Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bait

1 30 years ago I'd found The Book of the Dead.
Now because I read from the book Me-sar-tra.
Evil has found me.
- Burn in hell.
- [Cracking] [Both screaming] - [Gasps] - She's here.
Dad? - [Gasps] - What did you see? My mother.
She died.
[Screaming] You can't outrun evil Ash! Watch me! - [Shattering] - [screaming] PABLO: Ash! [weakly] Help me.
[Grunts] [Yelling] - [Buzzing] - [maniacal laughing] [yelling] [heavy breathing] That, my friends, is how we do it.
Look, I have no idea where you learned how to kill those things, but if whatever I saw They call 'em Deadites, and I'd say it's a gift from God, but that would be giving the man upstairs a little too much credit.
This is all me, baby.
Very humble, but listen, if whatever I saw at my dad's house is a Deadite, then he's in a lot of danger.
We're way past danger.
That's why we have to get that book translated and find the phrase that'll put the lid back on all this bullshit.
Okay, well, what if we stop at Kelly's on the way to get your book looked at? - It's a win-win.
- Sorry, no can do.
Well, I can't just abandon him.
Look, I get that you wanna save your dad, but I'm tryin' to save all the dads everywhere, and the mommies and the babies.
So you'll forgive me, but I got to duct tape some big-ass bullet holes before I roll.
Wow.
[Crickets chirping] [Lights buzzing] - [Humming] - [Dog barking] [Bangs] - [Suspenseful music playing] - [Clanking] [Rustling] - [Grunting] - [Clanking continues] [Valve squeaking] [Growling] - [Engine revving] - Hey.
Kelly! Wait, please! You can't go back there alone! [Breathlessly] Shit.
Looks like your girlfriend took your bike.
I tried to get her to stop, but she wouldn't listen to me.
Yeah, I know it's not a very "PC" thing to say these days, but, uh, chicks are like that.
- Mm.
- It's just a fact.
Well, I'm shovin' off to take care of the book.
Catch you on the flip-flop.
Umm, about the book she took it.
She took it? Uh, yeah, she-she grabbed it on her way out, I guess she thinks it's gonna help her - with her mom.
- Fuck me! I can take you to her dad's.
All right, wipe your feet and get in.
[Whispers] Sweet.
[Rock and roll music playing] [Bottles clinking] So do you think Kelly's mom could have turned into a Deadite? Moms don't just come back to life.
If Kelly's old lady's walkin' around, I'm probably gonna have to cut her head off.
Oh, man.
I really don't wanna have to fight anymore of those things.
Well, for your first time, you did great.
Most folks just end up dead.
Yeah, but-but I don't- I don't wanna end up dead like most folks.
Hey, do you-you got any fighting tips? Trust me, once you get jacked in the face, it'll all click.
I can't even get my nut up to rumble unless I've had a good shot to the chin.
[Speaking softly] Oh, man.
You're like an expert.
I mean, it looks like you've taken a bunch.
I don't know about that.
I think this mug is basically mint condition.
- [Suspenseful music playing] - [Hissing] - Argh! - Oh my God! - [Roaring] - Oh my God! - [Tires screeching] - [Rock and roll music resumes] Oh my God, Mr.
Roper! I've always hated you! - [snarling] - [yelling] [Rock music continues] - [Growling] - [Grunting] - [Bottles clinking] - Oh! - [Engine revving] - [yelling] [Horn blaring] [Growling] Get off of him! [yelling] [growling] Pablo! Do something! - [grunting] - [song continues] Hey, Mr.
Roper? - [Grunts] - [bottle shattering] - Oh, shit! - [Hissing] Oh, fuck! - [Tires screeching] - [snarling] [Gasping] Fuck, Ash? I know you said that when I get hit I'd know what to do, but I just got hit, and I don't know what to do! - [Horn blaring] - [screaming] [Both screaming] - [Groaning] - [screaming] [Screaming continues] - [Tires screeching] - [grunting] [Gasping] [In deep voice] You sad, old failure, you'll never defeat evil! Yeah, thanks for the heads up.
- [Grunting] - [shattering] - [Roaring] - [splattering] [squishing] Is this what it's like to be you? Yeah, pretty much.
Never killed my boss before, so that was new.
That was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.
I thought I was dead, but then it was so cool when you said, "Thanks for the heads up.
" At first I was like, "Did he mean it like that?" And then I realized, "It's the Jefe.
