Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

The Wheaton Recurrence

[PANTING] Having a little trouble catching your breath, there? No, I'm good.
If my P.
E.
teachers had told me this is what I was training for I would have tried a lot harder.
[LAUGHS] Do or do not, there is no try.
Heh.
Did you just quote Star Wars? I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Ha, ha.
Oh, my God.
I am lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
[PENNY LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] I love you, Penny.
Uh.
Heh.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
-I just wanted to put that out there.
-Oh, yeah.
No, I-- -I'm glad.
-Yeah-- Oh, good.
-Good.
Glad is good.
-Yeah.
Ha.
Ahem.
No-- Um.
So, heh.
It's getting pretty late.
We should, tsk, go to sleep.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Yeah, probably.
-Okay.
Good night, sweetie.
-Good night.
[TV PLAYING] Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants? Sheldon says impossible, Howard and I say not only possible but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than the Batmobile.
You are ignoring the square-cube law.
The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its exoskeleton.
For the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jetpack, hover board, transporter, Batmobile and then giant ant.
Seriously, you have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants? -What's with him? -Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
Are you saying he's man-struating? Not literally.
But as far back as the 17th century scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
Interesting.
That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month.
You know what I'm talking about.
Okay, forget giant ants.
How about giant rabbits? Big or small, I don't like rabbits.
They always look like they're about to say something, but they never do.
Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size.
On a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.
Maybe that's what they wanna talk about.
Leonard, where do you stand on giant rabbits and scrotal position? I honestly don't care.
Really? Every time we've talked about unusual animal genitals you've always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions.
What do you want? I just don't give a rat's ass.
Would that be a giant rat's ass? For the record, giant rats are possible.
Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet? Okay, how about this for a topic: "Why is Leonard being a giant douche?" Assuming giant douches are possible.
Of course they are.
Leonard's being one.
-Maybe he's having a spat with Penny.
-No.
There was no spat.
-Oh, but something happened.
-I don't wanna talk about it.
But I sense you're going to and I don't wanna hear about it.
Excuse me.
What'd you do, Romeo? Did you pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack? Think it would be funny to put on her panties and jump around but it wound up just creeping her out? -What? No.
-Just asking, dude.
It happens.
You guys still on for bowling tonight? Oh, yes.
In fact, I've prepared some trash talk for the occasion.
Ahem.
You bowl like your mama.
Unless she bowls well.
In which case, you bowl nothing like her.
Oh.
Ouch.
That is what is referred to as "a burn on you.
" -Did you ask her to start waxing? -No.
-Did you start waxing? -No.
While making love, did you accidentally spank your own ass and cry out, "Mommy"? I'm walking away from you now.
-That wasn't a no.
-Yeah.
Think we're getting close.
Did you take a Benadryl and fall asleep while pleasuring her? Because you can die that way.
Oh, that would be a good way to go.
-Hi.
-Oh, hey.
Good, Penny.
Reminder, bowling tonight at 7:00.
Oh, right.
Bowling.
You don't have to come if you don't want.
No, no, it's okay.
I mean, let's face it, you would get creamed without me.
We would indeed.
In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Yeah.
It's always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
-Sarcasm? PENNY: Thinly veiled contempt.
-Remember, 7:00.
PENNY: Got it.
-Pacific Daylight Time.
PENNY: Bite me.
Please reserve that butch spirit for the lanes.
I thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.
These are my own bowling shoes.
Then what's with the disinfectant? I know where my feet have been.
Hey, Penny.
And you guys.
Albino Bob couldn't make it, so I brought a substitute.
I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.
Hi, Sheldon.
How's it going? Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton.
The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man.
The Pope Paul V to my Galileo.
The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.
Not carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you? I'm the proud owner of Wil-Wheaton-stinks.
com dot-net and dot-org.
What does that tell you? It tells me that I am living rent-free right here.
-You ready to bowl? -Oh, I'm ready.
I don't know if Stuart told you what you're up against but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League Championship team.
Seven-to-12-year-old division.
Also, Penny's pretty good.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Great.
Then it's on.
Foolish Wil Wheaton.
It was never off.
Yes! A common spare.
The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant.
Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment watch how it's really done.
I am the ball.
My thoughts are its thoughts.
Its holes are my holes.
Yes.
Tweet that, Tweety Bird.
-I just wanted to tell you I'm a big fan.
-Oh, thanks.
I'm sure you're probably sick of Star Trek questions but Whoopi Goldberg, you ever hit that? Ah.
Beer.
The magic elixir that can turn this poor, shy Indian boy into the life of the party.
Oh, yeah.
-Chili-cheese fry? -Yes.
I love chili-cheese fries.
-Really? You love them? -Yeah, why? No reason.
Just glad to hear you're comfortable saying you love something.
-You wanna get into this right now? -Get into what? Why wouldn't you love the chili-cheese fries? They've been in your life a long time.
They make you happy.
They deserve to know.
Okay, look, you caught me by surprise last night.
I didn't know what to say.
Now you've had time to think about it.
What do you wanna say? -I'm not sure.
-How can you not be sure? -This isn't the place to have this.
-No.
The place was in bed after I said, "I love you" and you said, "Thank you.
Good night.
" -Don't push it, Leonard.
-I am not pushing anything.
You are.
You don't get to decide when I'm ready to say "I love you.
" Ah.
The premature "I love you.
" I guessed premature.
Does that count? Penny.
Penny.
Penny.
-What? -This is for you.
