Are You Being Served? (1972) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Clock

0 are you being served? the clock - can i help you, sir? - oh, yes! would you show me some sports jackets, please? i won’t personally, sir.
but i’ll summon our senior assistant to attend to your wishes.
grainger, are you free? yes, i’m free.
that is a guard’s tie you’re wearing, isn’t it? no, it’s the tesco table tennis club, actually.
table tennis? yes, the stripe is a little narrower.
yes, captain peacock? something in the sports jacket line for this customer, with plenty of room under the arms.
yes, i would think a 44, wouldn’t you, mr.
humphries? certainly, mr.
a 44, don’t you think so, mr.
lucas? i hope so.
we haven’t got anything bigger.
i wouldn’t recommend a check, sir, it is apt to make the figure a little more portly.
don’t you agree, mr.
humphries? we’ve only got checks in 44.
well, of course, sir, you have got the height to carry it off.
- 44 check, mr.
- 44 check coming up, mr.
this range is in pushcon, isn’t it, mr.
humphries? right first time, mr.
35% wool, 35% pushcon.
that only makes 70%.
yes, well, there’s a lot of air between the fibers.
it allows the fabric to breathe.
isn’t that right, mr.
lucas? quite right, mr.
if you listen quietly, you can hear it.
thank you, mr.
we’ve got a whole cupboardful over there, panting for breath.
the mirror, mr.
one mirror, coming up, mr.
what do you think, mr.
humphries? it’s nice and snug in the front.
- yes, very snug, indeed.
- why don’t you have a look at the back? i’m sure the back is snug as well.
it does feel a little tight.
try breathing in and out a little, sir.
that’s better, isn’t it? yes, that feels much better.
is it hard-wearing? oh, very hard-wearing, sir.
they discovered pushcon while they were developing the concorde.
if you’re thinking of going through the sound barrier you couldn’t have chosen better.
- how much is it? - it’s 30, including v.
that does seem rather a lot.
when you consider it cost 500 million to develop, it’s reasonable, sir.
still seems an awful lot of money.
actually, sir, it has been reduced from 42.
- oh, is that so? - you’re saving 12, sir.
i’ll think about it.
i’ll take it.
- sale, mr.
- book, mr.
well done, mr.
miss brahms! the bridal veil with the blue orange blossoms.
- yes, mrs.
- where is madam going for her honeymoon? we’re torn between eastbourne and brighton.
it is difficult to make up one’s mind, isn’t it? it is.
why not compromise and try beachy head? there.
how’s that? it’s a bit thick, isn’t it? it looks lovely from our side.
i can’t see.
you’ll have someone holding your arm.
he won’t recognize me.
he’ll know your voice, won’t he? think of the surprise he’s gonna get when he lifts it up.
that’ll do, miss brahms.
the orange blossom is detachable, should madam wish to use it for decorative purposes afterwards.
i suppose i’d better take it.
- pack it up, miss brahms.
- i’ve not said anything.
- pack the veil up, girl.
- sorry.
is that the way you usually attract a lady’s attention, mr.
mash? no, usually i go up behind them and gowe-hey-hey! you going to old grainger’s farewell dinner tonight? it is not his farewell dinner tonight, mr.
just because he’s 65, it doesn’t mean he’s retiring.
if they give him a cuckoo clock, it does.
that’s what they did to fredricks in hardware.
44 years he’d been with the firm.
they had the dinner and when they got to the coffee, they gave him the clock, one chorus of “for he’s a jolly good fellow,” and shoved him in the lift.
here you are, six pairs of tights, and six pairs of “pussy boots.
” - six pairs of what? - pussy boots.
fur slippers.
and we’ve got a new sales gimmick, as well, for them.
look at that.
whatever’s that? one electric pussy.
battery operated.
pussy boots, pussy boots.
how could anyone do that to a cat? you want to thank your lucky stars, mate, you ain’t selling elephant hide luggage.
i’ve a good mind to write to the r.
you’re a bit late.
it’s dead.
captain peacock, just look what they’ve sent me.
it’s disgusting.
