Big Bang Theory s07e23 Episode Script

Almost there.
You're doing great.
(strained): Thanks for lifting my spirits.
Next time, try lifting the box.
Please hurry.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I don't need a treadmill! The doctor says you need to get exercise! I get plenty of exercise! Crushing my will to live isn't exercise! If she isn't gonna use it, then why are we doing this? She'll use it.
All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham.
All right.
Now what? We set it up in Howie's old room.
Do you know how to set it up? Please, I'm an MIT-trained engineer.
I think I can handle Ma, look out! (Mrs.
Wolowitz screams) I told you this thing would kill me! Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! So she's gonna be laid up for at least six weeks.
Poor Mrs.
Wolowitz.
Should we do something for her? I know.
Let's go see the new Spider-Man movie.
Sheldon, we're talking about your friend's mother.
She got hurt.
I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it.
It's called reading the room, Amy.
Hi.
Hey, how were things on the set? Uh, pretty good, actually.
So the movie's not as bad as you thought? Oh, no, it is, but I decided, instead of complaining about it, I'm just gonna go in every day and give it my all.
Good for you.
Thanks.
There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone's ever seen.
I don't know.
The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler's List is tough to beat.
Ah, very good.
Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.
It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon.
(chuckling): I know.
(sighs) Okay, she's all settled in the guest room.
Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
You mean a forklift? Howie I'm sorry.
I just can't deal with this right now.
Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that? Bernie, she's gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks.
Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet? I would do it for my mother.
Yeah, of course you would-- you're a loving person.
I'm what my people would call a putz.
Look, I'm not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have? We get a nurse.
Preferably someone from a Third World country who's used to suffering and unpleasant smells.
You'd hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That's so cruel.
Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I need to tinkle! Sounds like a job for a loving person.
Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet? You are a putz.
As advertised.
Thanks for coming with me.
Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no.
Aren't you gonna get I brought my own.
No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
Is that a real thing? Well, until they invent nose condoms, I'm not finding out.
Emily! Hey! Oh, hey, Raj.
Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon.
Sheldon, this is Emily.
Oh, yes, you're the dermatologist.
I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen.
Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about? Um, you know what? I better go.
My movie's about to start.
Are you here alone? No, not really.
What do you mean, "not really"? Hey, should we get our seats? Yeah.
It was nice seeing you.
Um, I'll call you later.
Yeah, okay.
That was awkward, right? Uh-huh.
Is it because she's dating you but was out with that other fellow? Yes.
Good.
I thought she saw something on my forehead.
And action.
Please don't shut me out.
Go away.
Just go away.
I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla? I was trying to save your life.
Life? What life? Look at me! I'm a monster! And now I have blood on my hands, or paws.
I don't know.
You can't give up.
I love you.
I love you, too.
But I'm afraid I love killing more.
Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you! (shrieking) And cut.
All right.
All right, let's set up for the next scene.
Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
Let's just move on.
No one cares.
Well, (scoffs) I care.
I mean, look, if we're gonna do this, why not try and make it something we're actually proud of? (clears throat) Look, sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, 'cause if it was a good movie, you wouldn't be in it.
Whoa, whoa, hang on.
There's no need to insult her.
And who are you? I'm her boyfriend.
Isn't she too hot for you? A little, yeah.
Well, boyfriend, get off my set.
You can't do that.
He's with me.
You know what? You can get off my set, too.
You're fired.
What? You can't fire me.
I'm the star.
I'm the girl that goes bananas.
It says so on the poster.
Yeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face.
So from now own, the star of the movie is whoever wears this.
Hey, if you're gonna fire her, then you have to fire me, too.
Wow, that fell apart really fast.
Thanks for skipping the movie.
I couldn't sit in that theater for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.
Oh, quite all right.
After my forehead melanoma scare, I've learned not to sweat the small stuff.
Well, sorry, I don't have all the ingredients to make chai tea.
You don't have to make me anything.
No, I do.
You're upset about Emily and you're Indian.
I need to make you chai tea.
Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds.
Do you happen to have any on you? Sorry, I left them in my turban.
Oh, I'll make English breakfast tea.
They destroyed your culture.
That's close enough.
You know, I'm curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man? Wouldn't you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else? Can't happen.
We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.
But you don't have sex with her, either.
(chuckles) Slick, huh? To be truthful, Emily and I haven't dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.
Have you had intercourse? No.
Well, stick to your guns.
There will be a lot of pressure.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I'm hungry again! It's like the world's fattest cuckoo clock.
You know, you're always talking about having a baby someday.
This is exactly what it's gonna be like.
No, it's not.
Come on.
The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling.
We're even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own.
Maybe you're right.
Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth.
I'm just telling you now, if we do have kids, don't expect me to do all the work.
