Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

N/A - The Tangerine Factor

[SHELDON SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] No, it's: [SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] [SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] What's this? That's what you did.
I assumed, as in a number of languages, that the gesture was part of the phrase.
- Well, it's not.
- Why am I supposed to know that? As teacher, it's your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter.
- I'm glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
- Why? Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
Hey.
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey.
My apologies, Leonard.
I'm only as good as my teacher.
Why are you learning Chinese? I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken, and I intend to confront them.
If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.
- I need to use your window.
- Oh, hey.
Yeah, no, sure, go ahead.
Hey, jerk face.
You forgot your iPod.
- What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on.
That stupid, self-centered bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog.
Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard.
Thank you.
Okay, where were we? Not now.
I have a blog to find.
Penny, are you okay? PENNY: I'm fine, Leonard.
Just go away.
I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful-- - Go away! - Okay, feel better, bye.
She doesn't wanna talk.
Not surprising.
Penny's emotional responses originate in the primitive portion of brain, the amygdala.
While speech is centered in the recently developed neocortex.
Former can overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless.
Or maybe she just doesn't wanna talk.
Hey, look, I found an iPod.
It's smashed beyond repair.
What are you gonna do with it? What else? Sell it on eBay as slightly used.
It was Penny's boyfriend's.
They broke up.
Apparently, he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog which I cannot find anywhere.
You know what? I'm gonna go back and try talking to her again.
Good idea.
Sit with her, hold her, comfort her.
And if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel.
I'm not going to do that, Howard.
I'm not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.
What about damsel in distress? Twelfth-century code of chivalry? Not exactly current.
You'd also have to be knighted for that to apply.
I don't care.
She's upset, I'm going over there.
Remember to sit on your hands a bit so they're warm.
I'm her friend.
I'm not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
So you're saying, if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her right there, right now, you'll just walk away? I said I'm her friend, not her gay friend.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Hey, I know you said you didn't wanna talk-- - I don't.
- Okay, sorry.
- Wait.
- Wait.
Did you say wait? Tell me the truth.
Am I just an idiot who picks giant losers? No, no.
Okay, so I pick good guys, but turn them into losers? Of course not.
Well, it's gotta be one or the other.
Which is it? I'm sorry.
What were the choices again? I really thought Mike was different.
I thought he was sensitive and smart.
I mean, not you smart.
- Normal non-freaky smart.
- Yeah, no, sure.
You know, and then he just goes and has to humiliate me by writing about me on his blog so the entire world can read it.
Actually, it's not all that easy to find.
Yeah, really? Well, my friends at work found it, my sister found it.
Judging by my e-mail, a number of prisoners at the Michigan State Penitentiary found it.
What exactly did this guy write? Not that I need to know the details of your sex life.
I just thought.
Never mind.
No, you know what? Might as well read it, everybody else has.
Go ahead.
Oh, God, I just feel so betrayed and embarrassed.
I just wanna crawl into a hole and die.
Okay, well, you know, this isn't that bad.
It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who's open to expressing her affection in nontraditional locales.
Oh, God.
Elevators, parks, movie theaters.
Out of curiosity is this subway, the transportation system, or Subway, the sandwich shop? Sandwich shop.
Doesn't that violate the health code or? No, at the sub shop, we were only making out.
Ah, okay.
But my point is that you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed.
Really? Do you think I overreacted? - Maybe a little.
- Because I do that, I do overreact.
- Maybe I should call Mike and apologize.
- No, no.
No, that would be under-reacting.
He did break the implied confidentiality of the bedroom and in your case, the elevator, parks and fast-food franchise.
Yes, you're right.
I should just say I am done with him.
Yes you should.
Go ahead, say it.
But I never gave the man a chance to explain.
What is there to explain? It's all right here.
It's betrayal.
No, you were right the first time.
This is a man who loves me but in his own stupid way was just trying to show people how he feels.
I'm pretty sure I never said that.
No, you did better than that.
You helped me see it on my own.
Oh, good for me.
- Where are you going? - I'm going over to Mike's.
- Leonard, thank you so much.
- Oh, sure.
Huh.
Maybe I am her gay friend.
Howard, I'm going to need another Mandarin lesson.
I obviously didn't make my point with those people.
For God's sake, if you don't like tangerine chicken don't order tangerine chicken.
I like tangerine chicken.
I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.
- Can we please change the subject? - Sure.
Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend.
Just roll the dice.
"Enslaved by warlocks.
Stay here till you roll two, four or--" She was mad at him.
She was done with him, the relationship was broken and I walked over there and I fixed it.
Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.
I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling.
Previously, I felt sympathy for the Leonard character.
Now I just find him to be whiny and annoying.
Just eat your tangerine chicken.
I'd love to, but I don't have tangerine chicken.
Thank you so much for your stupid advice.
Incredible.
You managed to screw up the screw-up.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] I'm back.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
It's not your fault.
