Big Time in Hollywood, FL (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - A Night In

1 Previously on "Big Time" Mr.
Scoles? That's me.
Turns out that Del got my oldest son hooked on drugs.
Hey, Del you stay away from Ben and Jack Dolfe.
We need you, Del, okay? Ben (On phone) Cuba Gooding Jr.
's here and he wants to work with us.
My best friend needs me.
Stupid junkies never learn.
[Ben] What the hell was that, Jack? [Jack] I don't know, but I think Cuba just got kidnapped.
Oh, my God who the hell are you? We're gonna have to have a little talk.
What? Drive.
Scoles (V.
) I have this dream.
(Metronome ticking) Scoles (V.
) I'm just a boy in my pappy's ranch.
And standing right there across from me is pappy himself.
See, pappy died when I was just a boy.
But in my dream, he's just standing there looking at me.
And I yell over to him, I say "Hey, pappy! What are you doin' over there" but pappy don't say nothing So I pull out a snubnose and I plug him twice Right in the chest, no hesitation.
I'm looking down at his wound, blood running down his chest.
But when I look up I realize I'm the one that's bleeding out.
And old pappy Ain't even there.
Then I wake up, and I've spent the better part of my life trying to figure it out.
Suddenly I realize that pappy don't answer Because there is no answer.
There's just death and that's it.
So I'm gonna ask you a question.
And when I start asking questions I'm gonna need an answer.
Okay? Or you're all just as good as dead, you understand? Um, yeah.
I'm sorry who are you again? Harvey Scoles.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Rainbow whoa oh whoa oh rainbow Okay, um, sir? If I can just if this is about what happened On the last episode of to catch a paparazzi It was really just, I think, a huge misunderstanding.
To catch a papa what? It's a show.
- We ambush paparazzi scum - yeah.
And we shove a camera in their face and we ask them How they like it? It's a show, huh? Yeah, I guess, sure.
- In Hindsight, it didn't do well.
- Yeah.
I got an idea for a show.
It's called how to catch a prick.
Yeah, and you guys are in the first episode.
Are you shooting it right now? See, what happens is, I take my .
38 Special And I stick it right in the mouth of a prick.
- Oh! - And then I say - Is it loaded? - Oh! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on, okay? - Wait, wait, wait, wait! - Wait for what? Shut up, you! - Hold on! Del will blow you! - Oh, no! Yeah, Del, suck his [Bleep]! Listen, you better start talking and tell me what you're hiding! We're not hiding anything, I swear to God, okay! Cuba Gooding Jr.
made us do this! Agh! Okay! Okay! We'll tell you whatever you want! I promise you, we will tell you whatever you want to know.
All right, then, let's start from the beginning.
(Soft romantic music playing) Oh, gosh-darn it, did I forget a butter substitute? That's gonna be a biggie.
- [Diana] Alan? Alan! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Here, here come on.
- [Diana] Okay.
- It's a surprise.
- Where are we? Okay, now have a seat.
Sit down, there's a chair.
Oh, sitting.
Ah! Oh! - And voila.
- Oh! I have prepared a romantic evening for the two of us.
Oh, Alan - We have pot roast.
- Uh-huh.
- We have demi-glaced carrots.
- Mmm.
Actually, you know what? I'm not really sure that demi-glaced is the correct term.
It looks wonderful.
- How about a little wine, my lady? - Oh, please.
Oh, a screw top, huh? Well, you know, many modern, expensive wines Actually use screw tops now.
So that's an expensive bottle, huh? - This one in particular? - Mm-hm.
[Jack] I mean, basically, we didn't want to get kicked out Of our house and obviously we didn't mean for Jimmy to get hurt.
[Jack] And we don't know what the hell is going on with Cuba.
[Jack] I mean, we just want to make our movies.
And that's pretty much it.
So this Jimmy Staats was an actor.
Is that what you're saying? Yes, sir, he was a he was an actor.
Right And together you got him killed.
We we really didn't mean for it to happen.
- you have to believe us.
- No, no, it was It was an accident.
We are so, so sorry.
You have to understand.
I swear, we didn't mean for it just how it just happened.
Please, please, don't kill us.
You know you three are probably the biggest morons on the whole planet.
We really are.
[Jack] We are the stupid - and Del is the dumbest one.
- He's he is.
No, no, no, no.
I am positive of this.
It was on the third date that I cooked for you Because that is when I won you over.
Oh, no, not with your cooking, Alan.
It was that leather jacket.
I might just still have that.
Ooh, I hope so.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Uh, a little more wine? - Mm-hm.
That screw top wine's delicious.
It only cost $3.
[Diana] No way.
- [Scoles] Here you go, buddy.
- [Jack] Yeah! Here you go, here.
(Laughing) It is harsh.
I never drank before.
