Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - El Jefe

1 This is gonna hurt.
Well we had a lot of luck On Venus We always had a ball One more for Papa.
On Mars We meetin' all the groovy people Yeah.
Lookin' good.
Looking sweet! Na-huh.
We danced around With Borealice We're space truckin' 'round the stars Come on Come on Come on Let's go space truckin' Come on Come on Come on Space truckin' Remember when we did the moonshot And pony trekker led the way Don't wait up for Daddy, Eli.
We'd move to the Canaveral moonstop And everynaut would dance and sway We got music in our Solar System We're space truckin' 'round the stars Come on! Come on Come on Come on! Come on Let's go space truckin' Come on Come on Space truckin' The fireball that we rode was movin' But now we've got a new machine Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah The freaks said Man those cats can really swing We close in 10 minutes.
Well aware.
Send me down a Moscow Mule and two of whatever the lady's having.
It's rosewood.
Hand carved by Italian artisans.
You know how people always say you shouldn't put your hand in front of a speeding train? I guess Well, what those people don't know is that sometimes there's an eight year old boy, stuck on the tracks.
You saved him? In a lot of ways, he saved me.
But, yeah, I saved him from certain death 30 years ago to this day, but you know losing my clumsy, old meat hook wasn't too big of a price to pay, but I do like to honor it every year by getting blackout drunk.
Let's go space truckin' Care to join me? Come on Come on Yeah.
Yes! Come on Oh yes! Space truckin' Yeah, that's how it's done.
Oh! You like that? Huh? You like my wood? More, please! I'm getting a little winded.
Maybe we take a break, focus on me for a bit.
Just a little more? Oh yeah, okay.
Yes? Oh, yes! I'm cumming, I'm cumming We are coming for you! Ah! Jesus! What's wrong? What happened? I was so close.
It was just, uh, something happened that hasn't happened in like 30 years.
I gotta jet.
Really? Well, I could finish, but I gotta be quick.
Yeah! Yeah Yes! You like that? Oh, yes! Oh, oh! Danced around with Borealice We're space truckin' around the stars Come on Come on There you are.
What the How'd you get in there? Hey, what's the ink? It's from a French poem.
Do you know any poetry? Mm.
That shit drives me wild.
Well it ain't French, but, uh I got a little something for ya.
Check this out.
Come here.
Look at that shit.
Like that's fucked up shit.
Oh yeah.
It's inked in blood.
Here we go.
Try this piece of poetry.
It'll blow your mind.
Khanda Tranya Ver-a-ta There you go.
Me-sar-tra Me-sar-tra.
Me-stro-bean.
Me-stro-bean.
Fuck.
Neighbors report a woman screaming for her life? I was kind of expecting a shit show.
Yeah, quiet's not good either.
What's that? You take the front.
State Police.
Anyone here? Carson? John? Something's not right here.
Oh my God.
Ma'am? State Police, ma'am.
I'm going to need you to put your hands up.
You need to do what he says, lady.
Hands up, nice and slow.
What'd she say? I said Burn in hell! We know who you are! Oh! What the hell was that? I'm gonna cut you up into little pieces! Carson? Oh! Hey, don't.
Don't shoot me.
Please, Amanda I'm your friend.
I need you.
You need me? I need you to die.
Ah yeah, hi.
Uh, I came in there many years ago, and, uh, we chatted about a particular book.
It was, uh, bound in human flesh, inked in blood.
Anyway, um, I might need some help translating that.
Oh, okay, great, ah, yeah, I'll see you soon.
Thank you.
Morning, Vivian! Hey, I wonder if I can ask you a teeny favor? Some things have come up and well, I may have to leave town soon.
Oh, honey pie, that's a shame.
Any chance you could tidy up my trailer while I'm gone? No heavy lifting of course.
Just a little dusting.
Some dishes.
Oil up the hitch, make sure it's ready to go, and drain the waste water tank.
Uh anything for you, you sweet little muffin.
Really get in there, okay, conquer those clogs.
Thank you my delicious cookie.
Ah-sh.
Ah-sh.
Ah-sh.
We are near.
Your time comes again.
Watch out, you idiot! Ah, shut up! Okay, I'll just get my check and I'll be in Saginaw before nightfall.
Hey, ah, Mr.
Roper.
