Big Time in Hollywood, FL (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Hand That Feeds

1 BEN (V.
O.
) Previously on Big Time We gonna make a movie.
And cut! Can we get Rico a robe? You will have one take.
Do you understand? You just make sure your people are in place.
- I'm working for the cops.
- What? I'm sorry, Del, but if your friends are involved in this they're going down through RICO, too.
Did he say Rico? Are you wearing a [BLEEP]ing wire? What the hell are you doing? He said he was gonna bring us down through RICO.
He's working for the cops! - We gotta go.
- Wait! Now! [DEL] I don't recall.
That jog your memory? Huh, Del? Ugh You're out of time, Del.
Do you know what they do to plump, little popcorn kernels like you in prison? They fill you with seeds you understand? You know what they say? There's no greater joy than a big butt boy.
Now only you can stop that, Del.
Now if I can trust you, we can be friends.
I don't hurt my friends.
Tell me something to make me trust you.
Tell me something I can believe.
We killed Jimmy Staats.
Oh oh, no, oh, no! Goddamn it! What'd you [BLEEP] yourself? - Agh! - Somebody clean this punk up.
Rainbow whoa oh Whoa oh Rainbow Okay, what's happening and where are we going? Yes, we have got to stop Rico before that back-stabbing chimp turns us in! The chimp is not a narc, you idiot! - He's not! - They're trying to indict us for the drugs! So wait, wait, drugs? What drugs? Holgado the investor! I owe her money! You think I wanted to do this movie? You two are two of the [BLEEP]-iest directors I've ever met! And now that you screwed everything up they're gonna bring us all up on RICO charges! - So it is the monkey! - It is not the monkey! Will you stop yelling at me? I'm trying to put it together! - You're both yelling! - RICO is an acronym! Oh, my God! He's an acronym? I thought you said he was a chimp! Will you make up your mind? It's a law! - Let me ask you something.
- Yes.
Are your brains made up of dog [BLEEP]? - No! - Okay well, then listen to me very carefully.
RICO is also a law, it stands for racketeering and corrupt operations or some [BLEEP] like that.
But more importantly, it also means we are [BLEEP]! This movie is a front for Holgado and the cops know it! That's why we're not going back to the set! Because when they raid that mother[BLEEP] we're all getting 20 years apiece.
20 years for you, 20 years for you.
And we're not selling information on Holgado! Because when she finds out she'll kill you and every single member of your family! So what are we gonna do? I got a guy, he's gonna help us start all over.
So I suggest you soak up these next few hours because they're gonna be your last in these United States of America, my brother.
You can believe that [BLEEP].
[ZDORKIN] Well, he gave you a lot, but nothing on Holgado.
No, nothing I can use, but enough to get a search warrant for that little flop house the brothers have been keeping over on Crescent.
All right, I'll call it in.
Let's take these guys down.
And somebody clean this son-of-a-bitch up.
Yes, sir.
Can I get a napkin, please? Jesus Christ.
Hey, hey, man! It's Cuba! No, no, no, I got your money.
Just make sure you got everything ready in an hour.
All right, hey, man, literally you are a life saver.
All right, peace out.
All right, my guy got us hooked up, new passports, new IDs, new everything.
Tomorrow this time, my black ass is gonna be in Cuba.
It's like Cuba is gonna be in Cuba.
Ho-ho! Does that mean you're gonna tuck your [BLEEP] in your butt? I didn't even think of it that way! Yeah, Cuba inside of Cuba.
I was thinking he would be in Cuba, but you said Ow! - First porno! First porno! - I'm okay! All right? I was trying to lighten the mood, you grumpy asshole!! - Shut up! - Oh, man! - Jesus! - Now listen - [BEN] God! - The new IDs are 200 grand a piece.
So I'm gonna need you to clear out the rest of that production money.
What, so that's it? Are we just gonna give up on our masterpiece? That's right, we're gonna give up on that master piece of [Bleep].
You got that right! Now where's that cash at? Where am I going? What cash? The money, the Please do not tell me you just blew all of that production money.
Oh, the cash! No, we didn't blow all the cash.
Okay? We're not stupid.
- Yes, we still have 4.
5 million.
Actually.
- 4.
5 Where, mother[BLEEP]? Where? We can take you to it.
- Take it, take you there - We go right.
