Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Totem Pole

I'm the pimp on top, can't never be stopped Frylock is on the bottom, and your mama on my Shakezula is m'elegante de la casa.
El Meatwad es tan grande.
Don't understand why you're [bleep] with a "g" 'Cause Shake got the bait, make a blind man see Meatwad got your mama in my ride Rollin' up the whole up and then keep the hoes high "Aqua Something You Know" Eh, whatever.
Hey, what's going on here, ah? You're looking at it, tubs.
It's on.
Anybody here want to go, uh, see a serious rock show? Get your face melted off? Blow your hair to the back of the auditorium? You want to be seen with us in public? - Are you paying for it? - I'm giving you a deal.
Oh, okay.
No, thank you, then.
How about $12? That's face value.
I-I can't do no better than that.
Sorry, Carl.
As you can see, we're booked.
- You ain't even heard what this is yet.
- What is it? The world's greatest east german metal band Totem Pole.
This is their "Trapped Inside Alive" tour.
Yeah, no, thank you.
They've been behind the iron curtain for way too long.
Finally, the pole is brought stateside tonight! All right.
Have a good time, man.
- 8 bucks a pop.
How about that? - No.
- 4 bucks.
Come on! - Nope.
I'm gonna eat 95 tickets if you don't buy these! - 95 tickets? - There was a 96-ticket limit online.
Figured I could flip 'em at the show.
I may have overestimated demand for Totem Pole.
You can sell them, Carl.
You're a good salesman.
I'm hooked, and I don't even know what it is.
Fine.
Free! Merry [bleep] Christmas! 'Cause you got a free Totem pole show out of this! You know that ad that says the best things in life are free? I believe it, and that's why I want to go.
Yeah, me too.
I'm the demographic for free, because I'm unemployable.
What does this Totem Pole sing? A lot of songs about forming human Totem poles and shoving heads up asses.
Yeah, they're way into that.
Check it out "Poles On Patrol," "Poles & Souls," "Poleorite," "Glory Pole" that's the seminal album.
That's the desert-island disc.
"Poleing Place" they got very political in that one.
"For Whom the Bell Poles" classic.
"Polegasm" classic.
"How Many Poles to Screw In the Bulb?" another classic.
"Polenight," "Not Polite To Say No To Polenight" that's their first English-speaking album.
"Ringthrust" that's a double album, and it also marks the first time they didn't use the word "pole" in their album titles.
Who's that weirdo at the top? Seems to be a recurring motif.
That's Lenny the Troll.
He's their mascot.
That's who they're talking about when they sing, "Summon the Troll to sit on the pole and lift up the pole," and then solo.
Yeah, you know, Carl I think I'm coming down with something, man.
Are you out of your mind? They're recording a live album tonight! We can get obnoxious and get on the record.
"Loving It Live in Poladelphia".
Poladelphia? Yeah, the Philly show got canceled, so they're recording it here! At the high-school gymnasium! Shh! Shh! Shut up! Listen! Young lady and lass, enter the ass Open the ring, and the anus shall sing Yeah, I hate to miss it.
Meatwad, get that out of my butt! feel fine to me.
Sorry, Carl, but we'll take a rain check.
That's cool.
When you're feeling better, we'll do the D.
C.
show.
'Cause I'm following them all the way down the coast, baby! Yeah, fun.
I just love this music, you know? It speaks to me.
In what language, exactly? God, this place is gonna get packed to the gills.
Way cool to see all these other people into what I'm into.
And yet none of them are women.
You said it was gonna be crawling with trim.
Tonight ain't about whores.
I still plan to get some, but when you get in the Totem Pole zone, it's like nothing else matters.
You hear the klaxon that summons the Troll clong, clong, clong.
You'll feel it up your spine.
Is that there the Troll? That's Lenny.
Uh, don't don't look over there.
Wow, he looks even smaller in person.
We ought to talk to him Well, maybe not.
I don't want to bother him before the show.
Lenny!! Lenny! - Did he look over? - He's looking at us, Carl.
- Hey, Lenny.
- Sorry! It was him! He did that! You don't talk to Lenny unless spoken to! Wait, hang on, no.
Buy me a baseball Jersey, bumper sticker, and fridge magnet.
- Get them all signed.
- The lights are going down.
