Ballers (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Million Bucks in a Bag

1 Kane is in the building, nigga (MUSIC PLAYING) Now tell me how you love it, you know you at the top When only heaven's right above it, we on 'Cause we on Who else is really trying to fuck with Hollywood Cole? I'm with Marley G, bro Flying Hollygrove chicks to my Hollywood shows And I wanna tell you something that you probably should know This that "Slumdog Millionaire" Bollywood flow And, uh My real friends never hearing from me Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me That's why I pick and choose, I don't get shit confused Don't like my women single, I like my chicks in twos And these days all the girls is down to roll I hit the strip club and all them bitches find the pole Plus, I been sippin', so this shit is movin' kinda slow Just tell my girl to tell her friend that it's time to go.
- It's Spencer.
- Fun time last night.
You wanna join? Uh I gotta Enjoy your shower.
Good morning.
Good-bye, Stewart.
(CHUCKLES) (THUDS) - Who the fuck are you? - Who the fuck are you? Get your ass up.
Get the fuck out of here.
- (GROANS) - Oh, hey, Strasmore.
How you like 'em? You strike me as an over-easy kind of guy.
Not really hungry now, Jared.
Thank you.
Good morning, buddy.
Most important meal of the day.
Gotta get your proteins in.
(SEAGULLS SCREECHING) - (BOAT HORN HONKS) - (PHONE CHIMING) Wow, it was a big night for you, huh? Five clients in the first round, not to mention Travis going number six.
You had as much to do with that as me.
The kid tore it up in his post-draft interviews.
Yeah, it seems like beer and Adderall is the cure for his social anxiety.
So, where should I send his bonus check? I'm still trying to figure that one out.
Your clients are only gonna hang in there so long when it comes to minding their loot.
Only so many hours in the day, Jason.
My crib has officially turned into a flophouse and I'd like to handle one epic fucking task at a time.
That, my friend, is a direct route to mediocrity.
So, where do you plan on hanging this new shingle of yours? (MAN SNORING) Not here, that's for fucking sure.
I did not expect for this to take this long.
We got a hot tub up top.
You could fire up the bubbles, have a soak while you wait.
I'm just having a little bit of trouble finding the punchline in here.
That's because there's no joke.
Joe: Maybe it's one of those hip, subversive alt comedy jokes that doesn't sound like a joke.
Is it one of those? 'Cause then it's hilarious.
- We agreed on a price.
- I like this price.
Well, I like hot wax drizzled on my nipples.
Doesn't mean my wife's gonna do that for me.
Well, I do know a pair of hot, identical twins that will.
Okay, ahem, look, we don't we, uh, give this some room to breathe, you know? Take some time to think about it? Most deals weren't made in one day.
Yeah, let's push the pause button until the big fella shows up.
He should be a part of this.
You know goddamn well that Spencer is no longer with us.
Spencer died? I had no idea.
Yeah, it just came out of left field.
Well, it's unfortunate because we are in the service business and the best guy to service that business is, of course, Spencer Strasmore.
And I'm big enough to not take that personally.
Well, you shouldn't.
It's just that when he goes, your clients are gonna panic and they're either gonna follow him or go elsewhere, and they will take their money with them.
Hence, my offer is what it is.
Hence, my answer is no.
Don't kid yourself, I will sell ASM and I will get what I'm asking for.
Is that the, uh, hot wax to nipples or the 15 mil? - Both.
- Good luck with that.
Hey, give us the number of those twins before you go.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (EXHALES, GRUNTS) Yo, Vernon, man, stay on your tippy toes.
I am on my damn tippy toes.
Dallas assured me drafting another guy at your position does not lessen their love for you.
But their secondary sucks and they still want two run stuffers? They say there wasn't another shutdown corner worth drafting at four.
You might as well create another point of strength to go along with the O line, you know what I mean? - Stupid.
- Yo, Vernon, man, yo, take a break.
Man, you've been in there about an hour.
My toes are pruning.
Plus Marinelli likes getting pressure from the inside, which means what? More sacks, which means more Pro Bowls, which means more money next contract, capisce? - (GRUNTS) - (BARKING) Here you go, buddy.
What's Spencer think of all of this? He's got other things on his mind right now.
He still trying to drum up cash to start his own shop? He had no problem floating us that 300 grand before I got my contract.
