Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Piranha Germs

[ Rhythmic drumming ] Uh-uh-uh, ooh.
Welcome to paradise.
Now, leave all your worries and other TV shows behind, baby.
It's time for "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Frylock: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Shake: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Meatwad: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" I said "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Frylock: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Shake: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" [ Rapping ] I said Master Shake, Frylock My little homey Meatwad Lotus on the beats.
Yeah, we heavy in the streets Yeah, we got the whole planet in the palm of our hands, though So give thumbs up for the "Aqua TV --" [ Evil laughter ] [ Brakes squeal ] Frylock: Well, look at you all duded up.
Where you going? Shake: A job interview.
Frylock: You? Job? Shake: Yeah, me.
Senior V.
In charge of some viral-marketing scam.
And they had four dollar signs on the end, so I know I'll be knocking down the big bucks.
Frylock: Sounds a little like a scam.
Shake: I told you it was a scam, dummy, and I'm gonna be in charge of it.
Frylock: Just don't sign anything.
Sign this and this and this and all these.
Flip them over.
Sign the back.
Stop reading them.
Sign them.
Shake: Absolutely I'll sign off on these.
And then I'm off on my vacay.
Vacay? Oh, no.
We need you to go viral right away -- get you out there pressing the flesh, working the room, shaking hands, and making friends.
Does this job sound challenging, or are you gonna get burned out like the last guy? Shake: No, no.
Not me.
I am committed to whatever the hell it is that you people do around here.
Then congratulations.
Hey, let's eat hamburgers to celebrate.
Two rare hamburgers, please.
Shake: You, uh you talking to me? The hamburger chef.
Press my intercom and order.
Shake: What? You wanted rare, right? - Rare.
- Shake: Okay, yes.
One rare hamburger, please, and I would like one medium rare.
I think you want rare.
Shake: Could I get that in medium? I think you meant rare.
Shake: For him, of course.
And for me, - I will have a medium -- - Rare.
- Shake: Medium.
- Rare.
- Shake: Medium.
- Rare.
Shake: Uh - medium.
- Rare! Rare! Rare! - You want this job, don't you?! Shake: Rare.
Uh, yeah.
Then order two rare hamburgers! - Shake: Oh, god! - Don't you say a thing.
We all have our problems and disorders.
How would you like it if I pointed out some of yours, huh? We strive to create a discrimination-free workplace, and you crapped it up, you retard! Shake: Oh, okay.
No, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
Now, go and get our hamburgers, because the hamburger chef well, he's just an eyeball.
He can't hold stuff.
And don't you say crap to him, either, 'cause he knows it.
Shake: Okay.
- Oh, god.
- Now, peel off the plastic and eat the raw meat right in front of me, using the fork from the floor.
Yeah, there you go.
You got it.
Wait a second.
Have you washed your hands? - Shake: No, of course not.
- Good, good.
Now, on to phoenix.
We're speaking at a conference.
Shake: You know, I didn't really realize I was gonna have to keep you in my carry-on luggage.
I am not buying another ticket, but I will not be stored under the seat in front of you.
Shake: Just calm down, all right? People put boogers under there.
Shake: Calm down.
I'm considered head and arms, but not one airline will recognize that.
Shake: You're drawing attention to yourself.
I don't give a damn! They shoved me through the x-ray like a pair of penny loafers.
- Shake: All right, so -- - I am a man.
Shake: Okay, so, I wrote a couple jokes to ease it into whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to talk about.
I got -- okay, a polack and a jew walk into a brothel -- That -- that sounds hilarious.
Here, dip your hand in this unpasteurized milk.
Shake: Those two races of people are always doing funny stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Grip this raw chicken.
Really ring it out.
Shake: So I thought, "why not combine them? Have them do something together.
" You bet.
Now let's work the room.
Shake hands with him.
Shake: What's up, dawg? Here we are in Phoenix again, right? - You're done.
Meet him.
- Shake: All right.
There's the guy.
- Nice to meet you, friend.
- That's enough.
High-five him, but grip them tight -- both hands.
You did it.
Move on.
Lick his face.
Moving on.
There's a woman -- 3:00.
Shake: Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
Insert your fingers deeply into her nose.
Massage the mucus membranes.
Shake: What? Look, let me just warm her up first, all right? Fine, but make it quick.
Hey, babe.
A jew and a polack walk into a computer store.
Get it? That's very funny there.
Do the deed.
Shake: Uh, let me set this up.
Funny thing -- damn it! I lost my other card.
Do the deed! Do it! Get in there! Shake: So, uh, what's upthere? [ Groans ] Go back in and french kiss that cop.
Shake: Look, I'm very unclear on our mission here.
Mission accomplished.
I think we did pretty good today.
Shake: What? What is the message exactly? I'm handling the message.
You're just marketing.
Get us a car to the airport so we can ride around in a bunch of planes.
Shake: Uh, you know what? Um, my cat has one of them - urinary tract infections.
- So? - Shake: But she's also getting married - Uh-huh.
- Shake: to my grandfather - Oh.
- Shake: who's dying.
- Mm-hmm.
Shake: and he's in my basement, - which is flooded - Oh, yeah? Shake: and I got to be there to sign for it.
Family's important.
You're in our prayers.
I understand these things happen.
Take all the time you need.
I'll see you at 5:00 this afternoon.
Shake: Damn it.
I meanthank you.
Why don't you go ahead and handle that dog turd before you leave? Frylock: How was work? Shake: It waswork.
Frylock: Yeah, man.
You've been traveling.
Did you get to see any of the city? I mean Shake: No, I was slammed.
Working the room, pressing flesh.
Meatwad: Must have been pressing it real hard.
That thing is red, man.
- Frylock: Damn.
