Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - The Film Critic

Ugh! No, don't.
Oh.
So anyway, last night I just roll over in bed and I ask him.
I say, "Raymundo, did you sleep with her?" And he's all, "Oh, I swear, baby, I never touched her.
I know she's your sister, but she's a lying whore.
" Shh! Look, Fred, there's our building.
- No, it's not.
It's Artie's building.
- No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
I know Artie - Do you mind? Please.
Hello? Yeah.
I'm at the movies.
No, it's not a bad time.
I don't know if it's still good.
Smell it.
And he's all, "You never complained when I was married to your sister" Just throw it out.
Just throw it out in the trash.
I don't need it.
What the hell is the matter with you people? This is a movie.
You're here to listen to the actors talk.
That's why the seats face the screen and not each other.
So you, you know, divorce Raymundo.
You two divorce each other.
And if you wanna talk on your phone, do what everybody else does, go to a restaurant.
And for the rest of you, shut the hell up so I can watch this damn movie in peace.
Sometimes I feel like the last civilised person in this city.
You know, all I wanted to do was go to the movies.
I barely get past the opening credits before every schmuck in the theatre decides to host his own talk show.
I finally just had to walk out.
You know, whatever happened to common courtesy? I swear, people have absolutely no regard for anybody but themselves.
All right, let me guess here.
You wanted to save a nickel, so you went to the bargain matinee.
- So? - Heh, heh.
So? That was your first mistake.
Matinees bring out the rabble.
Your low-rent types, your hardcore unemployable.
Not to mention all those old pudding junkies who barely know they've left the house.
Spend a buck.
Go later in the day.
Weed out the riffraff.
Yeah, you gotta admit, John, when it comes to riffraff, he's the man.
- So, what movie was it anyway? - Lethal Vision.
Oh, I saw that movie.
It's incredible.
Didn't you love the ending where the guy's? Hey, hey.
I just said I haven't seen it yet.
I haven't either.
Well, you know, first, everybody talks during the movie, now you wanna ruin the ending.
You know, there used to be a moviegoers' code of conduct.
You shut up in the movie, you shut up about the movie.
And, Bob, as a general rule, just shut up.
Hey, where's my coffee? Reg, coffee.
Don't yell at me, Becker.
You want coffee? Finish his.
I've gotta get to school for registration.
I wanna sign up for this really easy art history class.
If I don't get there soon, I'll never get in.
Fine.
I'll just smoke my cigarette.
Ten fewer minutes of a life I'm not thrilled about anyway.
Listen, Jake, I don't know how long this is gonna take, so if I don't come back, close up for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, Reg.
You might not have to go down to school at all.
What are you talking about? I was taking a look at your course catalogue here.
It says that handicapped students get their pick of classes and they don't have to wait in the line.
- So? - So as luck would have it Your luck, not his.
- You happen to have a handicapped friend.
- Screw you, Bob.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Specially-abled.
Like it takes a special ability to walk into a lamppost.
Look, all I'm saying is, send Blindylocks here in your place and let him sign you up.
Forget it, Bob.
Reg would never ask me to do anything like that.
Right, Reg? Right, Reg? Well, I really need this course.
And you could go right to the front of the line.
Come on, Jake, use your powers for good.
So you want me to use my handicap to make myself an object of pity, to humiliate myself just so you can scam your way through registration? Oh, gee, that'd be great.
Look, Louis, I am not gonna keep going home and making dinner if you're not gonna be there.
But this is the third night this week.
What do you mean, you don't wanna talk about it? Fine, if you don't wanna talk about it, then we won't talk about it.
But believe me, when I get home, we're gonna talk about it.
So, Margaret, it's not like I overheard a phone call or anything, but I'm sensing that there's a problem with you and Louis.
- Do you wanna talk about it? - Linda, there is nothing to talk about.
Hey, I hear you.
I hate it when something's bothering me and people won't - Leave me alone.
- Exactly.
Like they think it's gonna make me feel better even though I say - I don't wanna talk about it.
- Exactly.
- Because when I'm upset - Linda, I don't wanna talk about it.
Now leave me alone.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Okay, Linda, who's up? Something's going on between Margaret and Louis.
She's really upset, and I think she needs to talk about it.
But remember, you didn't hear it from me.
There are only three of us in this office.
Who else would I have heard it from? Damn.
Mr.
Thalasinos is in 2.
Margaret, Linda says you have something you wanna talk about.
She's wrong.
I don't.
Well, there you go.
Problem solved.
Oh, don't schedule anything for me after 4:00.
I'm leaving early to go to the movies.
Didn't you go to the movies? - Yeah, long story.
What movie are you gonna see? - Lethal Vision.
- Oh, that's a great movie.
Especially when you get to the surprise ending - where the guy's hanging - Hey, hey! You say one more word about that movie, you're gonna have a surprise ending.
Don't you just hate it when you buy a T-shirt and the instructions are in French? I hurt my back.
I couldn't get my shirt off.
- What happened? - Well, I was playing basketball.
You? All right, I was watching basketball.
It was an exciting game, and I fell off the couch.