This is a way bigger buyout.
(SIGHS) Damn.
I always thought Spencer was rolling in it.
I mean, the car, the house, the clothes.
Shit, the shades alone cost about 800.
Guys, you know when he lent you that 300K, - thas everything he had.
- He went broke for me? He went broke a while before that, but he gambled his last chips on you, yeah.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTER) Ah! (GRUNTS) Get ready to have your fucking day made, my bald friend.
Let me guess, Anderson and Andre committed double suicide and left ASM to us.
- Is that it? - That's close.
Anderson and I had a meeting this morning with Andre.
Those assholes got nothing better to do on a Saturday? They tried to make a deal, but Andre lowered his bid.
Claims dumping you devalued the company.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I guess I'm worth a lot more than I thought.
Yeah, and I'm worth less, exactly.
So, he's trying to take advantage of the instability that he created? Which makes him either an evil genius or completely batshit crazy.
Seems like both of them misplayed their hand.
- What was Andre's bid? - (CHUCKLES) 9.
Perfect time to go in and make an offer.
All right.
Anderson won't accept less than 12, though.
That leaves us about five mil short.
Joe, sometimes it ain't about what you got to give, but rather how you give it.
Oh, okay.
I'll remember that the next time I get laid.
Holy shit, you wanna wait that long? (LAUGHS) You are on fire today! - Wow! - (PHONE CHIMING) - What's up, Vernon? - Can you swing by? Yeah, I gotta make a quick stop at Ricky's and I'll see you in a bit.
Tell that motherfucker he need to find a home.
Hey, Julie, did you happen to grab my linen shirts from the dry cleaners? It's supposed to hit 98 in Georgia today.
(KETTLE WHISTLING) I am so sorry, I was busy doing a whole bunch of other important shit.
- You wanna get that? - Yeah, yeah.
Hey, it's really, really impressive that Seifert's sending me out solo.
There's a lot of teams trying to sign this kid.
The guy was arrested selling weed to an undercover cop in a school zone twice.
But that's all right.
Reel him in and reward him with a bunch of money, honey.
Hey, some people actually deserve a second chance.
Besides, undrafted free agents make up almost half the roster.
You all right? My sister is late again and my double shift started 15 minutes ago, so, no, I'm not okay.
Maybe you should look into getting some help.
The help that I need is you! At least tell me that you got the tickets to San Fran for the christening.
You know, I forgot to ask about my work schedule for next month.
You sure we can't just do it here? No, I want her to be christened in the same church that me and my sister were christened in.
Come on, baby.
Too bad Alcatraz isn't open or you can swing by there and do some recruiting.
(BABBLING) (MUSIC PLAYING) Is this an odd time for me to say how proud I am of my son? I'll have the rest of the cash for you Monday.
No, no.
A check will do, Rick.
Just want Anderson to know we're balling, you know? Shit, you boys are balling like a motherfucker.
Rick, are those fucking gold bars in the back of that safe? We're only one computer virus from the financial apocalypse, Joe.
Need that backup currency when shit goes down.
Shit, put one of those in the fucking bag.
- (SAFE CLOSES) - You sure you're cool with this, Rick? - Yeah, yeah, I am.
- Thank you.
You know, now might be a good time to think about taking that $36 million offer from the Rams, huh? I can't really get excited about the Rams.
That transition to LA could be messy.
- Man, this motherfucker - What, Pops? - What? - What, you gonna say something? - I ain't stepping in that trap.
- I'm asking you for your opinion.
Permission to speak freely.
Well, at the risk of getting my ass kicked again, I've been watching you over the last two months just flip-flop, back and forth.
Partially, it's my fault, but I don't think cash is the answer.
The only way you're gonna get that yellow jacket is when you know who's throwing you the ball.
Are you fucking crazy? - See what happen when I speak? - The Hall of Fame is way out of reach.
Joe: Rick, don't sell yourself short, man.
You got at least three good seasons left in you.
What you think, Spence? Well, I think you already got four 100-catch seasons.
No one's ever had seven.
That could be you.
You win a championship, you got a right to be in that Canton conversation.
- You really think so? - Don't say you ain't dreamt of having that beautiful beard in bronze.
Yeah, but I don't wanna get ahead of myself.
Shit, well, you do it with everything else.
