Better Things (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Woman Is the Something of the Something

1 [knocking] [knocking] What Hello.
Can Can I have those? Uh oh.
[cans clatter] Of course.
Yeah.
Wow.
Your car is messy.
You got kids.
I can tell that.
Yeah, I sure do.
Why are you sleeping in your car? Oh.
Uh, I'm tired all the time.
I call it Momstein Bar.
I try to power nap when I can.
Yeah, you got to take them here and there, right, Mama? Yeah.
Oh, I have to go to Staples, remember? You promised.
I have to get five things off my list.
Wait, Mom.
Mom, you're passing the Goodwill place.
- Mom, pay attention! - Stop! Here.
Take the jacket.
Ohh.
And what size shoe do you wear? Thank you.
I wear a 8.
Because I I don't know whose this is, but these are, like, a 9 or a 10, maybe.
Oh, man, you are such a nice lady.
You're pretty.
Thank you.
You're pretty.
Oh, no.
No.
I used to be, but you got to take care of yourself You know, get your car washed, get your hair done.
How do you think you're going to get a nice man to make love to you? Oh.
No.
None of that for me.
I got rid of him.
I'm not talking about a husband.
I'm talking about a man.
Don't you want a man to be nice to you? Oh.
Yeah.
Well I told Paisley we could to a vintage photo shoot, and I need wardrobe.
Shut up, Maxie, shut up, Maxie Shut your face! Sam, your daughter is a monster.
You can't just be a mama all the time.
You got to sometimes be a lady, with the man putting his full weight on you, making you feel good.
Yeah.
I appreciate that, Diane, but there is zero time in the mom's schedule for being a lady.
Oh, yeah, okay.
I hear you with that.
I raised four of my own.
So you know.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you give them every second you got.
You take them to school.
You take them to their friend's house, music lessons - Dance class.
- Yeah, sports.
All those activities.
Endless.
I got my oldest.
He's a lawyer back in Minnesota.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
One of them's married in Oregon.
Two of them are working back east.
They got good lives.
And you gave that to them.
Just like you.
And now look at me.
They leave you with nothing.
You got to make time for you, Mama.
They take everything, and then you're like me, hoping you find some nice lady to give you a jacket.
Get out.
What? What are you doing, Samantha? - Get out.
- No way, Mom.
Mom, you can't just leave us here.
There's a bus stop right there.
Get on the bus.
Take it home.
Mom, don't be a drama queen.
That bus doesn't even go to our house.
No, it doesn't.
You're going to take the bus to Ventura, get out, walk up the hill.
Bye! Bye! Get out! I mean it! Mom, we're sorry.
We don't need anything.
We'll help you with the groceries when we get home.
Please.
[sighs] Mother, you had me You didn't want me Shit, I don't know.
Damn it.
What did the Network say about Eliza again? I don't know.
She doesn't pop.
Something like that.
Uhh.
I'm sick of all these ladies.
Jen, what did they say about Eliza? Um, the note was she's a bummer.
She is a bummer.
I hate that we circle back to talking about her.
The network already approved Manning Truesome.
Let's just cast her.
I'll kill myself first.
- George.
- Yeah.
Is there anyone we haven't thought of? All right, look.
I have someone.
Who? She was in a pilot I directed about ten years ago.
She was hilarious.
Network fired her because she had no tits.
That's not good.
Who? - Sam Fox.
- I used to jerk off to her.
No way.
No way.
She's, like, 60 now.
Possible side effects include nausea, stiffness of joints, thoughts of suicide, diarrhea, and, in rare cases, seizures or death.
Yeah, Sam, can you sound a little more cheerful during the disclaimer? Possible side effects include nausea, stiffness of joints, thoughts of suicide, diarrhea, and, in rare cases, seizures or death.
[laughing] I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to sound cheerful about diarrhea.
I'm sorry.
Ahem.
Diarrhea, sir.
Oh, diarrhea, everyone.
Is it thoughts of suicide and diarrhea, or is it thoughts of suicide and also thoughts of diarrhea? There's [laughing] I know, buddy.
I'm sorry.
What does this drug do anyway? It's a boner maker.
Oh.
Well, anything for a boner.
Yeah, okay.
I mean, although, if a guy has a nice hard dick and he has diarrhea squirting out the back, it sort of ruins it, you know what I mean? Just sort of.
[smoke alarm beeps] Okay, let's go.
Is it you? [beep] Shit.
Oh.
Come on.
[beep] [gasp] Bingo.
Seriously? Ohh.
- [beeping] - Ohh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! [beeping continues] Mama, what's happening? Honey, I'm sorry.
Mom, what did you do? It's just the smoke detectors.
- Oh, my God.
- Mama, I'm scared! - It's okay.
- Mom, call Dad right now! - No! - What's going on? Who are all those people in there? Who cares? Are we going to die right now? You idiot! It's just a frigging smoke detector! Shut up! Everybody, stop! I am so, so, so sorry.