Hey, I'm a very paternal person.
I'd be excellent at taking care of a baby.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I'm still hungry! I'm coming, you big baby! You know, the only thing worse than doing a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is getting fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.
Forget it, man, it's crap.
You just move on to the next thing.
Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say.
You used to be famous.
Hey.
I just lost a job for you.
You're right, I'm sorry, you're famous.
Penny, it's not about being famous.
It's about the art.
It's about the passion we have for our craft.
(phone dings) I have an audition for Sharknado 2! If I book this, I am totally gonna pay you back for this beer.
God, what am I doing with my life? You having second thoughts about acting? You were on set, you saw what it was like.
Yeah, but it's not always that bad.
Oh, really? What about when you did, uh, Anne Frank at that cute little theater? It was over a bowling alley.
Yeah, but there was ample parking.
Are you done? And you were so good in the TV commercial.
It was for hemorrhoid cream.
And I got itchy and swollen just watching you.
Leonard, you are really not cheering me up.
Come on.
How can you be sad when you're going home with all five-foot-six of this? Hmm.
You think you're five-foot-six, that's funny.
I don't understand it.
I'm a nice guy, I have a great job, I'm well-educated, come from a good family Why don't women want to be with me? (sighs) An interesting question.
Well good night.
What? Don't send me home.
I can't be alone right now.
That's your problem.
You can't be alone.
What do you mean? How many women have you had dates with? Eleven.
How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion? Eleven.
Wait.
Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con? Sure.
I'll stick with 11.
She liked Howard better.
Well, now do you see the problem? Maybe.
I I don't know.
You It's late, I-I should I should go.
(sighs) Look, I-I do get what you're saying.
Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.
I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it's my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door.
Good night.
Howie, I'm back! Shh-shh-shh, I just got her to sleep.
Sorry.
What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away.
They only had regular yogurt.
I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes.
Then why do I smell coffee on your breath? So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha.
A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen.
Queen? I've been killing myself here! Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, (high-pitched voice): "I'm nice.
I want to take care of people.
" I'm glad I got that mocha.
And you know what else I'm glad about? I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car! MRS.
WOLOWITZ (moaning): Howard! Thanks a lot.
Now I have to go rub her belly again.
(knocking at door) Hey.
Thanks for letting me come over.
Of course.
Please, come in.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am about tonight, and I want to make sure that we're okay.
Uh, look, you and I haven't made any commitments to each other.
I know.
I just felt like I needed to explain.
The guy I was with did my last tattoo, and he's been asking me out for months.
I finally said yes just to get it over with.
It's okay.
Really? Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that's my issue, not yours.
Wow.
If I saw you out with another woman, I'd be pretty upset.
Thank you.
Not just for being upset, but for believing that could happen.
Just so you know, I'm not seeing anyone else.
Well, me, neither.
Okay.
Okay.
(laughs) Please.
So, uh you you have tattoos? Yeah.
I don't.
I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.
That's cool.
It's a piercing.
So, uh how many tattoos? One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one really not on my shoulder.
It's, uh been a long time since I've seen a girl's really not her shoulder.
(chuckles) Well how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos? But, uh, before I take my shirt off, I just need like ten minutes to do some crunches.
Oh, my God.
What a day.
Can I get you anything? (sighs) No.
I need to start making some smart decisions.
(exhales) With your career? With my life.
Like what? I don't know.
We could get married.
Come on, be serious.
I am.
Why? Because I'm a-a "smart decision"? Well, yeah.
So I'm like a bran muffin.
What No, that's not what I'm saying.
No, it's exactly what you're saying.
I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you.
What does it matter? The point is, I'm choosing you.
Well, it matters a lot! I don't want to be a bran muffin.
I-I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop-Tart.
Something you're excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
No, no.
No, it's too late.
I-I'm your bran muffin.
Probably fat-free and good for your colon.
You know what? Forget it.
I never should've brought it up.
You know I want to marry you, but you're only doing this because you got fired and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could have happened to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Then what do you need? You, you stupid Pop-Tart! Oh.
Then I guess I'm in.
Really? You "guess you're in"? Not like, "I guess I'm in.
" Like "I guess I'm in!" Okay.
Cool.
So is that it? Are are we engaged? Yeah, I think so.
All right.
What's wrong? I'm not sure.
Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Yeah, it kind of does, huh? Oh, I know.
This might help.
Where did you get a ring? I've had it for a couple years, not important.
Penny will you marry me? Oh, my God, yes.
(laughing) (sighs happily) This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger.
How you feeling? Last night was a little rough, but I think we're gonna get through this.
I'm proud of us.
Me, too.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Where's my pancakes?! (accent): Coming, Mrs.
Wolowitz! You were right.
Welcome to Team Putz.