- would you like to see it working, captain? - very well.
you must admit… it’s a novelty, mrs.
mash? mr.
mash? take it to the vet.
very amusing, captain, very amusing.
slocombe, mr.
grainger has gone to his coffee break.
this would be a good opportunity to discuss his birthday dinner.
oh, yes.
miss brahms, come along.
humphries, are you free? yes, i’m free, captain peacock.
lucas, are you free? - i think i am free at this precise moment, captain peacock.
- gather round.
i’ve had a word with the canteen manager.
it would seem the most economical way of staging this function is to hold the dinner down here.
oh, poor mr.
can’t we give him a proper do in the restaurant upstairs? that would cost us an extra 1 per head.
let’s have it down here.
let’s have it at the scene of his triumphs.
the menu would be as follows: vegetable soup or hors d’oeuvres.
that’s a sardine on a bit of tired lettuce.
and the russian salad, mr.
i’d forgotten the russian salad, captain peacock.
i shall never forget the russian salad.
a main course, which i shall bring up later.
won’t we all.
cabinet pudding with custard, or simulated cream; coffee ad lib, and one “after eight” mint.
and how much is that lot? the cost, miss brahms, depends on what we choose as a main course.
roast pheasant would be 2 per head, poulet roti– you what? roast chicken 1.
50, steak pie 1.
25, or macaroni cheese 1.
i vote for macaroni cheese.
we can’t give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese.
he’d prefer it.
once he gets those teeth of his in a pheasant, he’d be here all night.
if we have the canteen steak pie, we’ll all be here all night.
i’ll go for the macaroni cheese, myself.
i think we should give him the chicken.
- any other votes for chicken? - i’ll vote for the chicken.
it goes so well with cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
i favor chicken myself, so that’s… three votes for chicken and two for macaroni cheese.
and the steak pie loses its deposit.
so that means we have chicken.
that will be 1.
50 per head.
never mind, shirley, you and me can share the wishbone.
i know what you’re going to wish for.
even if he wins, he won’t get it.
the 1.
50, of course, does include mr.
grainger and his good lady wife.
is anybody else bringing any guests? - no.
- no, i think it’s better to keep it intimate.
- we’re not adverse to a little intimacy, are we? - no, mr.
we could invite “the galloping gourmet.
” if he took one look at that menu, he’d gallop the other way.
thank you, mr.
now, as regards to dress, i think… black tie.
what? nothing else? then it’ll be like a funeral.
i think it’s morbid, these farewell dinners.
miss brahms, we do not know that it is a farewell dinner.
that’s up to our manager, mr.
it’s only a farewell dinner if you get a cuckoo clock then you drag yourself home for the last time, stick it on the mantelpiece, and watch the rest of your life tick away.
the way old grainger was staggering around this morning, they could save money and give him an egg timer.
thank you, mr.
back to your places, everyone.
did i miss something? no, no, no, mr.
we were just discussing the menu for your dinner.
oh, yes.
i do hope we’re not going to have steak pie.
i’m traveling home on a non-corridor train.
- chicken, actually.
- good.
i remember mr.
fredricks had the chicken, but unfortunately, he also had the cuckoo clock.
i’m sure that grace brothers will require your services for many years.
is that official, stephen? no, ernest, no.
it’s not in my hands.
that’s up to our manager, mr.
are you free, mr.
grainger? yes, i’m free.
you’re wanted in mr.
rumbold’s office.
oh, i wonder what that’s about? it’s probably nothing to do with that at all, ernest.
whatever will be, will be.
i’ve had very many happy years here.
you know very well that if grace brothers were going to announce your retirement, young mr.
grace would attend the dinner personally.
isn’t he coming? off the record, i have not been so informed.
oh, good.
i understood that you wanted to see me, sir.
did i? ah, yes, it’s about young mr.
oh, yes? he won’t be attending your dinner tonight.
oh, good.
unfortunately, he has a very bad cold.
oh, you mean, if he hadn’t got a cold, he would be there? well, when someone has been here as long as you have, mr.
how long is it now? i joined grace brothers in 1937, on the day that mr.
baldwin resigned.
resigned from grace brothers? no, he handed over to mr.
ah, chamberlain of china and glass.
the prime minister.
he wasn’t at grace brothers, was he? the mr.
chamberlain who went to munich.
i didn’t know we had a branch there.
we haven’t.
he went to see hitler.
what? mr.
chamberlain of china and glass? i have been at grace brothers for 37 years.
i’m looking forward to your dinner.
we’re having the chicken.
oh, good, good.
fredricks had the steak pie.
no, he had the chicken too.
but unfortunately he had the cuckoo clock as well.
oh, yes, the cuckoo clock.
that will be all, mr.
thank you, mr.
did i hear something ticking? ticking? no, no, no.
i don’t think so.
it must have been… the pipes of the central heating system expanding.
grainger, whatever’s the matter? you look as if you’ve seen a ghost.
i’ve heard the cuckoo in mr.
rumbold’s office.
