Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Big Bro

I'm the pimp on top, can't never be stopped Frylock is on the bottom, and your mama on my Shakezula is m'elegante de la casa.
El Meatwad es tan Grande.
Don't understand why you're [bleep] with a "G" 'Cause Shake got the bait, make a blind man see Meatwad got your mama in my ride Rollin' up the whole up and then keep the hoes high "Aqua Something You Know" Eh, whatever.
No, no, no.
Sand it more in the front, and you'll eliminate a lot of drag.
See, it's all about increasing your velocity coefficient.
You like physics? Sure you do, because numbers are cool.
The only number I care about is number one.
Well, winning's not everything.
It's every only thing ever Vince Lombardi.
The hell you doing? Oh, hey, Carl.
We're making a soapbox derby car.
This is my new best bud, Gerald.
- Say hey, Gerald.
- What's up? It looks, uh, a little like 2 Wycked.
Yeah, man.
That's the inspiration.
Well, 2 Wycked is copyrighted.
Well, I mean, can we No, you can't.
It's a one-of-a-kind original.
- I can't have you and Oh, what's-his-nuts - It's Gerald.
Whatever his name is, cheapening it with a knock-off.
Carl, look, this is my little brother in the Big Brother program, okay? I want to show him that not all men in this world are abusive.
I'm just saying that if you continue ripping off my idea, my unique graphic, someone's face is gonna get ripped off, and that ain't a threat.
That's the Carl guarantee.
Carl, he's 9.
When I was 9, I already had hair on my buttocks, back, and underarms, like an animal in the zoo.
Life sucks, my friend, 'cause guess what.
Boom that just happened.
Oh, Gerald, get your book bag.
Your mom's here.
Gerald, get over here! Did you plop him in front of the TV? Gerald and I had a great time.
Didn't we, buddy? I swear to God, he bugs the ass out of me.
We's just teaching your boy about intellectual property law.
Don't pay attention to him.
Hi, I'm Carl.
I'm his co-big brother here.
Uh, you have to excuse Carl here.
He's not at all involved in the program.
But I am going to be.
I get it.
I get it.
You want to go.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah, we will.
We'll see both of those tomorrow just a bouncin' around.
You can sign up for the program at the local community center, too, Carl.
Plenty of kids out there.
Why don't you just No, no, no.
I want that one.
Do you know anything about soccer? What? Besides that it's gay? Yeah, besides that it's gay.
It is also boring.
There's that, too.
Aw, come on, Gerald, get your head out of your ass! This is what I think of your hustle right now.
Carl, please! Kick that ball, or I'm gonna kick your ass.
Chill out, man! I'm gonna go to the playground.
Yeah, yeah.
You're right.
You're right.
I get a little heated here.
Give me that chair.
Yeah, yeah, good idea, man sit down, cool off.
That's right, zebra! You got money on this game or something, huh?! What is this, a Valentine's card? I love you, too! Yeah! Look, I lost my cool.
I went loco out there.
Like, I definitely should not have rammed that guy's S.
in the parking lot afterwards, but I did not like how his kid was on the other team mouthing off, like going "yay" when they scored a goal.
That's bulletin-board material.
Okay, so, we bonded now? We good with that? Where's your mom? Here, Gerald.
Go play the claw cage.
I need to talk to your other big brother here.
What? This is going solid.
Look, that kid has seen a lot of trouble in his time, and if you think this is a game just to get in his mom's pants Oh, I'm sorry, Gandhi.
Why are you doing it? For Gerald.
He's had a tough road.
Is that right? Okay, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I want to get in his mom's pants, too.
She is hot, and I like her boobs.
Yep! Yeah, there we go.
But she just got out of an abusive relationship, and she ain't in the mood to start another one.
Hey, the claw cage took my money.
It did what to my son? Where? Clamp down on that fuzzy guppy, you bitch! Oh, hey, guy.
What's up? Oh, hey, Darlene.
Did you have a good mother's morning out? Who's that shirtless guy over there with Gerald? That's just some knucklehead.
Ooh, looks like you got a mani-pedi.
Look how strong he is.
How 'bout we cut out the middle man? Yeah! I like a man who uses force to get what he wants.
Friend of yours? Mm-hmm, that's Carl.
He my best friend.
What the hell are you doing here? You never take me out for no all-you-can-eat pizza.
Yeah, I got free Teddy bears to go around and the MP3 player.
They didn't think I could get that, huh? And I could do that same trick to the condom machine in the service station down the street If that's what you want.
Okay, we got all his stuffed toys and his sleeping bag and whatnot.
Eddie money ought to be done by midnight, so we'll see you after that.
Unless Dot-dot-dot-deet-dot! Tonight! - Do you, uh, want to play checkers? - Good night.
