Archer Episode Scripts

N/A - Archer Dreamland: Gramercy, Halberd!

1 (dramatic music) So, uh, what're we How the hell are you walking around? I'm sorry.
Should I not be? (chuckles) (chuckles) Are you Wait, are you kidding, or Archer! Archer, you shut your mouth! - Because seriously, if you're not - Archer! You need to go rustle up a dime and call Robert Goddamn Ripley.
Wait a minute! I know that voice So you're saying when I drive this truck out of here, you'd prefer I drove over your head, not your ankles.
Wait, what? No, no.
No, I meant I know what you meant.
BARRY: Agh! Ow! You! You turned me into a freak! (chuckling) I think you might be confusing me with your personal shopper.
- My what? - (chuckling) What're you wearing? You look like (grunts) Ugh! Ya like that? Archer? (groans) No.
'Cause that's the best you're gonna feel for the rest of your short life! And as for you, Poovey Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop! What, you don't want Figgis and ol' Lenny here to know you were You're under arrest, Dutch! You have the right to remain silent! - (cocks gun) - Or get shot in the face! Go nuts.
(sighs) Your funeral.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no (gunshots) - Oww! - Son of a - No, no, no, no - Stop it! - Ow! - I mean (laughing) You know the definition of insanity? You! You're the definition! You! Uh, that was rhetorical, shitheel! The definition of insanity is - Suppressing fire! - (gunshots) - Oww! - What'd ya, eat a buncha magnets? Seriously.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
- (Figgis whimpers) - Oh, for That's the ransom money! - The what? - And my bag! Which, again, was a gift! Aargh! Isn't that right, Trexler? Trexler? Archer! Agh! We gotta, we gotta, gotta get out, we gotta get out, we gotta get out, we He's gonna, he's gonna, we gotta You're not a vegetarian, are you? we gotta, we gotta, we What? Ngh! - Snap out of it.
- Ow, Jesus, that hurt.
- (chuckles) Right? - Ow! Come on, I snapped already! I know.
I know.
That one was just for me.
(opening theme plays) Ow! And that one was for the Chinese ladies.
Yeah, so about that BARRY: Trexler! - You were saying? - Uh, never mind! You gotta get me outta here! You saw him, he's invincible! But how? He's like He's a goddamn robot! Aah! At the risk of another meatslap, you're kind of an asshole.
Woooooo! (grunts, laughs) (grunts) (laughs) Oh, man.
Huh.
Ngh! Jesus Christ! - He ain't gonna help you! - LANA: Grab the gimp.
Hang on, lemme try something.
We tried that! Grab the gimp! Woooo! Yeah! - Now go, go, go! - Oh! (laughs) BARRY: Aren't ya gonna stay for supper? - I don't think I could eat.
- Will that hold him? It's three inches of solid Oh shit! - Damn! - You see.
(Barry laughs) What the Jesus! He's some kinda robot! (Barry laughs) Oh, I'll say.
- Yikes! - Ah-haa! Ha-haa! BARRY: Um - I mean - BARRY: Oops! (goofy, maniacal giggling) Go! Go! What do you mean, a robot? I mean, I know a guy who knows a guy, who knows a guy who knows a - Guy? - Nazi scientist - What? - Former! I guess.
I don't know.
Anyway, the guy is a bona fide mad scientist.
(thunderclap) (long, building, maniacal laugh) Ahem.
Or is that just affected and weird? And you're telling me this crazy Nazi can turn people into robots? Yes! With metal bones! Motor oil for blood! Like the, the Tin Man! - Okay, A, the Tin Man's not a robot - The Tin Man is a A magical being! Like a leprechaun, Pinocchio, an enchanted nutcracker.
Whatever! He doesn't have a heart! Just like that sick bastard out there! He killed my guys! (sniffles) Mike.
- Fat Mike.
- Aw! It's all your fault! - What? - You're the one who crushed his goddamn ankles! Uh, rescuing innocent women from a lifetime of sexual slavery! - Like a meddling asshole! - Wh? But, uh, get me out of here alive, and the ransom money, we'll call it even, okay? - Uh, we're way more than even.
- Wh? How do you figure? Because your final thought on this earth wasn't about how my gun tasted.
