Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Granite Family

Wanda! Open this door, Wanda.
Wanda!! Hey, hey, Frank, buddy boy.
Oh, hey, Bob.
The door's locked again.
It happens every week, doesn't it? - Wanda! - Did you check the mat, buddy boy? Oh, right the key.
Hey! Watch it, buddy! Yeah, I wish I could lie down on the job.
Try paying off your student loans with this gig.
This has absolutely no connection to my or anyone else I know's life.
Well, the show was written in the '50s.
Well, now, don't you think that they would factor that in before they put it on TV in front of me here in the year 2000? It's a rerun.
Well, it needs a re-face.
Rerun? In "what's happening!!"? What's happening in "what's happening!!" Is that it's in constant reruns, which is how I know what's happening in that show at all times.
I'm talking about rerun the character.
And Raj and Shirley.
And I'm talking about you rerunning your mouth and re-ruining my television experience.
I was having a good time here before you arrived.
Like J.
in "Good Times"? Yeah.
Yeah, exactly like J.
Dynomite! Growing up poor and black in the Chicago projects See, now, that, I can relate to.
Damn it! The house alarm! I got to pay child support somehow.
Maybe I'd get it if I, too, were in the stone age.
Well, I have these time thongs.
You wear them and you can travel back to the stone age.
Thongs are for dongs.
I have a plan that's about I don't like going back to the past.
If that zap on me.
And over here we've The Oval Office.
But only the president's allowed in there.
That's where the nuclear button is.
Oh, great.
Let's look at more [bleep] presidential China over there.
Way down that hall.
Okay, sounds good.
Is this Russia? Hey, eat my [bleep] you beet-munchin', - face-wart-having communists! - What?! I'm president Barack Obama, and I'm sending a missile straight up your poop chute! U.
! U.
! Look, Err.
Earth is remaking "The Granite Family.
" - What?! - It's a timeless classic, Err.
It was made in a land before time.
"Land Before Time" or "The Land That Time Forgot"? No, that's the "Land of The Lost" you're thinking.
- Oh.
- With Cha-ka.
- See? - Damn it! We're gonna be back in the stone age! Like the mesozoic group of guys - Carl! - Carl! Carl, open up, man! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Some privacy here, huh?! These are our last fleeting moments together.
I want to cherish this.
Now bend over.
Carl, you got a bomb shelter, right? Oh, right, yeah! - That's right I do! - You got a bomb shelter, right? Yeah, awesome! Yeah! Sort of turned it into my man cave, you know.
It's where I come to party.
Check it out Zebra.
- "Tell Me What U Want" - 1987, though.
- Wow canned food and a water filter.
This is probably the suckiest place I've ever been in my life! Hey, I got Dolby 5.
1 Surround in here.
My Z-breakers! I call 'em that 'cause 'Cause I listen to Zebra on 'em.
Oh, man.
Ohh! Left my flat-screen up there.
Uh, it's not really a flat-screen.
Technically, it's a rear-screen projection TV.
It looks flat from the front.
Bit chunky from the side, though.
- I'm gonna back for it.
- No, Carl! It's not a flat-screen! Everyone chill.
I got a regenerator here.
We're rock-solid for the next two It says 2 1/2 hours.
We don't need electricity for music.
That bird is contaminated! This is a stone age record player just like on "The Granite Family.
" Shrug and say something funny, like, "it's a living.
" Get it out of here! That was a brand-new needle.
I'm getting scared, Frylock.
We'll be okay, little buddy.
You just stay with me, okay? Do you think Santa Claus knows that we relocated? And you think maybe we should send him a change of address? - If he weren't a melted pile of goo.
- No! Let's all just stay still.
- I may be eating you later for food, and I like fatty cuts.
- No! They're much more flavorful.
Nobody ain't gonna eat anybody, okay?! - You got that?! - Fine.
Though, it is weird that one of us is made of nothing but meat.
Who? Who we talking Carl? - I call this part right here.
- Hey! - The tummy steak.
- Hey! - Okay, I got to poop, y'all.
- Ooh! You know what would be funny? If we had, like, an ancient Rhino and then you poop in his mouth and the Rhino goes like, "same [bleep] different day.
" But we don't, do we? Because guess what, Shake.
- We ain't "The Granite Family"! - Okay.
How about this bag here? Can I poop in this bag? No, no, no.
That's my keg bag.
I'm supposed to return that tomorrow so I don't lose my deposit.
