Black-ish (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Who's Afraid of the Big Black Man

1 Dre: You know what truly makes America great? Community.
Americans understand that it takes teamwork to make the dream work.
This country is a giant melting pot of people who are committed to building a better life for everyone.
And even though we may have different mind-sets we all agree that if our community survives this country survives, only if everyone does their part.
And that's what truly makes America great.
[Elevator bell dings] [Elevator bell ding] Stevens: Mm, mm, mm.
The horror.
The horror.
I can't believe you abandoned a 3-year-old.
I think she was 4.
You monster.
If you watch closely, you can actually see her tiny spirit being crushed.
Faith in humanity.
No faith in humanity.
Faith in humanity.
No faith in humanity.
That is how serial killers are born.
Okay, look, I know it looks bad, but that is a little white girl.
And as a black man No! No.
You do not get to play the race card today.
Not with that.
Charlie: Sorry I'm late.
There was a little snowflake on the elevator, so I had to take the stairs.
- Me too.
- Careful, Dre.
Someone's out there setting traps.
I don't understand.
Why are you two so afraid of a baby? We don't have the luxury of being helpful because we're instantly seen as threats.
Well, that's just common sense.
I see any adult male as a threat.
The point is, we can't get away with half the stuff that you guys do.
[As Ralph Kramden] One of these days, Alice, pow! Right in the kisser.
["Dragnet" theme plays] How is it all right for Ralph Kramden to say that? - Pow! Right in the kisser? - It's so fun.
America's favorite TV character's catchphrase is to punch his wife in the mouth if she says another word.
Yeah, but he was a lovable Teddy bear.
What? If I was a TV character, my catchphrase would be, "Oowee.
" In the show, my wife name would be Wee.
And every week, she'll go one step too far, and I'll punch her in the mouth.
- Ch-Ch-Charlie.
- Relax.
It'd be a cable show.
Look, I'm sorry I'm late, boss.
There's a little white girl in the elevator.
Almost had me.
I saw my freedom flash right before my eyes.
So, some of my co-workers didn't get it, but I knew my family would.
I married a monster.
To be fair, as a black man, we can never be too careful.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Sighs] I remember my first little white girl in an elevator.
[Inhales sharply] Well You did the right thing, son.
- Dre: Mm-hmm.
- I'm proud of you.
- You're proud of him? - Damn proud.
Okay, this is insane.
What do you think would have happened if you'd helped the little white girl? I'm gonna help you find your mom, okay? All right, do you know what floor she's on? [Elevator bell dings] - So, Andre - Huh? What were your plans here today? Rainbow: No, okay, I get it.
You had to be guarded to survive the N.
'80s, but it is Drake Summer '16.
You don't have to be guarded anymore.
All right, I'm not gonna let you take this away from me.
- Pops is proud of me.
- Damn proud.
Guess what, guys.
I'm off tonight! Yes! [Chuckles] Cool.
And if I don't have to work, that means you get to spend some time with Bomby.
[Laughs] You get it? I'm a bomb mommy.
[Laughs] Jack's been calling me that.
I never ca I never called you that.
Yes, you did.
Okay, listen, guys.
I just want you to understand that these are some of the last moments that, you know, you're gonna get to spend with me because when the new baby comes, I'm gonna disappear until you're, like, grown up.
Well, come on, new baby.
Okay, well, listen.
You guys either get to spend time with me, or you go to your rooms.
- Okay.
- [TV turns off] - Zoey: Bye, Bommy.
- She I see you found their kryptonite.
- You.
- [Both laugh] - No.
- Yes.
- Nuh-unh.
- Mm-hmm.
No, I'm We're We were playing hide-and-go-seek.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
97 - 9 - Um you need to stop.
You want me to stop hide-and-go-seek? 'Cause they're expecting me to come find them.
They don't want you around because you reek of neediness.
- What? - Now, I could help you win them back with just a few simple techniques that I use on the ladies.
No, Earl.
Okay? I am not going to use your pimp game on my children.
No, I'm fine.
[Chuckles] 100! Ready or not, here I come! [Rich Homie Quan's "Flex (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh)" plays] Coming to find you! Sad.
So sad.
Walked in 30,000 in my pocket Hey, Uncle Johan, how come I can't find any of your spoken-word poetry? Mm, They Call Me Johan.
