Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Banana Planet

[ Rhythmic drumming ] Uh-uh-uh, ooh.
Welcome to paradise.
Now, leave all your worries and other TV shows behind, baby.
It's time for "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Frylock: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Shake: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Meatwad: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" I said "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Frylock: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Shake: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Meatwad: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" [ Rapping ] I said Master Shake, Frylock My little homey Meatwad Lotus on the beats Yeah, we heavy in the streets Yeah, we got the whole planet In the palm of our hands, though So give thumbs up for the "Aqua TV --" [ Evil laughter ] [ Brakes squeal ] Frylock: And you see those five stars together? Why, they make up the belt of Orion.
Meatwad: That's -- that's, uh, neat.
Frylock: Yeah, you bet it is.
You want to see it up close? Meatwad: Stars.
Yeah, I get it.
Pointy thing on top of the Christmas tree, huh? I know the drill.
Frylock: Get your head out of that damn phone! - This is important.
- Meatwad: Be careful with that.
The guy on the bus who sold it to me, he said that's a smart phone.
Frylock: This is a calculator.
Meatwad: Uh, you got it upside down.
Dummy.
There you go.
Frylock: Boobless.
Meatwad: Means "without boobs.
" You get it? Frylock: Real funny, Meatwad, if you're a fourth grader.
Meatwad: Oh, it's coming back.
You'll see.
Frylock: Meatwad, take a look up there.
Meatwad: All right.
What am I looking at -- this, uh, big ol' yellow banana? Frylock: Oh! That's probably just the mighty bow of Copernicus.
Meatwad: Nope.
That there is a big ol' yellow banana.
Frylock: I highly doubt that.
Well, I'll be damned.
That is a big ol' yellow banana.
Meatwad: Yep.
That's a big ol' yellow banana.
Frylock: Meatwad, hand me my audio oscilloscope.
Meatwad: What's that? This right here? Frylock: You don't have anything in your hand.
Meatwad: Oh, yeah I do.
Smell it.
And then wonder where it's been.
Shake: I'll smell it.
And I can guess things, 'cause I'm always right.
[ Sniffs ] Meatwad: Hey, you know what it is? Where it's been? Shake: Uh, let me do it again.
Meatwad: Yeah.
Meatwad: Breathe deeper, boy.
Shake: [ Laughs ] I get three sniffs.
Those are the rules.
[ Sniffs ] - I'm getting a whiff of -- - Meatwad: What? What are you getting a whiff of? Shake: You have been pulling spiral slices off my honey-baked ham! - Meatwad: Oh, didn't see your name on it.
Shake: My name is clearly spelled out on it in mustard squirts.
Frylock: Will y'all shut the hell up and listen to this? [ Monkey hooting ] It's Morse code.
I believe it's simian in nature.
[ Hooting continues ] S OS.
Shake: That spellssauce.
- Frylock: It means help, Shake.
- Shake: They want sauce! - Frylock: They want help.
- Shake: Is this a microphone? You buy your own, you stinking apes! Meatwad: We gonna help them, ain't we, Frylock? Frylock: Meatwad, I think we have a moral responsibility to.
Carl: Awfully quiet over there at the maniac ranch.
Maybe they got monoxide poisoning, you know.
Maybe I should check.
Make sure it happened.
Oh, I'm talking to myself again.
"Stay clear ofrocket blast?" What the hell's that mean? Eh, I'm sure it's nothing.
Why is my pool moving? Why is my pool moving?! I just skimmed all the pubes out of here! Frylock: We have liftoff, y'all.
Yeah! Meatwad: Touchdown! Carl: [ Screaming ] Frylock: You did put those signs up like I asked you to? Shake: Yes.
I, uh -- I leaned them up.
So, yes.
Frylock: Wait, what do you mean "leaned them up?" - Shake: You know, leaned them.
- Frylock: I thought I heard a scream.
Meatwad: It was like a big ol' scream.
Shake: In space, no one can hear you scream.
Frylock: Yeah, I know.
This rocket is super illegal, man.
Shake: Look.
- Frylock: Look at what? - Shake: Ham.
I brought it.
Perfect for space.
My ham! Frylock: I told your ass not to bring that ham! Meatwad: Hook me up with some ham, brother.
Shake: No one touch it! It's mine.
Every spiral slice.
Frylock: I think you better buckle up, buddy.
All right.
Here we go.
Booster rockets -- go! Shake: Aah! [ Grunts ] We better be back by 8:00, 'cause I lot of stuff I like to watch starts coming on then.
- Frylock: You guys better brace for impact.
- Shake: Brace for what? Frylock: Approach to Banana Planet commencing in t-minus three two one.
Shake: [ Screams ] Frylock: Attention, citizens of thisbig ol' yellow banana.
We are the Aqua Teens.
Meatwad: We make the homies say, "Ho," and the girlies want to scream.
Frylock: Give that damn thing back.
Meatwad: What? Frylock: We received your distress signal, and we've come to help.
Ow! Wait a minute.
Stop! Hey! Meatwad: Ew! They're throwing poopy.
Frylock: Close your mouth, Meatwad.
Meatwad: Poopy! No! Monkey poop in my mouth, 'cause I keep talking and won't shut my mouth! Chimpanzees, our turd arsenal has been depleted.
