Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Heart Breaker

Ah, who's up? Oh, you're not gonna believe this.
Mr.
Brown is in One with something gross.
And Mrs.
Gross is in Two with something brown.
Thanks for the heads up.
Doctor's office.
Oh, yes, Mrs.
Fouts.
You want an appointment at 4 on Wednesday? Oh, 4 is no good.
That's when Dr.
Becker takes his nap.
Oh, yeah, 5 is no good either.
- He wakes up really cranky.
- Ah.
Mrs.
Fouts, 4:00 is fine.
See you then.
What are you up to? If I tell you, will you let me do it? No questions asked? Okay, here's the thing.
I signed up for a 5:00 spinning class at my gym.
- Spinning? - Yeah, it's an exercise.
You get on a bicycle, listen to really loud music, while this gay guy screams at you.
Oh, that would be just perfect except for one thing.
Let's see, what was that? Oh, uh Oh, yes.
You have a job.
Okay, but the next time I screw up And I will.
- Let it be on your head.
Hi.
Is Dr.
Becker in? Well, he's with a patient right now.
Can I help you? Yes, my name's Darcy Thompson, and he and I have a date tonight.
A date? - With John Becker? Yes.
And, unfortunately, I need to push it back half an hour.
Ha, ha, oh, well, I will just be happy to give him that message.
- You're so nice, thank you.
- Ha, ha.
No problem.
Can you set up an EKG for Mr.
Brown, please? Oh, sure, I'd be glad to.
Oh, and you got a message from somebody named Darcy.
Uh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, right, right, right, Darcy.
She's an old lady actually in my building.
She, uh Poor dear's got some hip trouble.
Oh, well, she looked pretty hip to me.
Almost like a beautiful 25-year-old.
She was here? Uh-huh.
Ha, ha.
Oh, and your date's been pushed back half an hour.
All right, fine, you busted me.
All right, are you happy? But she's not 25.
She happens to be 27.
- And a half.
Ha, ha.
So where did you two meet? - Chuck E.
Cheese? - Don't Yes, as a matter of fact, she happens to be one of the lawyers that handled that car accident I witnessed about a month ago.
- Remember that? - Oh.
I didn't know you could chase an ambulance on a tricycle.
Ha, ha.
As a matter of fact, you know, Darcy and I have a lot in common.
Like what? I don't know.
We just started going out.
Give me a break, will you? You know, you wanna know the truth? She asked me out.
Oh, was that before or after you lured her to your car with candy? Reg, you're in big trouble.
Word on the street is, Denise Shaw saw you flirting with her boyfriend.
Denise Shaw? - From high school? Yeah.
Anyway, seems you were at the hardware store where she works, and she saw you putting the moves on her boyfriend.
So now Miss Shaw has you stuck in her craw.
What? It's a clever turn of phrase.
Oh, I'm wasted on you people.
I would never flirt with her boyfriend.
I don't know where she got that stupid idea.
Well, you must have made her jealous somehow.
Okay, did you do that little thing you do when you want a guy to ask you out? - What little thing? - Give him your number.
Shut up.
Anyway, Bob's advice, stay out of that hardware store.
Denise is really pissed.
Well, I'd be pissed too if I worked in a hardware store.
I mean, what kind of loser job is that? Good morning.
Reg, coffee, please.
Oh, in a minute.
Have a seat.
You and I have some business to take care of.
Oh, yeah? What are you talking about? Well, I hear you have a girlfriend.
You should have her drop by.
- I have a booster seat.
- Ah.
Yeah.
So Margaret called you, huh? Well, me and four others.
Now I'm supposed to call five people.
So Becker's taking a walk down Sesame Street.
Yeah, looks like Oscar the Grouch has a girlfriend.
Always fun when the seals at the zoo get a new ball.
Give me some coffee, will you? Not so fast, Becker.
When I dated that college kid, you gave me all kinds of crap.
Now it's payback time.
So, what do you two talk about? Who's the cutest Backstreet Boy? Yeah.
Listen, Reg How she did at soccer practise? - Look, l - How hard long division is? I agree with you.
I'm a walking cliché.
Come on.