You're already taking a right.
Police! Go, go, go! Clear! Go, go, go! All clear! - Listen up, everybody! - [OFFICER] All clear! Everything in here is evidence! I want it bagged and tagged pronto! Put an APB out on both the Dolfe boys.
Yes, sir.
I need an APB out on the Dolfe boys right now! [ZDORKIN] Everything in this room is evidence! [ZDORKIN] Okay, I want it bagged and tagged, ASAP.
[BEN] Right here and stop.
This is it! Back in a jiff! Where are you going, the bank? Yeah, we didn't stash it in a McDonald's.
It's in the bank accruing interest.
It it's closed! That's why I'm using the ATM.
No wonder why you're broke.
Yeah, we didn't have any credit, so we had to put it in our dad's business account.
What? Yeah, it was a lot of cash.
We weren't gonna stuff it in a mattress.
You put five million dollars cash in the bank? [JACK] Yeah, in his business account.
Don't worry, he's not gonna check it, he didn't make any money.
You can't withdraw $600,000 from the ATM.
Yeah, we can, we have his card.
- Hey, Jack? - Yeah.
It keeps saying it's a $300 max.
What? No, that's a mistake.
Did you try again? - Get in the car.
- Maybe it means "at a time".
- At a time? At a single time? - Get in the car.
I mean, I guess what we could do is just keep going from ATM to ATM to ATM.
- We don't have another option.
- That's gonna take forever.
- Get in the [BLEEP]ing car! - Okay.
- Hey - Shut the - Shut your mouth! Shut your mother[BLEEP] mouth! - Okay.
- He's cracking up.
- Ssh! Okay yeah.
[JACK] Okay.
Change of plans.
Change of plans.
MAN'S VOICE (OVER INTERCOM) Hello? Yo, yo, yo, it's me! MAN'S VOICE (OVER INTERCOM): I know a lot of me's, dude.
It's Cuba, man, quit playing.
MAN'S VOICE (OVER INTERCOM): Come on in, man, I'll be down in a minute, I'm in the can.
[JACK] Who is that? [CUBA] Just shut the [BLEEP] up and let me do all the talking.
- [BEN] Yes, sir.
- [JACK] All right.
[BEN] Look at this place.
- This is awesome.
- Who's house is this? - Cuba! - Jason! Hey, how are you, my friend? Such a surprise I thought you were kidding when I got that text.
- That's Jason Alexander.
- I know.
These are my guys, Jack and Ben.
Uh-oh, bodyguards I give, I give.
Uh, whoa And they legit filmmakers.
Oh, filmmakers, that's very good, that's great, Jason.
- Good to meet you.
- Yeah, love your work.
Fantastic work, you guys yeah.
Well, come on in! Don't stand around, come on! - My [BLEEP]! - Come on! Oh, my God, he just said that he likes our work.
You think we get him in the movie? Yeah, I mean, after this thing blows over, I think we might.
So I'm talking to my accountant on the phone the guy's having a fit, he's out of his mind.
He's like, "Jason, these checks are coming in so fast "I don't know where to deposit them.
" I I don't know what person makes this kind of money.
And I said, "Well, what the hell are we talking about? How much money am I sitting on?" And he goes, "$25 million!" Is that sick? Right? How does a person make that much money? Probably like, uh, from Seinfeld, right? Oh, probably Seinfeld.
- Seinfeld? - [JACK] Yeah, yeah.
- [BLEEP] Seinfeld.
- Wow, okay.
Seinfeld can suck my [BLEEP], all right? Human trafficking.
Sweet, sweet deal, this is a niche business.
You gotta check this out.
Now I found a guy, great guy give you a number.
He goes over to China twice a year.
I don't have to go.
I'm sitting right here in the living room.
I got my phone, it's on Face Time.
He lines these kids up, right? And he goes down the line, you know, and I'm going yes, no, yes, no, no, no, yes.
The ones I like, he sets up into this hull of a ship, you know, and the ship comes in.
We thought about a plane, but the TSA is a [BLEEP]ing pain in the ass.
So it takes a couple of weeks, they're fine.
They're not gonna resist, they're kids, right? They load 'em in this warehouse downtown.
I walk in there, and now it's like a casting session.
I go, "This one doesn't look like he did in the picture.
" We just throw we throw them right out.
