Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Physician, Heal Thyself

( upbeat blues theme playing ) Up yours, Mr.
I'm not givin' ya a dime.
Do you believe that guy? He plays "Stairway to Heaven" on a kazoo, expects people to throw money at him.
Mornin', sunshine.
The usual coffee and a muffin? Or would you rather just chew someone's head off? Hey, I've earned the right to bitch.
You know, a window in my apartment's stuck open.
I can't get my super to fix it.
You know, I don't get it.
The guy can lash a dozen coconuts into a raft, paddle his way to freedom, but apparently, now it's too much effort to ride the elevator up to 3B and un-jam my window.
It's like a meat locker up there.
It really stiffens up my back.
And what do you do for that? I bungee jump.
It fixes it right up.
Not my problem.
Okay, Jake, let's get back to this.
Oh, here's an apartment for you.
"Two bedroom, wood floors, nice view.
" Well, a view's kind of a waste.
No, it's not.
A little wine, a little Miles Davis and me and a date looking out at the city lights.
Then I segue into the soulful blind guy: "You know, baby, what I miss most isn't the daytime.
It's the night.
" They don't make a better aphrodisiac.
Women actually fall for that? They fall quickly and often.
Just look for your own apartment.
Oh, here you go, Jake.
Here's someplace for you to live.
"Brand-new complex just outside the city.
" Listen to this: "Spacious accommodations, weight rooms, tennis courts.
" Oh, my mistake.
Wait, it's-- It's a prison.
Well You know, that's good 'cause I hate it when convicts get paroled and their backhands still need work.
And I suppose you think they should just be crammed into overcrowded hellholes.
Becker, it's a known fact that treating prisoners humanely has made crime go down.
Oh, let me get my doctor bag and treat your bleeding heart.
You know, for your information, crime is not down.
Oh, of course it is.
You read about it every day in the paper.
What's your problem? Can't you admit when you're wrong? Becker? Hey, hey, shut up, will ya? For your information, when I'm wrong, I freely admit it.
My first two marriages, dead wrong.
Another time I thought I was wrong, turns out I wasn't.
So I was wrong about that.
Now, I'd love to stay and set you straight, but I gotta go heal the sick.
Do you really heal the sick or do you just harangue the disease out of the person like an exorcism? No, as a matter of fact, I treat the disease with kindness and understanding so that it can come back into society and lead a productive life robbing convenience stores for drug money.
Have a nice day.
Oh, I hate it when he's like that.
What, smug? No, breathing.
Come on, Margaret, dump your stiff of a husband and run away with me.
I hear offers, but I don't see gifts.
Here you go.
To my favorite occupant.
You expect me to dump my husband for toothpaste? Where are the big-ticket items? Fabric softeners, breakfast cereals? I can be had, but I cannot be had cheap.
Just knowing you can be had is enough for me.
( giggling ) Hey, Archie, Veronica, it's a doctor's office, not the malt shop.
Hi, Dr.
Goodbye, Margaret.
( giggling ) Does Louis know about Ed? Oh, grow up.
Mike Delaney is in 2.
BECKER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have never been as disappointed with another person in all my life.
What are you talkin' about? You and Ed.
You're all over each other.
And you a married woman and Ed a married mailman.
Oh, that is nothing.
It's just a little game that we play.
If there is one thing I know, it's when there's sexual tension in the air.
That, and when someone's cooking bacon.
I can smell that a mile away.
But that's not the point.
The point is, you're always trying to tell me about right and wrong.
And all I can say is this is wrong.
Linda, there is nothing-- Ah-uh, ah-uh, uh.
You know, a lot of times, migraines are caused by stress.
Anything unusual going on in your life, Mike? No, nothing.
Like yesterday, I worked my normal shift, busted a few bad guys, went home, played horsy with the kids, ate dinner, played horsy with the wife.
About an hour later, you know, "boom," it's like my head is gonna explode.
Well, there are a lot of things we can do for it.
Uh, a new drug called Imitrex out there they're having a lot of success with.
Let-- Let me ask you something, though.
You're-- You're a cop, you probably know the answer to this.
Is crime down? Oh, yeah, definitely.
Damn, damn.
I mean, uh-- I mean how great for-- For everybody.
( clears throat ) I mean, not all of us.
It gets much lower, they start laying off cops.
Oh, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute.
So y-- You're saying that if the crime rate were significantly down, they-- They would be laying off cops.
It's not that simple.
So conversely, if no cops are being laid off, then the crime rate isn't really lower.
Are you trying to give me a headache? No, no, no.
I'm just trying to get my facts straight, here.
So crime really isn't down? It's gonna go up if I don't get that prescription.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, sorry.
Uh, let me just Ugh, damn it.
Just give me a minute, here, Mike.
So crime is up.
That's great, that's great.
Margaret, we've run out of prescription pads again.
If you'd spend less time hitting on the mailman-- Just stop it right there.
Ed is just a friend, that's all.