" "Of course, he did.
" [chuckling] This ain't my first rodeo, kid.
Hey, do you have a-a towel or something I could borrow? Ah, bingo! Here we go.
Thanks.
[Engine revving] [Rattling] - [Crickets chirping] - [birds calling] - [Indistinct chatter] - [wind howling] - MAN: I don't know.
- [leaves crunching] You the police? A lot of death around here lately.
Yeah, more than we've ever had.
Special Agent Fisher, Michigan State Police.
It's very possible this is connected to the killings from the other night.
Do you know who who lived there? Don't know his name, but he was always a real asshole to me and my wife, and our kids, and pretty much everyone else around.
- [suspenseful music playing] - [rumbling] WOMAN: You should tell her about the girls.
Hm? The girls he brought back [indistinct whispering] MAN: Sometimes he'd even bring whores back to his trailer.
Did you hear what I said? Yeah, whores, got it.
Last one he brought back, some girl with a skanky wrist tattoo.
I heard 'em chant some weird voodoo stuff from inside that crappy trailer.
Wait.
You said, wrist tattoo? I'm pretty sure that's not the only place she had one.
Thanks for your help.
[Indistinct chatter] [Thunder rumbling] [Creaking] Well, it's cozy.
Mm-hm.
- [Windmill creaking] - [sighs] - [Wind howling] - [eerie music playing] [Speaking softly] Oh, man.
Something seems very wrong here.
It always does.
Okay, here's the plan.
- We bust in there, - Mm-hm.
We fight through the carnage, we bail with the book.
Okay, yeah.
Oh God.
What if Kelly's mom gave Kelly the evil force and then you have to cut off Kelly's head Pablo, focus up! Just stay behind me.
Let the boomstick do the talkin'.
Things get hairy, use your bottle.
Um, I don't think it's a very good weapon, Jefe.
You had to stab Roper like 50 times.
Hey, I was sharpening it for you.
Now come on, you ready?! - I'm ready! - Let's do this! - I'm feeling strong.
- Yeah! - ¡Sí, se puede! - ¡Sí, se puede! - Ah! - [Buzzing] Where's my book?! Please, please don't hurt us.
Take anything, but you will not touch my family! KELLY: My God, what are you guys doing here? [speaking softly] Oh, shit.
Hey.
Hi, Kelly, you're okay! - [Scoffs] - You-you know these men? - We're, uh, yeah.
- Um, yeah.
Um, we're-we're friends from work Man, you have a nice house.
Yeah, we were just passin' through, thought we'd stop in and say, "Hi.
" Hi.
Why are you covered in blood? Um, we hit a deer on the way up here, and when I tried to pull it outta the grill of my car, the sucker just exploded all over us, so [both laughing] We had to cut it up with my chainsaw, arm.
I'm actually a hunter, and I've never seen a deer explode.
Well, maybe you're not hunting the right deer.
Okay, uh, could you just excuse us for one second? [laughs] [Whispering] Jesus, you guys.
Look, my mom's alive.
She was living in a homeless shelter - in Ohio with amnesia, - [indistinct chatter] And then yesterday, she finally started to remember who she was.
- That's great.
- Yeah, pretty convenient timing.
Okay.
Look Ash, I know we saw some crazy shit at your trailer park, but this has nothing to do with that.
Does she look like one of those things? No, but when it comes to Evil, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Now about my book.
Sweetie, is everything okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [Clearing throat] [laughing] Um, sorry.
Um, Mom, Dad, this is my friend, Pablo.
He got me the job at Value Stop, - and, uh, this is Ash, - [buzzing] A person I never thought would be in my home.
Hi, you used to be dead, right? Ash! Honey, it's okay.
I-I don't blame you for telling people I was dead.
I might as well have been dead.
The only thing I can remember is, driving to the store in a terrible storm, and I, uh, I went over a guardrail, and then nothing for months.
Uh, they said she drowned, but they never found a body.
So, uh, we never gave up hope.
What a touching story.
Okay, well, [claps hands] You must wanna get back to your van house now.
Oh, sweetie, don't be so rude.
Maybe your friends are hungry? Oh.
Uh, dinner's already made.
Look lady, I don't know what game you're playin', but I want my book, and I want it now! Ah, we'd love to stay for dinner.
That sounds great.
Come on, Ash.
Let's tidy up.