-Ice cream? -I've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip "Cathy.
" When she's upset, she says "ack" and eats ice cream.
Um.
Ack.
And if you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.
Did Leonard send you over here? No.
We haven't spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer, Wil Wheaton.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.
-Again, I'm sorry.
-Let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morissette.
-You're kidding.
-No.
Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.
What part of this is supposed to make me feel better? The part where I tell you I've engineered a rematch with Stuart's team for tonight.
Oh, honey, I don't know.
Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.
You want me to remove him from the team? I'm the captain, I can do that.
No, no, that's okay.
Just let me talk to him and I'll get back to you.
-When are you going to talk to him? -I don't know.
He's in the laundry room now.
Now would be a good time.
You're not gonna leave me until I do it? Oh, I think we both know the answer to that question.
-I think we should talk now.
-What? No, it's okay.
We don't have to talk because there's nothing to talk about.
-Everything's good.
-Really? So you didn't get snarky because I said something nice to a bowl of chili fries? All right, maybe I overreacted.
So we're in two different places, emotionally.
So what? And maybe I'm a little ahead of you, and that's fine.
In fact, it makes sense, because let's face it I've been in this relationship two years longer than you.
Look, Leonard, you have to know how much I care about you.
It's just that I've said the L word too soon before and it didn't work out very well.
Really? I wouldn't know what that's like.
I'm sorry.
-You know what I'm talking about.
-Yeah, I do.
-So we're good? -Yes, that's what I'm telling you.
We are good.
We are great.
All right.
Fence mended, problem swept under the rug.
Time to bowl.
Yes, I was eavesdropping.
There's a lot at stake.
Attention, all bowlers I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
-The Wesley Crushers? -No, not the Wesley Crushers.
The Wesley "Crushers.
" -I don't get it.
-Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
Still don't get it.
It's a blindingly clever play on words.
By appropriating his character's name and adding the S we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.
I'm sorry, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like people who like Wesley Crusher.
No, again, it's not the Wesley Crushers.
It's the Wesley "Crushers.
" No, if you want it to mean you're crushing Wesley it'd be the "Wesley" Crushers.
Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers.
It's not the "Wesley" Crushers, it's Wesley "Crushers.
" Hey, look.
They named their team after me.
No, it's not-- Never mind.
So we're all clear on the bet and the stakes? Oh, yes.
The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor.
FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Belakovsky hypotheses.
Ouch again.
Hey, Sheldon.
I wanted you to know I'm looking forward to wiping the floor with you.
Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question.
Is your mother a good or poor bowler? -After you.
-No, after you.
As we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
It's customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.
All right.
It's a custom, not a rule.
I so loathe you.
That's right, Sheldon.
Embrace the dark side.
That's not even from your franchise.
I, um-- I want you to know that even though we're on opposite sides I bear you no ill will.
-Thank you, Stuart.
It's nice to know.
-Mm-hm.
People from opposite sides often have good relationships.
You know, Romeo and Juliet Tony and Maria from West Side Story.
What's-his-name and the big, blue chick in Avatar.
I'm gonna bowl now.
Be the ball, Howard.
Leave me alone, Sheldon.
You weren't the ball.
Hey, thanks.
-This is fun, huh? -Yeah.
It's good we got out and did something physical.
-Mm-hm.
-Gets us out of our heads.
You get in your head you start to over-think, over-analyze, obsess, you worry.
That's not what we're doing tonight.
We're throwing a ball at some pins.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Mm-hm.
And someday, we don't know when, maybe you'll love me back.
Ooh.
I'm up.
ALL [CHANTING]: Sheldon.
Sheldon.
Sheldon.
Excuse me.
I don't know who you're chanting for, as I am currently the ball.
ALL [CHANTING]: The ball.
The ball.
The ball.
Thank you, Jesus! As my mother would say.
I'm glad you patched things up with your boyfriend.
Yeah, me too.
It's tough when the L bomb gets dropped and you're not ready.
Tell me about it.
I dated this one girl, and I told her that I loved her and she said she wasn't sure.
And she strung me along for almost two years.
It was brutal.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Thanks.
I wish she had just broken up with me right there.
Put me out of my misery.
-Really? -Yeah.
Would have been kinder.
-Wil, you're up.
-Oh, that's me.
Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head? -What are you talking about? -He's evil.
He plays evil mind games.
-Did he tell you his grandmother died? -No.
If he does, don't believe it.
He's not above playing the dead meemaw card.
Yes! Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton.
But like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.
-Penny, you're up.
-All right, remember -his meemaw's alive and be the ball.
-Yeah.
I got it.
-Oh, we really need a strike here.
-I know.
-Take your time and concentrate.
-Leonard, stop pressuring me.
-I'm not pressuring you.
-You are.
Just back off.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'll shut up.
I didn't mean shut up.
Fine.
Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.
[SIGHS] No.
This isn't fair to you, Leonard.
I'm sorry.
Wait, where are you going? Penny, come back.
I'll get you ice cream.
-No, let her go.
-Are you insane? If she leaves, it's over.
Pretty sure it's already over.
WIL: Tough luck, Sheldon.
You did this, didn't you? Do you think I would break up a couple just to win a bowling match? -No, I suppose not.
-Good.
Keep thinking that.
Wheaton.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Yep.
I'm telling you, the Match.
com chicks are much looser than on eHarmony.
Oh.
You know, I gotta call you back.
I won a bet and it's time to collect.
I don't know about you, but I feel empowered.