Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - The Ugly Truth

Oh, Reg, I need coffee.
I'm freezing.
Becker, it's that time of year.
Haven't you noticed all the bums are in their winter boxes? Not outside.
It's freezing in my apartment.
Ha-ha-ha.
Bob still hasn't fixed your heater? Oh, I mean, that's terrible.
I spent last night in a parka and three pairs of pants, hunched over a space heater.
Hey, Nanook, read your lease, "No space heaters.
" You know, Bob, I swear to God, as soon as I regain the feeling in my fingers, I'm gonna strangle you.
Why don't I have any heat? Becker, the furnace is a very complicated apparatus located in the recesses of a very dark basement.
Bob had to call a guy.
And? And as soon as he fixes the light in the basement, I'll go have a look.
You telling me you're afraid of the dark? I'm not afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of the evil it conceals.
One more piece of bad news, Becker.
You'll have to eat lunch somewhere else.
Yeah? So where's the bad? I have to close early because my Behavioural Psych class is doing some field research.
We're actually getting to study people instead of rats.
You know, I think the two may be closer than you think.
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Reg, ha.
A coffee and a Danish, please.
Ha, ha.
What's with you, chuckles? Department of Motor Vehicles sent me a driver's licence renewal.
A driver's licence? Oh, that's just perfect.
You know, me, a sighted person, has to wait in line five hours at the stupid DMV.
All you gotta do is sit on your ass and wait for the mail.
You know, shouldn't there be some advantage to being normal? I knew he'd get a kick out of this.
Ha, ha.
What are you gonna do? Gonna go there, rip them a new one? No, just gonna write them a nice, polite letter telling them they made a mistake.
No big deal.
Oh, my God.
You don't get it, do you? Aw.
Jake, you're dealing with a bureaucracy here.
You're in the big computer now.
No good can come of this.
Oh, come on.
You're overreacting.
Oh, is that right? Yes.
Let me ask you, do you remember what it looked like before a big storm? You know, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, but way off on the horizon, clouds were forming.
Well, that's what's happening right now.
A big storm is coming, and you, my friend, are a trailer park.
You know, that is just like you, John.
Everything is bad news.
All you see are dark clouds.
That's why you haven't had heat in you apartment.
I'm sure if you ask Bob in a polite and civilized way, he'd have fixed it by now.
Yeah, Becker.
See, let me show you how it's done.
Now, Bob, I'd consider it a great personal favour if you'd help my friend John out here with his little problem that he seems to be Jake? Yeah.
He's gone.
Oh, yeah.
And, look, he took your Danish too.
Linda, I thought you were gonna make coffee.
The machine's not working.
Oh.
Did you actually think that you could hide this from me? You tell me.
I broke it four days ago.
How? Okay, here's the thing.
I was getting ready for a date when I realized I needed a few last-minute touches.
You know, hair dryer, clothes steamer, charging the stun gun.
Anyway You must have overloaded the outlet.
Didn't you smell something burning? I thought that was just the computer.
Look, you You hurt yourself bowling.
I'm not gonna write "sports injury" in your chart.
Now, let's just say you You hurt your foot doing something stupid.
I need a break, Margaret.
I've had enough idiocy for a while.
Uh-uh.
Not so fast.
You've got another patient.
She's been waiting a long time, an ankle sprain.
Oh, another one? Oh, come on, Margaret, I got Hmm.
All right, all right.
Miss Hamilton? Oh, I bet that hurts.
What happened? Oh.
I know it's stupid, but I fell off a pair of high heels.
Oh, hey, that's That's not stupid.
Accidents happen.
Let's Let's fix you up here.
Look, I don't want to wait three days.
I need an electrician today.
What's wrong? Linda blew out the plug.
Look, Bob, I am in no mood to chat.
What do you want? Well, I know Becker wanted me to fix something in his apartment, but I can't remember what it was.
His heat.
Oh, right.
That would mean going into the basement.
No, that's not gonna happen.
But, you know, uh, Bob can fix this for you real easy.
You mean you can actually fix things? All John does is complain about how inept you are.
Like my dad always told me, "Don't do anything well that you don't wanna do again.
" Which explains why I'm an only child.
Reg, coffee, please.
A couple of eggs.
Hey, has Bob come in yet? That little worm still hasn't fixed my heat.
John, remember how I got those driver's licence renewal forms? Yeah.
Well, I took care of it.
I wrote them a nice polite letter, and I can guarantee you, they won't be sending me any more of those.
How do you know that? Because they sent me a new driver's licence.
Yeah, well, you keep on laughing, Jake.
This is not gonna go away, you know.
You're up against forces way beyond your control.
Didn't we talk about this last week? And the clouds are on their way.
The storm is almost here.
I hope you've got a poncho.
Hey, Becker? Ahem.
Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
Do you treat people differently because of the way they look? Me? No, of course not.
Uh-huh.
And do you remember last week treating two different women with twisted ankles? What? Uh Oh, as a matter of fact, I remember an attractive blond who had trouble with her shoes, and, uh, some klutz, might have been a woman.
