Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - I Experience Shame and Anticipate Punishment

1 - Previously on Blunt Talk - Oh, no.
Well, Gardner said they're either looking to cancel the show or suspend you.
Take these.
It's a kind of speed.
I gave you three Ambien and not three Provigil.
Doctor thought you might need this to wake up.
And so I ask you, the American people, to wield the most powerful weapon there is.
The truth.
Oh, my God! Major? Major? Don't leave me.
Blunt Talk - S01E02 Experience Shame and Anticipate Punishment Major, don't leave me.
Major, don't leave me.
Major.
Harry.
Oh, thank God.
Are you all right? That was magnificent.
There was showgirls and feathers.
And I saw my mother's face in a looking glass.
It was all so beautiful.
Oh, it's all right, everyone.
I'm fine.
Oh, fuck, we're still on the air.
My dear viewers, I think I may just have had a near-death experience.
If so, then I'm happy to report that in heaven there's a lot of dancing and joy.
However, I think, and I'm sure you would all agree with me, it would be prudent to take a commercial break.
I remain and always will be Walter Blunt, right here, right now.
You've had quite the day, Major.
I'm proud of you for not dying.
Thank you, Harry.
The gods, you know, have given me a second chance.
I mean to make the most of it.
Now it's time to rest.
What did Shakespeare say? Sleep that knits a scarf around your neck like a noose.
No, Harry.
"Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care," The death of each day's life, "sore labor's bath, Balm of hurt minds.
" No, you're right, Major.
There's no mention of a scarf.
But you get my meaning.
Time to rest.
So have a sip of mother's milk and it'll be night-night for the major and night-night for good old Harry.
But I am serious about this second chance business.
I saw myself tonight as a child.
And I realized never having met my own father, I need to be a better father to the American people.
And, of course, to my own children.
Worthwhile goal, sir, but No, I need to revitalize Blunt Talk.
I have to take care of my viewers.
And I have to take care of you, Major.
You had a terrible shock.
Now, please, take your medicine.
All right, Harry.
You know best.
That's much better.
So let's put our cares away, have a peaceful, restorative weekend.
Mmm.
Now, what would you like me to read to you tonight? We have Rabelais, Winnie-the-Pooh, and the Koran.
No, no.
No reading tonight, Harry.
I'm too tired.
Just pass me my eye mask, please.
- Thank you.
- Very good, Major.
Good night, Harry.
Good night, Major.
How's it looking, Major? I'm losing sensation in my right calf muscle and would like to sit down.
Not yet, Harry.
Just hold still.
The sun is very specific at the moment.
The way that it's glinting off of your bald spot, it's just like something out of the Renaissance.
- I have to capture it.
- Righto.
For God's sake! Oh, sorry about that.
Can I sit down now, Major? I'm losing sensation in both calf muscles.
Oh, sit down, Harry.
And quit your whinging.
You must be the new neighbor.
The renter.
Thanks.
I'm Ronnie.
You have destroyed my painting with your carelessness.
- Sorry.
- It's 8:00 in the morning.
Don't you think it's a bit early for volleyball? No, it's not too early.
We've been up all night on MDMA.
You know, Jolly Molly.
All right.
There you go.
That's quite the nudist party you're having.
You seem to be having a party yourself.
Who's the talent sitting on the marble? What do you mean, talent? I saw what that boy has between his legs.
- And what of it? - I produce high-end erotic films.
I'm always on the lookout for an everyman with a cock like that.
It's my holy grail.
Who is he, your boyfriend? - No, he's my man.
- Your man? My man! My valet.
What do you think I mean? I don't know.
But if Red ever wants to make some extra money, here's my card.
Yes? Rosalie.
You sure? Yes, all right.
Bye.
Harry, get dressed.
We've got to go to the studio.
Hey, it was nice meeting you, neighbor.
And by the way, I saw how you stood up to those cops on YouTube.
You are a white Rodney King.
A hero.
I do not consider my conduct that evening to be heroic.
And going forward, keep your volleyballs your side of the hedge! Dumbass doesn't even know what gold he's got.
Hey, I'm serving.
It's a massive hurricane, Walter.
They baptized her Gina.
It's gonna be a huge story.
And I want you there.