Meatman, where you going? I'm going home.
I'm afraid of the dark.
The legend has it in their albums that when they form the pole, it's an antenna to the underworld.
So, the skeletons will rise and America will learn.
- What will they learn? - I don't know.
That is to be revealed on future albums.
Raise the pole! Raise the pole! Okay, I'm gonna up of the stage.
You catch me, all right? Okay.
Oh, what a hell? I told you to catch me! - I tried.
- All right, look.
I'm gonna go up there again.
But next time, you catch me! We're gonna summon the Troll, yeah! Hey! Wait! Wait! No! No! Don't! Don't! Please, don't! Don't! Carl, all right! You summoned the Troll, man! I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Wait, hang on.
We'd like to ask you, please stop punching the Troll.
We only have four trolls for this tour.
They are very expensive.
They hards to trap.
And if we damage this one, we'll only have three left, and two of them are sick.
Sorry.
Okay, let's pick it up at "Who Will Light the Fire.
" Hey, check it out, Carl! I got a backstage laminate.
Hey, people really cleared out of here.
What's going on down there? Oh, that's never gonna fit! He's too big! He's too big! It fits! Skeletons, rise, my children! Oh [bleep] skeletons! Get the wristbands, the bandanas and the t-shirts! - Help me deflate the zeppelin! - Mario, get the amps! Why'd the music stop? What's going on? I'm hoping it's the fire marshal shutting it down! Come on! They only played one song! Someone grab the Troll! I can't get him off.
It's like he's glued.
- We'll find another troll in D.
C.
! - They're Swedish trolls! Let's ship one overnight.
Hurry up! Lets go! Hang on! Wait! No! No! Don't go away! Stop! - Can I get a picture with you? - Oh, man, yeah, sure.
Quickly.
Shake, get my camera out of my ass.
Hand it to the Troll.
- Ohh, ow! - Here it is! How's it look? We got time for another one? Got to go, guy.
Thanks for coming.
See you guys in D.
C.
! Totem Pole rules! How we gonna get home, Carl? I can drive.
I only had like uh, eight beers.
- Yeah, but can you see? - Not what I want to see.
We better call a cab.
Grab my cellphone out of my ass and pass it up to the Troll.
Aah! Ohh, oh, okay.
I'm holding it out with my right hand.
Reach! To your right.
There you go.
You got it.
Hey, Lenny! The cab's on speed dial.
Ask for a van with a luggage rack and tell him to bring bungee cords.
I think we may have to ride up top.
Lenny, what's it like working with the band? Is helment as cool as he seemed like on the album covers? Not a lot of oxygen inside this troll.
You know what I mean? Whew.
- Who, me? - You might as well sit down.
We're gonna be here awhile.
Skeletons have the place surrounded.
So, where you guys headed next, huh? D.
C.
If we get there.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
You know, I shouldn't have asked it 'cause I read about it on the blog, I got tickets for that show, and you guys are so awesome.
You must score so much tail in this band.
- So, what do you do? - I'm between opportunities.
Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful, here.
I'm just getting a little claustrophobic, you know? Please don't fight it.
the Troll gets energy from you through his butt.
If you fight too hard, he'll clench and shear your head right off.
Just pass out, and he will evacuate you from his bowels.
He'll get bored with you.
You're not very interesting.
I heard about that show in Belgium.
I mean, 23 headless corpses? - 27.
- Geez.
Yeah, we had to fire that troll.
Wow.
Oh, man, I just remembered we have a live in-studio performance at K-rock in Washington.
Washington D.
C.
's only home for east german metal? - What time? - 4:00 in the morning.
- Get the guns! - What about the Troll? Leave the Troll! We got to go! - No! - Oh, man.
You know, I didn't even think you guys would play "Polegasm" anymore, but you freaking led with it.
Ahh, awesome show, dudes! - They're gone, Carl.
- I'm hearing footsteps.
- Little clickity-clackity, you know? - Yeah, I hear it, too.
It's like tap shoes, right? Hey, have you heard any demos of the new stuff? - Who, me? - No, the Troll.
Have you heard any demos?! He don't speak English.
Ohh! Ohh.
Oh, thank God.
Carl, ask the band where they're partying late night, you know? - Maybe we can hook up with them? - Shut up.