Bizaardvark (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Halloweenvark

1 (spooky music plays) (thunder crashes) Wow, Dirk.
Halloween isn't for another week.
Guess you're getting into the spirit early this year.
Halloween's coming up? Cool! That's not a mummy costume? No, I did a dare where I was tied to an anthill in the desert.
Got a touch of sunburn and several million ant bites.
The doctors gave me all new blood! Both: Again? (sighing) Um, Liam? Is everything okay? Oh, did you hear that? Sorry.
Sometimes I forget that my sadness escapes from my mouth.
What's wrong? I got a computer letter from my father.
He wants a special Halloween video on the Vuuugle home page.
(groans) I thought you loved Halloween.
Oh, I do.
It's the one day a year when I can scare children legally.
The problem is I forgot to ask anyone to make a video and now my father's inundating me with sternly-worded computer letters.
Can you please say "e-mails"? You run an Internet company.
Uh, Frankie and I could make a Bizaardvark video for the Vuuugle home page.
Okay but this has to be very special.
It can't be like the videos you two normally make, it has to be good.
Wait! I wanna pitch a Halloween idea.
It would be out of character for me to pass up a chance to overshadow my friends.
I wanna enter the hot dog eating contest, too! Dirk, we're pitching video ideas.
Sorry ants! Still got some stragglers in there.
But I'm in for the video thing.
Oh, goody.
I get to listen to everyone's ideas now.
Just FYI I'm free for whoever wants to put me in their videos, and I'm totally cool with taking my shirt off.
Just FYI, we are totally not.
Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Okay, we'll tell you our Halloween idea first.
Wait, do we have an idea? Follow my lead.
It's called Really, that's your lead? Okay, I guess we'll just have to wing it.
Uh, it's called "The Ghost of Hollander Prep.
" Paige: It was a dark and stormy night.
Frankie: Except this was Southern California, so it was a beautiful 78 and sunny.
Frankie: Paige and Frankie had a big test coming up.
So they did what any respectable student would do they tried to summon a ghost to haunt the school and shut it down.
Are you sure experimenting in the dark arts is the only way? Do you wanna fail that test, Paige? We either summon an evil spirit who may or may not wanna eat our souls (bell gongs) or we read chapter three.
Ahh! It's like 10 pages! Evil spirit it is! Calling all ghosts or do you text ghosts? I mean, nobody calls anybody anymore.
Frankie, look! The spirit is communicating with us! Paige and Frankie: "S-T-U-D-Y.
" "Study"? Are you sure the ghost didn't say "studly"? Maybe he was lookin' for me.
He wasn't.
Paige: Paige and Frankie worked together to summon the ghost.
It is I, Atticus Hollander.
That's right, it's grammatically correct to say "It is I," not "It is me.
" Of course, even the ghosts in this school are smart.
Oh, hey, I know you.
Aren't you the nerd who founded this place? Yes! Well, no, I'm not a nerd, but I did found this school as a haven for intellectuals like myself and to avoid popular kids like Tina.
Stupid Tina.
And her beautiful hair.
Ooh, can I play Tina? You can definitely audition.
Now I haunt all students who don't study enough.
Students like you! Heed my warning or suffer the consequences! All right, this is lame, let's go.
Ahhh! What was that? I don't know.
Probably nothing.
Let's choose not to worry about it.
See you tomorrow.
Frankie, great news, I just tried a cantaloupe for the first time, and Wait a minute.
Something's different about you.
Does magic chalk usually do your homework? (Atticus' voice) All the time.
Aw it's not that.
Oh, and your friends They're all, uh old! (Atticus' voice) You've met them before.
Oh, at the thing.
Oh, uh, and your voice.
Is that an impression? Who'd you learn that from? (Atticus' voice) You mean, "From whom did I learn that?" It's grammatically correct not to end a sentence in a preposition.
(screams) You're possessed by the ghost of Atticus Hollander! Get him out, Paige! He's trying to teach me things! (Atticus' voice) The 22nd president was Grover Cleveland and he served non-consecutive terms.
- Help! - Frankie! (Atticus' voice) Join your friend in academia, Paige.
Fill out these early admission applications for college! No! (Atticus' voice) Read this big book with all words and no pictures! No! Frankie: Paige was surrounded on all sides.
But luckily, in walked Bernie Schotz, ghost hunter! Did somebody order a half stick of dynamite? Unfortunately, he was vanquished immediately with Frankie's laser eye kill-y things.
