Black Jesus (2014) s02e07 Episode Script

1 (knocking on door) (toilet flushes) Oh, excuse me, um, are you the landlord here? - VIC: Uh, yes.
Victor Hargrove at your service.
- (humming) - What can I do for you? - I'm looking for a man.
Well, you ain't got to look no further.
(laughing): Aren't you cute.
- (humming happily) - Well, no, actually, um, this may sound strange, but I'm looking for a homeless man.
He's about 60, so tall, um, he's usually intoxicated, - and his name is - Lloyd.
- (gasps) - Yes, Lloyd.
Ah, I'm so relieved.
Is he here? - VIC: How you know Lloyd? - (gasps) WOMAN: He's my husband.
I mean I mean, my ex-husband.
No, actually it's just a little complicated.
You and Lloyd? Lloyd and you? I'm so relieved that he's Is he here? Uh, you know what? Come on in and have a seat.
Oh, okay, thank you.
Lloyd! Lloyd! Lloyd! Vic.
Listen to me carefully.
I want you to go in there, tell that woman that I'm dead.
VIC: Lloyd, is that really your wife? Ex-wife.
Lloyd, the woman is beautiful, man.
Would you help me out? Tell her I got killed in a carjacking.
Tell her that Suge Knight rolled over my face.
Anything.
WOMAN: Lloyd, are you in there? Lloyd, please, just give me five minutes.
Lloyd is not here! Lloyd, I can hear you.
Come on, man, you're being ridiculous.
Come out here and talk to this woman, Lloyd.
Oh, God, my God, Lloyd! (Lloyd grunting) (grunts) All right, all right.
Stop slobbering on me, woman.
Oh! (giggles) Lloyd, you look amazing.
How did you find me, anyway? Well, I was asking around, and this guy with a bad wig and robes on told me that you lived here now.
Oh, damn you, Jesus.
All the shit that I ask for, and this is what you give me.
VIC: Guess I'll, uh, leave and let you guys work things out.
No, no, no, no, no, Vic is my boss, my bestie.
Anything you want to say to me, you can say to Vic.
Okay.
I want you back, Lloyd.
I've been waiting for you to get your life together, and you have.
And I am so proud of you.
No.
Now, if you will excuse me VIC: Hey, wait a minute, Lloyd.
Uh, maybe you should listen to hear what the woman got to say.
Before you leave.
Vic, stay out of this.
I need some air.
Whew! And some Darby.
You need a bath, nigga.
(door slams) (scoffs) Maybe I shouldn't have come.
I still can't believe it.
You and Lloyd? Come on, Lloyd? Well, I'm staying downtown.
Can I give you my phone number, in case he changes his mind? You know what, I'll do you one better than that.
Why don't you stay for a minute? 'Cause, you never know, he might come right back.
(chuckles) TRAYVON: Okay, cheat out to me, I can't really see your face.
There you go.
(rap music plays) You know what, playback's actually messing me up.
Let me turn that off.
There you go.
Man, what you doing, man? That's banging, baby.
I can't stop banging to that, baby, you know what I'm saying? I know, that-that's why you don't stop banging, and that's why I had to cut it off, all right? Less grooving, more stirring.
Let's-let's get this, okay? You don't even know how to rock shit.
You're from the suburbs, fool.
I Googled it I know exactly what I'm doing.
Hey, man, let me tell you something, man.
- Don't disrespect me, man.
- Don't put your I'm not disrespecting.
- Get your finger out of my face.
- Don't disrespect me.
- You're my friend, man.
- Move your finger outta my face! Don't disrespect me, man.
- JESUS: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- I'm doing anything to disrespect you! JESUS: Cut that out, cut that out, man.
What's wrong with y'all? Hey, what's up, Jee? Look, check it out.
We here, we shooting a video this week, man.
You know, for my joint, "Side Bitches.
" Man, we on location out here today.
Uh, we gonna be at my mom house Friday.
She gonna be gone all day, so we gonna be all up on some Scarface-type shit up in there.