Why? Well, Becker, you were the subject of an experiment for my Psychology class, the purpose of which was to find out if attractive people were treated differently than less attractive people.
You're kidding.
You sent those two women to my office? You ? You set me up? That's right.
You know, I can't I can't believe this.
You know, it doesn't matter.
I treat all my patients the same.
Oh, really? Well, let's see about that.
You taped me? That's insane.
People don't do that.
Oh, they do.
I did.
Let's listen.
First, you will hear from the attractive blond.
WOMAN I know it's stupid, but I feel off a pair of high heels.
Oh, hey, that's not stupid at all.
Accidents happen.
That's you, John? You sound so Nice? Mm-hm.
Yes, he does, doesn't he? Now let's hear from the Oh, how did you put it? The klutz, who might have been a woman.
Let's say you hurt your foot doing something stupid.
All right, now that's you.
Do you know what kind of person tapes another person? Nixon! Aw, man.
Not Nixon.
Yeah, and you know what? He got his, and you're gonna get yours too.
And I don't care how long it takes.
I'm gonna get you back for this.
Oh, fine, Becker, you do that.
Meanwhile, here's your breakfast.
I'm gonna get you back for this too.
What are you saying, that I can't sue somebody for secretly taping me? Some lawyer you are, I don't even know why I called this radio station.
Are you okay? Oh, I'm just really pissed off.
So you're okay.
No.
Hey, Linda, come in, sit down for a second, will you? The other day Reggie pulled a stunt on me, and I wanna get even with her.
And I'm just thinking.
I mean, you're sneaky.
Yeah.
So, uh, how? How can I get back at her? Okay, this is what you do.
Yeah.
Open the hood of her car.
Yeah.
Ha, ha.
Find the distributor cap.
Below that is the master cylinder.
Underneath that is the brake line.
Cut that.
Next thing you know, she's doing 70 on the highway without a care in the world, and bam! Uh You know, Linda I You know, I'm going to, uh Ahem.
I'm gonna think about that, you know, tonight and probably every night for the rest of my life.
So after a few years, the marriage went south, and we got a divorce.
After that, I went to live with my mom in her rest home.
Screwdriver? I didn't have my own room, but beds seem to open up on a pretty regular basis.
Electrical tape? I lived with my parents till I married Louis.
Then we both lived with my parents.
Nothing kills your sex life more than hearing your parents enjoying theirs.
Wire cutters? You seem to know what you're doing.
Ah, it's really not that tough.
Electricity's just like plumbing, only without the water.
Hmm.
I learned that the hard way.
Ha, ha.
Pliers? Needle-nose? Hey, I'm trying to help you here.
Oh, right, the pointy one.
Louis and I are thinking about going to see a marriage counsellor.
Oh, we tried that.
The counsellor told my wife and I to act out our sexual fantasies.
Hers was about the housewife and the milkman.
I played the role of the husband who was out of town.
Oh, Bob.
Excuse me, miss? Is it too early to order lunch? Oh, of course not.
Just, uh, name anything up there and I'll make it.
Well, except for souvlakia.
I sort of promised the Board of Health I'd never try that again.
Hi.
Are you serving lunch? I'll be right back.
Linda, look over there.
What do you see? A hunk and a freak.
Exactly.
And who do you think is behind that? God? No, Becker.
He's trying to get even with me for my psychology experiment.
He thinks I'm gonna fawn all over the hunk and totally ignore the freak.
He's so obvious.
He probably couldn't get the hood of your car open.
Right.
Now, what can I get for you? I'll have a tuna sandwich on whole wheat.
That sounds great.
I'll have the same.
Wait your turn, I am helping this gentleman right now.
If you don't want my business, I'll just go.
Fine.
Suit yourself.
So that will be a tuna on whole wheat.
Anything with that? Is coffee okay? Jake.
Hey, John, listen.
I I just signed for this registered letter.
Could you read it to me? Huh? Oh.
Sure.
"State of New York.
" Looks kind of important.
Gee, Jake, I think it's starting to rain.
What the hell are you talking about? They're cutting off your disability benefits pending a full criminal investigation for fraud.
What? Well, why would they do that? Evidently, the State of New York thinks it's a little fishy that a blind man just renewed his driver's licence.
Wait.
I didn't renew it.
I was trying to get rid of it.
Yeah, let's Let's see what we got here, shall we? Uh, blind man, driver's licence and a government bureaucracy.
It's the perfect storm.
"The Attorney General, on suspicion of his "fraudulently accepting disability payments, "mandates that one Jake Malinek have all disbursements suspended pending a full criminal investigation.
" This is terrible.
I need those benefits to live.
I mean, what the hell am I gonna do? You find the car of the person who did this, cut their brake line Yeah, Linda? Linda? Not now.
It's there if you need it.
So let them investigate you.
It's not gonna be hard to prove you're blind.
Oh, what's he gonna do? Walk into a wall? You know, it's not gonna go away that easy.
Jake, I tried to tell you the storm was coming, didn't I? Would you shut up with the storm already? I got it.
Jake, you're gonna have to go down there and kick some ass.
Unless you're planning on writing another polite letter.
