Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Killer of Killers

1 Pablo I hope your weird Brujo uncle can help us out.
Oh boy.
Here's where you find what you seek.
What the hell is this doing here? You have to bury it deep, deep below the place where your journey began.
Thirty years ago my friends and I spent the night at a cabin.
We found a book.
It awoke something in the woods.
Something evil.
His real hand.
This is coming along so nicely.
Just take a hit.
Out demon! I command you! I think the Brujo's was trying to give me sign from wherever he is.
Where the hell is he? Why don't you take a loop around.
I'll check inside.
Son of a bitch.
Got you now, Ashley.
Hey little guy.
Have you seen a one-handed asshole around here? ¡Hola, Perra! Ruby! You double crosser! The others will never let you get.
The Book for yourself! And neither will I! Ruby! Shit.
Where the fuck did it go? Fuck! Damn jefe, you hungry? You're hurting those pancakes.
I know what I have to do.
Chew before you swallow.
No, back at the Brujo's, when I was on my fun little trip to Woodstock.
I saw some things, that made my next step very clear.
All roads to destroying this evil The cabin.
I guess, deep down, I always knew it would lead to this.
Then let's go back there and end it all.
You know I'm down, the last thing I want every Deadite to see - is this ugly mug.
- Yeah, I know.
But Thing is, you can't go with me.
I'm sorry.
What? No, this is the end of the road.
I've put your lives in too much danger already.
And this cabin, if you go there, you'd end up possessed and I would have to kill you both and cut your heads off and that would just be bad everybody.
I want payback.
You don't get to take that away from me.
We knew what we were getting into when we joined up with you well, no we didn't.
Not even a little bit.
But we do now, and you said you wanted us to be with you.
And if I die, at least I went out swinging.
Ash? If I was a Deadite, I would be honored to have you chop my head off.
Okay, I'll think about it.
Ah, how the hell are ya? These your grandkids? - Always.
- Yeah me too.
Kelly, Pablo, this is Lem.
Hey, uh, you got a sec? Sure.
So, you still working down at Value Stop? Maybe I could use your, uh, "employee discount" for some toilet paper and ammo.
And Lem I don't think you should be waving guns around.
Clean and sober, almost nine days.
Wow, well.
Ah, one foot in front of the other.
Yeah, I'm really getting my life together, you know, even joined the militia.
Hence the ammo.
"Always Be Stockpilin'.
" that's our motto.
Anyway, you should stop by sometime we've got some really cool toys you could play with.
You know, I might just take you up on that.
- Yeah.
- Where's your camp? Actually I can't tell you that.
Come on.
Come show me the hand.
- There.
- Gaylord.
- No.
- Really? - No.
- Gladman.
I gotcha.
North of M59? 'Cause you're being real weird to me today.
I'm having an amazing day.
Okay, you know what Pablo? I know what you're going through with your uncle and if you need to take it out on me, that's just fine.
I will take it if it helps.
Yeah, it's not that.
It's just when you were possessed, you tried to fuck me and then kill me.
What? Like like fuck you, fuck you? Oh, yeah.
You were like in full on bone mode, like a praying mantis.
I mean the killing part, you know what? I I get that.
You know you were a demon.
You were possessed, but the other part, I just I didn't know what to make of it.
- It was confusing.
- Shit.
I'm sorry.
I mean I really I just don't remember any of it.
So was any of that a part of you? Or was it all the demon? You two fun bags almost done? - Yup.
- Yeah.
Okay, good.
Now, if and I mean if I let you come with me back to the cabin, there's one place I have to stop first.
Pablo, when we get there, please remind me to gas up the chainsaw.
Will do.
You know I got you.
- Whenever you're ready.
- Thank you, love.
Five star service.
Oof! Okay, who's got the cash? - Ah, you said it was your treat.
- No.
No, I ordered the fruit cup because I thought we were taking this check to Splitsville.
- When did I say this? - Ah, when we sat down.
And then again, in the middle of the meal.
Yeah, you said, and I quote "All right, ya knuckle heads, I got the grub this round.
" That doesn't sound familiar.
But, you know, okay.
Just go wait in the trailer, okay.
I'll pay up.
- Amanda? - I've got him.
I've finally fucking got him! Right now I'm looking at the license plate of that missing trailer from the park homicide.
That's the guy.
Trust me.
Amanda, what are you doing? You're not on active duty.
But you are.
You could bring this guy in on your collar, run the DNA.
I know we'll find a hit on everyone from the trailer park and the farm house, too.
Where are you? The Western Moose.
He's inside.
I'm on my way.
Don't do anything till I get there.
All right, all right.
So just Will you just tell me how exactly did I try to do all that to you? You tried to seduce me and get me to smoke weed - out of a shotgun.
- What?! - Oh shit that is awesome - That is crazy! - That is awesome.
- Yeah.
So, what? Did you turn me down? I think so.
I blacked out.
Well, that sounds like a good party.
No, but hey, seriously, like whatever was inside me it just must have been preying on how I really feel about you.
How do you feel about me? I mean you're just so sweet and pure how could I ever look at you that way? And the demon must have been twisting that and making me seem insane.
