Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Nocturnal Omissions

Jake, I'm trying out a new recipe.
Do me a favor and taste it.
Oh, Reg, I hate when you make me do this.
Oh, come on, I'm trying to add something new to the menu.
All right.
Is this apple pie you make with crackers instead of real apples? It's meatloaf.
It looks like tuna salad.
But it tastes like apple pie.
Hmm, meat that looks like fish but tastes like dessert.
You know, Reg, you're getting better.
Last week, you made pudding that looked like meat, but tasted like fish.
Large coffee to go, please.
I need lots of caffeine.
I was awake all night long.
Couldn't sleep, huh? No, I was up wishing upon a star.
Yes, I couldn't sleep.
It's been going on for a week.
I wake up in the middle of the night and I need to watch TV to go back to sleep.
So what's the problem? The problem is my TV doesn't work.
Ah, that piece of crap never works.
Look, Becker, as your super, I'm begging you.
Buy a new one.
When I bring friends to your apartment, it's embarrassing.
What? And get some better snacks, huh? It's not that bad.
It's temporarily out of order.
Uh, John, my eyes are temporarily out of order.
Your TV is dead.
Yeah, Becker, why don't you just get a new TV? It says here in the paper that Tech Town is having a cheap bastard sale.
Oh, sure, you know, just get a new one.
That's your answer for everything.
If it doesn't work, don't fix it.
Just throw it away.
You know, that's the trouble with our whole society.
Everything's disposable, you know.
Nothing lasts.
Nothing's valued.
And remind me, if I'm ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Like I could get to the front of that line.
Linda, what's going on? Oh, just the usual patient stuff: "My head hurts, my back hurts.
" Bunch of whiners.
Is it too much to ask to have a little coffee waiting for me when I get in? Yeah, no kidding.
That's what I said when I got in.
Fine, I'll make the damn coffee myself.
Let me know when it's ready.
Where is the damn coffee? Margaret, I can't make coffee just appear out of nowhere.
I'm not a magician.
I take it by your sunny disposition and the eight-piece set of luggage under your eyes that you didn't sleep again last night.
No, I didn't.
I've gotten three hours in the last two days.
I can't How do you make this stupid thing work? Give me that before someone gets hurt.
And you have a patient in 1.
Who? Mrs.
No, no, not that lunatic.
Not today.
All right, what's wrong with her? I mean, that I can fix.
I have no idea.
You didn't ask her? Mm-mm.
I know better.
Hi, Dr.
Recinos, what is it? You know when you told me I need to drink eight glasses of water a day? Yes.
Well, I'm finding it difficult to drink all eight glasses of water.
How about if I drank seven glasses of water and ate a big slice of watermelon? Would that count? No.
How about seven glasses of water and a can of water chestnuts? No.
How about a water bagel? No.
No, not a water bagel.
Not watercress.
Not a water buffalo.
Just drink the water.
You know, when I go swimming, I always swallow a little water.
Does that count? No.
You know, you're probably right, because when I swim, I get leg cramps.
Do you have anything for that? I have some samples of a new drug that might help.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, and I'll try to find something for you too.
Margaret, I need to get into the drug cabinet.
Give me the key.
I don't have it.
Yes, you do.
I gave it to you yesterday.
And I gave it to Linda.
And I gave it back to you.
No, you didn't.
Do you have any idea what could happen if we lose the key to the drug cabinet? Our patients would have to buy all their drugs on the street? How can you be so irresponsible? This is important.
I want you to stop doing what you're doing and go find the damn key.
Margaret, I want you to phone this prescription in for Mrs.
And will somebody please get me some coffee? I can't function like this.
I can't concentrate.
Look, my hands are shaking.
I barely know where I am.
I'm running on fumes here, Margaret.
Okay, who's next? Hey, I'm Clay.
Welcome to Tech Town.
You think tech, think Tech Town.
Totally tech all the time.
That last part was mine.
What can I do for you? Well, I'm having trouble with my TV.
We sell TVs.
We have a full line No, no, no, I don't want a new TV.
Just give me a new one of these.
I'll be on my way.
What is that? It's a tube.
How old are you? Hey, listen Okay, okay, look, forget your old TV.
Check this out.
Sixty-one-inch, HDTV upgradeable, digital comb filter, two-tuner picture-in-picture.
Oh, my God.
On sale, only 2600.
Dollars? Yup.
My car didn't cost $2600.
Now, why doesn't that surprise me? Okay, you and I need to communicate.
Why don't you tell me how much you're thinking of spending? I'm not thinking of spending anything.