- [Dramatic music playing] - [wind howling] - [Indistinct chatter] - Over here, please, hey - Is this the man? - [Radios squawking] Yeah, that's him.
He looks way dumber in real life, but that is very close.
Ship it.
[Sighing] Hey, can I have a look at that? Sure.
Are you the one behind all this? Amanda, what are you doing here? Give us a second.
I just thought, if there's a connection to what happened the other night, then Fisher, you were in an officer involved shooting.
You're not supposed to be anywhere near a crime scene right now.
What does it matter? [Speaking softly] It matters.
Please, for your own good.
[Sighs] Okay.
[Rain splattering] [Creaking] - [Suspenseful music playing] - [lightning crashing] Um, hey, Jefe? [sighing] Ah, hold on.
[Squishing] - Ugh.
- Gross.
Thanks.
Uh, so, forgive me but [chewing] I got a small confession.
I took your book.
You what? I hope you're shittin' me.
Well, I I knew you wouldn't help Kelly unless you thought she had it.
Oh, so you just lied to me? You know I trusted you, Pablo! I'm sorry, but at least everything is okay, and we get a free dinner.
You don't believe Mom's horseshit story, do ya? She's a Deadite, and I think Dad is too.
- Mm-mm.
- [Thunder rumbling] Her mom, she doesn't even have the crazy white eyes.
I noticed they're brown and lovely, like her daughter's.
Yeah, I remember when I was like you.
Young, dumb, full of conflicting emotions.
Look, these things are tricky.
They can disguise themselves as human and just when you're comfortable, boom! - [Lightning crashing] - [yells] [Wind howling] It's just a storm, Pablito.
Look, Ash, I think you're being really paranoid about this.
If Kelly's mom is one of "them," why wouldn't she have killed her before we got here? Because she's tryin' to reel in the bigger fish.
Don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it.
No, you use it as a bait fish, to catch the whale.
I'm the whale, Pablo.
Yeah, I got that.
And Kelly She's the bait.
Yeah, that's right.
Unfortunately for Mom, this whale swam in there with a big ol' shotgun.
She was just waiting for me to drop my guard.
That's why she's inviting us for dinner.
Well, for the record, I think she's a real mom, and this is my chance to impress Kelly's parents.
So, can you just do me a solid, please? And just, be polite in there.
Oh, I'll be polite.
Right up until I'm rude.
[Classical music playing] Hey, how you holdin' up? I mean this must all be a big shock for you.
I mean, my mom's back, and I thought I'd never see her again.
So, um, I don't know.
I guess I'm actually um happy, for once.
[Kelly laughs] Ta-daa Wow, Mom, it looks great.
Thank you.
Um, you know you could, uh, - take off your gun.
- [Hissing] Put it over there with your chainsaw limb.
You'd like that, wouldn't ya? [laughing] Oh, well, yeah.
I would rather not have a gun at dinner.
Well we can agree to disagree.
This guy hunts.
He gets it.
Huh? [Chuckles nervously] Honey, I made your favorite.
Roast beef, medium rare.
Mom, you remembered.
But you know for somebody who recently lost their memory, yours is pretty good.
Well it, uh, it keeps coming back in pieces.
Uh, the doctors said eventually I should regain everything.
I'll bet they did.
So what are your plans, Mom? - [Thunder crashing] - [silverware clinking] [Hissing] I am sorry.
- [Gurgling sounds] - You were saying? Well, now that you're back, what's your big plan? Well, just try to get everything back to normal.
[Eerie music playing] [Squishing] Thank you.
[Hissing] Normal? Ha.
What's normal? Mm, family.
Work.
Work, where? - Oh, I'm an English teacher.
- What grade? - Tenth.
- What's your favorite book? The Old Man and the Sea.
Ah, so you like fishin'.
- I like fishing.
- This ain't about you, Dad! What are you waitin' for? You know you want a piece of this.
[Silverware clinking continues] Pablo, believe it or not, the rude middle-aged man ya brought is kind of ruining my "mom time.
" Ash, you're wrong, I'm right.
Lay off.
That's her real mom.
Well.
[Giggles] Can we get back to dinner or, um, did you have some more questions for me? [Speaking softly] Seriously.
Well, actually, just one more.
- [Grunts] - [yells] - Oh my God! - Oh, God.
- Honey! - Holy shit! - Mom! - DAD: Can you hear me? - Suzy, Suzy! - [Whimpering] Honey? Oh, oh God.