This is no fun if you don't get upset.
You know, she asked me out.
What was I supposed to do? You know, tell her that the woman who pours my coffee doesn't approve? You know, for your information, my younger woman is incredible.
Your little boy was a joke.
Oh, just when I thought they retired your jersey, turns out you're still a player.
- Yeah, Bob has a newfound respect.
- Ha, ha.
This isn't fair.
I date a younger guy, everybody thinks I'm some desperate cradle robber.
But Becker does it, and he's your hero.
Well, that's because we're guys.
You're just perpetuating a sexist double standard.
That's what guys do.
So I was running late for court, I pull up, and some guy is parked across two spaces.
So you double-parked and blocked him in, right? - Well, you gotta send a message.
- Damn right.
I love this place.
Reminds me of when I was in law school and had no money.
Oh, yeah.
Just because Ming's prices are low doesn't mean he doesn't use real meat.
See, it says so right there.
Anything else, Dr.
Becker? No, that's fine, Ming.
- You're Ming? - No, I'm Bill.
I bought this place from Ming a couple of years ago.
So he calls you Ming because? Well, apparently, we Asians all look alike.
So your niece here enjoy her meal? She's not my niece.
She's my date.
Get the hell out of here.
So, what happened? Did you have old man on your list for the scavenger hunt? Hey, I tell you what, when two people eat here, it really adds up.
What, no, uh? Ah, there it is.
The coupon.
You know, John, this whole age thing doesn't matter to me.
I don't look at this as dating a 50-year-old.
I look at it as dating you.
Huh.
Boy, I wish I'd met you Of course, if I had, you still wouldn't have been born for another three years.
You know, I don't have to be in court tomorrow until 11.
Oh, good.
Any chance you have a bottle of wine at your place? Wine, no.
Actually, I don't, ahem.
- Do you have beer? - Uh, no.
- You have any water? - Well, of course I have water.
Oh, oh.
You just wanna go back to my place.
Yeah, but thank you for making it as awkward as possible.
I'm sorry, it's It's just that I haven't done this for, ahem Done this for a while.
- Oh, jeez.
- You okay? Yeah.
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Just all of a sudden, got a little flush.
- I got some chest pains here.
- Should I call someone? No, no, no, not chest pains.
It's more of a pain in the chest there.
Yeah, you know, I think it's just heartburn, you know.
I'm a doctor.
I know what I'm talking about.
Oh, you know, maybe we could make it an early night though.
- Is that all right with you? - Oh, um Sure.
- There'll be others.
- Yeah.
At least, I hope there will be.
Come on, Margaret, why can't I leave early? You're always saying I don't do anything.
What's the difference if I do an hour less of it? All right, if you really wanna leave at 4, why don't you come in an hour early.
An hour early? That's like 9:00.
- That's like 8:00.
- Oh.
- Hi, Bob.
- Salt.
Pepper.
So, Reg, I just ran into Denise Shaw again, and I tried to smooth things out between you two.
Bob, there's nothing to smooth out.
Just leave it alone.
It's too late.
She said some very unkind things.
But don't worry, I stuck up for you.
What did you tell her? All that stuff you said about her being stupid, not wanting her boyfriend, her being a loser.
You don't talk like that to Denise Shaw.
She's a psycho.
In ninth grade, she stuck a pencil in my arm just for fun.
You should have thought of that before you hit on her boyfriend.
Because according to her, your ass And I'm just quoting here.
- Is grass.
Well, what am I supposed to do now? I think the best thing you can do is to just lay low.
For God's sake, keep your mouth shut.
You keep my mouth shut.
Jake.
Well, if it isn't Close Encounters with the Third Grade.
Get away from me, will you, Bob? Hey, you sound a little cranky, John.
I thought sleeping with a 27-year-old might mellow you out.
Well, I wouldn't know.
We didn't sleep together.
I had a little problem.
- You know, they got pills for that.
- You're not Hell, you're a doctor.
You've got pills for that.
- Didn't I tell you to go away? - Hey, I'm just buying gum.
- I'll pay you later, Jake.
- Yeah.
It wasn't that kind of problem.
You know, after we ate, I got these chest pains.