But if I were, ahem Well, what could I get for 200 bucks? Four years of TV Guide.
Now, how about this? Thirty-six-inch, full AV and S inputs, picture-in-picture.
Picture-in-pic I can't think of two things on TV.
I like to watch in the same week, let alone at the same time.
Look, I don't want a new TV.
I just want a new one of these so I can fix my TV.
And it only has one picture.
You know, no inputs, no surround sound.
One TV, one picture.
Sometimes my boss is, like, insane.
I swear, every time I turn around, he's on my ass.
It's like he's everywhere.
Oh, I shouldn't have had that last margarita.
Give me something, anything, a picture.
A flicker.
Ah, thattagirl.
Well All right.
Hello? Hey, Jake, what's up? Who is this? John? What the hell, it's the middle of the night.
No, it's early.
It's like 2:30.
Listen, I was just thinking.
Do you wanna come over and watch some TV? Are you crazy? Yeah, you're right, you're right.
You've got the big screen.
Hey, I know, why don't I come over there? Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, for Is John here? Yep.
What were you thinking, calling me at 2? He's at the table, Jake.
Don't you think about anyone else? More to your right.
John, okay, other people have to sleep Too far right.
All right, I know he's here somewhere.
Now, John, I'm only gonna tell you this once.
You either get yourself a new TV or you get a new friend, because if you pull this crap again, I'm gonna come to your house and club you unconscious.
Oh, would you? I'd really appreciate it.
Like I could get to the front of that line.
Yeah, Becker, this no-sleep thing is getting chronic.
I mean, maybe it's not just about your TV.
Often, insomnia is the physical manifestation of some deep-seated psychological issue.
Yeah, you see, this is how bad my insomnia is.
Even your psychobabble isn't putting me to sleep.
All I'm saying is there could be something going on in your subconscious.
Whatever's in my subconscious is none of my business.
Well, well, I see all the flies have gathered around the dumpster.
You know, Bob, you're my super.
I've called you, like, so don't give me any of your lame excuses.
Would my mother having surgery be a lame excuse? No, I guess it wouldn't be.
Well, then that's what happened.
Becker, there are other things you can try to get to sleep.
Yeah, like yoga.
That helps people sleep.
I know it helps Bob relax.
You do yoga? No, but the girl in 4-C does.
One time Bob got so relaxed, he fell off her fire escape.
John, you should do like my grandmother used to do.
She used to take a hot towel, dip it in lavender, and then wrap it around her head.
Yeah, is that the same grandmother used to put garlic cloves in your shoes? Hey, she was protecting me from evil spirits.
So we've got yoga and voodoo.
Anything else? Well, you could get one of those relaxation tapes where some boring guy talks you to sleep.
It's not working now, why should it work later? Oh, where is my head? Unh.
John, you look awful.
This is crazy.
You can't function without sleep.
Oh, please, Margaret, when I was in medical school, I used to go without sleep for weeks at a time.
No problem.
And 20 years ago, I could dance all night in a halter top and hot pants.
Things change.
Margaret, I'm fine.
You are not fine.
Let me cancel the patients.
Go home and get some sleep.
No, no, no, don't cancel the sleep.
I'll get some patients soon.
Well, well, well, guess what I found this morning.
I'm not in the mood for guessing games.
Get up.
Well, then I'll get right to the point.
It's not so easy when the shoe's on the other foot, is it? That can't possibly be the point.
I'm talking about this.
It's the key to the drug cabinet that you accused me of losing.
I was home making coffee this morning, and I found it in the same bag of coffee that you used here yesterday.
What was office coffee doing at your apartment? If I hadn't stolen the coffee, we'd never have found the key.
So the next time you assume something's my fault, just remember, when you "assume," you make an ass out of me.
John? John, Dr.
Regozy stopped by.
He wants to talk to you about that patient you referred to him.
Oh, but I gotta warn you, he's a little hard to understand, so Margaret, I'm a doctor.
I know how to talk to another doctor.
We have our own medical shorthand.
For God's sake.
Ah, Dr.
Sorry toinneighbourhood andwanted that Mr.
Carver I'm sorry.
What? The liver is working perfect Well, I'm, ahem, more tired than I thought.
Margaret? Uh-uh.
Don't look at me.
I'm lost in the medical shorthand.
No, no, no, it's justaccent.
Sometimes people hard time understanding Huh.
Well, bye-bye.
Uh, thanks for dropping by.
I'll do that.
Ha, ha.
Hell of a nice guy.
He left a chart.
Yeah, I know that.
He, uh He mentioned it.
MAN The key to a restful sleep is total relaxation, easing the tension in your body, one muscle at a time.