And the kids are so adorable, you know, at that age? It's like an uncle, niece, nephew kind of thing.
Sweet, Uncle Jason, Uncle Jason you hear that all the "Uncle Jasah, Uncle Jasah" you hear that all the time, "Uncle Jasah" Hey, I feel like a bad host, come on, let me get you something to drink.
What do you say? I I was thinking something with a little edge to it.
- Or we could also go? - Shut up.
Okay, or something with some edge to it.
You want something with a little edge.
You know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean.
Don't be shy.
Come on, my man! Uncle Jasah hook you up, come on! That's what I'm talking about.
[JASON] Valhalla awaits.
Whoa.
I thought we were trying to leave the country? [JACK] This is a weird night.
Knock, knock, somebody call a nurse? Darla? Del? White carpet, gentlemen, please wipe your feet.
And bow your heads as we Shema Yisrael Holy hell.
Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad.
Oh.
- State your pleasure, gentlemen.
- Whoa.
Would you like to ride the lightning saddle the pony, or drain the lizard? Pick your poison.
What did you say, ride the lightning? Most of this stuff came from the president of Sri Lanka.
He was a big fan of Dunston Checks In.
- Love that movie oh! - Oh! Come on! - Not again! - What are you doing? I'm saving our lives! Now get over here! Oh, God! Come on now, grab this stuff, let's go! - Oh, God - Hurry up! Put it in the bag, man! - Come on! - You killed Jason Alexander! He's all right, just get this cocaine, let's go! Jesus! Put this in the car and come back.
- Oh, God.
- Hurry up, man! Come on, let's go! - All right, let's go! - Okay, okay! Ho-ho! Oh How's that going? Doesn't make an ounce of sense.
Radioactive chimp becomes a cop, becomes a wizard.
Why shoot this piece of crap? Can't charge them with poor taste.
It's right here under my nose, Zdorkin.
I just can't sniff it out.
(SNORTING) (GROANING) Ah, Jesus, what the hell? Oh, my God, oh, Jack, what the hell are we doing? Oh, I don't know.
We just gotta get the hell out of here! Oh, yeah, then we can go back there and help Cuba rob more coke from Costanza! - Ooh-ho-ho.
- Cuba you didn't have to get all physical, man.
That was a good vase! Agh! Why does he keep doing this? He's an Oscar-winning actor! I don't know! He has a problem, okay? Okay.
I didn't know you were so freakin' crazy.
I'm genuinely sorry, my brother but desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wouldn't worry about calling the cops.
By the time they get here, I'll be long gone! Oh, don't worry, I'm not calling the cops.
- Oh, my God! - Oh! Was that an explosion? Agh! Agh! We gotta call 9-1-1! We're not calling 9-1-1! We have cocaine and money! Agh! - What if Cuba's hurt? - I'm sure he's fine.
Agh! Agh! I'm really gonna enjoy this! - Okay, let's go.
- Yeah.
Agh! I'm sorry! Let go, brother, let go! I'm sorry, Jason Alexander! I love you, buddy.
What the [BLEEP]? FIXER (OVER PHONE) Hello? Hey, hey, it's Cuba! - FIXER (OVER PHONE) Cuba! - Yeah, man, hey! FIXER (OVER PHONE): What's going on, are you okay? Hey, no, I'm good, man, I just No, I'm not, man, I'm in a bad way, brother.
I'm gonna need a doctor.
FIXER (OVER PHONE) Are you all right? No, it's good, I got your money! - FIXER (OVER PHONE) Okay, perfect.
- Yeah, I'm on my way now.
FIXER (OVER PHONE) I got your new IDs right here.
But but make sure that doctor is there, all right? FIXER (OVER PHONE) No problem.
I got it for you.
Whoo! Agh! Ow! Agh! There we go there.
How are you? Are you okay? Ah, well, my nose hurts a little.
Agh! Yeah, well, my heart hurts a lot, okay? You left me at a bus stop.
No, wait, hold on, you don't understand! No, you know what, don't even apologize.
It was stupid to think that we could just go away together.
I know guys like you.
You're the hot guy who can just walk around town you put your arms out and you just collect ladies like a snow plow.
I'm sorry, Darla, but I didn't mean to Agh! Mother of God! - There.
- Wait, no Darla! I think I'm in trouble.
Maybe you deserve to be.
