Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit.
And it is well-established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
What if he gets something Kryptonian on it? -Like what? -I don't know.
Kryptonian mustard.
I think we can assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite.
The only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hot dog threatening Earth.
Raj, please, let's stay serious here.
Superman's body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains? Superman doesn't sweat on Earth.
Okay.
He's invited for dinner in the bottle city of Kandor.
He miniaturizes himself, enters the city, where he loses his super-powers.
Before dinner, his host says, "Who's up for Kryptonian tetherball?" Superman works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.
Booyah.
Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry-cleaner before he left the bottle.
Kandorian dry-cl--? I give up.
You can't have a rational argument with this man.
Hey, isn't that the guy who won the MacArthur genius grant last year? No, not all at once.
-Then how? -Leonard.
Now Raj.
Now Sheldon.
-I didn't get a good look.
Can I go again? -No.
-That's David Underhill.
So what? -So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.
I have two words for you.
The first is "big," the other's "whoop.
" It is a big whoop.
Made almost all the work you've done completely useless.
-Did not.
-Did too.
Okay, maybe some of it.
But.
The guy was just in the right place at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting reinterpretation of the universe.
He got lucky.
In more ways than one.
He's a very handsome man.
Doesn't do anything for me.
If I was gonna go that way l'm more of a Zac Efron kind of guy.
Oh, yeah.
Like you have a shot with Zac Efron.
Excuse me.
Are you Leonard Hofstadter? -Uh, yeah.
-I'm David Underhill.
Uh, yeah.
Heh, heh.
Dr.
Gablehauser said if I wanted to set up something in the lab that you'd be able to give me a hand? -You wanna work with me? -lf you have time, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, no problem.
Um, here's my home number, here's my cell, here's my office here's my parents' number up in New Jersey.
-They know how to reach me.
DAVID: Okay.
Congratulations on the MacArthur grant, by the way.
Big fan.
Thanks.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before? Trailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has hopes of catching up with Sheldon who is dominating in the ninth frame with a career-best 68.
LEONARD: Hey, guys.
That doesn't count.
Do-over, do-over.
There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.
There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
Where were you that's more important than Wii bowling night? -Actually, l-- -It's a rhetorical question.
There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.
Come on, it's just a video game and we suck at it.
[SHELDON GASPS] Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
-Where were you? -I was working with Dave Underhill.
Ooh, "Dave.
" Sounds like Leonard's got a new BFF.
Actually, he is pretty cool.
I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist but it turns out he's a black-diamond skier he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band.
-So? We're in a rock band.
-No.
We play "Rock Band" on our Xbox.
Nice motivational speech from our lead guitarist.
He's funny too.
He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone sex.
[AS STEPHEN HAWKING] What are you wearing? [IN NORMAL VOICE] That's not-- He does it better.
He said he was gonna take me to the gym so I'm gonna go practice my sit-ups.
Wow.
Humongous man crush, dude.
Yup, it's officially a bromance.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Hey, Sheldon.
Are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree? No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Saturnalia? Gather around, kids.
It's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died pagans brought evergreen boughs in their homes as an act of sympathetic magic intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring.
This custom was appropriated by northern Europeans and, eventually, it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
Okay, well, thank you for that.
I got you and Leonard silly neighbor gifts -so I'll just put them under my tree.
-Wait.
-You bought me a present? -Uh-huh.
Why would you do such a thing? -I don't know.
Because it's Christmas? -Oh, Penny.
I know you think you're being generous but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity.
You haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation.
Don't feel bad, Penny.
It's a classic rookie mistake.
My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
It's okay.
You don't have to get me anything.
Of course I do.
The essence of the custom is that I now have to go and purchase a gift of commensurate value and representing the same level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me.
It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Okay, forget it, I'm not giving you a present.
No, it's too late.
I see it.
That elf sticker says "To Sheldon.
" The die has been cast.
The moving finger has writ.
Hannibal has crossed the Alps.
I know.
It's funny when it's not happening to us.
-Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
-No, no.
I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
It's happening to us.
LEONARD: Ow.
Ow.
DAVID: Are you gonna make it? -Yeah, I guess.
Thanks for letting me try out your motorcycle.
-No problem.
-I had no idea it was so heavy.
Thing just fell right over on me, didn't it? Heh.
Yeah.
Lucky for you it wasn't moving.
-Oh, hey, Leonard.
Ooh, are you okay? -Oh, yeah.
It's just a little motorcycle accident.
Oh, my God.
How fast were you going? I don't know.
It was all such a blur.
[CHUCKLES] Good one.
He couldn't even get it started.
-Hi.
Dave.
-Hi.
Penny.
So it's your motorcycle? -Uh-huh.
-Oh.
Is it okay? Lucky for the bike it landed on my leg.
-Mind giving me a hand with Speed Racer? -Oh, yeah.
Sure.
So, um, Dave, how do you know Leonard? -I'm a physicist.
-Ha, ha.
No, you're not.
DAVID: Why is that so surprising? PENNY: Well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoors-y and pale.
LEONARD: I'm not indoors-y.
I just wear the appropriate sun block because I don't take melanoma lightly.
So are you and Leonard working on an experiment together? -Yeah, we are.
-We're examining the radiation levels of photomultiplier tubes for a new dark-matter detector.
