Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

The Cushion Saturation

[PAINTBALLS FIRING] HOWARD: That was close.
God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.
Yeah, still funny, Raj.
[PAINTBALLS FIRING] No way we can get to the ridge.
The Chemistry department has us cut off.
What about the creek bed? The Pharmacology department controls that.
And they're all hopped up on experimental steroids.
That's it then.
We're doomed.
Time to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some failing to attend Physics department paintball strategy meeting.
I told you, my mom has spider veins.
I had to take her to the laser clinic.
And I told you I wanted to see a doctor's note.
We need a plan.
How about Operation Hammer of the Gods? Which one is Hammer of the Gods? We hide in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee.
No, the dumpsters are deep in Astronomy department territory.
Shouldn't be a problem, Venus is up during the day.
They're probably just all staring at the sky.
All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat.
Did you see Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth's Athens and Sparta? Not important.
Leonard, Raj and I are gonna burst out the door and run away.
Howard will cover us.
But why don't I run away and you cover me? Because you chose your mother's veins over victory.
On three.
One, two, three, go! [ALL SCREAMING] I had to take her.
It's almost bathing-suit weather.
[PAINTBALLS FIRING] [HOWARD SHRIEKS] I surrender, don't shoot.
They went that way.
LESLIE: Howard, I'm on your team.
Oh, Leslie, thank God.
-Where's the rest of your squad? -Uh.
They left me here to die.
What about yours? -Dead.
All of them.
-Sorry.
Don't be.
It was friendly fire.
They just wouldn't listen.
Well, we're surrounded.
So I guess there's nothing for us to do but wait to be captured or killed.
Hm.
That's the worst part.
The waiting.
All the while knowing that there's a paint pellet out there with your name on it.
Yeah.
The big wet ball of death.
[PAINTBALLS SPRAYING SHED] Kind of makes you feel more alive, doesn't it? It kind of does.
I say we make every moment count.
I agree.
How exactly do we do that? [PAINTBALLS FIRING IN DISTANCE] LEONARD: Howard, why aren't you covering us? We're getting slaughtered out here.
War is hell.
Did you see the new budget memo this morning? Yeah, more cutbacks.
Unacceptable.
It baffles me why they don't simply let some of you go so there's money available for my research.
You know what baffles me, Sheldon? Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.
LESLIE: Hey, guys.
-Hi, Leslie.
I got the approval for the rapid prototyper.
That's great, Leslie.
Thanks.
You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
[GROWLS] What was all that about? Oh, uh, no big deal.
They gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
Yeah, okay, but what's with the back scratching and the meow? I believe the back-scratching metaphor describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides services to the second party -in compensation for a similar action.
-Thank you.
The meow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.
-Are you done? -No.
Despite what the name suggests the civet cat is not a true cat.
Now I'm done.
You know what? I'm thinking Howard wasn't making a back-scratching metaphor.
I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
What about it, Howard? Okay, I didn't wanna say anything because I know you and Leslie have a little history.
-I don't care about that.
-Great, I'm dying to say something.
You and Leslie? In the paintball shed.
Twice.
Is that why you didn't cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals? Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
My good man.
Dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.
Court martial, schmort martial.
Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with.
I mean, for free.
And plus you got a rapid prototyper.
That's an expensive piece of equipment.
The rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
Okay, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment and you're not and that's unfair.
But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not.
And that's delightful.
The whole thing froze.
I don't know what happened.
Calm down.
We'll figure it out.
How can I calm down? I'm gonna lose my shopping cart.
That's three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell.
-Hello, Penny.
-Hello, Sheldon.
You're in my spot.
-Are you planning on sitting here? -No, I'm going to the comic-book store.
-What difference does it make? -What difference? Here we go.
That is my spot.
In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency.
If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero, zero, zero, zero.
What? Don't sit in his spot.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Fine.
Happy? I'm not unhappy.
Boy, I love him, but he is one serious whackadoodle.
Okay, that should do it.
Oh, thank you.
You are a lifesaver.
That's a lot of shoes you ordered.
Yeah, you know the sad thing is, it's really not.
Ooh, is this one of those paintball guns? You ought to come with us sometime.
Oh, no, thanks.
I'm from Nebraska.
When we shoot things, we wanna eat them or make them leave our boyfriends alone.
Ha, ha.
[PAINTBALLS FIRE] PENNY: Oh.
Boy, your heart's racing.
I must have really gotten you going.
Well, it's partly you.
Partly my transient, idiopathic arrhythmia.
Sexy.
Can I assume that you've likewise found the experience? Satisfactory? That wasn't quite the word I was looking for but sure, I'll do this pass-fail.
Hey, are you enjoying that prototyper I got you? Oh, it's great.
Everybody in the Engineering department is eating their hearts out.
Isn't it nice when your good fortune makes others miserable? You know, most people don't get that.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ [SHOUTING] : Howard, I'm home! -Oh, great.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Book club was canceled.
That thing on Phyllis' neck opened up again.
I'm busy, Ma.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Too busy to help your mother with her zipper? Don't come in, Ma.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Why not? -He's got company! Oh, there's the arrhythmia.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Is she Jewish? -Are you Jewish? -No.
[SHOUTING] Yes! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Okay, then you kids have fun.
Use protection.
You think he'll notice? There's a chance.
Oh, what are we gonna do? "We"? No, no, no, you had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now.