Let's start with your feet.
All right, okay.
Now relax your calves.
That's good.
Now relax your thighs.
Now, wait a minute, I didn't say Now relax your buttocks.
I don't know which is worse, you dressed like Norma Desmond or that some guy's telling you to relax your ass.
It happens to be a lavender head wrap.
Oh, my mistake, Coco.
What are you doing here? Gonna build you a tree house.
What do you think I'm doing? I'm here to fix your window.
Well, hurry up, will you? I need to get some sleep.
You're floating on a pillow of air.
Everything is calm and peaceful.
Get out, Bob.
I can't stand looking at you.
Come on, Tammy.
You promised I could stay, baby.
It's our honeymoon.
Come on, give me something.
You know, a crappy movie, an infomercial.
Oh, no, don't die.
Come on.
Live, damn it.
I don't believe this.
JAKE Hi, this is Jake.
Look out the window, then look in the mirror.
If it's dark outside and you're John Becker, do me a favor, go to hell.
Rude, but you've gotta admire the effort.
Hello? Hey, Reg.
Huh? It's Becker.
What do you need? What? Well, it's 2 in the morning.
You must have wanted something.
I I didn't call you.
What's the difference? We're talking.
Hey, as long as you're up, you mind if I come over and watch your TV? How do you know I'm not here with someone else? Are you? Okay, come over.
But this is gonna end tonight.
We're gonna go buy you a new TV.
What, now? Those places are open all night.
You think you're the only idiot in New York? All right, I'll be over in 20 minutes.
Bob, get out of here, will you? Go sleep in your own bed.
Okay Will you just listen to me? You know, Bob was there to fix my window.
He fell asleep on the couch.
That's all.
Hey, don't ask, don't tell.
Hey, look who's back.
And you brought the wife.
She's not my wife.
I'm not his wife.
You mean you're on a date and you brought her here? Wow, you are cheap.
We're not on a date.
You know, she happens to be the Why am I explaining myself to you? All right, so are you here to buy a TV this time? Or are you just gonna take another peek into the future? Yes, I wanna buy a TV, but just a normal one, you know.
No gadgets.
How about 36 inches, picture-in-picture, on-screen display? No, I said no gadgets.
But I can't help it, man.
They all do stuff.
Give him a break.
He's just trying to help you.
Thanks, ma'am.
Ma'am? Skippy, over here.
Look, I want a TV, but just don't go nuts, all right? Okay, man, you broke me.
Here, 27-inch, discontinued model, 450.
It's too expensive.
Floor model, 20-inch, It's still too much.
I'll kick in 20 bucks of my own.
Please just take it and go.
Becker, what is your problem? He's practically giving it away.
I don't care.
You know, at least my TV has character.
These TVs have no souls.
And I'll tell you something else.
I don't like the way they're looking at me.
Is he okay? We're gonna need a minute.
What? What is going on with you? Where is this coming from? I don't Look, I just wanna go home, please.
You're not gonna get a TV? I have a TV.
Your TV's dead.
Let it go.
I don't want to.
I've had that TV ever since I went to college.
You know, my mother bought it for me.
I've watched the moon landing on that TV, the 1969 Mets win the Series, Nixon's resignation.
You know, lots of good times.
Hold it a second.
Did you say your mother bought it for you? Oh, jeez.
You psychology types hear the word mother and you start to salivate.
Believe me, she has nothing to do with it.
Well, maybe she does.
She's gone now, right? Oh, all right, fine, doctor.
You know, yes.
My mother passed away years ago.
Well, when did your TV start to break? Well, I don't know.
Last week, I guess.
And when did you start losing sleep? Last week.
Well, did you ever think that when your TV started to break, it might have brought up a lot of feelings about your mother? I mean, maybe you felt like you were losing an important connection to her.
Maybe, uh, that's what's been bothering you and keeping you awake.
I don't know.
I know that since my father died, the strangest things remind me of him.
I mean, it happens all the time.
It's kind of sweet, really.
My My mother could barely afford my tuition, and she still bought that damn TV.
You know, I dragged that through apartments, dorm rooms, two marriages.
And no matter what changed in my life, that-that TV was always there for me.
Well, you know, just because you get a new TV, doesn't mean you have to lose the memories of your mother.
Yeah, I know.
God, I'm screwed up.
I hate that.
So it was psychological.
I was right.
I hate that even more.
Thank you, but Oh, man, you know, uh, I can buy a TV anytime.
I'm really exhausted.
I need to sleep.
So make a decision? Think you're gonna like that one.
Damn Becker.