Hurry, masturbate into your hand and fling it at them.
Frylock: Hurry, Meatwad.
Back in the ship.
Back in the ship before they get aroused.
Wait.
Stay right there.
This will take some time.
We just did it Frylock: Look, there's no reason to attack us, especially not in this way.
You and us -- we're essentially the same, right? Our brains are slightly bigger, yes, but we share 99% of the same DNA.
Right? Your ass is not red! Frylock: Wait.
No! You don't understand.
You're bananished.
Shackle them and bring them to the Bananasium.
Meatwad: So, is this here be the Bananasium? Uh, yeah.
This be the Bananasium.
If two turds emerge from the dome, you will be put to death.
But if one turd emerges, you will become king.
But if two turds emerge, you will be put to death.
But if one turd emerges, you will be elected to king.
Meatwad: Hang on, so -- If two turds emerge from the dome -- Frylock: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Can I stop you right there? So, your king lives in this dome, and he's gonna elect a total stranger to replace him? Meatwad: Well, yeah, if one turd emerges.
But if two turds emerge -- You will be put to death.
But if one turd emerges -- Frylock: No, I got it the first time, okay? He wants someone to take the blame for the massive turd shortage.
The turd crunch of 2003.
Without fresh turds, we poke our lips out and generate bucket upon bucket of chimp semen.
Semen just doesn't go as far.
Turds fly better.
They have a better aerodynamic.
They go through the wind just like an arrow, you know? Meatwad: Why ain't you got no fresh turds? We ain't -- we ain't you got -- okay, it's "have" not "got, " one.
God, are we hungry! We fling out semen to the skies, but you do not see fit to answer us! We don't have any food to make them, okay? Meatwad: You want you some food? Ol' shake over there -- he got that whole honey-baked -- Shake: Shh! Shut your mouth! - Honey-baked what? - Honey-baked turd? Shake: Don't you guys live on a huge freakin' banana? Meatwad: You're standing on it.
Shake: You want food, right? What's your point? Frylock: Look, man, see, all you got to do is pull up the peel like so.
See? Banana.
[ Laughs ] Listen to the steeply sloped forehead on this one! Did your thumbs tell you that? Have them cir-thumb-sized.
Frylock: What the hell does that mean? Your thumbs will be pulled from your hands, then played with briefly, then sniffed, then discarded then sniffed again.
I may try to bury it.
I may try to throw it.
But I don't know for sure.
I mean, why are you pressuring me? I don't know what we'll do with them.
Shake: No, wait.
Don't, don't, don't.
No, no.
I'm Jewish! That's right! I'm Jewish.
Lehayim! Ugh, he's Jewish.
Take the thumbs from everyone but the Jewish one.
[ Sniffs ] But the Jewish one smells of ham.
Shake: No, no, no, that's just my cologne.
Uh, Virginia-baked nights.
Okay, Hebrews, you may keep your thumbs.
But we may later decide to take them for some other crazy-ass reason.
We're strong, and our rage is fueled by ignorance.
Frylock: So, why did y'all send out an S.
O.
S.
in the first place? Spell much, high-knuckles? "S.
O.
S.
" spells "sauce.
" We wanted some.
Shake: I told you.
And now you will pay with your thumbs.
Frylock: Wait, wait.
Stop.
Shake: Aah! Come on, man! Frylock: You want sauce? I can get you sauce.
I got sauce all day, man.
I got sauce coming out the ying-yang.
What kind of sauce y'all want? Some bitching-hot barbecue sauce.
Frylock: All right.
Cool.
Cool.
All you got to do is let us go back to earth.
We'll buy you some.
We'll ship it back.
Ain't nothing but a thing.
But we don't have no money.
This son of a bitch is lying to us.
Frylock: No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I promise I am not.
Well, let me ponder this proposal.
Elders, come forth.
We must think.
[ Hoots ] [ Chimps hooting ] I have thought long and hard about that thing you said.
Frylock: All right.
What's your answer? Oh, you want an answer? I thought we had all day to do this.
Damn.
Shake: We have to be home by 8:00for my shows.
Then we haven't much time.
The dome! [ Chimp screeches ] One two three four turds! This is unprecedented! Frylock: What the hell does that mean? Where did he get the food to make four turds? Attack the dome! [ Chimps hooting ] Frylock: Come on, y'all.
Now's our chance.
Going somewhere? Shake: Yeah, home, asshole.
Not with me holding onto your rocket with my fingertips.
Aah! Shake: I can't believe you told 'em we're coming back here with barbecue sauce.
Did you see how they treated me? I'm never giving them anything! Frylock: I lied, Shake.
Shake: It feels good, don't it? Thank God my beautiful ham survived.
Meatwad: How come we ain't moving? What other stuff have you lied about? Frylock: Aw, hell.
Full thrusters! You'll never escape Banana Planet! - Frylock: Gimme that! - Shake: My ham! Frylock: Free ham.
There you go.
[ Yelling ] Shake: My ham! [ Chimps hooting ] Wait! Wait! Fools! Don't devour all that ham! We must plant it and harvest it for our children's children.
What kind of Banana Planet are we leaving for them? Shake: You guys know that ham doesn't grow, right? It comes from an animal.
Shut up! Can't you see we trying to masturbate? [ Rhythmic drumming ] [ Sirens wailing ]