Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

( blues theme playing ) ( rumbling ) ( tires squeal ) Becker's here.
You know what I like about this place? Any time I walk in, there's always a seat.
Morning, John.
Yeah, you know-- You know what's killing this country? Those idiotic TV talk shows.
You know, I watched one last night.
I should have just stuck a fork in my eye.
You know, it's like America stepped in something and is scraping off its shoe directly over my TV set.
I'm telling you, Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, they're all broadcasting straight from hell.
You know, I watched one the other day.
I don't even know what the hell it was.
Apparently, some guy wanted to be a woman, so he chops it off.
Then he decides he likes chicks after all, so he becomes a lesbian.
Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere.
You know, Becker, you could have changed the channel.
I did.
I ran across a bisexual guy having a three-way with his aunt and his uncle.
I tell you, if I were his dog, I'd be on my toes.
Well, here's a wacky idea: turn it off.
Don't you get it, Reggie? He leaves the TV on so he can get upset.
Hey, nobody called on you.
It doesn't matter if you turn the set off.
The people are still in there.
Frankly, I like knowing exactly what they're up to.
Trust me on this one.
White trash; it's the only natural resource this country will never run out of.
You're really a miserable human being.
Doesn't mean I'm not right.
You know something? I'm sorry your father died.
You know, when he was running this place, he was a lot nicer to me than you are.
( scoffs ) My father was hard of hearing.
Just give me one of my cigarettes, will ya? Why don't you get a nicotine patch like the rest of the world? I tried one.
They're too hard to light.
Jake? Yeah.
You don't want people to know you're blind, you might wanna stare into that shiny metal part instead of directly at the napkin.
Oh.
Damn! Right.
( sighs ) So, uh, John, how much will you pay me not to go down to your office and tell Margaret you're still sneaking cigarettes, huh? How much will you pay me not to paint your white cane brown? You know, if you ever pick up a handicap, I'm gonna be all over you.
All right, John, I'll see you tomorrow.
And, Reggie, I'll see you for lunch.
Okay, Jake, have a nice day.
Yeah, well, I'd better hurry if I'm gonna get where I need to go.
Phew! Hey, John, you're killing me here.
Why don't you park that smelly, oil-burning heap of yours down the street, huh? You're just jealous, Jake, that you can't drive it.
Looks like he already did.
You know something? You both can go to hell.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go heal the sick and comfort the dying.
So, what do you think, that stethoscope is gonna stop people from seeing the stains on your shirt and the stubble on your face? The not-shaving is a look.
I saw it in a cologne ad.
As far as the clothes, what's the point? I can almost guarantee you by the end of the day some kid will have thrown up on me.
REGGIE: Well, then, it's true what they say.
Kids are wonderful judges of character.
Bite me.
You sure he's really a doctor? I mean, he's such an ass.
He's not just a doctor, he's a brilliant one.
As far as I can tell, that's his only flaw.
Otherwise, he'd be a perfect ass.
( blues theme playing ) ( indistinct chatter ) I know, I know, I know, I'm late.
You're late! And you forgot to shave.
No, I didn't.
It's a look.
Well, it's not a good look.
And you've been smoking.
I can smell it.
That's not true, Margaret.
It was Jake down at the newsstand.
He blew it all over me.
What was I gonna do, yell at a blind guy? John Becker, you're a damn liar.
Mrs.
Zellman's in 1.
Oh, perfect.
How's she doing today? All hands on deck? Well, she remembered her teeth.
Well, thank God for that.
Otherwise, it's like talking to a sock puppet.
Whoa, get back.
Back, back, back, back, back.
Mr.
Capelli's waiting in 2.
Yeah.
Marvin Johnson is in your office.
You wanna tell me why they're here, please? Not especially.
That's why I gave you their charts.
Aw, jeez! Mrs.
Zellman, put your clothes back on! You're here about an eye infection.
Serves you right for being late.
Hey, doc, how you doing? What? That diet I put you on.
The one you asked me for.
Right.
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear.
You have to do more than just read the piece of paper.
You've gained six pounds.
You sure about that, doc? 'Cause, you know, this sweater is pretty bulky.
Yeah, right.
It's the sweater.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna stand way over here, and I'm gonna give you my diagnosis, free of charge.
Your blood pressure's too high, your cholesterol's through the roof, and your legs are killing you.
But then why wouldn't they be? Look what they're trying to hold up.
Geez, doc, I kind of thought that-- Kind of thought what? That I'd give you a pat on that continent you call a butt? Tell you everything's gonna be fine and send you home? Whoa, whoa, aren't doctors supposed to be nice? Check out the Hippocratic Oath.
It doesn't mention nice.
Look, Mr.
Capelli, I like you.
More importantly, your wife and your kids probably love you.
So if you care about them at all, or, hell, if you just care about yourself, I want you to remember this one word: salad.
Hey, you can do this.
Morning, doctor.
Ah, yeah, good morning? Linda.
Right, right.
I knew it was something weird like that.
I know you said never to talk to you unless it was absolutely necessary-- Right.
--but I-I just wanna say thanks a lot for making me a nurse's aide.