My dear friend Eli is sick.
So I gotta take off early.
You know, to look after him.
Any way I can pick up my check before I go? Are you really gonna use your fucking lizard as an excuse to get out of work again? I am.
Okay.
Look, you retard and I can say "retard" because my gardener is a huge one.
I know all about you.
You think you can't get fired, 'cause you have seniority? Well okay, technically you're correct, but that doesn't mean I have to help you.
So to be clear, that's a nay-no on the paycheck? You get your pay at the end of the day.
That's store policy.
Now take these light bulbs out back and don't break 'em.
Okay, Mr.
Roper.
Right away sir.
Shh.
I got this.
Oh, thanks, Pablo.
Oh, great news, I got some turkey burgers, you know we can grill, and watch a little Monday Night Raw tonight if you want? Oh, tonight's bad.
I mean actually, I just came in to get my check 'cause, uh, I may have to skip town.
What? No, you can't leave, you're like the coolest thing about this place.
That's very true, but, uh, I may have a, uh situation.
Hey, man, tell me what's up, maybe I can help you.
I wish I could, but with all due respect, your tiny brain is a lot safer without my problems inside it.
Hey, man, I seen a lot between Honduras and here.
Try me.
Honduras? You said you were from New Jersey.
Oh, did I? Uh, I am.
Ah, was from there.
Anyway, hey look, it's a terrible thing that you're leaving right now because I just, I just got my upstairs neighbor hired.
That's-that's one more person to look out for you.
You know, like, when you take your naps, or you come in late, or don't come in at all.
Well, I do love a partner in crime.
Where is he? Right there.
Right there, aisle Three.
Sweet musical Jesus, that's your friend? Oh, she's filthy, and fine.
She's very attractive, I know.
Hey, I try not to look at her like that.
That must be difficult.
It is.
She haunts my dreams just kidding.
She does though.
Well, I should say my goodbyes.
Uh Nice day, huh? I just wanted to say I'm sorry I have to leave you so soon.
I don't even know you.
And now, you never will.
Which is fine, because you really never could have had me anyway.
"Had you.
" Are you out of your mind? I know, it sounds crazy, doesn't it? I'm old, graying, 10 pounds overweight 10? Okay, 30 pounds overweight, but it doesn't matter.
At some point, the thought would have occurred to you.
Do me a favor will ya, thank your mother for me? She passed her genes down to you in all the right places.
My mother died in a car accident six months ago.
Wow.
Um, you know in the future you might wanna just say, "Sure, I'll tell her.
" 'Cause dropping a bomb like that on somebody you just met is downright rude, but you know what? You're young, you'll figure it out.
Goodbye forever, Kelly.
Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.
Okay, wait.
Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand? Your real hand! Ah! Touchy.
Morning guys.
Hey.
Morning.
Coffee? Sure.
Amanda? I can't imagine what you're going through, but you'll be back to work before you know it.
Yeah, maybe.
If I can clear an Internal Affairs homicide inquest.
Plus or minus a psych evaluation.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And when we got there, there were these people.
Are you all right? Yeah, I um, I just just thought I saw something, but I can't really, um, trust my eyes these days.
There's nothin' wrong with your eyes.
Sometimes what you think you saw, it's exactly what you saw.
Hey Williams! Bring those bulbs back here! Okay, Mr.
Roper.
Hey! Man working here! Lights on! Who's there? Who's there? Mmm Mm-hm Mm-hm Argh! Get off me! Get off me! Lil' Lori hate you! Oh You're gonna be okay.
Lil' Lori hate you.
Lil' Lori kill you! No, no, no, no, no, no! Hi.
Hey.
What the hell was that? Let me ask you somethin', Pablo.
Do you believe in the existence of evil? A force of nature capable of giving rise to all things wicked? My uncle is a shaman.
We called him El Brujo, and when I was a kid, he would say, "Pablito, fear the evil.
"The devil is always waiting in the shadows.
" Man, I always thought it was the mezcal talking, but after seeing this, I think he was right.
I'ma tell you something I've never told anyone.
30 years ago my friends and I spent the night at a cabin.
We found a book.
Necronomicon Ex-Mortis The Book of the Dead.
Certain passages were recited.
It awoke something in the woods.
Something dark evil.
It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist.
It possessed my friends.