And you're the one who locked the pads in your desk so the junkies would stop breaking in and stealing them.
I swear, every time your back goes out, you go storming around here barking orders like some hemorrhoidal drill sergeant.
So why don't you just do us all a big favor and get some help? Hey What's her problem? She's upset.
I just had to give her a little talking-to.
Uh, excuse me, I was told I could find a Jake Malinak here.
He's a visually challenged African-American gentleman.
If that means he's a blind black guy, that's me.
Thank you.
Malinak, I'm Francine Klein from Progressive Real Estate.
I'm gonna shake your hand now.
Knock yourself out.
( chuckles ) Here is my card.
Oh, look at this, business cards in Braille.
I'm-- I'm impressed.
Well, I work with many differently-abled people.
I'm gonna take your arm now.
( chuckling ) Okay.
I must say, you seem very comfortable with your blindness.
You do what you have to.
And most people are very nice.
Hey, Jake, knocking off early, aren't you? What is it, Ray Charles' birthday? And then again, some aren't.
Hey, Reg, cup of coffee to go, please.
You got it.
So, what's up? Not crime.
Excuse me? I've got proof, Becker.
Stats, graphs, pie charts right over from the DA's office.
"Over the last five years, crime has dropped 48 percent.
" See? You were wrong.
And not just a little wrong.
You're all wrong.
You're like a wrong-a-holic.
Look, I get my information from the cop on the street.
This is from the DA's office.
What do you expect 'em to say, crime is up? It'll make 'em look bad.
What is your problem? Can't you ever admit you're wrong? Is your ego that fragile? You know somethin', Reg? Doing the quiz in Cosmo does not make you a psychologist.
Now, as I'm the only one here with a medical background, I gotta say that you seem a little obsessed, as if diminishing me would somehow elevate you.
Now, I'd look into that if I were you.
Hey, get back here.
You're not getting the last word on this.
Oh, violence.
Crime is definitely up.
( phone ringing ) I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hello? No, this is not the Suicide Hotline.
What's your problem, man? Can't you even dial a phone? Oh, God, what have I--? Hello, hello, I'm sorry.
( loud traditional Indian music playing ) Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not listening to this.
Oh, damn super.
He still hasn't fixed the window.
( grunting ) Oh.
Oh, no.
( moaning ) ( ringing ) Hello? Oh, John, what's wrong? Oh, I'm sorry.
I would help you, but it's Friday night.
It would take me hours to get up to the Bronx.
What do you mean, what else am I doing? I am home with my husband Louis.
I don't care what you and Linda say, there is nothing going on between me and Ed, the mailman.
Believe me, I have all the romance I need right here at home.
( Louis gurgling ) ( moans ) ( ringing ) Hello? Hey, John, what's going on? You okay? Oh, I would if I could, but I'm feeling really sick.
I've been in bed all afternoon.
Yeah, thanks for understanding.
All right, sorry.
Honey, I'm a bad man.
( giggles ) Oh, man.
Yeah, in the Bronx, please.
I want the number for a Reggie Kostas.
Actually, I don't want it, but I'm afraid I need it.
So you've been lying on the floor of your apartment with the door open and you still haven't been robbed.
That fact alone should convince you that crime is down.
You've got a real mean streak, you know that? Nice place.
I'm impressed.
I always figured you lived below ground.
I was so afraid you wouldn't like it.
You know, just give me a hand here, will ya? In a minute.
You're not going anywhere.
It's freezing in here.
Yeah, well, the window's stuck.
I'm waiting.
Hey, you're actually smiling in this picture.
Who's the woman? She's pretty.
My ex-wife.
Where is she now? A house fell on her sister.
I haven't seen her since.
Come on, just help me up here, will you, please? Oh, all right.
Put me down! Put me down! ( moaning ) You know something, you missed your calling.
You should be working in a women's prison.
All right, all right, let's try this again.
Just easy, easy this time.
Well, faster than this.
Now put me on the couch.
Put me on the couch, put-- ( groans ) Thank you.
Anything else? Just get me some Darvon from above the sink, will ya, please? Interesting.
What do you keep in your bookshelves, soup? Quit snooping around.
Just bring the pill, please.
So I assume you've been to a doctor about this? A doctor.
Gee, why didn't I think of that? Yes, I've been to doctors.
Have you ever considered any alternative medicine? Oh, that's just what I need, some fairy dust from some New Age chicken spanker.
How can you be such a skeptic? I have to be a skeptic.
I-I can't tell a patient to go get a Fruit Loop colonic and everything will be fine.
You know, who comes up with these wack job treatments anyway? You don't believe in that voodoo stuff, do ya? As a matter of fact, I go to an acupuncturist for neck pain.
It works wonders.
Oh, yeah, well, it may work for your neck, but this-- This back thing of mine is chronic, you know.
It's gonna have to work itself out.
Who super-glued the top on? Every time you need a pill like this, they make the bottle impossible to open.