Right now, you are you, and you are screwed.
-Why do we have to tell him I did it? -Not gonna tell him I did it.
Okay, okay, how about this? We tell him somebody broke in.
Just to shoot the couch with a paintball gun? I'm sorry, I buy it.
All those people are on drugs.
We could tell him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend.
Okay, fine.
Well, what if we just flip it over? There.
Looks fine, right? Butt print.
There's no discernible butt print.
Oh, come on.
There.
Butt print.
It's too small and too perfect.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Shh.
Act normal.
Sheldon! -How was the comic-book store? -Fine.
The new issue of Flash is out.
Great, great.
Did you walk the whole way? It's a little chilly.
-Koothrappali picked me up.
-Isn't that terrific? He is such a good friend.
You know what the best thing about friends is? They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason? No, no, friends forgive the little things.
-I'm gonna go home and wash my hair.
-Don't you dare, missy.
Hello, fastest man alive.
Wanna see me read your entire comic book? Wanna see it again? Something's wrong.
-What do you mean? -I'm not sure.
It doesn't feel right.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, that.
Penny did that.
[WHINES] Excuse me.
[MUMBLING] Oh, God.
Why don't you just eat in your desk chair? Why don't I just eat in my desk chair? Here we go.
That is my desk chair.
That is where I work.
I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot.
I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Whackadoodle.
You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.
Get up.
There, problem solved.
Nobody cares where you're gonna sit.
You're not crazy.
Excuse me, but the problem is not solved.
If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in its place would that be "problem solved"? If it were your head, it would be.
Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it's only for a week.
Can't you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry, I didn't really think that through.
You claim it's going to be a week.
I have no faith in your cleaner.
-Why not? -Did you notice the sign on his counter? He's not a full-time dry cleaner.
He also makes keys.
Oh, for God's sake, Sheldon.
Focus is important.
Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hair dresser? Thanks for discovering penicillin.
Now how about we try a bouffant? [CELL PHONE RINGING] Oh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight.
HOWARD: Hey, baby.
-His right hand is calling him? No, it's Leslie Winkle.
It's a long story.
[SHELDON MOANING] Sure.
I'll pick you up in 10 minutes.
Gentlemen, adieu.
I thought we were gonna play "Halo" tonight.
What am I supposed to do? There's a woman out there anxious to have sex with me.
You understand, right? No, not at all.
Nevertheless, I must depart.
By the way, did I tell you Leslie pulled strings and got me on the trip to Geneva to check out the CERN super collider? That's not fair.
You're not even a physicist.
There are two ways of looking at this-- -Get out.
-Bye.
You're improving.
Thank you.
It helps when I get to practice with a real woman.
Hey, listen.
Saturday, my sister's getting married.
I want you to come with me.
It's black tie.
Yeah, gee, I'd really rather not.
Why not? When I go to weddings it's to scam on chunky bridesmaids.
I don't know what I would do with a date.
Oh, all right.
I understand.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm really sorry about that Geneva trip.
-What about it? -Oh, didn't you hear? I had to reduce the number of people going and you didn't make the cut.
When did that happen? About 12 seconds ago.
Hold on.
Are you saying if I don't go to the wedding, I can't go to Geneva? Well, actually, I'm trying not to say it.
Okay, I'm sorry, but that makes me a little uncomfortable.
-How so? -Because it's like you're controlling me with new equipment and research trips.
If I weren't controlling you with equipment and trips, I'd be uncomfortable.
-How so? -Because we'd be in a real relationship with feelings and all that crap.
So bottom line, I'm just a bought-and-paid-for sex toy.
No.
No, no, not at all.
You're also arm candy.
So, what do you think? [SHOUTING] Hey, Ma, you gotta rent me a tux! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there? Why are you crouching there? This is my spot.
Where else am I supposed to crouch? [KNOCKING ON DOOR] I don't know, Texas.
Here.
Fresh from the cleaners.
Good as new.
Really? Great.
Sheldon, look.
Good as new.
From that key maker? I highly doubt it.
Come on, Sheldon.
Just give it a try.
All right.
There.
Nice and comfy-cozy.
Zero, zero, zero.
There's one more zero.
You forgot the time parameter.
Sit on the damn couch.
Nope.
What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it? Nothing, it's what's wrong with him.
-It's exactly the same-- -Penny, Penny.
I know what to do.
Sheldon, I have some bad news.
More? I'm afraid so.
You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights? Yes, from Szechwan Palace.
Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.
What? -Where did my cashew chicken come from? -Golden Dragon.
No.
No, this isn't right.
No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers.
I keep them in the trunk of my car.
But-- Oh, this changes everything.
I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
What's real? What isn't? How can I know? -You did make that up, right? -Oh, God, I wish I had.
-Leonard? -Yeah, buddy? I still don't like this cushion.
Okay, first of all -Penny, thank you for coming.
-Oh, thanks for the shoes.
Penny is an amazing shot.
I think we have a chance to win this week.
-What's the plan? -Okay.
Now, we all run out Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees.
Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks.
We'll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone in sight.
All right, just one thing before we start.
What is it, Sheldon? What the hell? That was for my cushion.
Sheldon, Penny was our only hope.
I'm sorry, Leonard.
But revenge is a dish best served cold.
Screw that.
She can't shoot me.
She's dead.
He's right.
You can't.
Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy.
Okay.
See you.
Where are you going? Surrender, then Denny's.