Baby Daddy Episode Scripts

N/A - What's in the Box

1 Come on! You gotta eat somethin'.
I mean, it's almost nine o'clock, you're usually on your third breakfast by now.
Sorry, but I'm just way too nervous to eat anything.
You know what? Maybe just a waffle to go? Or Or two, maybe two waffles to go? And will you put some eggs in that? Honey, this might be the most important trial of my career.
Defending Brad? He's not just Brad, he's your mother's husband.
And if your mother's husband goes back to jail, I mean, she's just gonna, peck out my soul until I'm nothing but a hollow shell.
Oh, you know maybe a few pieces of bacon? Okay, yeah.
Wait.
Is this it? Is this the letter from the doctor saying what the sex of our baby is? You've had our baby in your briefcase this entire time and you didn't tell me? No, because we already decided we didn't wanna find out the sex.
Well, that was a little more of a "you" than a "we" decision.
Come on, don't you wanna know? This makes it so real.
Yeah, 'cause up until now, it's just been this crazy fantasy.
Hey, guys, I've been doing some spring cleaning, and thought you might like some of Emma's old clothes for the baby.
Or you just didn't feel like doin' laundry.
Don't poke holes in this, you're getting free clothes.
I so don't have time for this.
All right, wish me luck.
Luck, I predict that thing will be gone before you hit the elevator.
Look at you, dude! Your lips don't even move anymore when you're trying to read! The sex of our baby is in this envelope and Riley doesn't want to know what it is.
You'd wanna know if you were havin' a boy or a girl, right? Hell, yeah.
Although I'd have been cool just knowing I was having a baby.
Why don't you open it? Because I promised Riley I wouldn't.
Oh, right.
Sacred bond.
Gotcha.
Which is why I'll open it! And if we get caught, we can blame it on Emma.
Honestly, it's one of the best parts about havin' a kid.
Oh! Pregnancy brain.
What was I thinking? And you were right.
Dude! It never fails! Sometimes I wonder if women can actually smell deceit.
We can.
(theme music playing) It's amazing how the unexpected Can take your life and change direction Okay, Mrs.
Wheeler, are you ready to head to the courthouse? Do you mean am I ready to see the man of my dreams locked away? Am I ready to be left alone, out in the cold with no one to turn to? No! No, I am not ready! Oh, my God! I can't lose him! (crying) Mrs.
Wheeler, calm down.
All right? It is gonna be okay.
I know, I was just practicing for my big moment on the stand.
And if that doesn't sway the jury, then these babies definitely will.
Well, they didn't sway me to make you breakfast this morning.
Okay, all today is about is getting this thing postponed.
When Bustamonte fled the country, I managed to get a box of his files seized at the border.
Box? I mean, what's in the box? Bank statements that will hopefully prove he is the real mastermind behind the whole scheme.
You're a genius! But it hasn't arrived.
You're an idiot! Mrs.
Wheeler, this box is the only thing we have to prove Brad is innocent.
And, when I say innocent, I mean only slightly guilty.
Well, I hope we get that old judge who erased all my parking tickets.
I only had to go to second base for him for that.
But I am willing to hit a home run, huh? No.
No, no, no.
Well, unfortunately, we have Judge Johnson.
Yeah, soon to be known as Lady Justice.
This is her last trial before she leaves to star in her own TV show.
And now I'm interested.
And you weren't when it was just about my husband spending his life in jail? Yeah, not so much.
But! But I heard that Judge Johnson is gonna be the new face of daytime TV.
I was just gonna send her my head shot, but my real head would be better.
Look, you have to help me get in to see her.
Yeah, yeah, because it's not like Riley has anything better to do.
Um, I heard her defense, so, no, I don't think she does.
Okay, you know what? Brad is gonna be fine.
I am going to win this case, and he is going to go free.
Okay.
Oh, God, even I don't believe me.
Let's go.
Oh, hey, babe.
I feel like I didn't give you a proper send-off.
I used to kiss your father like that.
He's gay now.
Can we go? Let's do this! Yeah, all right, you are not coming.
I know.
But if you see a dude there that looks like me, it's not.
You're just being racist.
Oh, come on.
Did you get it? No, that bag was full of candy wrappers.
