a wall.
Carl: They're all like that.
They're all like, "now that dinner's paid for, I got to go.
My shell has broken open, and now I got to go to another galaxy.
" Freaking molting bitches.
[ Thudding ] [ Rattle ] Shake: Look, I'm sorry I let some stupid broad get in between you and me and us both getting some with her.
Carl: I'm sorry, too.
I'm gonna go inside, fire up the computer, and rub one out.
Pop a coldie and then rub a second smaller one out.
If I have enough.
Shake: Yeah, me too.
[ Door closes ] How would one go about doing that, exactly? I mean, I know.
[ Laughs ] Ah, it's just a friend of mine was Curious.