What happened? Well, I went over to Mike's to make up with him-- Yeah, no, I know that part.
But he had already moved on.
Already? That was quick.
That's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck.
Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
How could he do that? Oh, you know, you did throw an 80-gig iPod-- Yeah, no, how could he do that? I swear to God, I am done with guys like that.
You know, macho with the perfect body, and the hair and the money.
Yeah, that must get old quick.
You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice and honest and who actually cares about me.
[WHIMPERS] What about me? What about you what? [CRYING] What about if you went out with me? Are you asking me out? Um, yes, I am asking you out.
Wow.
I was just going off your comment about the nice guy-- - No, I got that.
- And honest-- - Yeah, totally.
- So but.
- It's no big deal.
- Yes.
Yes, what? Yes, I will go out with you.
Really? Yeah.
Why not? I mean, what do I have to lose? Yeah.
That's the spirit.
Show me your citrus peels.
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] Show me your citrus peels.
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] - Show me-- - Sheldon? [SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] I'm sorry.
Look, do you have a second? A second what? Pair of underwear? I was just wondering if I could talk to you.
It's about Leonard.
Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz? Well, Raj can't talk to me unless he's drunk.
And Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.
SHELDON: Yes, I suppose he is.
All I'm saying is you know Leonard the best.
Not necessarily.
I'm often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard.
Just the other day, I discovered he not only has a loofah, he hides it.
Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally but I don't condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.
And until recently, I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance he can tolerate small amounts of nonfat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that, I maintain, in the right concentration could be weaponized.
Leonard might come home.
Can we talk in my apartment? We're not done? - No.
- Eh, why not? We're already through the looking glass anyway.
Okay, so here's the thing.
I guess you're aware that Leonard asked me out.
Well, he didn't actually say anything.
But when he came back to the apartment, he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.
Oh, that's nice.
Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to about is you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just-- Wanna sit down? Oh, I wish it were that simple.
You see, I don't spend much time here, and so I've never chosen a place to sit.
Well, choose.
There are a number of options and.
I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities air-flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.
Why don't you pick at random, if you don't like it, sit somewhere else next time? No, no, that's crazy.
You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.
Okay.
Here's the thing.
So I've known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me-- A little crush? Well, I suppose so.
In the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.
I don't really know who they are-- - Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon-- - Yeah, I don't care.
Listen.
The point is Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with.
Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise 30 degrees? No.
What I'm saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way.
And obviously, my usual choices have not worked out so well.
Your last one worked out well for Koothrappali.
He got a free iPod.
Oh, glare.
But on the other hand if things don't go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend.
I mean, he's not looking for a fling.
He's the kind that gets into a relationship for, like you would say, light-years.
I would not say that.
No one would say that.
A light-year is a unit of distance, not time.
Thank you for the clarification.
Draft.
You see, people hear the word "year" and they think duration.
Foot-pound has the same problem.
That's a unit of work, not of weight.
Right.
Thanks.
- It's a common mistake.
- Not the first one I've made today.
Okay.
I think this will be my seat.
Do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I'm talking about? Well, let's see.
We might consider Schrà dinger's cat.
Schrà dinger.
Is that the woman in 2A? No, that's Mrs.
Grossinger.
She doesn't have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless.
Annoying little animal.
Yip-yip-yip.
Sheldon.
Sorry, you diverted me.
Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrà dinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment.
A cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time.
Now, since no one knows when or if the poison has been released until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.
I'm sorry, I don't get the point.
Well, of course you don't get it.
I haven't made it yet.
You have to be psychic, there's no such thing-- Sheldon, what's the point? Just like Schrà dinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad.
It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is.
Okay, so you're saying I should go out with Leonard? No, no, no.
Let me start again.
In 1935, Erwin Schrà dinger.
Two seats right there.
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake.
I can see that.
Unless you're running a marathon choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch-filled redundancy.
No, it's about Penny.
A mistake involving Penny.
Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
Then don't.
Other people would say, "Why not?" Other people might be interested.
- I'm gonna talk anyway.
- I assumed you would.
Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited, I'm nauseous.
Then your meal choice is appropriate.
Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
- Right.
- You also made a grammatical mistake.
You said "nauseous" when you meant "nauseated.
" But go on.
Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny.
What happens if I blow it? Well, if we accept your premise and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny.
The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
You're not helping.
All right, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a conclusion? Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
Schrà dinger's cat.
Wow, that's brilliant.
You sound surprised.
Mmm.
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] - Hi.
- Hi.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
You look very nice.
Thank you.
So do you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] I made an 8:00 reservation.
Okay, yeah, great.
Listen.
Maybe we should talk first.
Oh.
Okay.
But before you say anything, have you ever heard of Schrà dinger's cat? Actually, I've heard far too much about Schrà dinger's cat.
Good.
All right, the cat's alive.
Let's go to dinner.