You know what I'm saying? It's gonna crack, right? - (chuckling) - JESUS: Boonie.
All that "bitchity-bitch-bitch" and "ho, ho, ho" that.
You can't keep objectifying "womenses" and lady-girls like that, man.
Everybody can't be Too Short and Uncle Luke, man.
Hey, man, what we trying to do is make some legit money.
Which was your idea, by the way.
And you ain't helping.
TRAYVON: Look, if I may interject, Jesus.
Tell him the plan we have, tell him the plan.
Hey, check it out, Jee.
We want you to be in the video, right? Know what I'm sayin'? See, I'm-a get in this shootout, and I'm-a be bustin' up in them (bleep), and we want you to put your holy hand in that ass.
(laughs) Think-think like-like like Jesus meets Angel of Death, you know? BOONIE: Yeah, man.
That's some dumb-ass shit, man.
But check this out, y'all go ahead and handle your business.
'Cause you know what I'm saying, I'm-a go do my thing.
I got other stuff to do, like God's work.
You know, we out here helping the less (bleep) fortunate.
Trayvon.
BOONIE: Hey, man, your face too big for that hairdo anyway.
Hey, man, I knew he wasn't gonna do this shit, man.
TRAYVON: So what do we do? - Act like he better than us, man.
- Hey, man, listen.
We got bitches, right? "Ladies.
" No, we don't have any.
How we gonna do a video called "Side Bitches" if we ain't got no side bitches? No, I do not want to be a skank in your video.
Thanks for calling.
BOONIE: Oh, no, Maggs, it ain't like that.
We got some other stuff besides "degregation.
" - Is that the word? - Mm-hmm.
I'm not dressing like a ho.
Hey, mute it, mute it, mute it.
- What? - Listen, man.
Fully clothed bitches is better than no bitches and no boot The shit called "Side Bitches.
" You're right.
All right, Maggs, you ain't got to dress all skanky, but, look, can you find some bitches who will dress like hoes? So Jesus is doing this with you? Yeah, Jesus gonna be there.
So you're telling me that if I bring my girlfriends, that they're gonna get to meet Jesus? Yeah, of course.
He's not gonna be there.
He is gonna be there.
Man, I don't believe you.
Put Tray on the phone.
Tell the bitch that goddamn Jesus gonna be there, man.
I told you I don't lie; that's not what I do.
- Tray, we need Tray! - (muffled talking) Okay, I, um Hey, hey, Maggs, it's Tray.
Yeah, J-Jesus, he'll be here.
Um, and he really wants you and your friends to come.
All right, he'd better be there.
They'd better have Jesus Christ there, you know what I'm saying? Because otherwise it's gonna make me look stupid.
I don't want to look stupid.
Not in front of my girls.
Selfie.
So do you work out every day? Well, you know, I try to get my Shaun T on - at least twice a week - Oh.
Lloyd, we have to talk.
Vic.
Can I have a word with you, please? What is she doing here again today? She came back, man.
She loves you.
Y'all need to talk, man.
Marriage is sacred.
I want my old life back.
You, me and Darby.
We brought her here, and we got to get her out.
By "we," I mean you.
Okay.
- That's what you really want? - Yes.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Good man, Vic.
You take care of yourself.
I'm gonna go across town, running errands.
And I'll be gone about four or five hours.
VIC: Hey, why don't you take them cans with you, nigga.
Yeah, all right.
LLOYD: Ooh, damn (scoffs) I don't know why he doesn't love me anymore.
Maybe it's because I've gotten so old and ugly.
Oh, no, no, baby, you got it all wrong.
You ain't old and ugly.
You got to realize that man drink a lot of alcohol.
- (chuckles) - He can't see what I can see.
- Mm.
- Mmm Mmm.
TRAYVON: Maggs, thank you so much for coming.
- Yo, yo, where's Jesus? - Um, he-he'll be here soon, but we got to get rolling, 'cause we got a hard out by the time Boonie's mom gets in.
Hey, Boonie, my friends can only stay for a couple hours, so they have to meet Jesus.