You're so stupid, you let your little brother convince you That you were a dope addict.
Yeah, I went to rehab and it was awful.
He's a jackass.
You'll do anything he says, won't you? Yeah, I guess I will.
[Jack] Ooh.
- Move over.
Move over, guys.
- Ah, get in here, sit down with us.
- Let me sit down.
- No, you're the best! Oh, easy, Del! He holds his liquor like a 90-pound girl.
Except he weighs about as much as a double-wide trailer.
I'm fat.
He lives in a trailer! Even I can afford to live in a motel.
Hey, remember, you remember I kept sticking that gun in your mouth? Yeah.
Is is loaded? Like, is it loaded? Is it loaded? That's me! (Gun fires) Agh! (All yelling) - Oh, my God! - Oh! - What was that, Jack? - I don't know! I don't know! - What happened? - I have no idea! He just he put a gun in his mouth, asked if it was loaded And then shot himself! Why would he do that to himself? I don't know! (Heavy breathing) Del! I don't think he's gonna make it, Jack! What are you doing? Have you seen a single episode of CSI? Miami or New York? Your DNA is all over the fuckin' body! Jack! What are we gonna do? The police are definitely gonna know we were here! Yes, don't you think I know that? Shut up! Well, do you really want to try and explain that to them? Think, think, think No! Okay, okay, okay Okay, here's the plan.
We gotta wash all your goddamn saliva off the body! Yes, yes! We need to clean up any evidence that proves we were here.
- Yes.
- When the cops come in We want them to go, "yep, classic suicide "Case closed, let's get some donuts.
" But it was a suicide.
Which is exactly what they would have thought If you hadn't slobbered all over his goddamn body! I am CPR certified! - You shut up! - Agh! Agh! Alan, you are so bad! No, no, no, I'm not I'm just saying Now that the boys are out of the house, maybe every once in a while, we could oh, honey, honey, please, please, let's just - let's enjoy this walk.
- Okay.
Name me three things better than a good walk.
- Oh, I can name you three.
- Oh, you you stop.
but no, I was gonna say walking to the bedroom - Oh, no.
- Oh, my! [Alan] For the love of Saint Pete.
- Oh, God.
- No.
Well, at least Ben has an alibi this time.
Oh, gosh, this is on there good.
Yeah, they got it in my mouth.
Harvey Scoles, P.
private investigator.
He's a private investigator? Hello? I mean Harvey Scoles, room 19, yeah, I'm gonna need a ton of bleach.
Uh, why? Because I, uh [bleep] Himself.
I crapped myself.
No, don't come in, it's everywhere, floor, ceiling, walls.
So, yeah, can you just drop it off at the door? Okay, thanks, toots.
Oh, Jack, why the hell is a private investigator following us? I mean, come on! I have no freakin' clue.
I don't even think he was following us.
I thought he was following Del.
- What? - Del, why the hell was a privat goddamn it! What are you doing? I thought I saw him breathe! He's not breathing! He shot himself in the head! (Gun fires) Oh! Oh! What the hell was that? I think he shot himself in the head again.
What? What? Jack? You stupid asshole Okay, maybe the first bullet didn't kill him.
So he decided that yes, he still wanted to die And shot himself again a second time.
Still suicide.
Okay okay.
- [Diana] Look at that.
- [Alan] Look at us.
- [Diana] Look at you.
- [Alan] The gruesome threesome.
(Both laughing) - [Diana] Oh, this is fun.
- [Alan] Uh-oh! Oh! Do you remember that? - Of course, I do.
- Oh, my God.
World's number one bald asshole.
Yeah, you know, I gotta say, even though that kind of hurt my feelings a little bit It's still pretty creative for a six-year-old.
- It's so smart.
- Smart boy.
- Ah! - Ah! - Mm.
- Mm-hm.
What do you say we go to our room? Hm? - For real? - Want to? Yeah, I say to that, my lady A-okay.
I got it.
Oh, thank God.
Hopefully the police won't notice there's two holes.
We are ready for bleach.
Okay, good, put some on his lips and a little on his head Because Del just fished out the bullet with his bare hand.
Oh! What the hell are you doing? I'm pouring the bleach on him.
Yeah, well, you're dumping it all over the place.
- So.
- So? What, he just shot himself in the head and then kind of showered himself in bleach? You know what? I don't know, Jack! Because this is the first time I watched someone commit suicide Then tried to cover it up to make it look like he committed suicide! Okay, well, great.
Del, help me get his clothes off.
Goddamn it.
Sick and tired of doing everything myself.
What? We are only in this situation because of you! - Because of me? - Yeah! I can't wait to hear this one.
- Oh, you want to hear this? - Yeah.
All right, does this sound familiar? Hey, Ben, how about we extort $20,000 from our parents Because that sounds like a good idea.