My girlfriend Linda, she I was the only one to escape, and for the past 30 years I've been hiding out.
Now, because I screwed up, read from that book, one lousy time, evil has found me.
That's why I'm takin' off, like right now.
Catch ya on the flip-flop, good buddy.
El Brujo said somethin' else.
That only one man would rise to stand against it.
He called him "El Jefe.
" I think it's you, Ash.
You got the wrong guy.
You know what? I don't believe that, I'm coming to you live from the parking lot and neither do you! Of the Woodsman Bar, located on 9 Mile Road Woodsman Bar? That's where I was last night.
in Ferndale, Michigan, where a large sinkhole has suddenly opened up.
Public works Don't you see that it's happening all around you? You got the wrong Jefe, Chief.
Hey, come on.
You fought this thing before.
Maybe you just got to finish what you started.
You listen to me.
Whatever I was, that was a long time ago.
Let it choose somebody else now.
Me, I'm cutting out! You can't outrun evil, Ash! Watch me! Dad, Dad? Are you okay? You're-you're cutting in and out.
Something's happened, okay? What? Dad? It's okay, it's Are you okay? I- Well, I came downstairs this morning, and you know that book that your mom gave me? That God awful novel that I never got through? It was on the table, and then later, when I came downstairs after my shower, then the whole place was like smelling like, like-like pancakes.
Oh my God! Someone's there.
Jesus.
Who? She's here.
Dad, who? Who is there? Dad? Dad? Dad! She's she's at the door.
My God, she's coming inside.
Oh, God.
She's here.
Dad? Da? What did you see? My-my mother.
But she died six months ago.
I gotta get to my dad's.
Um, I'm, uh, I'm gonna take you.
Start the bike, I'm right behind you.
What are you doing? I'm leaving? No, you're not.
Shit! Hey, I got this! Hold on! Hey! Hey, get in and finish your fucking shift! Carson's shirt.
It did happen.
Hey, I said I need to get to my dad's.
What are we doin' here? We're here to see someone.
He's the only guy I think can help us.
Okay.
I just hope that he will.
Oh, this idiot? Are you kidding? He can't help with anything.
Relax, sweetheart.
I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody.
In fact, I'm just about to haul nuggies.
All right.
I'm outta here.
What is that? What the hell? Well, whatever this thing is, it's found you.
There's no more running.
Are you gonna own up to who you are or not? I guess we'll find out.
Kelly! Let her go! Hey, Ash! Do something please! Help me.
Help me, please.
Ugh! Just leave us alone! Leave us the hell alone! Are they gonna get in? Oh, they're comin' in, all right It ain't for Shabbo's dinner.
Hiyah! I need this.
Hiyaa! Mommy shoulda' taught you to knock.
Thought I could hide.
What a joke.
Who are you? You seem so different.
I told ya it would cross your mind.
Okay, but can we go to my dad's now, 'cause I think he's in some serious shit.
Sorry but your old man's gonna have to wait.
First thing I got to do is see a guy about a book.
Must be some spell I can say to undo all this.
The other first thing I got to do is some cardio, 'cause my heart is jackhammering like a quarterback on prom night.
You don't understand.
My mom was dead, and now And now, a whole lot more people will die if I don't get to the bottom of what's in this little baby.
Please.
Sorry, kiddo.
This ain't a charity.
What we're up against only understands one thing.
Vivian.
Bitch! We found you, Ash.
It is time to test the mettle of man.
We await Await what? You! No! No, no, no! No, no, no! Pablo! No, get away from her you fucking old bitch! Ash, Ash! Wake up Jefe! Ash! Oh, stop fussin', muffin, I just want to put these through your eyes.
Jefe, wake up! Ash, the chainsaw! Ash, Ash! Yo, Granny.
Hope you took your Geritol 'Cause it's time to dance! You were right.
No more runnin'.
It's good to see you, Jefe.
It's good to be back.
How does it feel? Groovy.
Come along if you care Come along if you dare Take a ride to the land Inside of your mind Beyond the seas of thought Beyond the realm of what Across the streams of hopes and dreams Where things are really not Come along if you care Come along if you dare Take a ride to the land Inside of your mind But please realize You'll probably Be surprised For it's the land Unknown to man Where fantasy is fact So if you can Please understand You might not come back