Fair enough.
Right.
Okay, how's my face look? It's good.
How's it feel? - Hmm.
Honestly, not that bad.
- What's that, codeine? Yeah, mixed with some dexedrine.
(chuckling) "The Adventures of Dex and Cody.
" Let me ask you, should you be doing that? (mocking voice) "Should you be doing that?" Actually no, probably not.
Come on, move it! What're you, hourly? I mean Is it just me, or is it cold? - It's you.
- Well, your shock.
Just checking.
He needs a hospital! - No shit.
- Easy! - Well? - I think I own one.
That's great.
Where are your keys? Applejack drove - What? - What.
Keys, idiot! Mmm Eww! Son of a I'm priapic! From the shock! Shock doesn't cause priapisms! - Sickle-cell anemia? - No.
Then I can only assume I was bitten by a Brazilian wandering spider.
- Ew! - Ow! I bet they fell out in the house.
Oh, dammit! Can you hotwire it? Why're you asking me? Because you know all that shit about putting breakfast in the radiator! - What? - For a leak.
Potatoes, an egg That's pretty common knowledge.
- No, it's not.
- Also pepper.
- Can you hotwire it? - No.
CYRIL: Nobody can.
Because it's English and it's stupid, with a bunch of stupid English wires.
(annoyed sigh) (annoyed sigh) I don't have time for this shit! Not if that crazy Kraut was on the level about that Factor-K shit.
And also I've lost track of time! (crash) - What was that? - (crash) Sounds like somebody's smashing up all your shit.
With a halberd.
BARRY: Woooooooo! Yeah.
Can't have anything nice.
- That halberd was pretty nice.
- (crash) Yeah, was.
And why are we going up? (grunts) - Something's not right.
- CHERYL: I'll say.
I didn't think it was possible, but somehow being kidnapped is even more boring than my mother's funeral.
I meant with Archer and the ransom! - Still, though.
- Mr.
Zerk.
Rgh? If the wheels end up coming off this thing, obviously I'll need you to tie up all the remaining loose ends.
(sighs) (blows raspberry) I wonder what could've gone wrong.
(grunts) Son of a bitch.
Is the parking brake off? - Oh.
- Goddammit.
- Sorry.
- Will you hurry up? He's not lookin' too good! You're lookin' real good.
(groans) But try that hard-on shit with me, I'll kick your dick off your body.
Ahem.
Fair enough.
(grunting) Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Oh, shut up, you were gonna ditch me! - Yeah, and it woulda served you right! - How? Oh, don't play dumb with me! That crazy robot was just about to finger you for stealing Trexler's whores! - Wait, what? - Finger who? Ow! That was Archer! What the hell would I want with a buncha Chinese broads? (long inhale) (long exhale) (sniffles) Okay, okay.
Jeez.
Knock it off! Maybe they got us some new diapers.
(gurgles) (inhales, sighs) Ya know? I wasn't implying you kept them.
Wait, hang on, did you Are we gonna stand here all night yanking our goddamn - genitals? - Yes, where did we land on that? - Ugh! - Hey, my keys! I mean Right? What are the odds? Because, asshole, if we hadn't gone upstairs we wouldn't be whatever! - Shinnying.
- Exactly! Exactly.
And this is the last place - he'd ever think to look for us, so - BARRY: Hey, guys! - Wha? - (gasps) (cackles) Oh, wow! BOTH: Oh, shit! (both grunt) And you're sure you can drive a stick? (imitates Groucho Marx): As long as I can find the manual! (weak laugh) - Hospital! - Okay, jeez, I'm going! (imitates Marx): Guess I better not stall.
(weak laugh) Uh, this is a cigar.
Go! And since Archer was kind enough to leave his keys in the ignition get in! - Umm - We'll just take my car.
No, actually, you'll come with me! - To where? - What? My headquarters! What, like some drag club? For the I'm not a transvestite! I'm a treasury agent! BOTH: What? And you two are under arrest.
BOTH: What? Kidnapping, conspiracy to commit kidnapping, grand larceny oh, and while we're on the subject, I'll go ahead and take the ransom money.
Well, you say that Hey, whoa, whoa! Well.
Looks like we've got ourselves a Mexican standoff.