It's like a chocolate cemetery in there.
(whispers) Brad.
You stay strong.
And know that if things don't go your way, I will be right here beside you at least through the first appeal.
Have no fear, Lady Justice is here.
That little catchphrase is gonna make me a million dollars.
Uh, Ms.
Perrin, I see here that you're petitioning to court to postpone this trial.
I I am, your honor.
I am just waiting on a box of evidence that will prove that my client Do you actually know what's in this box? Oh, yes, completely.
Not one hundred percent exactly, no, but I have a very strong hunch.
Mm.
I had a hunch that leftover Indian food would make a good breakfast.
(chuckles) So much for hunches.
Petition denied.
So good news.
We're going to trial.
- Excuse me - (Both scream) Who the hell are you? Tucker Dobbs.
I hope you don't mind, I let myself in.
I do mind, but I think I know you.
You've been in my court before.
Guilty of breaking my heart, if I recall.
(laughing) Uh that's me.
Uh, first of all, I just want you to know that I am a huge fan of your work, and second, you need me.
What I need is a manicure, a mai tai, and a boy toy with an ass so tight I can bounce a quarter off of it.
Any chance you got change for a dollar? Uh, no, no.
I meant you need me for your show.
I produced for the Mary Hart show for two years No, forget it, forget it.
I already got a pack of yappy producers tellin' me what to do.
But what you don't have is a yappy on-air sidekick.
Right? You know, feedin' you lines and makin' you look good.
Ooh.
I like lookin' good.
Okay.
Get yourself a uniform, I'll let you audition.
And And start thinking of some catchphrases.
Yeah, um You don't need to wear no pants, the robe decides what's de evidence.
- Yeah, but not that one.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Here's how it's gonna go.
We'll intercept her in a neutral spot, the coffee shop on the corner of Wall and Chambers.
While she's focused on shoving a chocolate croissant down her gullet, I'll surreptitiously extract the envelope, run across the road, photocopy the contents, and replace it before she even knows it went missing.
What do you think? It honestly cannot be any simpler.
Something tells me it could be.
Look, do you want that envelope or not? It's not like she's gonna walk in here and drop it in our laps.
That was a total crap cocktail with a double crap chaser! Mrs.
Wheeler, it really wasn't that bad.
I mean, honestly, I thought it was gonna be a lot worse.
Hey, and what are we supposed to do if we never get that box of so-called evidence? Let Brad go to jail just because he broke a couple of stupid laws? That is kind of how the system works.
Bonnie: Hey! What are you two so excited about? Oh, uh, we're both just really happy the trial's goin' so well.
It's not.
Then we should probably leave you alone to strategize, bye! - Ready? - Yes! No, wait! Okay, tell me.
Wait, no, don't tell me! - I don't know - Oh-ho, too late! What the hell is this? Oh my God, it's not a boy or a girl? What am I having? It doesn't matter, I will love it anyway.
No, it's a phone number to something called the Baby Place, with a special code.
Oh, I forgot.
Yeah, we told the doctor to send the results to this baby shop that sends us a cake that's either blue or pink on the inside, so we can be surprised.
It was my idea.
That's genius.
Not the idea, that was lame.
But now all you have to do is call the store.
We can't.
Only Riley can tell them where to deliver the cake.
Got it.
(as Riley) Hey, yeah, like, this is Riley Perrin, and I've got, like, this cake, okay? That was horrible.
(as Riley) Hi, this is Riley Perrin, wife of husband Danny Wheeler? He's a hockey player.
I was horrible? (both imitating Riley) What the hell is the matter with you two? Oh, uh, we're trying to impersonate Riley so we can find out the sex of my baby.
(as Riley) Hello? This is Riley Perrin, and, and I'll sue your ass if you don't tell me what I'm having! Well, start dialing! Pretty big day Emma, we're about to find out if you're getting a boy cousin or a girl cousin.
I want a puppy! Well, I want a motorcycle and a girlfriend named Bambi, but we all have our disappointments.
She finally left.
Oh my God.
Is that it? Is that the cake? No, I just decided to get up early and do a little baking.
Yes, that's the cake! Would you like to do the honors? Yes.
No.
I can't.
Or maybe I can.
Heh! You know what? Just give me a minute.