I'll see you later, Del.
Wait! Shoot.
[BEN] All right, Jack, what the hell are we gonna do now? Jack! Jack! - What? - What are we doing? I don't know, I don't know.
Who cares, man? Cuba's probably dead, Monkey Largo is over.
That was gonna be awesome.
I know, it was gonna be awesome.
It still is awesome.
I mean, there's still film in the can.
Do you ever think about the universe? You mean, like, the intergalactic travel universe or like what would happen if a black hole sucked me up into it? Yeah, that, and and like whether or not God exists.
Well, I hope he does, right? Isn't that what you're supposed to think? I mean, maybe it's not up to God to choose our path.
Maybe God just guides us, like he's the captain of a ship.
And he's making sure we get out to the ocean and that we're safe, no matter how far - Uncle Billy's boat! - What? We gotta go to Uncle Billy's boat! Uncle Billy's boat! - Yes! - Yes! - We're going to Cuba! - Yes, Cuba! [MALLOY] All right, let's go through this again.
[JACK] Oh, we're making a movie! [MALLOY] Why shoot this piece of crap? [ZDORKIN] There are rumors about your boy, Cuba owed a distributor upwards of over $100 million.
- [DEL] And I saw her.
- [MALLOY] Holgado.
[DEL] She was visiting with Cuba Gooding Jr.
[BEN] How do you like that goulash! [MALLOY] Son of a bitch.
Okay, come on, come on! - Oh, no, I dropped one! - We don't have time, we gotta go! Come on! - That's like $50,000! - What? I thought you said we don't have time? - It's worth $50,000! - Good point.
Okay, oh, here we go, here we go, here we go! Here we go, give it to me! Yes! All right, get it started, get it started.
Okay, here it is.
No, Goddamn it! What, what? The keys, get the keys! Check in there! Oh, look, the secret spot! It's not there! It's not there! Jack, it's not there! - Okay, I'm gonna hot wire it.
- Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What? - What did you do last time? - I just cut them all.
Well, don't do that again.
Yes, I know, I'm not gonna do that again.
Just making sure.
Okay, blue, blue, that's gotta be water.
- Maybe keeps the boat afloat.
- Don't cut that.
- Don't cut that.
- Red.
Danger! Right, probably the alarm.
- Don't cut that.
- Don't cut that.
Uh green? - Green - Green means go.
Green means go.
- It's go time.
- Cut that.
- Oh, come on! Again? - Oh, my God! What the hell's going on? You okay? Argo, you know it? Uh, I know a few people who have seen it.
I'm not much of a movie buff.
Argo was a fake movie.
I thought it was a real movie with Ben Affleck.
It's a real movie about making a fake movie.
Okay.
Now, our movie, Monkey Largo, it's a drug deal pretending to be a movie.
I mean, it's a front! The whole thing, Zdorkin! Look, look, look, look.
This is the movie permit.
A request to land at the pier to film this scene.
Now this is a scene where a boat pulls up to the shore, filled with drugs.
Cuba Gooding owes Holgado money, right? She's using him as the centerpiece.
She's hired those other morons to cover up any of her involvement.
She's gonna bring the shipment in through the movie! In broad daylight! Jesus Christ when? It shoots tomorrow.
Suck my [BLEEP]! - All right! - What are we gonna do? - Let's build a raft! - How are we gonna do that? I don't know, we scour the dock for wooden materials.
- Sounds good.
- Ben and Jack Dolfe! Put your hands in the air and get down on the ground slowly! [COP] You! Do the same! Get on the ground! I can't go out like this.
Get on the ground, Ben.
I'm gonna make a run for it, Jack.
Just shut up and get down! No way.
Okay.
Yup, okay.
Come on, man, open up! Cuba! Man, you don't know how glad I am to see your ass is back to work today! I just gotta get the passports, man, we gotta get the passports.
Tsk-tsk-tsk.
Sorry, man business is business.
Get in.
Come on! Oh, my God, Jack, I'm scared.
No, we'll just say what we have to.
Right? I mean, what evidence do they have? Yeah, it's all circumsizable evidence.
Yeah, plus we can say Cuba made us do it.
Yeah, okay, we'll just we'll just talk our way out of it.
- We'll talk our way out of it.
- Okay.
Welcome to the party, boys! I think I've messed up.