My God, this is so embarrassing.
Shut up, Max! Mommy's doing her best! Mom, call Dad.
The firemen are going to want to talk to Dad.
I can talk to the firemen! I don't need your fucking father! I can talk to a fireman by myself! I mean, I can send you out for any audition that you want, but you have to be careful about burning yourself out.
I think personally that it's better to go out for just a few things every month.
You know, just seem more selective.
The interesting thing about you is that you can play a good range age-wise.
Oh, definitely.
I can play up to 25 - and really down to 16.
- Mm-hmm.
Phone call.
- I'm meeting.
- It's Jen Abrams.
Jen, hi.
Hey, Tressa, do you still represent Sam Fox? Uh yeah.
So you don't.
Did she fire you? Well, no, Jen, she didn't.
I do represent her.
Can I help you? I'm checking her avails for a pilot.
Oh, for when? It shoots in March.
It's the lead.
The lead? Whose pilot is it? Danny and Zack.
Okay.
Well, I will give her a call.
Um, is this Danny and Zack love her.
Haven't checked the network yet.
Ah.
Got it.
Thanks, Jen.
Yeah.
See, I like that one.
Yeah, but It It's subtle.
Like, you don't notice, but you can totally tell.
- It's shiny.
- It's really good.
I want my face and neck to stop being old-looking, that's all.
Yeah.
That's scary.
That's just scary.
- She looks like an alien.
- [phone buzzes] Hang on.
It's my manager.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Tressa.
Hey, so, uh, some people are checking your avails for March for a pilot.
Okay.
Should I say you're around? Yeah, I'm around.
I mean, you know I'm around.
- Sure.
- Wait.
What's the pilot? - What's the part? - You know, just the usual friend of the lead kind of thing.
Anyway, I will let them know that you're around.
- Yeah.
Bye, doll.
- Bye, honey.
- Hi.
Hello.
- Hi.
So nice to meet you.
I'm John.
Hi.
I'm Sam.
This is Sunny, my friend.
Uh, did you get a chance to look at the photos? Ahem.
Yeah, we did.
Um, I'm not saying that yours do at all, but I notice that sometimes people tend to look a little shiny and a bit like a potato, kind of.
A wet potato.
Right.
Well, not here because our technique is undetectable.
You will not leave looking like a shiny potato face.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, we're here.
I mean, this is for me.
She's perfect.
Ha ha ha.
No, seriously, what do you what do you How young are we now? Um, I'm 38.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
You both look great.
I wouldn't really do anything on you.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Wow.
[chuckle] Okay.
Why don't you climb up onto this chair? Okay.
Ahem.
Okay.
Awesome.
Okay, let's have a look.
- Okay, so, ahem - Uh-huh.
You see how kind of the left side of my face, it's melting? - Hmm.
- Like, my right eye, it's really heavy, like I've been in a prize fight.
- Hmm.
- And then my neck.
Jesus.
I mean, what's happening to me? - Mm-hmm.
- Show him the picture.
- Oh, yeah.
Um - The picture of me.
See, that's like, um - Ah.
- Seven, eight, - maybe - 14.
- years.
- Yeah, right.
See, here you look fresh.
And now you look tired, just tired.
- Oh.
- That's all.
No big deal.
- We can remedy that.
- Okay.
Okay? Here, why don't you hold this? - Okay.
- Okay.
Now, see, if we do a partial face lift, it would raise all of this up.
- Okay.
- If we did the neck lift, it would be very understated - Okay, watch.
- Okay.
Watch this.
See this? - Pretty.
- Oh.
- Pretty.
- Mm.
Huh? Pretty.
- Pretty.
- He's right.
- It's kind of amazing.
- Huh? - Uh-huh.
- Pretty.
Pretty.
What about, uh, what about my neck thing? Okay.
Watch.
Ready? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Fresh.
Whoa.
- Fresh.
- Fresh.
Huh? Fresh.
Huh? So fresh.
You see that? Fresh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You look like you went to, like, the Bahamas or something.
Yeah.
Wow.
Uh, how long is the down time? Well, your face will be all bruises - for about three weeks.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, but I anticipate a very youthful result.
W-What would you tell the girls? Well, I'll just tell them I got attacked.
That way, they won't be mad at me.
At least they'll be nice to be for a day, maybe.
So I have an opening on the 18th.
Wow.
Well, how much are we talking here? Okay.
For the neck lift, it would be 45,000.
And for the partial face lift, it would run 50,000.
Oh, you know what? I'm just going Can I take the price list with me today? Because I'm going to think about it.
I don't think I can go completely Garbo right now.
Of course.
Sit, sit, sit.
Everyone sit.
Terrific.
So we are very excited about your show.
So are we.
[laughter] Good.
[chuckle] So what's up? What can I help you with now? So, uh, we know who we want for the lead.
Wow.
Great.
Have we seen her? All, right, so, Charles, I know you want to see choices.
I mean, we've all been through this before.
