Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Spacecadeuce

[ Tap ] [ Tap ] [ Tap ] [ Tap ] [ Beeping ] Emory: [ Snoring ] [ Electricity buzzing ] [ Heart beating ] [ Heartbeat quickens ] [ Roars ] [ Scraping ] Emory: [ Snoring ] Oglethorpe: Wake up, Emory! Emory, please! Wake up! [ Air hissing ] Oglethorpe: No, not that! No! Nein, nein, nein! Nein! Nein! [ Music plays ] That was Steely Dan and -- Emory: [ Yawns ] That was amazing hypersleep.
I think I had like 30 wet dreams.
Oglethorpe: He wanted me to watch him watch me die! I watched it grow from an egg for nine [bleep] months.
I tried to jostle you awake, but nothing! You sleep like a [bleep] rock! Emory: [ Chuckles ] Hypersleep will give you some crazy dreams, man.
Oglethorpe: Look! Can you not see this trail of goo?! Emory: Ju-just calm down.
Hey, you want some coffee? Oglethorpe: Why do all the lights have to be off during hypersleep time, anyway? Why? Coffee, go! Ignignokt: Attention, Emory and Oglethorpe.
Err: Bow to us! Ignignokt: While you were hypersleeping, we conquered your race of Plutonians, and now you are our slaves.
Both: What? - Err: Bow to our knees! - Emory: Aw, man.
Ignignokt: Yes.
And as your new rulers and kings, we have a new mission for you.
Oglethorpe: Oh, no.
Err: Shush! We do the talking.
[ Gulps ] And the drinking.
Ignignokt: We have received a distress call from the U .
S.
Jon Ron Donald.
Emory: Wait, that's not the -- Ignignokt: Yes.
It is.
Wait, what were you going to say? Emory: The ship that -- that's self-aware? Oglethorpe: Oh, no! The haunted ship! - Err: It is.
- Oglethorpe: No way, man.
No.
- Ignignokt: Yes.
In a big way.
- Emory: Oh, man.
Ignignokt: We have lost all transmission from the crew of Jon Ron Donald probably because we sent them into a haunted, meat-eating ghost ship.
[ Chomping ] So, we sent a rescue crew.
Err: And you know they didn't want to go.
Ignignokt: And now they're not responding.
[ Chomping ] Err: Meat! [ Chuckles ] Ignignokt: So, then we sent a third crew -- of chimpanzees.
[ Chimpanzees chattering ] We have not heard from the monkeys in three months.
[ Chimpanzee screams ] Err: And we need those chimps back, and we want them now! Oglethorpe: Okay.
Well, good luck.
See you guys later.
Man, they have a lot to do.
I thought I had a lot to do today, but they have more.
Ignignokt: Calling back all nerds.
- Err: Nerds! - Ignignokt: You will enter the Jon Ron Donald.
- Emory: What? - Oglethorpe: Oh, no! Ignignokt: Oh, yes.
Find out what happened to our monkeys, but I must warn you the ship is alive.
- Emory: What? - Oglethorpe: Are you telling me that ship is alive?! Ignignokt: Yes.
I just said that.
Err: He just said that! Ignignokt: The bad news is the ship feeds from meat.
- Err: Meat! - Emory: Aw, man.
Oglethorpe: No.
Come on! Ignignokt: The good news is I think it's sleeping.
But it does like to eat meat.
Err: Damn straight.
Emory: Well, wait.
There -- there are two ships on the scanner.
- Err: There are? - Ignignokt: Oh, yes.
Err: Oh.
Ignignokt: The U.
S.
Jon Ron Donald is not to be confused with its twin ship, the U.
S.
Don Jon Ronald.
[ Techno music plays ] That ship is just an after-hours club.
Err: And tonight is ladies' night.
Ignignokt: Two-for-one shooter specials.
Err: Get the bitches drunk! Emory: So, wait.
Which one is the haunted, meat-eating ship, and which is just the after-hours discotheque? Oglethorpe: Yeah, which one? - Ignignokt: We forgot.
- Err: We forgot.
Ignignokt: We were gonna put a sticker on one.
We kind of just didn't.
Err: It's the hottest club in space, mofo.
Ignignokt: The Jon Ronald Jona eats meat.
The Don Ronald Jonald has an open bar and a radical jukebox.
Err: [ Beatboxing ] [ Laughs ] Oglethorpe: Well, which one Ron Jonal and which one is Don Ronald Jonald? They look the same to me.
Ignignokt: I know, right? Err: Plus the meat-eating ship likes to mess with your mind and makes you think it's the good ship.
But it ain't.
Ignignokt: It fooled our best and brightest.
Emory: Okay.
Fine.
But which one is which again? Ignignokt: What did we say before? Err: I don't know.
Ignignokt: It doesn't matter.
Err: You do what we said before! Oglethorpe: Which one is Jon Ronald Jon?! Ignignokt: Well, someone didn't get his hypersleep, Err.
Err: Grumpy.
Oglethorpe: What if we refuse? Ignignokt: Then you will pay the price of refusal which comes at an enormous cost.
Oglethorpe: [ Crying ] Ignignokt: Cry.
Cry.
The saline from your tear ducts energizes my ego.
You will enter the meat-eating ship and find out what happened to my chimps.