Yeah, I searched for Johan.
No, my poet name is They Call Me Johan.
So, technically, I guess they call me They Call Me Johan.
And now she screamin' like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh" How much you made? Made $2 million off a mixtape - [Volume decreases] - Hey, hey, come on.
We were listening that.
Hey, we are in Sherman Oaks, where it's illegal to jaywalk and illegal to scare the Caucasians.
You're not scaring anybody.
I know you millennials like to live in your pretend post-racial utopia, but this is the real world.
$50,000 on ya bitch she wanna me Got her screamin' like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh" If they're so scared, why do they know all the words to Rich Homie Quan? Yeah, dude, Rich Homie Quan don't even know all the words to Rich Homie Quan.
She gon' wanna sex every in the set And now she screamin' like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh" Now they're dabbing.
You're not gonna dab back? No, I am not dabbing back.
Come on, Dad.
They're trying to show appreciation for you culture by dabbing.
And you won't dab back? Seems rude Basic dab protocol.
I am not dabbing.
We'll do it for you.
So I love that the most, I do I'm her big dog and she my cat and she love it from the back Call her green 'cause she on go Now you're the only one not dabbing.
They mad 'cause they cannot stop me Stop it.
Stop it! Hey, hey.
Come to my spoken-word showcase! They call me They Call Me Johan! [Tires screech] Then I walked in 30,000 in my picket I'm not saying the world stopped being racist.
You just haven't noticed some things are different.
You got to listen so you can hear.
I'm trying to teach you, Dre.
I couldn't possibly hate you any more than I do right now.
Look, I'm serious.
Come get blessed at my showcase.
I spit gems on this topic.
I stand corrected.
I can hate you more.
So, Dad, are you saying Uncle Johan is wrong? Yes, Junior.
Things are just as racist now as they were the first time they canceled Arsenio.
- [Elevator bell dings] - The second time was his fault.
Woman: Yes, order for delivery.
6610 Heniger Street.
Yeah, there's a gate, but it's never locked.
You need my credit card.
Uh it's a Visa.
3310 For those of you who have never been black in America, trust me This is very confusing.
No, no, I live alone.
Just me.
And don't worry about the security cameras.
They're fake.
Very, very confusing.
So, if white people are scared of you, you'd be upset.
And now that they're not, you're still upset.
Well, if you say it out loud, anything sounds crazy.
Dre, what's going on? I'm losing my identity, Bow.
Look, when the whole world hates you, you develop armor.
You wear sagging jeans, rock chains, and expensive kicks like, "You don't like me? Cool.
I don't care what you think.
" But if I don't have that edge, then who am I? You're someone who likes necklaces and hoards lots of shoes.
Oh, my God.
I've turned into a middle-aged white woman.
Is this how Caitlyn Jenner feels? Dre, when you get stressed about these things, I'm the one who suffers.
You took the good sink! You don't get to take my struggle, Bow! Dre, I'm serious.
You wake me up so you can spend three hours dressing like you don't care what anybody thinks.
The neighbors give me the side-eye 'cause you treat them like Russian spies.
And I have never, ever seen the end of "Bagger Vance," - "The Help," "Driving" - I don't need to see them, Bow.
- I know how they end.
- Okay.
With Hollywood putting us back in our place.
Dre, you can't keep walking around like the enemy is around every corner.
It's not gonna kill you to wear the same pair of sneakers two days in a row or to just wave at the neighbors.
Just, like, wave at them.
Because if you don't change, babe, then they're not gonna change and nothing is gonna get any better.
I think what you're saying is my shoe game is holding up racial healing.
Yes, Dre.
So why not just lead with that? I don't know, but I'm glad I said it now.
Now we know it's your sneakers.
We got to bring them to the government so they can fix our world.
So I took Bow's advice and let my guard down a little bit.
I started by wearing the same shoes two days in a row, and I tried waving at one of my neighbors.
Is that Is that to me? You You never wave to me.
Don't take it personal, Janine.
I'm not a big waver.
You always wave to the gardeners.
Well, we go way back.
And the Vietnamese family that delivers our newspapers, you always wave to them.
Oh, and you always wave to those cute African-American kids that sell candy bars.
Uh, it's it's, uh It's not a pattern, Janine, so don't try to find one.
Have a good day.
I see hanging out with your children is going real well.