Oh, yeah, and if the police hadn't showed up, we would have $20,000! - Oh - My God! Oh! Goddamn it! What the hell is that? He's still alive.
Okay, I googled it, it's called a "death erection".
Ugh ugh It happens when you die from severe head trauma.
So, it's legit.
Yeah, that is your legit, classic suicide, just like you wanted.
Okay, okay, hold on.
I think we can use this.
What is this guy? This guy is a desperate, lonely drunk.
So what do desperate, lonely guys with erections do in motel rooms? Apparently, he shoots himself twice in the head And then douses himself in bleach.
- What are you doing? - I got an idea.
Yes! His phone! Here we go.
Seven calls this week to a D.
D D.
D Danny DeVito.
Donald Duck.
- Like Double D.
- Boobs! Yes! Some slut comes to visit him in the motel room, that's perfect! Gentlemen, I give you the ultimate physical evidence Of a sexually frustrated drunk at the end of his rope An ill-advised dick pic sent to a hooker.
What if D.
is a guy? None of that matters anymore, Ben.
Join the 21st century.
- Del, take his dick out.
- Okay.
[Alan] Kitty cat (Diana giggling) You're such an animal.
- Oh, come on, it's 3:00 in the morning! - Oh! Oh, well, honey, let's just check.
It could be the boys.
Leave it alone.
I don't want it to be the boys.
Well, let's just see.
Just in case.
Okay so who's arm is that? And, uh Sincerely no wait love.
- Love - Harvey.
Okay, read it back.
I killed myself.
Love, Harvey.
Yeah, good, all right, let's put it on his chest Change our clothes and get the hell out of here.
Alan, please, let me explain the situation.
Hey, I've already seen the situation And that horse made me feel like half of a man! Alan, look at me.
Listen to me.
I promise you I am not having an affair.
This picture came from a private investigator that I hired To keep an eye out on the boys! Private investigator? Yes, I always knew he was weird, but this is just crazy.
I love you, Alan.
I love you.
I would never want anyone else.
Well, that doesn't make me any less ticked off! We had a discussion about the private investigator! And you went around behind my back anyway.
Well, I was worried about the boys.
I wanted to be sure they were safe.
I know how to look out for my own children.
Alan, I love you, honey, but you're not that kind of man.
You're a sweet man.
That's a good thing.
Well, if you need this sweet man, he's gonna be down on the couch.
Sweetie? Sweetie, I'm sorry! Okay yeah.
What do we think? Great, all right! Let's go! [Female operator] You have reached the voice-mail box of [Scoles] Harvey Scoles.
Hey, there, Mr.
private investigator, listen up! This is Alan Dolfe.
I'm calling you and warning you to stay the hell away from my wife! How dare you send her a picture of your [operator] If you're satisfied with your message, press 1 or hang up.
What? Oh, oh Come on.
- To re-record, press 2.
- Oh, gosh-dang it! - Or just say, record message.
- No! Record message? Hello, this is Alan Dolfe.
Listen up, you S.
I just happened to see that little oh, and I do mean little, picture you sent my wife! I will thank you to keep away from her And you will thank me for not coming over there and whompin' [operator] If you're satisfied with your message, press 1.
No! No! Son of a bitch! - Or just say, record message.
- Re-record message.
You are gonna pay for what you did to my wife.
Oh, good heavens Okay, I've been thinking about it, and I think that what we should do If anybody asks, is just say that, I don't know, we were out - I'm done, Jack.
- What? I'm done.
I don't want to invent any more stories, or stick to the plan anymore.
I just want to have a normal life, like mom and dad are always saying.
What are you talking about? I mean, even Harvey said it.
He said, you listen to everything your brother tells you.
You do whatever he says, like I'm your puppet or something.
Harvey? What? Yes, it's been a hell of a night But we are so close, okay? - We're not close! - And if Cuba Gooding we're not close, Jack.
We've we've never even been close.
Do you want to quit the dream? The dream? In the last week, I've gotten a man killed Lied to the police, tried to flee the country Checked myself into rehab, was almost raped, and then pumped full of lithium Broke into some random family's house, and tortured some school teacher Was kidnapped, and then had a gun shot into my mouth Which, by the way, was one chamber from killing me! It's been a bad week! You think? How is that my fault? You know what? The crazy thing is, it's not your fault.
It's just as much my fault for listening to anything you ever say! Okay, if you really want out, there's the door! Good! I'm gonna go then! Fine.
I guess you're just not cut out for the biz.
I guess you're right.
So long, brother.
You know, we can still be a team, Jack.
[Jack] I'm not in the mood for jokes, Del.
Got the pictures? Bingo! Alright everybody, listen up.
My name is Special Agent Everet Maloy.
From now on, you will answer to me, and only me.
Congratulations! This investigation just went federal.
- Hey dad! - Ben? I'm clean.