Carl, the liquor store is gone, man! Everything is gone.
So you're sayin' that The keg bag and the tap is free now? Keg stand! Someone get my ankles.
What? I know we need to ration it, but it's gonna go flat.
What do I do with this? - Ew! - You know what? You keep the bag and you keep it far away from me.
- That's a gift.
- Thank you, Carl.
- I got a free bag, y'all.
- Get that out of here.
You get out of here.
I did all the work.
I filled it up.
Okay, look, we need to get together and assign duties.
Now, what can everyone do? Hey, I look at this.
It's like a fart noise.
Look, someone's gonna have to take this bag outside.
And go for help, too, right? Yeah, sure.
So let's think about this for a second.
- Who here is the most valuable - and is the smartest.
Okay, it's settled.
I'll be back with help.
- Take the bag! - I'm getting it.
Okay, look, y'all.
There ain't no one out there not for thousands of miles.
And I only have three of these time thongs And please stop farting with your arm, Carl! This is serious! Some of them weren't my arm.
Oh This is not at all like "The Granite Family.
" Where's the laughs? Where's all the talking animals who hate their jobs? I am Time Warner.
I am Master Shake.
I travel throughout time to warn people not to use any ideas from my movies or T-TV shows, or I will be forced to s-sue them.
You want to see my record player? As long as it's not a-a bird.
I-I-it's not a bird, is it? - Oh.
- I-it better not be a-a bird.
Carl! Carl!! Why a thong? I mean, why not just, like, a ring, like Green Lantern? I don't know.
Or a watch, like Dick Tracy, or a belt, like Batman.
Or them sunglasses that Keanu used in "The Matrix" that talked to computers.
Carl!! I-I don't know.
I didn't see it.
- I didn't buy into the hype.
- A thong just seemed like the thing to do.
It was fresh a new idea.
Hadn't seen that before.
- Planning to travel through t-time? - Time Warner! Why does everyone have thongs but me? - A thong? F-f-fresh.
- What's going on here? I'm going back in time to stop you, Shake, before you try to remake "The Granite Family.
" I-it doesn't matter, because I'm going to, eh, to the future to sell the "Granite Family" remake to this fox.
- Whoo-hoo! - I own time travel.
It's my, eh, my thing, and if you use it, I'll t-t-tell you to cease and d-d-d-desist.
Oh, come on, man.
You don't have the market on this.
Tons of people have done it.
- "Time bandits.
" - Own it.
- "Terminator.
" - Own it.
- "Timecop.
" - Own it.
- "Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision"? - Own it.
- "The Butterfly Effect"? - Own it.
- "Butterfly Effect 2"? - Own it.
- "Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations"? - Own it.
- "Timescape.
" - Um, o-own it.
- "Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal of Time"? - Own it.
- "Hot Tub Time Machine"? - Own it.
- "Timerider: The adventure of Lyle Swann"? - Own it.
- "Rhine Song.
" - Own it.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
Who knows how to get the underwear to work? Maybe you're getting some interference off that can of peaches you got in your britches.
Oh, come on.
Who put this in here? Well, I guess now I am legend.
You don't own that one, right? Forever.
In perpe-perpet-perpet Myuh-myuh-myuh Perp heh heh Aah! For really long time? And over here we've The Oval Office.
But only the president's allowed in there.
That's where the nuclear button is.
Oh, great.
Let's look at more [bleep] presidential China over there.
- Way down that Hall.
- Okay, sounds good.
- Hey, how are you? - Hey, yourself.
Sorry, Shake.
Not this time.
Frylock! Open the door, Frylock! Hello, Frylick.
Wait a minute.
I just locked you outside! - Did you? - You can't do this to me! You messed with the rift of the passage of time, thus changing it forever 'Cause you did it the other way.
There's a smarter way of saying that, but I didn't like it in the script.
This doesn't make any sense.
This is the past.
How are there two of you? I don't care.
- I'm the president of the United States.
- Wait a minute.
- You're the what?! - Guards, seize him! Hey, wait! N-n-no! You got the wrong one! No, wait! Shake! Shake! - Shake!! - Happens every week, doesn't it? You should, uh, check the mat, Fryman.
This is not believable.
There should be a key under the under the mat so they can get in.
What if the mat said something? Like he was bored with his job as a mat.
Like, "an-another day, an-another dollar"? Whoo-hoo! I like it.
Sundays at 9:00.