Yeah, it is.
[Laughs] - Just taking a little break.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, it's just I'm actually tired from all the fun we've been having.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
[Laughs] I got Rice Krispy treats, yeah! Eee! - Thanks, lady.
- Oh.
I'm I'm more of a cookie guy.
Oh, well Oh.
Zoey: I just feel bad for her.
Pops Yes? Will you teach me your pimp game? As you know, my résumé speaks for itself.
I have loved many women and been loved by even more.
Instantly regretting this.
Your problem is you try too hard, Rainbow.
But I have three moves that will make you seem less desperate.
First What? Make them wait.
Sh Mm-hmm.
- That is good.
- That's right.
- Yes! - You feel me? Oh, my [Laughs] That's so good.
Second, make them jealous.
Now, your strongest move would be to get another family, but that's not for everyone.
[Laughs] Oh, you Oh, you were serious.
You're serious.
I waved at a bunch of white people today, - and nobody called the cops.
- Oh, my God.
But the real victory I wore the same shoes I wore yesterday and still got three compliments.
I really love the way you keep things in perspective, Dre.
And one of our neighbors said there's an HOA meeting tonight.
So not miss out on a moment, - I think I'm gonna go.
- Hmm.
Uh, if you want some company, I'm happy to go with you.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
That's a good idea.
He just wants to go pass out his slam poetry fliers.
I'll bring them along just in case somebody wants to get woke.
So, I went to the HOA, and I saw how much I'd been missing.
In one night, I picked up some golf tips, learned a new handshake, and made an adorable new friend.
So, I see you've met Mr.
What are you doing here? I never miss an HOA meeting.
How do you think that tree over our pool got cut down? Oh.
Ah, Delores.
We need to talk about bringing in those trash bins.
I got to admit, attending the HOA meeting made me feel how Columbus must have felt when he discovered America.
Minus the genocide.
Okay, okay, we're all We're all friends here.
We can just be honest.
So, you know, the Persian family down the street.
Well, they're putting in columns, which I'm afraid makes it look a little too Persian.
[People murmuring] You know what I mean, Dre.
Well, it doesn't exactly fit into the neighborhood aesthetic.
Yeah, right? Told you guys he was cool.
And even though the website clearly says no guests, I'm so glad you brought They Call Me Johan because I've I got to hear his poetry.
Here we go.
I got a telescope for my third eye.
Guess you heard I came to Sherman Oaks to stay with my sister's folks.
I eat egg whites with my toast.
Too much cholesterol in the yolks.
They call me Johan.
- [Laughs] - I don't.
We should carpool to his showcase and get French toast.
- Why? - What was I talking about Oh-sidosies.
[Laughs] Well, looks like Janine's "not problem" is rearing its ugly head again.
Whose turn is it to drive her home? [People murmuring] Oh, my God.
You know what, guys? I'll do it.
Glad to lend a helping hand.
Why? Because we live in a Thanks, Dre.
[Chuckles] Ow.
Uh, what's for dinner? Give me a second, guys.
I'm I'm actually I'm playing "Candy Crush," so Should we order something or Mommy, I'm starving.
You know what, guys? I just realized I got to I got to go run some errands.
I'm gonna I'll be back.
But Do do do Do do-do do do do Do do do Junior, do the dab.
Johan, do the dab.
Janine, do the dab.
This is corny.
Siri, play N.
Straight outta Compton, a brother with his finger Siri, please don't.
All right, today has been very chill and very unaggressive.
Well, I hate to say I told you so, but, uh Oh, well, you know what? I'm a man that can admit when he's wrong.
As soon as I put my guard down and went to my first HOA meeting, got to participate in some casual racism - Ha.
- And now I'm driving a semiconscious white woman home in her car.
Life is good.
[Siren wails] I blame myself.
I can't believe I listened to Bow.
BBD clearly said, "Never trust a big butt and a smile.
" Dad, nothing's gonna happen.
And if it does, I have pre-paid legal.
And I can't believe I listened to these two idiots.
They got me to drop my guard and ignore 400 years of instincts.
Anybody seen my wallet? I need my I.
For what? We're just going up the street.
Let's roll.
And I wouldn't even have run into Janine this morning if I had taken my usual 30 minutes to eloquently respond to racist YouTube comments.