Oh, says the guy sitting next to the huge bag of cash.
Thank you.
Look, the Hall of Fame could be your legacy, son.
But the only way you're gonna get there is by playing with the best quarterback in the league.
And he sure as shit ain't gonna be with the motherfucking Rams.
Jason's gonna love getting this fucking call.
- It's been way past five seconds, bro.
- You count too fast.
- (SIGHS) - Now it's five seconds.
Don't try to speed up the count 'cause you're worried I'm overdoing myself.
- Come on, Reg.
Oh, fuck.
- Aw, it's okay, I got it.
Oh, man.
You thinking about a career change, Vern? - Thanks for coming by, man.
- Sure.
Hey, Reg, he got something for you, though.
Oh, yeah.
We heard you're looking for capital.
Jason tell you that? Man, he said you lent us every dime you had last year.
It was an investment.
(SIGHS) And so is this.
Vernon: My contribution to the cause.
- $1 million.
- I can't take this, no.
- Don't look at it as a loan, man.
It's it's payback for all the work you've done for us and all the shit we done put you through.
Me, for for instance.
Hey, it's incredibly generous.
But, no.
- I can't do it.
- Our money no good? No, you're money's too good, okay? Which why I would never wanna put it in jeopardy.
And, plus, it's not nearly enough, so Okay, man, so how much you want, then? I mean, name the amount.
I can't do it.
I appreciate the thought.
Thank you both very much, but the donation booth is officially closed.
- You did a paper on the Carlisle? - Yeah.
First federally funded Indian boarding school.
Whitey wanted to Americanize the Indians, so they taught them football.
Pop Warner was their coach, right? You know your history.
Pop turned them into the best team in the country by 1907.
They invented the forward pass and trick plays.
Okay, so you're smart in addition to being a damn good tackle.
Not good enough to get drafted.
Well, your off-the-field behavior wrecked your senior season.
Slinging weed's the fastest way to make a dollar where I'm from.
The school makes millions off of merch and TV deals, and I'm eating ramen fucking noodles twice a day? I did what I had to to get by.
Old habits die hard, I guess.
I go to meetings now.
I got a sponsor, I got better people around me.
Good, 'cause I didn't come out here to bring on another camp body.
You come down to Miami, I make sure that you're on the 53.
We got a first-class support system to keep you focused, namely me.
Look, we only got 15 grand to offer as a signing bonus.
But the real money comes after you make the team.
Right now, you gotta decide if a couple more Gs up front is worth more than finding the right place to begin your professional career.
A place that won't have you falling back into old habits.
Now, come on, I'll buy you some ramen noodles.
Hey, Spencer.
- (PHONE RINGING) - (MAN SINGING IN PORTUGUESE) (CLEARS THROAT) Wow, this place got really Caucasian really fast.
- The prodigal son returns.
- In the flesh.
I thought I gave security the shoot-to-kill order.
Hey, Leonard drops a deuce at exactly this time every day.
You can literally set your watch to it.
I did set my watch to it.
That's how I got up here.
I'd like to buy the company, Mr.
- Would you? - Very much.
What could have possibly given you the idea that I was taking new offers? Oh, I see, fuck me for doing my job and creating a bidding war that gets you paid.
(INHALES) (LAUGHING) That is a million dollars in a bag.
Anderson, you asked us to build this division, and that's exactly what we did.
But in the process, we created a family here.
You got a group of people who love to come to work every morning and who are driven to continue building this entire firm.
Sure, we hit a few bumps along the way, but we got something special here and you know it.
JOE: Would you rather sell to the guy who's trying to play you or the guy who used to play for you? You know what, I can't tell the difference anymore and I think you're overstating my attachment to this company.
No, he's not.
You love the action.
You love the way we look after our guys.
It's the reason why you supported us while we were trying to find our feet.
Anderson, take that million dollars in cash as a non-refundable down payment and give me the opportunity to bring you the rest.
I'm not giving you former employee discounts.
I don't expect one.
I just want to be in the game.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
You go out and you rob a few more Brink's trucks, you bring me the full asking price, we can sit down and talk about making a deal.
And on your way out, please tell Leonard he's fired.
So, back to the second quarter.
If I were you, I wouldn't say a word for a while.
And I didn't even have to use the full 20 grand.