You're gonna be a dad.
Man up, dude! - It's a girl! - It's a girl! I'm havin' a girl! You're havin' a girl! - (both laughing) - Finally, someone else will understand how hard it is to raise a girl.
They look so cute, but they're really just small women! Hey, what's that? I don't know, it came with the cake.
Maybe should've looked at this first.
It seems this cake actually belongs to a Gordon and Melinda Miller.
Riley's havin' someone else's baby? No, Danny.
Someone else is havin' Riley's baby? No, Danny! - Is Riley - Just forget it.
All right, order in the court.
Put your papers away.
We ready to start, and Lady Justice don't play.
(laughter) I better bang this gavel before this court unravels.
(laughs) When did Tucker become the po-po? That's prison slang for copper.
Well, he's auditioning to be her TV bailiff.
Normally, I would just freak out, but honestly, it's the least of our problems.
My God! He is gonna make a mockery of these proceedings! Okay, Brad, at the first opportunity, take your shirt off.
Got it.
Okay, Counselor, since you seem to have no case, no evidence, and no witnesses, can I assume that you're just gonna stare at me until somebody yells "guilty" and puts you outta your misery? Oh God, could you? I mean Uh, no, no, I I have witnesses.
Uh, a witness.
I would like to call the defendant to the stand.
I need you to stall.
We need time to get that box of evidence.
Got it.
Could you please state your name and occupation? (clears throat) Hmm! (speaking slowly) Brad ley! What are you doing? (whispers) Stalling.
(speaking slowly) Walk er! Hey, so congrats on the baby.
Here's your cake.
There was a slight mishap on the subway, but good news, you're havin' a girl! Really? That's it? Months of anticipation, people flying in from around the country for this party, and you just blurt it out? Maybe you'd like to name her, too.
Oh, I like Elisa.
It was on our list, but we ended up crossing it off, so feel free to take it.
And in exchange for that priceless gift, could we possibly take our cake now? You seem to be busy.
We don't have your cake.
We sent it back when we read the envelope and realized it wasn't ours.
Like normal people! Right, honey? Actually, I ate it.
Sorry, it's my cheat day.
Oh, well, that's okay, but what am I having? Oh-ho wouldn't you like to know? Yes! Yes, I would like to know! And, I believe, the defense rests.
Well, that was a disaster! Mr.
Walker, I suggest that you get your affairs in order.
Let's take a break.
All right, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Lady Justice is just breakin' for lunch! (laughter) Riley, you have to do something.
I can't go back to jail! I've already done my screw you tour of Cell Block C, plus I gave away my shampoo and my lucky shiv! Brad, I am so sorry.
If only she'd allowed us - to postpone, we wouldn't be - (phone vibrates) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have to go to the office, I will be right back.
What, what, what? Bon-Bon, what am I gonna do? Prison is such a cold and lonely place, and my life is so empty! Even with the badminton tournament comin' up.
I know, I know.
Oh, my God.
Brad! Brad! We are completely alone.
No one came to take you back to lockup! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Well, I was thinking that my life is pretty much over, but sure, why not? No, no, not now! No.
No.
I'm busting you out of here.
Just put your head down and keep going until I say stop.
And if we make it out of here alive, get used to hearing that.
Problem solved! The Baby Place said the baker is gone for the day but they'd send something else instead.
There should be a box here any second.
Oh, man, the anxiety's killin' me.
I knew I never should've gone behind Riley's back.
Dude, it's your kid, too.
You have the right to know whether it's comin' out with a dingley-doo or a vee-jingley-jay.
Hi.
Did the box come? They called and said there was a box coming! Box? What box? Why would there be a box? Well, they called the office and said it was on its way, so I ran all the way over there before I realized they might be sending it to the apartment.
You should probably sit down, you crazy pregnant lady.
And we'll go look for this mystery box of yours.
Now, Danny.
Let's go now.
I thought she didn't want to know the sex of the baby.
Dude, her hormones are ragin' right now! I don't even know what she wants! Except I'm supposed to know what she wants! - Hey, she might know about the box - (Elevator dings) but she obviously doesn't know that we're the ones who called.
I've got a box for a Riley Perrin.
I'm Riley! It can be a boy's name, too.