Laser eye kill-y things? It's a real thing, bro.
All seemed lost.
As the ghosts surrounded Paige, there was only one way to escape.
Look! New calculators! (Atticus' voice) Where? Paige: Atticus chased Paige all the way back to school.
Little did he know she had a plan.
(Atticus' voice) Come on, Paige.
I don't wanna hurt you.
I just wanna quiz you on the state capitals.
(Atticus' voice) Wait Tina? Boo, y'all.
Oh, hey, Atticus.
Tina here was just tellin' me about this huge ghost party she's going to.
She wanted me to be her plus one, but not a ghost.
(Atticus' voice) Well, uh I'm a ghost.
I could come.
Really? It looks like you're kinda busy hauntin' that girl.
(Atticus' voice) Who? Her? No, I was just, uh looking for my keys.
Not here.
So off to the big party? You owe me! Frankie! Frankie, are you okay? Uh I think so.
What's the periodic symbol for gold? What's a periodic symbol? (gasps) I'm average again! (sinister organ music) Thanks again for saving me yesterday.
That was one crazy adventure we went on, huh? (Atticus' voice) You mean, "One crazy adventure on which we went?" (gasps) Atticus! That's right, Frankie, and you're not leaving this room until you finish your summer reading! (screaming) Wait, by the way, how'd things go with Tina? (emphatically) Not well.
(screams) Well, that was good enough, let's use that for the home page.
Both: Yes! In your collective faces! Wait! I have an idea, too.
Don't you wanna hear it? - Actually, I'd really - Here we go! (sighs) Buckle up, 'cause you're about to enter and wait for it, 'cause it's a really cool title.
All right, dare-heads, what's next? RobinGraves says, "I dare you to watch the haunted Vuuugle channel that curses anyone who sees it.
" Ooh, legend has it that anyone that clicks on that channel, their worst nightmare comes true.
Then I must have watched it, because I'm living it! All: Liam! What? Everyone can interject witty one-liners except me? Here it is! The channel of infinite horror! (jaunty banjo music plays) This isn't so bad.
(screams) - (screams) - (screams) (screams) - 'Sup bro.
- 'Sup bro.
- (screams) - (screams) Cool! Dare completed.
Whoa! What happened to this place? Safety warnings? A traffic cop? (whistle tweets) A giant Vuuugle sign? (screams) No! Wait that's always been here.
One mile per hour? I don't know if my body can move that slow! Hey! Oh, just a sec, Dirk.
We're in the final round of "Truth or Extreme Truth.
" I thought the game was "Truth or Dare.
" (Paige and Frankie gasp) Dirk, what are you doing? You know we live in a super-safe society now.
The "D" word is banned.
What "D" word? Dare? (everyone gasps) - But I'm DareMeBro.
- (everyone gasps) - I do dares! - (everyone gasps) - Dares! - (screams) This is getting way too hot, man.
The safety cops are gonna be here any second.
Sorry, Dirk, I am not goin' back to prison for you.
Let's get out of here as fast as we can! Given the rules of this society.
This is crazy.
If I can't do dares then I have no reason to exist.
There's only one person I can turn to Attention, everyone! Attention! I dare myself to Wait.
You can dare yourself? Yeah.
Loophole! It's all here in the DareMeBro handbook.
Chapter three.
Uch, it's like 10 pages.
I dare myself to eat this emoji pillow! (everyone gasps) Dare completed! (sirens) Dirk: Suddenly, Dirk was surrounded by the Safety Police.
Bernie: Led by hot shot Chief of Police, Bernie "The Wrecking Ball" Schotz.
(grunts) I hear we got a tough guy throwin' around the D-word.
You wanna break the law? Take your best Schotz.
(screaming) Tell my grandma I got kissed to death! I fell through a hole in the floor? I thought this was a super-safe society! Sorry, Bernie.
There was clearly a sign there to warn you.
Dirk: With Bernie out of the picture, a new, tougher Chief of Police took over.
Most people would have helmet hair, but I make it work.
(grunts) You can't arrest what you can't catch! Get him! But remember! Safety first! Watch out for paper cuts! (gasps) Henderson! We need a medic! Stay with me! No, Henderson! You'll tell your family you love them yourself! When you go home! Dirk: And Henderson did go home to his wife Stephanie and three loving children.
In a story I like to call Dirk, focus! One story at a time! - Fine.