3rd of march? you’d better write a letter tothe times.
it was a cuckoo clock.
- glass of water for mr.
- glass of water coming up.
i hope someone turns up soon.
these bubbles is all drying up.
remember, mr.
mash, only one glass each.
yeah, we don’t want them losing control, do we, eh? mr.
james lucas and mr.
wilberforce clayborn humphries.
- hello, wilberforce.
- hello, james.
that’ll do, mr.
so sorry we’re late, your grace.
but we stopped off at the oklahoma pancake house for a cup of cocoa and a danish pastry.
the excitement was all too much.
there was a lovely bit of danish crumpet in there, but once she heard that we were going to our anniversary dinner, she went off me.
oh, champagne! dom perignon? no, japanese tinned, extra dry.
the bubbles don’t go up your nose, they give you karate chops.
miss shirley brahms and the duchess of slocombe.
- drinks, ladies.
- why not? i think you’ve had enough.
are you suggesting, miss brahms, that four vodka martinis are beyond my capacity? one of these days, that escalator is going to do somebody a mischief.
you know what they say about vodka, mrs.
“one’s all right.
two’s the most, three under the table, four under the host.
” mr.
humphries, what will you say next? mr.
rumbold’s the host.
captain stephen peacock r.
, c.
of e.
, hero of the battle of cattericknaafi, holder of the hot cross bun and bar– that will do, mr.
- here you are, captain.
- thank you.
hey, take it easy.
we ain’t got no reserves.
the group are coming up in the other lift.
good, who’ve we got? the new seekers? i don’t think it’s the new seekers, love, more like the old knockers.
good evening, i am madam trixie, and this is the trixie trio.
welcome to grace brothers.
oh, champagne.
the beer for the band is behind the piano.
where do you want the orchestra? oh, well, over here ladies, i think.
by the pianoforte.
well, captain peacock, it looks as though we’re going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
i beg your pardon? she wants you to rip her tight elastic.
perhaps you’d better sit down, mrs.
we’re starting in less than an hour.
rumbold, sir, since it will affect my speech, is mr.
grainger going to get the clock? yes, i’m afraid so.
owing to young mr.
grace’s indisposition, i’m going to have to present it.
oh, what a pity he’s going.
he’s such a useful member of the department.
oh, we shall have to carry on.
humphries will have to move up, and we shall have to get another mr.
what a terrible thought.
- who is? - mr.
that poor old devil.
grainger for the chop.
oh, it’ll break his heart.
is there anything particular you wish us to play? oh, yes, when mr.
grainger comes down, i should like you to play something suitable.
- certainly.
- how about “goodbye”? that’s a bit sudden, isn’t it? what about, “we don’t want to lose you, but we think you ought to go”? we ought to have something cheerful, like the rolling stones.
yeah– this will be the last time– i suggest… “a fine, old english gentleman.
” splendid choice, sir.
stand by, i think mr.
grainger’s coming up in the lift.
places, everybody.
- mrs.
slocombe, we’re starting.
- stand by, orchestra.
elsie makepeace and doris poland.
doris, it must be “this is your life.
” ta.
what are you doing here? it’s half past 7:00.
we’ve come to do the floor.
you can’t do them now.
go away.
if that’s how you feel, do it yourself.
you’ll hear from mr.
heatherington about this.
didn’t you speak to heatherington about this? it’s not my province, sir.
lingerie, blouses.
and mrs.
grainger are coming up in the lift.
places, everybody.
and mrs.
ernest grainger.
and mrs.
grainger, in the name of grace brothers, welcome to your anniversary dinner.
thank you.
they’ve got an orchestra.
fredricks didn’t have an orchestra.
perhaps we’ll be able to do the gay gordons.
that should round the evening off nicely.
my lords, ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the tinned vegetable soup.