What the fuck is wrong with you, huh?! DAD: How dare you! - You come into our house, - [eerie music playing] Eat our food and then, I mean [in deep voice] Ash! [Panting] [Growling] [Gasping] Oh.
Oh, good.
I was startin' to feel like a real dick.
[Stammering] Honey? [Growling continues] No, don't touch her! That's not your wife! - [Cracking] - [grunting] - [Yells] - [gasping] - [Maniacal laughing] - [groaning] - No! - Get down! - KELLY: Oh my God! - [hissing] - [Clicks] - [grunting] [Buzzing] I told you.
A good shot to the face always gets the juices flowin'.
[Grunting] Come on! Let's tango, bitch! - [Grunting] - [gunshots] [Gasps] [Deadite snarling] [Panting] - [Gun clicks] - [suspenseful music playing] [Grunts] [Deadite roaring] - [Buzzing] - [clattering] [Panting] [Panting] Pablo, you okay? Yeah.
I'm okay.
Kelly.
Where's Kelly? Kelly?! [Sobbing] [Panting] - [Buzzing] - [gasping] [Sobbing continues] Uh, mm.
SUZY: Hush little baby Don't say a word Momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird [Speaking softly] Mom? And if that mockingbird don't sing Momma's gonna buy you a diamond ring [Speaking softly] Mom What is happening? - [Eerie music playing] - [thunder crashing] [Panting] [Speaking softly] Kelly, please.
[Sobbing] Please help me.
I-I don't know what's going on.
You you killed Dad.
[Whispering] Oh no.
[Sobbing] Oh God.
I-I bla I blacked out.
I, uh, please, I think you can, I think you can help me beat it.
[laughing] [Gasps] I will.
I will, Mommy.
I'll help you.
[Voice cracking] I'll help you.
- [Banging] - [grunting] [Buzzing] You left dinner before Daddy excused you.
No! No, wait, wait! Look, she's fine, she's fine, she's fighting it! We can save her.
It's too late for saving.
Back off! - No, no, no - Baby, baby.
- It's okay.
- No.
- Come here, come here.
- [Sobbing] Baby.
There was no accident.
I drove off that bridge on purpose.
- [eerie music playing] - [gasps] [In deep voice] To get away from you! [Both screaming] [Banging] Now the three of you will perish together.
- Evil will walk the Earth! - [bones cracking] Yeah, well, your cooking was shit.
- [Yelling] - [chainsaw buzzing] [Panting] [Roaring] [Gun cocking] - Oh, fuck! - [Gunshot] [Both grunting] Good night, Ashley.
[Gunshot] [screaming] [Grunting continues] [Screaming] [Groaning] [Panting] - [Hissing] - Oh, fuck! - Shit! - No! - [grunting] - [clicking] [Groaning] [Screaming] Mom, please! [Snarling] Mom, please Ash! Ash, help us! - [yells] - [laughs] Time to die! - [Buzzing] - [Pablo screaming] You got that right.
- [Screaming] - [dramatic music playing] [Shrieking] [Groaning] [Growling] - [Buzzing] - [groaning] [Screaming] [Thunder crashing] Good night, Mother.
[Head splattering] [Whimpering] [Dramatic music ends] So, look um, I'm not a grief counselor, but if it's any consolation, I have had to kill and bury loved ones before.
A bunch of times actually.
This "Evil," it made me think my mom was alive.
Killed my dad.
I hate whatever did this.
Yup, that was my takeaway, too.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
I also hate this Evil.
Ash, I'm not sorry that I took your book to get you to come up here.
I'm not either.
Sometimes the whale needs his bait fish to remind him of where he is in the ocean.
Or somethin' like that.
Anyway, thanks, Pablo.
Kelly, if you really hate what did this, you should come with us.
Let's bring the fight to it.
I mean, I guess I don't know what else I would do.
Well, she shouldn't be alone right now.
Plus, you're kinda like a young me.
Deadites ruined your life and you're hot as hell.
[Chuckles] Okay, let's get to the book store and hit the undo button on this BS once and for all.
You know they were Jewish, right? I-I did not.
Wish you could have said somethin' before I made those dumb crosses, but, okay.
Whenever you're ready.
[Birds chirping] [Sighing] [Engine rumbling] [Gearshift clicking] [Crows cawing] [Creaking]