Thank you.
See you later.
Okay, and you're sure they said it was coming here? All right, I'll go check my apartment.
Hold on.
(gasps) Riley Perrin? Oh, my God, yes, thank you! You saved my life! - Mrs.
Wheeler? - Oh! Riley! Hi! Um, I, um I just slipped in here to check on Emma.
I got it! I got the box.
Brad's gonna go free! What? Really? Oh, my God, Riley, that's amazing! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, I'm so happy! (Bonnie laughing) (gasps) Oh, my God! Brad, what are you doing here? Well, you know, it seemed like you were gonna lose, so So you broke him out? You're right she is totally not cool.
I know.
(knocking on door) Lady Justice is in the house! Call her up to sue your spouse! (laughing) Man, I'm killin' it out there! I'm about to kill you in here.
What do you think you're doin' out there, upstaging me.
It's called the Lady Justice Show, not the Stupid, Wise-crackin' Sidekick Show.
Who'd ever watch a show with a dumb name like that? I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
I'll I'll pull it back.
Please.
I really need this job.
Finish up your day and then you're on your way.
Ooh, I like that.
Maybe I can work that in.
What? Whoa! That is Is that a quarter on the floor? Oh, my God.
I'm bettin' right now you wish you'd done a few more squats.
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
Wait, wait, wa.
Dude, dude, dude.
Now that it's here a second time, I feel like maybe we shouldn't open it.
And this is something you should be sharing with Riley.
And more importantly, it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl, just as long as it's healthy.
I don't care, I gotta know.
Wait.
What is this? Luis Bustamonte? Oh, no.
This is the box of evidence that Riley's been waiting for.
We've gotta get to the courthouse.
Okay, but if Riley finds out, I'm on the record for giving you that speech.
Yo, the judge is here.
Okay, let's put this gavel to the metal and get this trial started.
(chuckles) You want me to rap, you want me to rhyme, well, this is my courtroom and I ain't got the - Time? - Oh, yeah.
I was gonna say that.
Look, help a sister out, I'll let you back in.
Really? I can have the job? Mm.
Hey, order in the court.
I'm back in the hizzy, she said I got the job, and you know y'all missed me.
(all laughing) Well, let's get this trainwreck over with.
Wait.
Where's the train? Your Honor! Your Honor, I'm here, and I've got it, I've got the box.
Oh.
And where's the defendant? Here I am! Here I am.
Sorry, I, uh, just dropped a contact.
You never know where they're gonna roll off to.
Your Honor, this box will show that Brad Walker is a relatively innocent man.
All right, I would like to present into evidence this - Riley! - Oh, my God.
What is going on? (gasps) We're havin' a boy.
Oh, my God, we're havin' a boy! We are? Oh, my God, I'm so happy.
We're gonna have a son.
I love you.
A boy.
This is amazing! Finally someone will know my pain! Well, this This all could not be sweeter.
But, um Hello! I am on trial for my life here! Oh, right, um Oh, I believe this one is yours.
Slight mix-up, all your fault.
Don't worry, you can apologize later.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's all here.
It's all here! Everything! Names, dates, times proving that my client didn't do almost everything he was accused of, just, in your face! Is where I would like to respectfully place these papers.
Okay.
Uh well.
In light of this evidence, I have no choice but to set you free.
However, I cannot free you from these lunatics that you call family.
Ooh! May God have mercy on your soul.
And with the new facts come to light, the strong defense wins the fight.
Our man Brad is free to go.
This is the Lady Justice Show, y'all.
- Well, cheers to you Riley.
- Thanks.
I am pretty proud of myself.
Though, no thanks to any of the idiots who live in this place.
You think they would be at least a little more supportive of someone who's nine months pregnant.
Well, unfortunately, I don't think this is gonna make them any more respectful.
(drumming) Sadly, they get to take theirs off.
You get to take yours off in a few weeks.
Oh, who am I kidding? You're probably never losing half of that.
What if it's sooner than a few weeks? How much sooner? Aah, like right now! Oh God, I think I'm having a baby! - Oh, my God! - Now? Now? It's happening, she's having a baby! Someone get the door! Get the door! (clamoring) Oh, my God! And remember, whatever drugs they offer, take 'em!