- Let's take a look.
Spin around.
- All right.
- All right.
- Mm-hm.
- Does that hurt there? - No.
- What about here? - No.
Hey, I heard you saying you were going to see Lethal Vision.
Yeah, but don't tell me anything about it.
Oh, don't waste your time.
It sucks.
That big surprise ending, with the guy hanging up on the Hey, hey, I just said that I don't wanna hear anything about it.
Yeah, I don't wanna know the ending.
Well, you don't have much choice.
Because you can see it coming a mile away that the killer is That's it.
That's the spot.
- You sure? - Oh, yeah.
You gonna stop talking about the movie? - Because I could check it again.
- Oh, no, that's it.
All right.
Look, I think you just pulled a muscle, but I wanna take a couple of x-rays to be sure.
Follow me.
Aren't you gonna help me with my shirt? No.
God, you're more sadistic than that doctor in the movie who operates on Ow! Hey, Reg.
Finally.
Jake, where have you been? You left hours ago.
Oh, so you were worried something happened to me? Yeah, right.
So did you get me into that class? Okay, now, don't be mad, but, no, I couldn't get you that class.
- Oh, crap.
- I mean, look, it was crowded.
And those college kids were pushing and shoving like animals.
By the time I figured out where I was supposed to be, well, I'm sorry, I was too late.
All right.
I guess I shouldn't have asked you to begin with.
I'll go down there myself.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Becker, don't even ask.
I don't have time to cook you anything.
You know, ever since I started not eating here, I'm feeling a lot better.
I just came to get a candy bar for the movies.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay those thieves 8 bucks for a box of Raisinets.
See you.
Wait a minute.
Where do you think you're going? I heard you stuffing your pockets with candy.
- I'll pay you later.
- No, you won't.
Look, I don't have time to argue with you.
I'm trying to catch a 4:00 showing of Lethal Vision.
- You're gonna give it another try, huh? - Damn right I am.
I'm gonna go to that theatre, I'm gonna pay my money again, and I'm gonna have the quiet, civilised, satisfying movie-going experience to which I'm entitled.
Reg, can I get some coffee today or is nothing still the special? You can get anything you want.
Just don't expect decent service until May.
What happens in May? New ownership? No, that's when my school semester ends.
By the time I got to registration, the art history class was filled.
All I could choose from was another psych class or a seminar on William Blake.
Ah, William Blake.
Nineteenth-century English poet.
Famous painter.
And if I recall, wrote the British national hymn.
I'll take boring for a hundred, Alex.
My point was, I was trying to give myself a break this semester, but now I'll be working twice as hard as I was last term.
Well, I feel for you, Reg, but I gotta be honest, the only bitching I can tolerate this early is my own.
Get out of my way.
Hey.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a guy named Jake.
I think he works here.
Oh, he's not in yet.
Can I help you? Mm, no, I was just in the neighbourhood.
I thought I'd stop by.
We're going to dinner tonight.
Oh, I'm Shannon, by the way.
- Reggie.
- Hi.
Hi.
So where'd you meet Jake? Oh, at my college registration.
Really? He didn't mention meeting anyone.
Well, yeah.
Oh, he did the nicest thing for me.
See, uh, he got the last spot in this one art history class I needed.
- But then - Excuse me.
- Did you say art history? - Yeah.
Anyway, when I told him how much I needed it, he just gave it to me.
Wasn't that sweet? Yeah, sweet.
I know.
My heart just went out to him.
I mean, it's tough enough getting through school.
I can't even imagine trying to handle it being blind.
Well, I'll see you.
You know, Shannon Ah.
I probably shouldn't say anything.
No, you know what, I should.
You deserve to know.
Jake isn't really blind.
- What? - Oh, it's a scam.
The glasses, the cane, he bumps into stuff.
Women think he's helpless, and they just melt.
Oh, you're kidding.
Well, how long does he usually keep this up? Well, usually until he His words, not mine.
- Closes.
What a pig.
Well, listen, you can tell him for me that he can go straight to hell.
Wouldn't you rather tell him yourself? Like, I don't know, after a really expensive dinner? Oh, yeah, that's good.
Thanks.
Mm, if you shoot at the queen, you'd better kill her.
Doctor's office.
Oh, hi, Louis.
That's why I didn't answer it.
I'm glad you called.
John is leaving early, so if you want, maybe we could go to You're going out with your friends again? Louis, what is going on? Fine.
Call if you're gonna be late.
- If you really wanna talk about it - I don't wanna talk about it.
Dr.
Becker, I'm so worried about Margaret and Louis.
And now she really doesn't wanna talk about it.
So I think you know what you should do.
Yes, I do.
Go to the movies.
But Margaret is upset, and that's way more important than that stupid Lethal Vision movie.
Big surprise ending.
So what? - The guy hanging - Hey, hey, hey.
What is it with everyone? It used to be when people went to the movies, they didn't talk about it.
You know, when Hitchcock made Psycho, they had signs in the lobby warning people not to talk about the movie.
And you know what? They didn't.
That way nobody knew that Tony Perkins dressed up as his mother and killed all those people.