Where do you get all the anger? Do you have an extra bile duct or something? Just give it to me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
No, I got it.
Ow! Oh! Oh! Are you okay? No.
What should I do? I don't know.
I could call my acupuncturist.
I'd rather die first.
What was that? Okay.
Don't help me.
Don't help me.
I'm fine.
Oh, look at this.
Lanterns, incense, beaded curtains.
The only thing missing are ducks hanging in the window.
Help me.
Help me.
Oh, perfect.
Look at that, will ya? Hello, Reggie.
Thank you so much for seeing us.
Becker, Dr.
Chang, your worst nightmare.
So, what seems to be the problem? Whoa, whoa, wait a second.
I want you to know that I've read a lot about acupuncture.
I know for a fact there's no conclusive proof that it works.
Okay, then, good night.
Ho-- Ho-- Ho-- Whoa.
Where you going? Dr.
Becker, if you don't believe acupuncture works, it won't work.
Oh, don't go all inscrutable on me.
REGGIE: Very nice.
Can't you stop being yourself for five minutes? Fine, fine, fine.
Help me, will ya? It's the, uh, sciatic nerve, you know.
A little inflammation of the meniscus.
Particularly since the meniscus is in your knee.
Now, if the anatomy quiz is over, perhaps we can get on with the treatment.
No, no, hold-- H-hold on a second.
I see a lot of paper fans on the wall, but I don't see any degrees.
Premed Cornell.
Johns Hopkins Med School.
Five years at Beijing University.
Oh, really? Well, I went to Harvard.
I taught at Harvard.
Great, now, if you two are done measuring, can we get to the needles? Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Treatment rooms are this way.
( quietly ): Yeah.
What are you waiting for? Follow him.
Help me.
Well, faster than this.
Hi, Margaret, how are you today? Hi, Ed.
Gee, your husband is a fine-lookin' man.
Such trusting eyes.
Oh, will you stop it? Hey, Margaret, got a surprise for ya.
Raisin Bran.
Oh, thank you, Ed.
Is anything wrong? No, just busy.
Well, goodbye.
Ed, wait.
Sure, what is it? Ed, when we, you know, uh, kid around with each other, it is just kidding around, right? Well, of course, I mean, the-- The gifts, the way we talk, that's just-- You didn't think it was something else? Oh, no, no, I didn't.
I was just afraid maybe you did.
Oh, not me.
I just thought we were having fun.
I love my wife.
Well, not always, but-- Well, I-- I love my husband most of the time.
Well, where did you get the idea that what was going on between us was "going on" between us? Oh, it's not important.
Ed, I'm sorry.
I'm not.
'Cause that means that someone actually thought that we were fooling around.
How cool is that? Oh.
Very cool.
Hey, Margaret, I'm gonna step out for a second.
I'll be right back.
That's all right, I got it.
Oh! Your back seems to be a lot better.
What did you do for it? Acupuncture.
Really? You think all that stuff is garbage.
I do.
I mean, I did.
I mean You know, I'll-- I'll see you later.
So, Margaret, you say his back is fine? Acupuncture, really? That's very good to know.
Thank you.
Reg? Reg? ( pops lips ) How you doing, Jake? All right.
Uh, listen, about the other night, I'm really sorry I couldn't be there for you.
Oh, that's all right.
That's all right.
E-everything worked out.
Hey, did y-- Did you find an apartment? No, but I found a realtor I'm very happy with.
Hey, Becker.
Thought I smelled you out here.
So how's your back? Oh, well, you know, it's not that much better, really.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, you know.
And I really thought the acupuncture would help.
Well, don't beat yourself up.
Your heart was in the right place.
Thanks for helping me, though, Reg.
Hey, I'd have been there for you, man.
I-- I just had a cold.
I know that, man.
That's all right.
You know, I really admire your dedication, Becker.
You know, feeling the way you do and putting in a full day at the office.
Yeah, well, when you're a doctor, you take an oath.
Promise to help people.
Their pain comes first.
Okay, John, I lied.
All right, I wasn't sick.
I just didn't wanna come and help you.
What? You're my friend and you lied to me? I was in bed with the real estate lady.
Well, that's different.
No problem, man.
Uh, see you later.
See you later.
Oh, by the way, Becker, I called your office, you know, to see how you were, and Margaret told me that the acupuncture worked, and that your back was fine.
She did? Oh.
Well, uh, you know something? She's right.
It is feeling a little better.
Maybe now you'd like to tell me you're wrong.
Boy, you just can't let it go, can ya? Yeah, I-I feel sorry for you, Reg, I really do.
W-- Is it that important to you to hear me say those words, even though you know I'd be doing it just to get you off my back? I mean, would that kind of hollow victory mean that much to ya? Yes.
Yes, it would.
Sorry, can't help ya.
And crime's up.
What I wouldn't give to hear a screech and a thump right about now.
( tires screech ) BECKER: You missed me, ya bastard.
( upbeat blues theme playing )