Nicely done.
Anthony's a good kid.
Getting his degree in history.
I think he's got a real shot to make the team.
We'll see.
Be careful about getting too attached.
- What's with the scratching? - I think I got an allergy.
Feels like I got attacked by mosquitoes.
You got hives.
- Hives? No.
- Welcome to the front office.
It could be this new detergent we started using.
Something going on at home? No, we just wanted something easier on the environment.
I'm not talking about your laundry, Charles.
Balancing a new job with a new baby, that's a big adjustment.
I guess Julie has been a bit more hot-tempered than usual.
Didn't think I'd be working this much.
That's why I'm twice divorced.
Look at this calendar.
You pick any day out the year, I can tell you exactly what I'm doing, up to the hour.
There are plenty of surprises in this job, Charles, but this motherfucker is not one of them.
Now, go be nice to your wife and load up on antihistamines.
And don't scratch that.
It's only gonna make it worse.
Man on radio: At this point you'd hope the general managers - (PHONE CHIMING) - Hello? Spencer, it's Kelly Robbins.
Oh, hey, Kelly.
How are you feeling? Oh, I don't have much time to think about it.
You left in pretty rough shape and it's only getting worse.
Has your bruise diminished at all? It's still smaller than a cantaloupe.
I'm concerned about blood clots and further joint deterioration.
When are you coming to see me? Hey, Doc, I just lost my girl, I got fired, and I got a raving lunatic who's trying to sabotage my career, so coming in for surgery doesn't really gel with my calendar right now.
So, is it gonna take a pulmonary embolism to get you in here? (LAUGHS) Believe me, if I was gonna drop dead, it would have happened long ago, Doc.
(PHONE BEEPING) That's the bane of my existence on the other line.
At least let my office schedule the surgery, and I'll let you know when to get here.
Absolutely, let's go ahead and schedule it for my 65th birthday, which is about the time I should need the surgery.
(PHONE BEEPING) Doc, listen.
I really appreciate you checking in, okay? You have a good day, Kelly.
(BEEPS) What do you want? Is this an inconvenient time? I can call back later.
Or you could lose my number.
I never lose things I value.
Listen, I know you're suspicious, but you're gonna want to hear what I have to say.
It will only take a couple minutes.
Who do you like the most? Cam Newton, Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady? That's a tough call.
All of them are at the top of their game, that's for sure.
But Cam is blowing up, man.
League MVP.
He's changing the way the position's being played.
He's great at scrambling, which meshes with your ability to improvise and create big plays.
Improvising is what I seem to do.
Used to do it with Aaron.
You know he put the whole team on his back this season, but he was short on targets.
Yeah, well improvising is what you got shipped out.
But going back to Green Bay would give you a shot at proving them front office fucks they made a mistake for ever letting you go in the first place.
Redemption is a beautiful thing.
And he throws a hell of a Hail Mary.
But Tom Brady don't need no prayers.
He better than ever at 38, and he will push you harder than you ever been pushed.
I could use that.
Lack of motivation is what kept me from being a top receiver.
Yeah, but you got a ring, Pops! But that team, they were so interested in self-promoting, they were never gunning for a dynasty.
That's where I learned to put myself before everybody else.
Hmm, right.
One of the "finer qualities" I caught from you.
Hey, man, I watched you change right before my very eyes.
I want to thank you for staying immature long enough for me to come back and witness it.
And I want to thank you for fucking me up so bad, I stayed a child until I was 30.
Sounds like you leaning towards New England, though.
Wherever you wind up, I'ma be right there with you.
And that should probably be New England.
- Huh.
- Watch this, young blood.
Gonna come back on that 2.
Pride, gone.
Look at that.
- Right through there.
- Oh, man! It's bigger than hip-hop Hip-hop Hip-hop, hip It's bigger than hip-hop Hip-hop Hip-hop, hip-hop Thanks for coming.
- (JACKHAMMER RATTLING) - (BOAT HORN BLARING) Yeah, I know, looks like someone's taken advantage of our misfortune.
Surprised it's taken them this long.
This location is perfect for condos.
Location is important, but timing timing is everything.
That's where you and I went wrong.
Where you went wrong was letting me roll a $6 million pair of dice.
You're not seriously continuing to blame me for your recklessness? Absolutely.