Hey, Jee coming, you know? And thanks for bringing the broads through.
Hey, any of them down for some casting couch action after this? They're here because they came to meet Jesus.
That's why we're doing the video.
Hey, Jee coming! Damn! Yeah, uh, he five minutes and but we got to get rolling, you know? BOONIE: All right, so look, in this, you gonna be my side bitch, looking out for my main bitch, also looking out for the people you know I deal drugs to.
Which gonna be played by my boy right here.
(chuckling): You know what I'm saying? So look, Maggs, you gonna be on deck.
And you gonna have assault bitches watching your back.
These bitches right here.
You mean these "actresses" here? Yeah, the gun bitches.
See, you gonna be my main side bitch, it's just they gonna have your back, looking out for you.
Y'all gonna be dancing, looking all sexy and shit.
(chuckles) I think I get it.
So I'm protecting you, these girls are my assistants, I'm in charge of security for a drug dealer, and somehow I dance while doing this.
Th-Th-There's a bit more to it than that, but, yeah, pretty much.
Somehow I doubt it.
Where's Jesus? Hey, baby.
You still here.
So you kicking me out now? Oh, no, no, not "kicking out.
" I mean I just thought it would be kind of awkward if Lloyd was to come back, you know? We made a big mistake.
Aw, Vic.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It wasn't that big of a deal.
You're married; it was adultery.
We could burn in Hell for this.
Oh, Vic, relax.
Lloyd's not really my husband anymore.
Hey, listen, Mama, listen, hey I actually just came back to pick these papers up.
These papers, they're around here some They're around here somewhere, these papers.
Oh, man here they go, right here.
- Mm.
- They're right here.
Yeah, see, got to pay the bills.
(chuckles) I love a man who pays his bills, Vic! JESUS: Vic, what's up, playboy? Hey, what the hell you doing here? Man, I just got back from spreading the Good Word, man.
I was thinking to myself I need to go by here and holla at the homie, Vic, man, give him a little support and reassurance in his time of temptation.
Temptation? Who the hell told you that, huh? You been spying on me again, nigga? Vic, man, ain't nobody in your business, man.
But everybody in the building has seen Lloyd's wife coming and going.
Man, she is some serious cougar action right there with major cake, brah.
But look here, man, you know my father don't get down like that.
You can't be coveting that woman, man.
You need to mind your business.
And stop pretending you even know who your father is.
That's disrespectful, Vic.
But you're still one of my most "favoritest" folks.
Okay, and playback! (music track begins) Boonie Clear! B-B-Boonie, side bitches, side bitches I'm in the house, y'all My debut album Car slut, twerk, twerk, twerk! What? No.
Cut! Cut! Cut! What's going on here? Y'all filming a movie? What are you doing? I came by to drop off your mama's frying pans! Take them in the house for me, Tray.
Oh, no, we're actually shooting a video, so SHALINKA: Take them in the house, please! God! So you actually filming a video? What Maggie and all these other bitches doing in it? BOONIE: Hey, it's for my joint, "Side Bitches.
" We getting it in.
Hi, Shalinka.
Don't speak to me, Maggie.
I don't like you.
Please don't speak to me.
Just being nice.
If you want to be nice, flip your ass off the balcony.
BOONIE: Let me tell you something.
First off all, Maggie, that's the fake side bitch.
And these are the real side bitches right here and, uh, - all this is just entertainment! - That's true How come you ain't ask me to be in it, then? I didn't know you wanted to be in the video, 'cause we needed some bad bitches.
I would, actually.
I want to shoot guns and be a bad bitch, too.
I ain't doing nothin'.
And I just got my weave done.
I spent all this money on this bomb weave, I want to show it off to the world.
I don't want to be no side bitch, though.
That's my baby daddy.
I'm gonna be the main bitch! (laughter and chatter inside, TV plays indistinctly) (huffs) Damn.
Lloyd, what's up? I'm waiting to come home, Vic.
When's she gonna be gone? Um I can't do that for you, man.