You got more, bitch? You got more? You got more?! - Stop that.
- I wasn't doing anything.
Get that damn finger out your nose.
- I wasn't.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Don't eat it! - I'm not.
Make me a woman! Make me a woman! Carl! Hey, Fryman, what's up? You got any more pinot gris? Where's the other box? Hey, mom.
You left for the Eddie money concert four days ago! Well, we never made it.
We got too busy, uh, doing a little rock show of our own in here.
Know what I mean? Your mom plays a pretty mean skin flute.
Oh, yeah! Were you ever gonna stop by and pick up Gerald? At this age, he don't need to be exposed to all this alcohol and nonstop banging.
It ain't a positive environment for him.
You left him with one pair of underwear and a gummy worm.
Listen, when you tell a kid he ain't never gonna amount to nothing, you got to give him a gummy worm first.
It softens the blow.
I wasn't gonna tell him that! Well, someone has to, 'cause I'm bored with it.
Wait, Carl! Carl! Boom! Feel the heat! I will slide down this ladder all day on your ass! I don't want to play anymore.
Okay, all right, look.
I'm sorry, but you suck at this game.
When you tangle with the ladder master, you slide down the chute and you get shot, son! Gerald, get over here.
Well, about damn time.
We've got to go.
I've got some exciting news! - You're gonna have a little brother! - What? Yeah, the, uh the trap has two lines on it.
The strip, I mean.
We're gonna be a family! And congratulations on that.
So, you just give me a call sometime, okay, toots, when you, you know, reopen for business.
No, silly.
I'll be back later tonight with all my things.
- Where your keys, honey bunny? - What do you mean? - You're taking the bus, right? - Um I guess so.
Yeah, you guess right.
I'm just so excited.
Come on, Gerald! I'm coming! Yeah, no, thank you.
No, thank you.
You know, Carl, I'm still a little pissed off, but I know when I've been beat.
Just kill me.
- Kill me now.
- Ah, come on, Carl.
- You're gonna be a daddy! - You're a science guy.
You got to have some sort of laser beam that like, uh What? Abortion ray? That's so weird how you could read my mind.
Yeah, he doesn't.
I ask him all the time.
You can't abort me.
- I exist.
- You're not a child.
You're a choice.
What am I gonna do? Follow me.
I'm quite good at fixing situations.
Hey, you've reached Carl's voicemail.
Unfortunately, he's not able to get it.
He's just left the country on some very important international business.
Boy, I hope that plane doesn't crash looked like it might.
Hey, anyway, leave a message.
I will try and get it to him, but probably delete it if it's something we don't want to hear.
You really think this will w You really think this will work? We don't guarantee our service.
That's why I requested a check in advance.
- Carl, you got to own up to this.
- Own up to what? It is obvious to you and me and the nose on my face that she is a gold digger.
She wants my vinyl-sided house.
She wants my above-ground pool.
She wants my 21-inch plasma screen.
She don't love me for who I am! You have one option.
Fake your death.
Well, our service guarantees actual death.
That's just a water gun.
No, it's not.
See? I told you.
This is crystallized black-widow venom.
You will inhale it, and it will put your body in a catatonic state for up to 10 days.
We'll tell her you're dead She moves on.
Then you just need to hide out for the rest of your life.
All right, let's light this candle.
First, we are here today, to go that all-you-can-eat pizza place that I'm crazy about that got the busted claw cage with the stuffed toys.
Shh, have some respect.
Meatwad! Hold on a second.
Hold on.
After the funeral.
Is that what this is? Yes, that's what this is! Hey, look at this, y'all.
I do the lever this way, the coffin rises back up.
And now look at this.
Stop that! It's so disrespectful! Let me try it! Look, I know you're in a lot of pain right now, Darlene, and I think I can help you through this as a friend or maybe more.
No offense, Fryman, but I need a real man in my life.
You never were strong or assertive, like my Carl.
Oh, a real man, huh? I'll show you a real man! Carl, you fat bastard! Damn yo' ass for dying on us! You ain't going to heaven, not if I have anything to say about it! I've never seen Frylock in this light.
He reminds me of dad.
I told you, popcorn-potpourri looks like buff.
I like it, especially the hat that it come in.
Get the meatball out of here! Okay, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
Dang, she sure made herself at home in my room.
Listen, all's fair in love and war, Meatwad.
But, uh And that's why you're moving in the living room with Shake.
Your kingdom doth lie west.
The east is mine! Through this duct-tape sea, thou shall not pass! Is Carl really dead? Let's just say he went underground.
She's gone.
Wait a minute.
Dancing is for men For men, for men, for men, for men Dancing is for men For men, for men, for men, for men Dancing is for men