- shall we go in, mr.
humphries? - right.
light as ever on your feet, my dear.
they’ve certainly given us a night to remember.
they certainly have.
i’m very glad we didn’t have the steak.
if you’re going to dance with your hand down there i’m going to sit down.
you’ve got plenty to sit on.
that’s my best feature.
nearly went.
strange how potent cheap music is.
humphries, you and i appear to be the only two not dancing.
all right, if you promise not to lead.
i think we’d better get on with the speeches.
mash, my compliments to the trio.
will you ask them to take an interval? certainly, sir.
jug-ears says belt up for five minutes.
all right? i’m really rather puffed.
it’s just as well that i’m going to put my feet up.
pray, be seated.
come on, shirley.
the judge is going to pronounce sentence.
- mrs.
- have we stopped? i would ask all those present to ensure that their glasses are fully charged.
mine seems to be empty.
blimey, mrs.
slocombe, you got hollow legs, have you? i now call upon captain peacock to propose the toast.
- mr.
and mrs.
grainger, ladies and gentlemen, - hear, hear! we haven’t got to that bit yet, mrs.
i’d better have another then.
“how can one sum up a career like mr.
grainger’s?” quickly, i hope.
“he started– literally on the ground floor, in haberdashery, and after two short years, was given his own counter in stationery.
already thewriting was on the wall.
it spelled “success.
” his– his amazing drive and enthusiasm soon came to the notice of the board of management, and he was transferred to bathroom furniture, where he remained for five triumphant years, - before moving on–” - flushed with success.
“before moving on to gentlemen’s shoes.
but already, one might say, his foot was on the ladder.
” thank you.
“because from there, fortunately for us, and grace brothers, he finally found his niche in gentlemen’s trousers.
” - what’s aniche? - i don’t think i’ve seen one.
“i would like you now to raise your glasses as i close on these words from pope, ‘oh, happy the man whose wish and care a few paternal acres bound, content to breathe his native air in his own ground.
’” very nice, very nice.
pity he lives in a flat in eltham.
/nincs szÃveg/ i ask you all to be upstanding.
i give you mr.
grainger, coupled with mrs.
grainger coupled with mrs.
- mr.
grainger… - speech! speech! speech, speech! ladies and gentlemen… come along, mr.
dear friends, my heart is very full– my glass-ss is ver-rry empty.
the great honor which you have done mrs.
grainger and myself in giving us this wonderful banquet tonight with the chicken, and all these magnificent presents especially this… combined shoehorn and backscratcher.
you know, as i look back over the years, they all seem to have passed very quickly, but i shall always have very happy recollections of you all.
and all that i can really say now is.
thank you.
oh, isn’t it sad? it is sad.
thank you.
please keep it.
pray, silence for mr.
thank you, mr.
ladies and gentlemen, mr.
and mrs.
grainger, as you know, it has always been the custom for young mr.
grace to announce whether or not he wishes employees who achieve the age of 65 to take advantage of the pension scheme, or to remain in the saddle.
as you also know, young mr.
grace is indisposed.
it therefore falls to my lot to perform the ceremony– it’s young mr.
is that young mr.
grace? old mr.
grace doesn’t get about much.
good evening, mr.
- i hope i’m not too late.
- you’re not too late, mr.
there’s still plenty of cabinet pudding left, mr.
i suppose he’s come to hand over the clock.
yes, just in time.
- shall i continue, mr.
grace? - please do, mr.
well, i was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration you have always shown for all those with whom you have worked.
thank you.
thank you.
we feel– we definitely feel after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest.
and therefore all that remains, is for this to be presented.
here you are, sir.
oh, thank you.
this is a surprise.
how very nice of you all.
i’ve given a lot of these away, but i’ve never got one.
my doctor says i shouldn’t be out, so i’m now going.
another five years, and you’ll be getting one of those, ernest.
- well, goodbye, all.
- goodbye, mr.
you’ve all done very well.
thank you, mr.
well, ernest, it looks as if you’re staying on.
yes, it does.
of course, i’m very happy about it, but i should have liked a bit more leisure.
- could i have monday off? - certainly not! if he’s not leaving, he won’t be needing his presents.
for he’s a jolly good fellow… for he’s a jolly good fellow… and so say all of us.