Why? Vic, you promised me this! Truth is, Bernadette is special to me.
But she's flirty.
I've always had this lingering suspicion that she was cheating on me.
I was jealous all the time! I was obsessed.
Then I got depressed and started drinking again.
Had to let her go.
You understand, don't you, Vic? Yeah, yeah.
I'll go away.
Give you all the time you need.
Okay? Just call me when you kick that bitch out.
REV.
CLEVELAND: Well, go ahead, son.
I ain't got all day.
(clears his throat) Well uh, I broke a commandment.
Uh, I slept with somebody's wife.
And it wasn't just anybody's wife.
It was one of my good friends.
You know, um, I didn't want to do it, but, you know, his wife is beautiful.
She was jumping all over me.
She was throwing it at me.
And she ran off on him.
But she would never do that to me, 'cause, see, 'cause we are in love.
(laughs) Jesus Christ, son.
Don't scare me like that.
I thought you killed somebody.
I was about to throw your ass out of here and call the cops.
So you got some (bleep) so what? That's what I've been wanting to ask you about, you know, like, I've been hearing stuff, rumors.
What, that I (bleep) a lot of bitches? All kind of bitches.
Put that on my résumé.
Isn't that sin? Yeah.
That's why I pay for my (bleep).
Pay? Like, you mean tricking? No! Well (stammers) What I meant was I pay God for my (bleep).
It's just like I tell the congregation.
God knows we gonna sin.
All he wants is for you to pay for your sins.
So I pay $250 for some head.
$500 for vaginal sex.
And I throw in an extra $250 if I run it up the (bleep).
(chuckles) Wow.
Um (clears his throat) Who do you pay? The church.
Me, nigga.
And that's exactly who you gonna pay.
So, pay up.
- Okay.
- If you can't pay to play, you ain't got no business up in there.
You got a point, Reverend.
Always I gotta pay to play.
God bless you, son.
Go forth and sin some more.
(laughing) Where's Jesus? Uh, ten minutes, he'll be right here.
Hey, Link, real quick, okay.
So here's the thing now, Jason, Boonie, you guys are gonna come from inside to outside, okay? You're gonna be walking home with the groceries, all right? You're gonna see a side up top with a shotgun, but here's the thing you're packing heat, too.
No problems, okay? The ground bitches, I mean, the ground sides, they're gonna be controlling the ground area.
So you're gonna drop your groceries, you're gonna fire back bam, bam! I'll add the gunshots in post.
Everything will be perfect.
All right, you even know how to work that thing? Yeah, yeah, um, hey guys? We're rolling, okay? So, Le-let's everyone get to their first position.
All right, here we go.
And action! (laughs) That's perfect.
All these bitches? Come on! There we go.
Jason, Boonie, come outside, there you go.
Hey, Boonie, Jason, these are gunshots! You have to dodge, you have to dodge! Dodging! There we go.
There you go, Maggs.
And cut! We got it! Moving on.
Good job.
- Tray! - Yeah? - Come here.
- Mm-hmm.
- I want to do it again.
- Oh, we I think I can do that part better.
Oh, it was actually good right here.
No it wasn't; I only killed two of them bitches.
I can get all of them, especially the bitch up there.
BOONIE: Hey, this video ain't about you.
You got this shit looking like a single mom's documentary.
Listen, it's okay we'll do we got time for one more, okay? - Is that cool? - Okay.
That's cool.
- All right, you guys - And I need to be the one to say cut.
Oh, you want to direct as well? Yeah, 'cause you okay, but you not that good.
- Okay.
- I done seen a lot of ways he's really (bleep) the video up.
TRAYVON: I mean, I mean, we-we're, it's a work in progress.
Hey, baby! Look, babe, we gonna have to come clean.
Tell the truth.
Now, I mean, uh, that's only the way we gonna ever have any chance to have something meaningful.
You really mean it, boo? Hey, look, Bernadette, I I ain't no Tiger Woods or anything.
I'm a Christian.