Emory: But how do we enter? Err: All you got to do is walk up to that door, and you see the doorbell and just mash it again and again and again and again and again and again and again! Man, I'm drunk.
Ignignokt: But beware.
You will go mad inside.
You will see things that aren't real.
And the real things you something.
- It's cray-cray.
- Err: Cray-cray! Ignignokt: Transmission out.
Oglethorpe: Son of a bitch.
I told you we should have written the names down.
Jon something.
Emory: It doesn't matter.
Look.
Oglethorpe: "Come inside.
It's safe.
" Emory: But look at this one.
"Don't believe that other ship.
This is the safe ship.
" What -- what do you think? Oglethorpe: Okay.
How about we split up? You go in the ship and see what's up.
Meanwhile, I stay out here and guard space.
See, I have the bigger job.
Emory: Okay, which ship? Oglethorpe: The safe one, dumbkoff! Just ring the doorbell.
Ring it again and again and again.
You're the guest.
[ Door hisses ] Emory, no! The ship is alive! Get out of there! Emory: Check it out.
There's a free jukebox.
Oglethorpe: Free jukebox?! Let me in there! I love music! I like this bar.
But there is an awful lot of monkey meat hanging from the rafters.
Emory: [ Grunts ] I thought those were, like, piĂąatas.
Oglethorpe: Yes, kids love to beat on piĂąatas so they can gather the monkey organs at the happy birthday party.
Err: Hey, did you see the fangs? Oglethorpe: The ship has fangs? Ignignokt: That's right, yes.
The other one doesn't have fangs.
You should've looked for the fangs.
Err: Aha! The fangs! Emory: Damn it.
We should've looked for those fangs, man.
Oglethorpe: Come on.
I get psyched out.
Ignignokt: Listen, there's still a way out.
But whatever you do, do not wake the meat-eating ship.
[ Rock music plays ] Emory: Ah, the free jukebox.
Ignignokt: The jukebox - is a trap.
- Emory: This is my song.
- Ignignokt: Shut off the jukebox.
Emory: This is the one I picked.
Oglethorpe: Stop the jukebox, Emory! Ignignokt: Yelling will also wake the ship.
[ Music stops ] Emory: Oh, thank god.
[ Music resumes ] Oglethorpe: Are you telling me this jukebox is alive? Ignignokt: I'm -- I'm not sure.
Let me call you back.
Oglethorpe: Wait! Don't hang up! [ Telephone rings ] Err: They're gonna keep calling, man.
They know our number.
You gave it to them.
Ignignokt: So they have a living jukebox in there.
Err: I don't know, man.
Do we even really need this ship or this crew or the monkeys? Ignignokt: Not really.
Just kind of cool to have.
Err: Yeah, but, I mean, is it worth it? Ignignokt: No, but we have nothing to do.
[ Telephone rings ] Err: That's them calling.
Ignignokt: Hang up on their spiky asses.
[ Ringing stops ] Err: Uh-oh.
[ Imitates explosion ] [ Dial tone ] Oglethorpe: We've lost the transmission.
Damn solar flares! Emory: No, they're just not picking up.
Meat-eating will commence in t-minus one minute and counting.
Emory: No, we've got to get out of here.
Oglethorpe: It's counting way too fast! Ignignokt: 35, 34, 24 Oglethorpe: If it eats meat, it must poop out! We must find the anus! Emory: Hey, there it is.
Oglethorpe: Behold the anus! Emory: I guess you could massage it open.
Oglethorp y massage it open! Emory: Fine.
We'll both do it.
Oglethorpe: You just have better fingers.
- Oglethorpe.
- Oglethorpe: Dad! What are you doing massaging a space anus? Oglethorpe: Nothing.
I didn't do anything.
I clearly saw you massaging the space anus.
I'm telling your mother.
Oglethorpe: Daddy, we're trapped inside the Ron Jonald Dona -- the meat-eating ship.
Oglethorpe, there is no such thing.
Come back home for dinner right now.
Oglethorpe: Wait.
How are you alive? You were defeated and enslaved.
Who told you that? Oglethorpe: No -- no one.
I bet it was those kids from Juvie -- those Mooninites.
- Oglethorpe: No.
- Is Emory with you? Emory: Tell him I'm not here.
I'm not here.
Oglethorpe: He says he isn't here.
His parents said he spent the night over here, and you said he spent the night over there.
You did the old switcheroo, didn't you? Oglethorpe: So, um, this ship is not meat-eating? No! It's a food truck for "Planet Of The Apes.
" You'd better get your ass home warp-speed now, or I'm throwing out every last one of those coloring books.
Oglethorpe: Oh, man.
My dad's pissed off.
What's that sound? What is that jostling?! Ignignokt: That's right.
You have entered the Johnson of Jon Ron Donson.
Oglethorpe: Are you telling me these ships are lovers?! Ignignokt: There is no exit from this anus.
Because they have come out, you will not get out.
Oglethorpe: No! Ignignokt: Oh, yes.
They are in a committed monogamous relationship.
Err: Hey, man.
It's 3:00, dude.
We got to go.
Ignignokt: Yes, that's right.
"Event horizon" with Laurence Fishburne is airing at 3:00, and I have never seen it.
[ Rock music plays ]