Sweetie, sweetie, Dave was talking.
You know, I love science.
-Since when? -Since always.
Call me a geek, but I am just nuts for the whole subatomic-particle thing.
DAVID: The last thing I would ever call you is a geek.
Oh, well, that's what I am.
Queen of the nerds.
Hey, if you'd like, I could show you the lab we're working in.
We've got some cool toys, you know.
Lasers and stuff.
You know, I have always wanted to see a big science lab.
-Since when? -Since always.
Leonard, are you okay here? -Yeah, I guess.
-How about we go see it now? Afterwards, we take the bike up the coast, we grab a bite to eat? Um, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Let me just get my jacket.
[DOOR CLOSES] Boy, she'll do, huh? Yeah, if you like that type.
So you and her? -No, just neighbors.
-Really? I don't know how you live next door to that without doing something about it.
Actually science is my lady.
-Okay.
Let's go.
-All right.
-See you tomorrow, Leonard.
-See you.
Bye, Penny.
Have fun.
SHELDON: Yes? Did you forget your key? Well, I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
You're kidding.
You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps.
That's the estrogen hat trick.
What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla.
It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear.
I told you before, bears are terrifying.
Come on, bath stuff.
It's perfect.
You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff.
Spearmint-and-green-tea-scented bath oil promotes relaxation.
That presupposes Penny is tense.
She knows you.
She's tense.
We all are.
Buy a basket.
-Excuse me, we're ready.
-No, we're not.
Let's say for a moment that I accept the bath-item-gift hypothesis.
I now lay the following conundrum at your feet.
Which size? This one.
Let's go.
-You put no thought into that.
-I'm sorry.
Ah.
This one.
Let's go.
I have insufficient data to proceed.
-Excuse me, miss? -Yes? If I were to give you this gift basket based on that action alone and no other data infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Excuse me? Here.
Now are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother? I don't understand what you're talking about and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
See? Sounds just like you and Penny.
We'll take it.
Hey, Leonard.
Come, join us.
Oh, hey, Dave.
And Penny.
What a surprise.
Hey, Leonard.
Dave was showing me around the university.
You know, this place is unbelievable.
Yeah, I know.
I've been offering to show you around for a year and a half.
You always said you had yoga.
-I never said that.
-Maybe I heard you wrong.
A lot of words sound like "yoga.
" This is an amazing woman, Leonard.
She has a curious and agile mind.
Not to mention being curious and agile in other respects.
Shut up.
Yes, please, shut up.
So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't gonna detect itself.
I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could experiment with Penny.
-Really? We're gonna do an experiment? DAVID: Uh-huh.
We're gonna explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
That's not an experiment.
You saw what happened last night.
DAVID: You ready to go? -Yeah.
-Oh, can I drive the motorcycle? -Yeah, why not? You can't do any worse than Leonard.
-Oh, my God.
-No, that's good.
That's funny.
By the way, my leg is killing me.
Thanks for asking.
Mm.
Great news, Leonard.
I've solved my Penny gift dilemma.
Yippee.
You see, the danger was that I might under- or over-reciprocate but I have devised a foolproof plan.
I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress.
Then I'll look up the price of her gift online choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I'll return the others for a full refund.
Brilliant.
It is, isn't it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.
-Do whatever you want.
-Thank you.
That's very gracious.
Gentlemen? HOWARD: Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did and get Penny a new boyfriend? My leg is killing me.
Thanks for asking.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Okay, I have just one question for you.
While I am perfectly happy with the way things are you said that you didn't wanna go out with me because I was too smart for you.
Well, news flash, lady: David Underhill is 10 times smarter than me.
You'd have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to beat him at checkers.
Next to him, I'm one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes.
So my question is what's up with that? Why are you yelling at me? Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Never mind, we're cool.
Dave is not smarter than you.
He's an idiot.
Really? Why would you say that? Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
He tried to take nude photos of you? That's what you took from that? The guy is married.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sor-- Oh, that's terrible.
And you.
If you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you jealous? Well, that-- The important thing is he's married and that's terrible.
Nice save, genius.
-Eggnog? -Lactose.
It's just rum.
It stopped being eggnog, like, a half an hour ago.
Smooth.
Smoother than you.
Come on, it's Christmas.
Just give me this one.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
By the way, my leg is killing me.
Thanks for asking.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
-How's your leg? -Very good.
Thanks for asking.
Come on in.
Oh, good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts.
You'll be pleased to know I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Okay.
Here.
I should note, I'm having some digestive distress so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed.
Oh, a napkin.
Turn it over.
"To Sheldon.
Live long and prosper.
Leonard Nimoy.
" Yeah, he came into the restaurant.
Sorry the napkin's dirty.
He wiped his mouth with it.
I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy? Well.
Yeah, yeah, I guess.
But look, he signed it.
Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy.
Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
Be right back.
-Here, open it.
-Oh.
Oh.
A gift certificate for motorcycle lessons.
-Very thoughtful.
-Yeah, and I checked.
Not letting the bike fall on you while standing still is lesson one.
Oh, then I think you'll appreciate what I got you.
Okay.
" 101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids.
" You know, because you're so into science.
Sheldon, what did you do? I know.
It's not enough, is it? Here.
Leonard, look.
Sheldon's hugging me.
It's a Saturnalia miracle.