And I'm just saying, in order for us to do this and not feel ashamed of ourself, we gotta be honest.
Okay.
- Right? - Yeah, yeah.
- You cool with that? - I'm cool with that.
Good, 'cause Lloyd is right outside the door.
I'm getting ready to go out to get him right now, tell him exactly what's going on.
No, no, no, no, no! No, no.
Don't do that.
Not now.
Uh, tonight.
We'll tell him together.
(chuckles) - Well, yeah, tell him together.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hurry up, Tray.
Jesus is not coming, is he, Boonie? I tried to get Jesus to come.
He didn't like the creative direction this video was taking.
You know, this is the last time I bring some hoes over for your ass.
Guys, listen, okay? Instead of arguing and fighting, why don't we just, like, pray really hard and maybe he'll show up.
- Hey, might as well, man.
- Well, yeah.
Fine.
Dear Jesus, I'm here at this stupid (bleep) video shoot for one of your asshole disciples, who promised that you'd be here.
I rebuke you, bitch.
There are some bitches here who would really like to meet you, Jesus, so please come soon.
Amen.
MEN: Amen.
- What's happening, pimps? - MAGGIE: Jesus! - TRAYVON: It worked! He's here! - BOONIE: He's always on time.
Bernadette! Vic, you're just in time.
Bernadette! - She couldn't wait to get out of here - What did you do? Bernadette, what about the conversation with Lloyd? Uh, we're gonna have that conversation, but I just have to leave and, uh, take care of some business right now.
Uh, I'm coming back, baby, I'm coming back! - I'm coming back! - I didn't get your number, though.
I didn't get your number! Bernadette! LLOYD: Vic! Let the bitch go! So what I'm gonna need y'all to do is start respecting yourself and believing in yourself, because I believe in you.
- You understand? - All right, man, hey.
Uh, give the bitches three minutes, then let them know it's time to get back to work, man.
- Okay, perfect.
- Know what I'm saying? Hey! Hey! Hey, where the hell you going? Girl, don't act like I ain't got your nudes in my phone! Hey, what happened? Don't blame me.
Jesus gave them self-respect.
Are you serious?! Hey, Jesus, I hate when you give the bitches self-respect, man! You need you some, too.
Look at you, man.
You running around here acting like you're Yo Gotti or somebody, man.
This is not you.
Knock it off.
How about trying to do something like making some money off love and kindness and respect for women for a change, dawg.
Hey, man, let's shoot the video the way we was gonna shoot it before the bitches even showed up.
Boonie! You know, I support you, brah.
I'll be in your little heathenous, blasphemous-ass video.
That's what I'm talking about! You gonna be down with the Boon-Boon! Be down with your Boon-Boon, baby! (laughter) We did it, buddy.
You're a true friend.
I won't forget this.
No, Lloyd, I'm not a true friend.
I'm actually an asshole sometimes.
But I'm glad she left.
You know she didn't cook shit the whole time she was here, man.
Let me cook tonight, Macaroni and cheese.
Ready in two minutes! (whoops) All right, so what you're gonna do is you're gonna look right here that's where, that's where Boonie is; Boonie is right here.
No, but Boonie's right there.
No, no, but for the camera trick, Boonie's right there.
Okay? And action.
Dear God, hear a thug's prayer tonight for my sins that follow me home to the crib.
Forgive me for what I'm about to do to these bitch-ass niggas.
Amen.
Side bitches, side bitches, side bitches I'm fittin' to put it down; y'all ready for me? Boonie Side bitches, my side bitch She's so fine, down for whatever My main chick, she's square built She knit them sweaters, my side chick Wearing high heels, her body bop! My main chick sporting gloves with a mop My side bitch is a freak, she call me Daddy My real chick elbow missing 'cause her skin is saggy My side bitch is a dime, she's my arm candy My main chick got a job, so she come in handy Side bitches, side bitches S-S-S-Side bitches, b-b-bitches, side bitches Side bitches, side bitches If you know you're side bitch, throw your hands in the air I love my side bitch, baby (echoing): Side bitches