That makes total sense.
Of course.
Fuck that demon.
Anyway um, I'm just, I'm really sorry, Pablo.
I put you such an awkward position and I promise I won't do that to you again.
- Do you hear that? - What? Well, anyway, um Okay, that time I heard it.
I think it's coming from in there.
That's where Ash keeps the Necronomicon.
Well it's got some serious beef with my uncle's necklace.
- Push harder! - Pushing.
Bastard! We need to lock that shit up, right now.
So, do you need anything else, or are you good? Oh, I'm good.
The question is Nancy, are you good? Ah, I'm okay.
I have a friend mine, Nancy.
He strings tennis rackets for a living.
He is the best.
He can't do anything else, but where do the worlds' tennis pros go to get their rackets strung? Him.
Why? Cuz he has a gift.
Fascinating piece of trivia.
Nancy, I have a gift, too.
- Uh huh.
- I can make sweet, sweet love to a woman like no other man.
Mm hmm.
After I lost this hand, this hand became "extra sensitive".
I think you know what I mean.
The reason I bring this up Nancy, is I'm not gonna be able to pay that check, but I think I've got something much more valuable I can give you.
Much more than twenty-two dollars and eighty nine cents.
Double that at least.
So, Nancy, would you like me to "string your racket?" My husband, he's right there.
The cook.
See him? Yeah, gotcha.
We gotta keep this on the down low.
Okay, tell you what.
Act natural, meet me in the men's room in three minutes.
But I gotta warn you, you're gonna want to leave your husband for me, and I can't let that happen.
Family values.
Okay, toots.
See ya in three.
Fuck the book.
I wish we could destroy it.
Oh, Ash said we can't.
He tried.
No dice.
Actually, he said that he tried burning it.
But we could we could electrocute it, we could freeze it, or maybe even a pipe bomb No, Ash said we can't.
'Cause we need The Book to help with the Deadites.
But it doesn't help.
If anything, it just keeps those things coming back around.
Wait, is that what you want? What? You told Ash you wanted payback.
You want to keep The Book around so more Deadites show up for you to kill.
What? Why are you looking at me like that? Kelly, you need to be careful of revenge.
My uncle, he always said, "Pablito, beware anger, fear revenge.
" If once you start down that path, forever, it will dominate your destiny.
"Consume you, it will.
" Did you just Yoda quote me? Yeah.
Don't worry.
I'm sure we'll be dead way before then.
Oo, cold, cold, cold.
I'd do me, all day long.
There you are, baby.
Right on time.
You know they say waitresses don't get big tips.
Well, that's about to change.
State Police.
You're under arrest.
Oh, come on! You again! Ahh! Lady, you just don't quit? - Not after what you did to my partner.
- Partner? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
- The one you murdered! - Murdered? Get out of town.
I'm not a killer.
Oh, yes, you are.
I kill killers! Ooh, easy on the strike zone there.
Or not.
Is that lavender? I got you mother fucker.
Like I said, you're under arrest, for real this time.
Jesus Christ.
You missed your chance, darling! This gal knows what it's all about.
Shut up and keep walking.
Fisher! I told you to wait! He was leaving.
I had to move.
This guy's behind everything.
Wow, there's an overstatement.
The farm house, the trailer park, another murder out in the woods where this sicko just burned a guy to death.
Say what? Jesus.
This is him.
Yeah, the trailer's outside.
I bet there's evidence all over it.
Okay buddy, let's go.
Robo cop is full of baloney.
You know she accosted me in the little boy's room, said, she wanted sex with a "genuine beef stud", these are her words.
Look, you can't arrest me.
I'm the only one here who knows how to fight.
The possibility of Donovan Fight what? That.
I think we better dine and dash.
Oh, shit! No! No! No! A new member for my fan club! You wanted service! Here's your tip.
I hear you! Hey! Order up! What? You never saw a chainsaw hand before? Amanda! I'm taking you with me! I told ya I kill killers.
I got this! Oh, shit! Thin sliced, just how I like it! Oh, come on! Don't die on me yet! Not you.
You wanna fuck with me? And my friends? Come after my family? You fuck! Oh, I'm just getting started! I'm just warming the fuck up! Fuck, yeah! I think she needed that.
- You just got 86ed.
- Yup.
Fuck! Fuck! - Crosby it's Lem.
- Lem? Man, you would not believe what I just saw.
We need to arm up.
Lem? Cuz the end is coming.
What happened?! Huh? Lem!? Lem? Fuck! Well, good news I found a piece of pie with no blood on it.
Anybody want a bite? - Nope.
- No thank you, I'm good.
Hey ah, do me a favor Take that.
Give me a sec.
How's your day going? Not great.
Welcome to my world.
You walk into a diner, all you want is a pile of hot cakes.
What do you get? A pile of corpses and everybody wants to blame it on you.
Police units are going to be here any minute.
You could stick around for that or you could come with us.
- Where to? - To fight.
We could use someone with your physical qualities ah skills.
I would love to come.
With you.
Why don't we hit the men's room and you can "string my racket".
I would be so totally into that.
Into what? Into you coming with us to fight Deadites.
Right? Let's boogie.