I never thought I'd be a professional anything.
And this is way better than sweeping up hair at a beauty salon.
Although the fumes from those hair dyes can give you a pretty good buzz.
You know-- You know, this one time, I had a-- If you shut your mouth, it keeps the words from just falling out like that.
I know.
I know, I talk too much, and I'm working on that.
But you just don't know what it's like in here.
All these thoughts keep flying around, and I'm sensing a little hostility.
Go with that.
You mean--? I mean go.
Yeah.
Hey, doc? Yeah? What's this? Uhthat's called an ovary.
Don't worry about it.
You don't have one.
Where's your mother? She had to work, but my brother brought me.
Should I get him? No, no, that's all right.
You and I can have a little talk right here.
So, what's the deal? Well, M.
J.
, the deal kind of stinks.
Remember last week how we talked about good and bad blood cells? Yeah.
Well, the bad guys are-- Are winning.
You mean, my T cells are down again? Boy, you're getting the hang of this, aren't you? Uh, yes, they are, but I, uh-- I don't want you to worry about it, 'cause I'm gonna try to come up with something new for you.
I could use a new bike.
Nice try.
Um Okay, next week I want you to Oh, hell, you know the drill, don't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you okay? You don't look so good.
No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
Are you smoking again? Oh! Yeah, I'm-- I'm, uh-- I'm trying to quit.
It's just Hey, do me a favor, will you? Please, don't-- Don't tell Margaret.
Oh, yeah.
All right, what--? What are we talking? Candy or cash? ( blues theme playing ) ( exotic foreign music playing ) Hey, foreign guy! Do we have to go through this every night? Just finish killing your cat and go to sleep! Turn it off, or I call Immigration! ( music stops ) ( groans ) Dr.
Kagan, please.
"Whom may I say is calling?" Hey, just drop the Harvard attitude and tell him it's an old friend.
Lee, hey, it's Becker.
Uh, I know it's been a long time since I-- No, no, don't hang up.
Just-- I have no idea how your ex-wife is.
As of a year ago, she's my ex-wife too.
Yes, really.
Yeah, well, screw you too, you Ivy League quack.
Hey, can you do me a favor? Yeah, I've got a kind of tricky case here.
Yes, yes, me.
I got a-- I got an HIV-positive Uh, transfusion.
Yeah, the ice under this kid's getting pretty thin.
Look, I-- I-I'm afraid that I maybe missed something.
You know, some new treatment, some-- Some drug.
M-maybe there's a program you could, uh, get him into? Do me a favor, let me just fax-- Fax this chart to you, will you? Oh, come on, you owe me.
If I hadn't met your wife, you'd still be married to her.
You're welcome.
Yeah, please.
Thank you.
And get-- And get back to me quick, will ya? I wanna make sure this kid gets to his next birthday.
Yeah.
( blues theme playing ) Hey, man.
Spare change? You mean extra change? Money that if you weren't here, I'd just throw away? Uh No, man.
Spare change.
Oh, like a spare tire.
For when something goes wrong with my regular change? O-oh, no.
You're that doctor from over on Lester Avenue, aren't you? Forget it.
I don't need this.
Your reputation's growing, John.
These-- These car ads are such a crock.
You can't even buy a used car anymore.
They're all "previously owned", you know.
"Formerly experienced.
" "Well-serviced.
" If I added the word slut, you could be talking about my ex-wife.
You were married? Yeah.
Why? ( laughing ): Well ( laughs ) Who would--? I mean, why would--? So, what kind of car are you looking for? Basic transportation.
Something to get me from here to there.
Get a bicycle.
Uh-oh.
What?! They're inexpensive, great exercise and pollution-free.
Oh, yeah.
That's just what I wanna be: another schmuck riding down the street with a little bell and a stupid helmet, trying to save the environment.
Like my little two-wheeler's gonna make a difference in a city with 50 million cabs belching out toxic smoke.
Oh, little Timmy can't breathe, but don't worry, Becker's riding a bike.
I tried to warn you.
I swear, Becker, if you're not talking medicine, you're, like, just an idiot.
I think she likes you.
You know, just 'cause you're blind doesn't mean you have some sixth sense about these things.
It just means you're blind.
( blues theme playing ) ( whistling ) ( presses button ) ( pressing buttons ) So, Linda, just curious.
How long have you had the nipple ring? Uh, gee, what makes you think I even do? See, I-I-I just wondered what it would look like.
It looks like that.
That machine is not a toy.
If you keep x-raying your breasts, you're gonna grow a third one.
Would you like that? I've got all the trouble I can handle with these two.
Hello, doctor.
Uh, hello? Linda.
Right.
Did my, uh, friend from Harvard Med call back yet? No, not yet.
All right, uh, get M.
J.
's mom on the phone.
See how he's doing, will you, please? And then would you, uh--? Would you mind draining Mrs.
Salazar's boil? What did I do? Nothing.
I-I just found a car I'm interested in, and I wanna go check it out.
Oh, finally.
The only downside is dealing with those parasitic car salesmen.
I tell you, if there's one form of life on this planet-- Don't you start.