Henderson knew - The other story? Okay! Dirk: Dirk was cornered by the Safety Police.
So there was only thing that he could do.
Look! New calculators! Dirk: But for some reason, it didn't work.
You can't control me! I was born to do dares! If I wanna dare myself to jump over this hot chocolate bar and do a handstand, nobody can stop me! If anyone needs me, I'll be back here, unconscious.
Dirk: Hours later, Dirk woke up.
Ohh guess it was all a bad dream.
Well glad things are back to normal.
Time to chainsaw some watermelons! Wait a minute.
What's wrong with this chainsaw? Hey! Hey! What's going on? Here we have the last man on Earth who tried to do dares.
Dirk: I'm not an animal! I'm a DareMeBro! A DareMeBro! (bangs on window) Don't worry he can't harm you.
He's safely enclosed for all eternity.
No! No! No! (screams) Commercial time, bro.
And Henderson made it to his daughter's wedding.
He walked her down that aisle, threw his Nobel Peace Prize into the ocean, and said, "No.
I do.
" Okay.
Looks like Paige and Frankie's video idea is still the winner.
Wait! I didn't get a chance to tell you my idea.
Prepare to be blown away by Am I gonna die in this one, too? Don't worry, Bernie.
You probably won't even be in it.
It started out as a normal day in the incredible world of Amelia.
I looked great, my nails were perfect, and I was doin' my part to help the less fortunate.
Oh, my gosh.
Your hair is so unfortunate.
Please consider my new product, Perfect Perfection Shampoo.
Wow, right off the bat.
Free shampoo.
Amelia, haven't you heard the news? A zombie apocalypse is gripping the country, caused by a new beauty product called Perfect Perfection Shampoo.
Eyewitnesses have described the zombies as horrific, brain-eating maniacs with just about the most gorgeous hair you've ever seen.
(Ameliacs in unison) Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
- No! - Perfectly perfect.
- Oh, no! - Perfectly perfect.
- (screaming) No! No! - Perfectly perfect.
(Dirk screams) Perfectly perfect, y'all.
Oh my gosh my product works! It also turns people into zombies! Well, beauty comes at a price, Paige.
(knocking on doors) Oh, no, they're here, what do we do? Fear not! I will save you! It's me Bernie Schotz, the hero of this story.
And there's no way anyone can kill me because I'm wearing lots of body armor and I have an invisible force field around me.
Amelia: But as usual, Bernie was no match for the slightest hint of female attention.
Hi, handsome! Want a scalp massage? Are you kidding? I'd die for one! (Ameliacs in unison) Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
(Bernie screaming) Oh, come on, I had a force field! Ameliacs: Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
We'll stay here.
Amelia, you run to safety.
No! I won't leave you.
Amelia you're the only thing that matters.
The only thing that matters.
Frankie: My only regret is I didn't spend more time complimenting Amelia! Oh, no! I wish I could've heard those compliments! Ameliacs: Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
Ooh! When did they put a mirror here? This is nice.
Oh, right, the zombies.
Ameliacs: Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
Don't worry, Amelia.
We won't hurt you.
We just wanna thank you for being an inspiration to people all around the world.
Aww The end.
Just when I thought that story was gonna zig it zigged.
You guys hear the part where the hot zombies touched me? Amelia, you can't end a zombie story like that.
I mean, if the zombies are still alive, what's to keep them from creating their own beauty channel and becoming more successful than you? Why, those ungrateful yet stunningly stylish zombies! Why don't we rewind? Ameliacs: Perfectly perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
It's Amelia, teachin' ya, how to die! (screaming) My new and improved formula will turn you into the opposite of me perfectly ordinary.
Was the whole point of that story to take a cheap shot at me? I don't do anything cheap.
So, which one's your favorite, Liam? Which one's goin' on the home page? Well, they're all remarkably adequate.
But I pick oh, I just got another computer letter.
All: E-mail! It's from Horse Face Guy.
Looks like he made a Halloween video, too.
(spooky dance music playing) Well, that's garbage.
But it's finished, so up on the home page it goes.
Hey, wait, you never got to hear my idea.
(everyone groans) It's called Bernie: Nothing could take down Bernie Schotz that night.
Not bad guys, not zombies, not stupid holes in the floor.
What about killer robots? Bernie: Wait.
What? That's right! Liam wins in the end.
(laughs maniacally) I'm still sad.
Happy Halloween.