You know, John, acting like a screaming lunatic is not my style.
I'll just call them, tell them I'm disabled.
As long as I stay blind, I've got nothing to worry about.
Oh, you people never learn.
Oh.
I sure hope you enjoyed yourself.
You've really brightened up the place today.
A-and come back any time.
Really? Wow, I'd like that.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
What a terrific guy.
Oh, this is great.
Now they're both blind.
If your husband's not communicating with you, well, then that's just not a marriage.
Oh, I don't know, Bob.
Sometimes I'm just afraid to talk to him about it.
Well, if you're anything like Bob, you'll go through all the classic stages of marital distress.
You know, anger, denial, depression, tire-slashing, house arrest.
Well, you two kids will work it out.
I'll see you, Margaret.
Feel better.
Oh, Bob, don't forget to I know.
Don't forget to tape Judging Amy .
Got it.
John? Hey, Jake, come on in.
What are you doing here? I'm really worried.
I've been calling about my benefits.
I can't get through.
I can't get anyone to help me.
I don't know how to fight this thing.
What the hell am I supposed to do? So, what you're saying is, it's raining outside and you need an umbrella.
Yes, John, the storm is here.
It's raining.
It's happening like you said.
Are you gonna help me or not? I haven't heard the magic words yet.
You told me so.
You were right, you're always right.
The world would be a better place if we just listened to you.
Is that what you wanted to hear? Actually, I just wanted to hear you were gonna pay for the cab, but that other stuff was good too.
You know, Bob, I think our friendship is raising a few eyebrows.
We are from very different worlds.
You mean because you're black? No.
Because you're Bob.
Right.
Well, look who's back.
What can I do for you? Uh, last time I was in here, I kind of sensed that you had a little thing for me.
So do you wanna go out on a date? A date? Okay, I'll go out with you.
I'd love to.
All right.
Cool.
How about tonight? We could go to the Howard Johnson's in Times Square.
They know me there.
Sounds great.
Great.
Well, I'll see you here tonight.
This is so cool.
So Becker's trying to put one over on me.
I'll marry this guy before I let that happen.
You're clear on the plan, right? Absolutely.
You tear into these people, do whatever you have to.
Just get my benefits back.
Trust me, by the time I'm through, as far as the state's concerned, you'll be blind, disabled and totally incompetent.
Thanks, man.
Mr.
Malinek, is there something I can do for you? Yeah, what you can do for him is restore his sight.
Short of that, you can give him back his disability payments and drop this idiotic investigation.
Yeah, you tell her, John.
Sir, raising your voice isn't going to help.
Yeah, when you're one man against the State of New York, you have to raise your voice! Look, you know, what What he needs you're not gonna find in your stupid little rulebook or your computers.
What this man needs is action.
And he needs it now! Oh, John, that was good.
Thank you.
I'm not sure Do you have some kind of proof? What you? The guy's blind.
What do you think the stick's for, picking up trash on the highway? You know something? You know, I think it's you who's blind.
You know what? I think you ought to talk to my supervisor.
Yeah, I'd be happy to do that.
John, she's getting her supervisor.
Huh? Oh, don't worry about that.
A supervisor's just code for.
"I'm so upset I think I'm gonna cry.
" Heh.
We're doing great.
Okay, whatever you say.
We're pushing the clouds away.
Ha, ha.
Wait until you see what I do to the next one.
Hello.
I understand we're having some sort of problem here.
Yeah, you're damn right we are.
Yes.
Well, I just want you to know that I'm familiar with your case, and I'm afraid I see nothing in your file that would allow me to reverse the state's position.
Oh, really? Ha, ha.
John? You're up, John.
Would it help if my friend wrote a very polite letter? A polite letter.
You totally bailed on me.
Mr.
Big-Storm downgraded to Tropical Wuss.
Hey, I got your benefits back, didn't I? No, I got my benefits back.
They didn't believe I was blind until I fell down a flight of stairs.
Which, by the way, you could have warned me about.
It wasn't a flight.
It was four steps.
You know, quit being such a drama queen.
If you hadn't been staring at that woman, I bet you could have warned me.
If I had warned you, they wouldn't believe you're blind.
You know, long story short, you're welcome.
What happened to your hand? Are you okay? Well, the outlet Bob fixed shorted out.
Damned near blew me across the room.
You were right, John.
That little creep is totally incompetent.
Welcome back from the dark side, Margaret.
For a minute there, I thought we'd lost you.
Hey, Reggie, are you ready? Oh, one second, George.
Okay, Becker, nice try.
But I proved I'm nice to everyone no matter what they look like.
I even agreed to go on a date with him.
Now, how far do I have to go? Well, it's your date.
That's really up to you, isn't it? Your little joke's over.
You can call it off.
We're even.
What joke? Oh, like you had nothing to do with this.
With what? We should get going.
My parents are in the car.
Good news, Grandma's coming.
I think she's gonna like you.
Just don't let all the tubes freak you out.
You mean you really had nothing to do with this? Oh, my God.
That's great.
You know, I think she thinks that I Oh, how about that? Yeah, sometimes God just hands you one.