If you're trying to get me to choose between another one of your tirades and Mrs.
Salazar's infected behind, I'll take the butt.
( mouthing ) ( blues theme playing ) No, no! No more lies, Phil! We're over! You can go straight to hell! Hi, I'm Beverly Stone.
Can I help you? Uh, yeah.
Hello.
Now let's let that do it for the pleasantries, shall we? Now before we get started, let me say something.
I know all the gimmicks, all the angles.
There isn't anything you could say to me that I haven't heard before.
I've been sleeping with the manager of this place, and I just now found out that he's married.
In order to get even with him, I'm prepared to give you a deal on this car that you won't believe.
( mouths ) Well, I haven't heard that one.
What do you think? Think I'm an idiot.
Think I'm gonna fall for that? Sticker says 18-five.
I'll give you 16, not a penny more.
He told me he loved me.
You can go lower.
( stammers ) You--? You want me to pay less? Yes, I really wanna hurt him.
What do you mean? Like 15-five? We were talking about having kids.
Fourteen? Thirteen.
Sold.
No, no, no, wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Just Let I'm not saying yes.
But if I did, would you, uh, throw in a new set of tires? Absolutely.
Oh, wait a minute.
All right, all right, what's wrong with the car? Nothing.
Come on, what is it? What, is, uh, the engine block cracked? There is no engine? Was it a cab in Mexico City? Come on, what is it? There's nothing wrong with the car! ( crying ): He broke my heart.
Oh, no, don't-- ( sighs ) ( sobbing ) Th-- This is not working.
Can I talk to a man salesman, please? ( blues theme playing ) ( groans ) Okay.
I got the latest lab work in.
And to tell you the truth, M.
J.
's numbers are not quite as good as I was hoping for.
Maybe they're wrong, 'cause I feel pretty good.
M.
J.
, honey, why don't you--? I know.
You guys wanna talk about me.
So I'll go out and talk to that new girl.
She's weird.
I like that in a woman.
Now, M.
J.
, don't be rude.
He's right.
She is weird.
Mrs.
Johnson, I have to be honest with you.
M.
J.
needs better care than I can give him.
He needs a cutting-edge program, the newest treatments.
We don't have that kind of money.
Nobody does.
That's why hospitals name buildings after rich people.
Don't worry about it.
There are ways.
But where will I find a program like that? I already have.
A friend of mine-- Actually, he's, uh-- He's not really a friend.
It's more like we share custody of an ex-wife.
Anyway, uh, h-he's recommended a program downtown at Mount Sinai, and I really think that we should give it a try.
Now, I know that you work, so if you can't take him, I thought maybe that I-- Well, uh, you know, maybe somebody from this office could take him down.
And I promise not, uh ( snaps ) Linda? Right, Linda.
Jesus blessed us when he sent M.
J.
to you.
Yeah.
Jesus, right.
Uh, if you're gonna talk to him, you might wanna leave my name out of it.
We don't exactly have a great working relationship.
You gotta admit that if he's really sitting up there, uh, watching us, I think he fell asleep at the wheel, you know? I mean, how else could you explain how a disease like this could slip through the cracks, let alone--? Sorry.
Obviously, I have a little work to do in the faith department, so why don't I just, uh, say amen and shut up? Thank you, doctor.
You just may go to heaven whether you like it or not.
Thanks, that's the first time anyone's ever suggested I go in that direction.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Oh, John, your accountant just called.
He said to tell you that he transferred the money into your checking account for the new car.
Uh, you know, I changed my mind about the car.
Ahem.
I couldn't make a deal.
I knew it was too good to be true.
All right, I'll tell him to transfer the money back.
No, don't do that.
Uh, just keep it in checking.
I've got some expenses coming up.
What expenses? Just stuff, okay? Don't worry about it.
Okay, fine.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
M.
J.
's all squared away.
But there seems to be some mistake.
The hospital said that they would contact you personally for payment.
Is that what--? Yeah, that's-- That's okay.
Uh, thank you.
See you Monday.
( blues theme playing ) Hello, Reg.
I'll have a club sandwich, French fries and a cup of coffee.
No, make that a milkshake.
Chocolate.
Do you have any of that pie left over from yesterday? Oh, hi, Becker.
It's you.
I'm not getting my dinner, am I? I have a date.
Well, this isn't right.
Who goes out on a Friday night? Look, Becker, he's gonna be here any minute, and I don't wanna waste the first two hours explaining you.
Who is this guy? Wh-what's he do? Why do you care? I don't.
I-- You know, forget it.
Okay, well, if you must know.
He's a dentist.
A dentist? You're going out with a guy who couldn't even get into medical school? Good night, Becker.
All right, all right.
I'm not being fair.
Uh, you and your dentist go have a wonderful dinner, and I'll-- Let me just grab one of my smokes.
You know, when you came in, you soundeddifferent.
Almost, I don't know, happy.
Happy? Well, for you.
No, no, no, no.
No, just end of the week, that's all.
Well, have a good time.
Don't forget to floss.
( blues theme playing ) Would it have killed you to say something about the dress? ( blues theme playing )