Well, you always get chest pains when the bill comes.
I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
Okay, all right.
Maybe you were just a little nervous.
I'm not ner What would I be nervous about? About the fact that a 27-year-old was gonna see that your 50-year-old body looks like it needs ironing.
It could be any number of things, John.
You're worried that she knows a whole bunch of new sexual tricks.
Come on, it's not like I don't know what's going on out there.
I got cable.
Well, maybe it was just performance anxiety.
It was not performance anxiety.
Maybe you're just afraid you'll die.
There you go.
Eighteen-fifty from a 20.
Do you need change? - No, that's fine.
You keep it.
- Thanks.
Now I can buy that subway token I had my eye on.
- You know, John - Let me just ask you.
That is your foot rubbing my leg, isn't it? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, good, good.
Because the last time something crawled up my leg here, they had to shut the place down for two weeks.
You know, John, I'm thinking that it's still early.
Yeah? It might be nice if we went back to my place.
We could do that.
My parents won't be home until around midnight.
What? I'm kidding.
Oh, all right.
You know, John, I've really enjoyed going out with you, and I think that maybe we're ready to take this relationship to the next step.
I mean, it might feel a little soon.
- But I feel that we really connect.
- Oh, boy, uh.
You're having those chest pains again, aren't you? No, no, I'm fine.
You know what, Linda? I was thinking about what you said before, and you were right.
I was? What about? About leaving early.
There really is no reason for both of us to be here after 4:00.
Oh, Margaret, thank you.
Which is why I signed up for a pottery class.
I'll be leaving early today.
Damn.
Never saw that coming.
Oh, great.
Barge right in, why don't you? What in the world are you doing? Why are you checking your heart? Relax, will you? I'm fine.
See? Okay, it's normal, but why are you checking? - Uh, are you in pain? - No.
Now I am.
Are you gonna tell me the truth? Or you wanna go for two? No, no, keep your hands off me, will you, Margaret? All right.
Like it's any of your business, but the last couple of nights, Darcy and I have been going out to dinner and at the end of the evening, I got these chest pains.
I'm just ruling stuff out.
Well, did you rule out the part about you dating a teenager? I've already told you, Margaret.
You know, she's way into her mid to late 20's.
John, these chest pains are obviously your mind telling your body that what you're doing is foolish.
Oh, I see, you've already consulted with your fellow physicians down at Reggie's Hold the Mayo Clinic.
John, but a 27-year-old? That's just not you.
Well, it could be me.
Why can't it be me? I mean, every day, you read in the paper about some old fart dating some young beautiful woman.
Those men are rich.
Look, I have no idea what she sees in me.
But, obviously, she sees something.
Her daddy? That's very amusing.
I'll tell you something.
I'm gonna continue dating Darcy.
I don't care what you say.
- John - Just leave me alone? I know what I'm doing, Margaret.
Ow, ow, ow.
So look who pulled into the station.
The Little Engine That Couldn't.
You know, Bob, everything you say to me just mirrors your own inadequacies.
Isn't that basically just, "I'm rubber, you're glue?" I know exactly what your problem is.
Your anxiety about age difference is manifesting itself psychosomatically as heart palpitations.
What is this? Open-mike night at your psychology class? Becker, relax.
It happens.
Everyone gets insecure about dating.
Even me.
Even you? You're the poster child.
All right, I guess I'm not one to talk.
Broke, divorced.
What do I have to offer a woman? Intense relief when you leave.
There are times when I'm with a woman, and I start to feel Oh, hell, who am I kidding? Ha, ha.
I'm cool.
Sorry, Becker, you're just like everyone else.
Same doubts, same fears.
Well, I hate to break it to you.
You're normal.
You can't talk to me like that.
You know, you call me a lot of things.
You call me neurotic, damaged, obstinate, inappropriate.
But I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit there and let you tell me that I'm normal.
I'm not normal.
I'm abnormal.
When he's right, he's right.
Hey, Reg, look who's outside.
Denise Shaw.
What the hell is she doing here? Did I forget to mention that she was coming here to kick your ass? Bob, you said you were gonna fix it.
I thought I did.