I made that perfectly clear when I fucking fired you.
- And that still hurts.
- Come on.
Spare me the bullshit tears.
Listen, in every business deal there is risk.
Let's not forget that I advised you to invest $600,000, not $6 million into this deal.
And if that deal would have panned out, you would have made very good money, okay? And if it failed, which it did, you still would have had over $5 million to put into another opportunity.
But only a crazy man puts all of his money into one single deal! Yes, and only an asshole would let him.
Even I didn't have the power to stop you back then.
I mean, you wouldn't even listen to your coach.
You were gonna listen to me? You knew I had a player's mentality back then and you also knew, Andre, if everything went south, like this whole fucking deal went south, I wasn't gonna back out.
That's not how I thought back then.
No, I was gonna dig in even fucking deeper.
Did I tell you to bring all those people into the deal, including your friends? Sometimes in life you just have to let things bottom out, and then you start anew.
Look at you know.
That's why I think it's important for me and you to work together again.
Now, Miami Wealth does not need your services, but ASM does, and I'm gonna buy that company.
And I want to put you in charge, and you can retain Joe and your staff, and I'm gonna kick you all of my football clients.
But more importantly, I'm gonna get you that blessing from the NFLPA.
I'll pass.
Come on, Spence.
You can't let your pride derail you of making the right decision again.
I can't get you anything you want.
I can get it myself.
I don't need you to get it for me.
How you gonna hunt down $15 million? None of your goddamn business where I'm gonna get it from.
I'll get it.
Tell me you're not gonna get it from your clients.
Spence, that is the reason why me and you are in this mess.
Please, do anything but that.
I'm not like you.
You're exactly like me.
Not like you.
Uh, uh, uh One, two, one, two (JULIE BUZZING) Ladybug? Are you a ladybug? - My little lady - Hey, girls! - Daddy's home! - Hey, Daddy! Oh, look at that! Who's this? Oh, this is Manny, the new nanny.
You told me to get some help, so I did.
Charles, nice to meet you.
- (KIKI COOS) - I was just getting to know Kiki.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's so cute.
- She is so cute.
- Too cute.
Julie, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Could you excuse us, Manny? Of course, of course.
Take your time.
Meet Manny, baby! - (KIKI FUSSES) - (MANNY BABBLES) - Who the fuck is that? - Lower your voice.
You hired this dude without even talking to me? He has a ton of experience and was highly recommended by the hospital.
And when did you want me to run it by you? - I was gone one night.
- You know what? I checked the ticket prices and they skyrocketed! Oh! I You know, I'm not gonna make it to San Francisco.
- What? - Siefert said they overlap Siefert said? You know what? Fine.
We'll go without you.
You're going with him? Aw, look at the little babe.
- She's adorable.
- Oh, my "widdle-widdle.
" Aw, you know, Manny, she really likes you.
Manny: She does, she does.
Julie: Yeah, you like Manny, baby? - MANNY: He's a keeper.
- He's a keeper.
Let me tell you about the life I live I'm calling PETA.
This shit is nasty.
Don't blame Little Plug for human error.
A human didn't create this mess I just cleaned up.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - (PLUG WHIMPERS) - It's okay, Little Plug.
- (BARKING) - He didn't mean it.
Good boy! It's okay.
Reggie, he gonna clean that stuff up, but not me.
Look who's back.
Um, did you happen to leave a bag of carrots by the TV? Why would I come over here with a bag of carrots? Just process of elimination.
Hey, yo, Vern, man, Spencer's here.
Did he bring the carrots over before? Nah, he clean.
Had to be Nate big ass.
- He on a diet.
- Yeah, that's true.
Plug ate a bag of carrots and threw up all over the damn couch.
Here you go.
So, uh, what's up? Well, the donation booth has just reopened, so I'm gonna need you to grab that checkbook.
- All good, man.
- Okay, I got it.
I need you to know it's a risk.
Only way to reap the reward, right? Hey, I'm serious, Vernon.
It's not a sure thing you're gonna play again.
- Come on, Spence.
- I believe you will.
It's just not a sure thing, all right? I'm gonna do everything I can to pay you back.
I just can't guarantee it.
And I need you to be clear on that.
Might not play again, might not see my money back.
Look, I hear you.
It's all good.
- All good.
- How much you want? $5 million.