Oh, does it now? - Yes.
- Poovey! Oh, right.
Wh? Not at me, you idiot! At her! Yeah, she doesn't have the money.
Oh, you have got to be kidding! - Poovey, put the gun down.
- Right? BOTH: Shut up.
Listen to me, you testify against him, the judge'll go easy on you, and you're out in like20 years! - What? - I meant months! Nice try, Elliot Mess! Now hand over the dough, Figgis.
(Archer and Trexler yelling) - What the? - Whatever this is we don't have time for it! Excuse me! I am effecting an arrest! Great, while you're at it arrest him! Who? (roars) (grunts) (engine starts) (chuckling) If for nothing else, that outfit.
(giggling) Now where do you think you're going? Nowhere, apparently! - Will you get the hell off me? - I should drive! - Why should you possibly drive? - Why should you drive? Because A, it's my car, and B, you're a woman! Hopefully.
Now move! (grunts) - Whoa! - Nice! - Holy shit! - Right? Actually (all exclaiming) Um (grunts) (all exclaim) (chuckles) Eat a dick, Gort.
- (thud) - What the Oh, come on.
Oh, damn it! Hey, we should go to a drive-in! Whoa! - What? - Whoa! (laughing) For the love of God, man, do something! (Barry laughing) Yeah.
Oh, damn it! Whoa! - Hang on - BARRY: I am! Not you! Idiot.
Whoa! (grunts) Woooooo!! BARRY: Archer! Ha ha! Holy shit! - Did you see that? - Yeah.
Yes, hurray, and now can you drive us all to the federal building downtown.
Uh, okay.
And why would I do that? Uh, because you're all under arrest.
- Oh, yeah, what was up with that? - She's a T-man! Okay, but I'm almost positive that's, you know, like an insulting term, for For the last time! I am not a transvestite! Well, probably not the last time, but - I am a treasury agent! - What? And, again, you are all under arrest! How is that so goddamn funny? Oh, my God because That! Oh, yeah? Well, how about that? Yeah! That's what I thought! (weary sigh) Not that, dummy (motorcycle engine revs) - That.
- LANA: Seriously? He is immortal! I'm starting to think you guys don't wanna hang out! Can somebody Suppressing fire! (gun clicking) Wait, were those blanks? Jesus Christ, Figgis, you couldn't suppress a cough! Yes, I could! I I apologize, I stand corrected.
Ow! Goddammit, woman! Do you have any idea how bad that is Ow! (Barry laughs) I swear to God, if I have to stop this car Good idea! Here, lemme give you a hand with that! Woooooooo! Jesus! Can somebody, please, shoot him? - Um - Goddammit.
- I'm out.
- Yep.
- I obviously am.
- Me too.
Oh, my God.
Okay, take the wheel! - Take the what? - The wheel! And put your foot on the gas! I'm gonna jump on the bike! (laughing) Yeah! - No, you're not! - Yes, I am! Big man! Feelin' froggy! - Dammit! - Drive the car, you asshole! - I can do it! - No, you can't! It's, like, my signature move! And here I thought your signature move was blowing your load all over a woman's dress during foreplay! - Wow.
- Right? - BARRY: Totally.
- (chuckles) I mean, would you not just die? Okay, you know what? - Whoa! - Archer! What the Yeah, laugh it up laughers! And since you like jokes so goddamn much No, no, no, no, no, no No! (grunts) - Whoa.
- (giggles) Whoa! ARCHER: (giggles) Jorge did you hear the one about - Oh, my God! - (tires screech) - Archer, wait! - Or the one about Jesus Christ! - Archer! - Or, here's one! Knock knock! Who's there? Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow Typical! Typical! Typical! Typical! Typical! What could possibly have been typical about that? - Me! I always do shit like this! - Like what? All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse, and the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole and I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses and trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by goddamn robots! I mean, (bleep) halberds, Jesus Christ.
Wait, wait, wait, what was that? - Halberds! - No, no, no, no, did you You said your partner's name was Woodhouse? Yeah, why? Woodhouse, the dope-fiend detective.
What You Yes! Why? Because, and I'm sorry kid, I don't know how to break this to you, but But what? Mother killed Woodhouse.
What?