I told her that you didn't want anything to do with her and that she better back off.
Apparently, she took that the wrong way.
It just occurred to me that I may have caused a problem here.
So let me give you a little advice.
Lead with the left, work the body.
I'm just gonna slip out of the back.
So, Reggie.
Denise.
It's been a long time.
L Denise, you look good.
You let your hair grow out.
You know, not that the buzz cut didn't look nice.
Save the compliments, huh? We weren't friends in high school, and we're not friends now.
I just came over to You mind? This is personal.
Relax, I can't pick you out of a line-up.
I'm blind.
- Are you deaf too? Take a hike.
- Okay, you got it.
Look, Denise, I wasn't flirting with your boyfriend.
Just shut up and listen.
I'm not here to fight.
I don't have a boyfriend.
I made that up, so I'd have an excuse to talk to Bob.
- Bob? - Yeah.
Ever since high school, I've had a thing for the little mutt.
Now I know you were really crushed when he dumped you.
- But l - He said he dumped me? I know it's painful.
Anyway, I was just talking trash to impress him.
I wasn't really gonna kick your ass.
Well, that's all I wanted to say.
Denise, wait.
Sit down.
You didn't have to go through all that.
There are plenty of ways to attract Bob.
You see, what Bob hides from the world is that he's shy and sensitive.
He's never gonna make the first move.
So if you really want him, you just tell him you're going out and don't take no for an answer.
You really think so? I know so.
Thanks.
That was cold, ha, ha.
Well, apparently, I was crushed when Bob and I broke up.
- Now it's his turn.
Ha, ha.
Well, according to my fortune cookie, my evening holds promise.
- Ha, ha.
- How are we looking? Ha, ha, I'm fine, I feel great.
No problems.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm asking, because it's about time when you start to sweat.
- Yeah.
- Clutch your chest.
Darcy, look, what happened before is not gonna happen tonight.
And what didn't happen before could happen tonight, if that's what you'd like.
John, save your strength.
And just to be safe, why don't I get the cheque.
- Oh, jeez, I can't believe - John.
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Really.
Ahem.
It's obvious that something else is going on here.
And I'm starting to think that it might be me.
No, it's me.
It's stupid me.
Jeez, well, maybe everybody's right that What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Darcy, it's obvious.
I'm way too old for you.
I don't think so.
Yeah, but what do you know? You're just a kid.
I've lost more reading glasses than you've had birthdays.
Obviously, my anxiety over all of this is manifesting itself in these chest pains.
Let's talk about this.
If you're having a problem with seeing me It's not just me that's having a problem here.
I mean, come on, what about you? You know, what are you working out here? I'm obviously, what, a father figure to you? No, my father takes me to great restaurants.
Okay, all I'm saying is Look, it's a little strange, isn't it? A young beautiful woman like you attracted to me.
Come on, I'm not rich.
You know, I'm not powerful.
I'm John, I'm a lawyer.
I know a closing argument when I hear one.
- Oh, no, Darcy - Oh, forget it.
- Look - You were right.
One of us does have a lot of growing up to do, and it's not me.
Everything all right here? No, everything's not all right.
I just gave up a great relationship with a beautiful young woman.
I didn't wanna say anything, but you did look kind of ridiculous together.
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
You're not the only one having a bad day here.
I just had to fire my new chef.
It turns out he was using MSG.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, he was using tons of the stuff.
But you don't use MSG.
That's why I come here.
I'm allergic to MSG.
Yeah, you and a lot of my other customers.
People were sweating, short of breath.
One poor fool actually thought he was having a heart attack.
Well, I don't believe I've been sitting here thinking I'm neurotic, and the whole time, you're trying to poison me? Oh, come on, you're not dead.
Chill, I'll make it up to you.
How about a coupon for a free dinner? A coupon? This is my life we're talking about here, my future.
You can't just buy me off with free food.
- Seven.
- Three.
- Five.
- Done.
You know, you could still go after her.
Huh? Oh No, I At least, this way, she'll always wonder what might have been instead of knowing just how bad it could be.
Excuse me, sir, you don't look so good.
You're not allergic to MSG, are you? No.
Cheque, please.
Oh, God.