So you're telling me that you like movies where men dress up in women's clothing? That has nothing to do Ugh.
Yeah, Linda, yeah, right.
I love movies about cross-dressing killers.
Well, then you're gonna love Lethal Vision.
Margaret, I just want you to know, if you need somebody to talk to, I'm here for you.
- I don't need to talk.
- Oh, thank God.
I only got about five minutes to get to the movie.
- You're going to the movies? - Yeah.
- What are you gonna see? - Lethal Vision.
But don't tell me anything about it.
No, I wasn't going to.
I haven't seen it either.
In fact, I was gonna ask if I could go with you.
- Oh, Margaret - Maybe that just what I need.
A nice quiet movie to take my mind off things.
All right.
You did say quiet movie.
Yeah, I just wanna sit in the dark and escape into someone else's life.
You are, Margaret.
You're escaping into mine.
Insurance.
- John.
- Shh, no.
I just wanna say I'm sorry for being so moody lately.
Okay, okay, great.
Just Shh! There's just a lot going on at home.
There's a lot going on up there.
Hey, come on, be quiet.
I know, I know.
Don't worry.
Louis and I are really having problems.
Now you have to talk about it? I mean, you've waited this long, wait another two hours.
Do you mind? He's distant.
He's moody.
He's almost never at home.
Well, maybe it's because you talk too much.
Hey, you know, you gotta cut her a little slack here.
You know, she's having problems.
I'm sorry, John.
I'm fine now.
Good.
It's all right.
She's fine.
Shh! Come on, come on.
I wanna see this movie as much as you do.
But the woman's in pain, you know.
Don't you have any compassion for any other people's feelings? John, John, it's okay.
Be quiet.
Yeah, John.
Shut up.
Please, please don't do this.
Don't you know any better than to talk during the movies? There's a reason the seats face the screen instead of each other.
That's mine.
I'm the one who says that.
I say it all the time.
Ask anyone.
- I'm always saying that.
I am.
Shh! - John, let's go.
- No, no, no, I'm staying here.
I wanna see this movie.
John, please, you're causing a scene.
- Let's go.
- Well, it's just not fair.
I never talk in the movies.
As a matter of fact, if you hear "shh" in a movie, it's probably me.
I'm the good one.
I'm the polite one.
I mean, whatever happened to common courtesy? You know, when Hitchcock made Psycho Jake, I'm sorry.
When I suggested that restaurant, I had no idea it would be so expensive.
Oh, that's okay.
It wasn't that the restaurant cost so much, it was, well, all the food you ordered.
Well, the steak was a little overdone, you know Oh, it's a good thing you had that 7-pound lobster.
Well, you have to admit it went great with that second bottle of champagne.
I'll be honest, I've never seen anyone, man or woman, eat that much.
Ha, ha.
I bet there's a whole lot you haven't seen, huh, Jake? Um, maybe I should have mentioned this before, but whenever we get to a kerb, if you could let me know, that would really be a big help.
Oh, come on.
How long are you gonna keep this up pretending to be blind? What are you talking about? I am blind.
Let me tell you something.
This is one deal you are never gonna close, okay? And get rid of this stupid cane and these dumb glasses.
Hey, what are you doing? I need those.
Please.
Reggie told me everything.
Reggie? Oh.
Screw you, Jake.
Shannon.
Shannon.
Uh-oh.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Hey, what, are you blind? - Yes! Every marriage goes through a bad week or two.
But that's what I'm trying to tell you, John.
It hasn't just been for the last few days.
I haven't said anything, but things at home haven't been good for a very long time.
We don't go out, we don't talk.
And when it comes to the bedroom, l No, no, no, let's just leave it at things aren't good at home.
Cretin.
I just don't know what's going on.
- Have you asked him? - Of course I've asked him.
He said he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're just gonna have to tell him how you feel.
I feel angry.
I feel confused.
I feel Ionely.
I feel I said, tell him how you feel.
Oh, you're right.
I'm just gonna have to go and deal with this situation.
Taxi.
Oh, John, that was kind of weird in there.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
You seemed really wound up.
Well, you know, Margaret, there used to be something called a moviegoers' code of conduct Mm-hm.
Well, there was.
Hey, Jake.
What are you doing here? - John, is that you? - Yeah.
You all right? You don't look so good.
Well, all I can tell you is never lie to Reggie.
Ever.
Ever.
Where am I, anyway? Uh, outside the theatre.
I went to go see Lethal Vision again.
- Oh, yeah? How'd you like it? - I have no idea.
You know, so far, I've paid 23 bucks for a movie I haven't seen.
That's nothing.
I just paid 200 for a dinner I didn't eat.
Oh.
Well, uh, listen, I'm sorry.
I've gotta go.
For some reason I still wanna see this damn movie.
Well, you mind if I come along? Oh, well, sure.
Yeah, okay.
Hang on.
- What happened to your cane? Oh, you don't wanna know.
What's going on? Car chase.
Who fired the gun? Bad guy.
Who'd he shoot at? Good guy.
Did he hit him? Come on.
John? John?