- Shake: Oh, god.
Look what you did.
I need that.
Stick it back on.
Frylock: I can't sew this on, man.
It's -- it's completely disappearing.
Shake: I'm not a southpaw.
How am I gonna play squash now? Frylock: Aw, hell.
This bacteria looks like tiny piranha eating every damn thing in its path.
Frylock: Well, don't get it near me.
I got work.
Frylock: It came from you, dumbass! What the hell have you been doing?! Shake: You know, work stuff.
Licking eyeballs, wiping pus on children -- it's a grind, man.
Frylock: This is not a legitimate job.
He said what? This is just stress-related.
Hold the glass steady, god damn it! Shake: Sorry.
I'm working with just the one, you know? Dinged up, huh? Well, that's what we signed up for - several times.
- Shake: Yeah.
Now, you ready to spit some saliva on open sores? Shake: That's what you have us doing this week? It's only your job.
Is that okay with you?! Shake: I'm just wondering when the jack's gonna be rolling in.
Money will flow like wine on payday, but I'm concerned about your hand.
I-I don't want you shaking hands with our top clients without one, right? Shake: [ Sobbing ] You'll shake with the nub.
I want you to see our company healthcare provider.
We have excellent benefits here at bringdownthegovernment.
I knew there were some advantages to going with you guys.
Tell you what, why don't you go ahead and inject yourself with that syringe right there? - You know, I'd do it for you - Shake: Aah! Ohh! But my hands are dissolved.
From stress, right? It was stress? Yeah, Don.
From stress.
It's what happens.
That's why we make the big bucks.
Shake: Hey, wait, it's Friday? It's the weekend, right? T.
? Yeah, hump day! I'll see you in two hours.
Shake: I scored some serious sky miles.
Frylock: Man, you look terrible, Shake.
Shake: 300 more hotel points, and I can fly to Rochester.
Frylock: I think you need to quit that job.
Shake: Shh.
My manager is in this bag.
Who you talking to up there? Lick his eyeball, whoever it is.
Meatwad: Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Your bag is talking.
Frylock: Look, I isolated the bacteria, and I think I figured out a way to stop it.
But you need to put your two-weeks notice in right away.
Meatwad: And I been tee-teeing in this suit, so it can be like I'm swimming in a warm kiddie pool, 'cause we ain't got the money to join the country club.
Join every club, and lick every eyeball of the members at the club.
Frylock: Let me talk to your manager.
Shake: He looks weird, so don't say anything, 'cause otherwise, I'm gonna have to sit through a damn H.
seminar, and that involves a lot of injections for me.
What's all this bacteria talk? It's nonsense.
We provide viral marketing for business solutions, and that is all.
Frylock: I know your game, buddy, - and I know a way to stop it.
- You do? Frylock: You're damn right, I do! Where does this guy get this stuff? Speak softly.
The bacteria can hear us.
- Frylock: What? - They told my brain they would eat my mouth if I told anyone.
Frylock: Oh, my God! Help me, dear God.
Help me.
Frylock: This boils your blood, and then it bleaches it.
It is extremely painful, but it should work.
And it'll bring back my body? Shake: Yeah, probably.
He's pretty smart.
[ Both screaming ] [ Screaming continues ] Frylock: Well, there's no evidence of the bacteria.
Shake: So we're saved? Frylock: Yeah.
You're saved.
- Yeah! Hooray! All right! - Shake: Yes! Frylock: From the bacteria.
But the stuff I put inside of you is highly flammable, and it looks like it could combust at any time.
Shake: So what are you gonna put inside us to combat that, exactly? Frylock: Well, actually, it's not what I'm gonna put inside of you.
It's what I'm gonna around you.
Shake: I don't understand how this glass is gonna keep the stuff inside us from attacking us! Frylock: Yeah.
See, I don't either.
Shake: What does that mean? 'Cause, you know, I may want a second opinion.
I'm not entirely sure that you're a doc-- Meatwad: Is they frozen in there? Frylock: Yeah, until I can find a cure.
Meatwad: I'm gonna give him a Wet Willy.
Frylock: Yeah, whatever.
Knock yourself out.
Meatwad: Frylock! [ Door opens ] Meatwad: Hey, you still working on the cure, right? Frylock: Yeah, no, uh, I-I really didn't work on it today.
Meatwad: Why ain't you doing that? Frylock: 'Cause I don't feel like it, and I damn near didn't even bring any ice today! Meatwad: Why the hell you need ice in a freezer? - We in a freezer, ain't we? - Frylock: No, man.
I moved y'all to a food truck while you were sleeping and then I drove the food truck onto a cargo plane, andwell now we're on Jurassic Island.
Meatwad: Jurassic what? That's where there all the dinosaurs roaming around, looking for human popsicles! Frylock: I ain't heard about that! I'll have to check with my new friend Michael Crichton, - see if he's heard about that.
- Meatwad: All right, then.
Frylock: Aw, hell.
He's thawing out, isn't he? Look, I need to keep them ice-cold for when I find a cure.
Meatwad: Yeah, the one you ain't working on? And what's all that cool music I keep hearing? 'Cause that is a jam, son.
Frylock: It's just classic rock radio.
Meatwad: There it is again -- something I can dance to! Make me want to twerk.
Shake: [ Shivers ] Hey.
Are you awake? Are we cured? We're cured, right? - Shake: We must be.
- Ice cream, ice cream.
- Give me some ice cream! - Shake: You hear something? Meatwad: Someone giving out ice cream out there! That's what I hear! Shake: Whoo! Ice cream! Frylock: Napkins are in the truck.
Help yourself.
Ice cream! Happy birthday, twins! [ All screaming ] Shake: Freeze me! Freeze me back!