And I'd like to think we have some credibility here with our other shows doing so well.
We absolutely love your shows.
I hope you know that.
So who who is it? Who are we talking about? Jen: Sam Fox.
Sam Fox is funny, and that's our bottom line.
You've got cute all over the network, and there's cute in the show, but Sam Fox is, like, real people.
She will score with every demographic.
When we cast young, we leave everyone else out.
Sam Fox has sex appeal, but the big move here is that she's hysterically funny and everyone likes her.
She's an everywoman.
Works for me.
Jen, great job.
She's not on the show yet.
What are you mad about? Because I just burned about 30% of my credibility with Charles Kemp.
What, you didn't believe what you said in there? - Because you seemed to.
- That's my job.
You're a gender traitor.
You're putting down your own people.
My people? You know, start a test deal with Sam Fox.
Call the reps now, please.
Uh, Charles said that? That's what he said.
So we need to start a test deal.
Wow.
Yeah, well, send a deal memo to my office, and we'll get started.
Okay, Tressa.
Thanks.
Bye, Jen.
Should I get Sam on the phone? No.
And don't tell anyone about this.
You got that? Okay.
We create - Just let me - Stop.
- I just - Mom, shush.
Pay attention.
I want to get your face in.
Fine! Jesus! We're not misandrists, but the patriarchy must be stopped.
- Yeah! - Whoo! - Now, Martin Luther King - Yeah! he had one kind of a dream.
And if he was alive Martin Luther King beat his wife.
What? Well, some people say that the FBI spread that story to discredit him, but other people say he cheated on his wife, - and also - Wait.
Who told you this? Cary, Mom.
My teacher? - Yes.
- Remember? Yes.
Mahatma Gandhi beat his wife, too.
Aah.
I didn't know Gandhi was even married.
Why would Cary be telling you these things? Like, is he trying to make you hate these people? No.
He's just telling us the whole truth about them, or at least as it's known.
He's telling us what's been said.
I mean, yeah, maybe the FBI lied about King, but to say that he's this perfect human statue is is a lie.
Hmm.
It It's important, Mom.
Plus, they're still my heroes for the good that they did do.
But their personal lives were just kind of sketched out.
Anyway, woman is the nigger of the world.
Frankie, don't say that.
John Lennon said that.
I know, but don't you say it.
Do you know what he's saying with that song? Also, it's a direct quote from Both: Zora Neale Hurston.
Mom, I know.
He wasn't being derogatory.
It was being, like, metaphorical.
Cary told us that.
Hmm.
Also, Gandhi was pen pals with Hitler.
Oh, my God.
This kid looks like Sam could be his mom.
Why if we give her a black son? Like she adopted? Or shtupped a black guy? Shtupped.
Yes.
Please.
[intercom buzzes] We're ready for him.
I have Charles for you.
Hi, Charles.
- Hi, Charles.
- Hey, Charles.
Guys, I have great news.
- Yeah? - Great.
Let's hear it.
Rachel McAdams got a hold of your script.
She wants the lead.
She's amazing.
She's funny, talented.
We love her.
So we just locked her down, and based on that, we're ready to move on to series.
[chuckle] Uh, Charles, that that's great.
Amazing.
We love her.
Congratulations, guys.
I'm excited.
So are we.
Good.
We'll talk soon.
Ow.
Yeah, right.
Uh, all right, great.
So let's, uh let's look at this stuff and figure it out.
We're gathered here today because we know - that there is an atrocity - You know, I read that Mother Teresa used to take private jets and go to fancy dinners.
Mom, that's not the same thing.
She was a Catholic nun.
There's nothing complex about Mother Teresa.
She sucked.
I know, but Gandhi was so little.
How could he beat up anybody? All right, guys, let's start the mob.
Just look to the lady in the pink T-shirt for the moves.
Frankie, take the rest of these T-shirts.
Hand them out.
Yes, I can do it, yes.
[snicker] She loves your class.
Well, Frankie is a rock star.
Yeah.
Uh, listen, I got to ask a favor of you, buddy.
Frankie's knowledge of the world is accelerating because of your class, good and bad, and that's great, but it's going really fast.
And I can't keep up.
I work.
I rarely get a download from her, and when I do, she's on a newer and bigger planet, like today.
Come with us to Stockton.
- What? - Yeah, we're going on a class trip to Stockton.
You would learn so much with Frankie, so then you'll be totally up to speed.
- Our song is next.
- When is it? It's the first week of March.
She should totally come with us.
Oh, Stockton? Mom's always got to work.
She won't make it, Cary.
Well, that's good, Frankie.
Your mom's an earner.
I know.
Shall we mob it up, Madame? - Yes.
- [cheering] Hi, Sam.
Tressa, hi.
Listen, is that pilot still happening, that pilot in March? No, it went away.
Oh, good! Thanks, honey! Love you! Love you.
Have fun.
[snapping fingers] Ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo Ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo I'm going to do it.
Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!