- [Keyboard keys clacking] - Dear K-K-Kevin [bleep] you.
What am I gonna do? People lose their licenses all the time.
Just tell the officer you made an honest mistake.
Funny story, I just started wearing skinny jeans, and my wallet doesn't fit in my pants.
[Cell door slams] Damn it! Janine, where's the registration?! Black lives are at stake! Dad, can't you just tell the officer whose car this is? I'm sure they'll believe you.
The registered owner of the car is this passed-out white woman.
[Cell doors slam] Johan: Before you explain anything, tell him you have a video camera.
Good evening, Officer.
I just want to let you know that I'll be videotaping tonight.
[Gunshot] [Rainbow crying] You think it's too early to holla at Bow? Mnh-mnh.
Grief is treating her so good.
Line starts behind me.
- Hmm.
- Oh, God.
I'll get in that line.
Hell, yeah.
[Sobbing] - Ooh.
- Mmm.
You know what? I'm tripping again.
This is Drake Summer '16.
I'm just gonna go talk to that officer and give him a reasonable explanation.
You know what? I'm gonna tell him Straight outta Compton A brother with his finger on the trigger But once I take out my [Siren wailing] Hey.
[Clears throat] So, your pimp moves are working.
[Chuckles] Do you think I could feed the kids now? I ate their supper.
What? Oh.
I get it.
You think if they're hungry, they'll appreciate me more.
- Now focus.
- Oh, okay.
You got to make 'em jealous now, Bow.
Then you'll have them eating right out the palm of your hand.
- Okay.
- But just figuratively 'cause I ate their supper.
All of their supper.
- [Kids laughing] - Here they come.
Oh, shoot.
Turn off your heart.
Just shut it down.
Oh, hey, you guys.
Gosh, I didn't even hear you come in.
So busy looking at pictures of your cousins that Oh, man, they've gotten so tall.
Oh, wow.
They make such insightful comments on Facebook.
- [Laughs] - I'll be the judge of that.
Diamond really is wise beyond her years.
I see cousin Cha-cha's dating an Abercrombie model.
- Yeah.
- Good for her.
Don't look at pictures of them.
Look at my real face.
[Chuckles] Oh.
Check out cousin Dante.
- Dre? - Hm? - What are you doing here? - What? I've been here in this outfit looking at Facebook pictures all night long with you, right? I mean, that's the story we'll tell the cops if they ask.
- The what? - Don't worry about it.
- [Sighs] - You're alive.
I-I-I-I know I sounded surprised, but I knew he was alive because I am a very good parent.
- How did you get here? - I did what you did.
I ran.
And they didn't catch you? Nope.
Turns out it's true what they say.
You don't have to outrun the cops.
You only have to outrun your uncle.
[Laughs] That's my boy! I have never been more proud of you, son.
- Hold up, you guys.
- What? What is all this talk of cops? And where's my brother? - [Door opens] - Dre: I don't know.
Oh, my Oh, my God! Johan, are you okay? I may never be okay again.
After your husband took off, things went about as badly as they could go.
- Snitch.
- Dre, did you leave my brother? Oh, so it's my fault that his white instincts to investigate is stronger than his black instincts to run.
I ran.
Shouldn't have gone back for the fliers, but I learned some very important lessons.
Like pre-paid legal is not a real thing.
And also, you should not attempt a citizen's arrest on a police officer.
I've also learned that we are very, very far away from things being completely different.
I think what Uncle Johan is trying to say is it's still a crime to be black - Rainbow: Oh.
- If you're Kevin Hart or Shaq.
So mind your P's and your Q's unless you want to be abused.
- They call me - Shut up.
Shut up.
- Is that how I sound? - Worse.
You're a grown man.
Now, come on.
Let's go see what they did to Janine.
I think you were wonderful, Junior.
- Thanks, Mom.
- You sound like your uncle.
- Let's go.
- Don't encourage it.
You know what truly makes America great? All of our different communities.
Each one committed to helping all of its members.
But then we're all still willing to change so we never miss a moment.
- Wait a minute.
- Hmm? So, the black driver's now friends with the old white lady? That's some bull[bleep] - I told you.
- Fine, all right.
Go ahead.
Fast-forward to the end of the movie "The Help.
" Okay, I'm telling you right now if the poo pie works out, I'm gonna lose my mind.
And that's what truly makes America great.