It makes landfall in Galveston tonight.
Bob, I'm a newsman.
I'm not a weatherman.
Okay, yes, you are a newsman.
But you are also the news and I want to keep your momentum going.
You were terrific last night.
Almost dying, best thing you've ever done.
Oh, thank you.
How are you, by the way? Oh, I'm fine, but Good, putting you in a storm is going to show the world that you are fit and sane.
Well, of course I'm fit and sane.
Which is the rea Which is the reason why I should not be wasting my time standing in the rain telling people I'm standing in the rain.
My viewers are expecting something more from me.
- Like what? - Answers.
Insight.
Revelation.
Hey, on the street they're calling me a hero.
A white Rodney King.
I'm supposed to like the sound of that? Oh, well, actually, it was only one deranged individual.
I do not care.
You are going to Galveston.
I agree with Bob.
You should go.
Thank you.
I gave you a second chance last night.
I can take it away.
Bob giveth, Bob taketh.
Juice? - Hello.
- Hey.
- Here's your coffee.
- Thanks.
I can't believe he's going to Galveston.
I can't believe he's still alive.
Don't tell Walter, but that was actually OxyContin in my Ambien bottle.
Oh, he's an ex-Marine.
He can handle it.
I don't know if he can handle prison, though.
The Jewish lawyers are all over it.
Oh, good.
So you have no problem with what I just said? 'Cause I'm Jewish.
You know that? - Morning.
- Where'd you get those mugs? All I found in the kitchen were these paper cups.
Oh, and Jim's sushi from yesterday, which I ate.
Sorry.
That wasn't from yesterday.
Harry, find out where Galveston is.
- Texas, Major.
- Texas? Oh, Lord.
I thought it was the title of a song.
I can't believe you sided with Gardner.
You know how I feel about the weather.
This isn't just about the weather, Walter.
This is climate change.
This is mass extinction.
It's end days.
And Anderson Cooper's gonna be there.
Really? Well, these are biblical times environmentally.
And Anderson isn't the only silver fox who can look good in a rain slicker.
Silver fox? A man's head is not the only place he grows hair, Rosalie, as you well know.
Now, first things first, I want to thank you all for supporting me during my crisis last night.
It's okay, Walter, we're absolutely But let's pretend we are in Stalin's Russia and erase it from our collective memory.
- Can we do that? - It was very upsetting, Walter.
I don't know if we can forget about you collapsing 'cause of the drugs I gave you.
- Jim.
Nyet.
- You almost died.
- Nyet! - Got it, Stalin's Russia.
Good, thank you.
Now, Martin, you're coming with me and Harry to Galveston.
Why? Am I being punished? No, it's because you are crafty and resourceful.
And that'll be good on a mission like this.
Now, the rest of you will run things from here.
But why are you going, Walter? I thought playing a weatherman was beneath you.
I'm going, Celia, because last night I promised our viewers I would tell them the truth.
Now, this freakish storm is the perfect backdrop for talking about what we are doing to the environment.
But the truth about climate change is devastating, Walter.
No one wants to hear we're committing mass suicide.
Exactly, so let's also give them hope.
I might have died last night.
From now on, I want to be in the hope business.
Yeah, but I'm not sure that hope and truth go together very well.
Just start Googling and see if there is any hope out there that might also be true.
Come on, Martin.
We've got to find rain slickers.
Yes, Major.
Do I have time to go to the men's room before boarding? Uh, yes, that should be fine.
Thank you.
Harry, I'm going to the loo.
- Yes, Major.
- Martin, stay where you are.
Move along.
Move along.
- All clear, Major.
- Thank you, Harry.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, pal.
Loo's off-limits.
Oh! Fuck.
Ladies and gentlemen, now boarding all groups.
All groups can now board.
For God's sake! Oh, thank you.
Have a good flight.
Shit.
Damn it! Oh, God! Oh, ah! Shit.
Shit! Oh, fuck! Come the fuck on! Oh.
Oh.
Ah.
No! Major? Come on, Walter.
Pick up.
Pick up, Walter.
Pick up.
Oh! Damn.
Yes, Martin? What? You're on the plane? - Shit! Harry! - Shit.
We're here! We're here! Oh, thank God.
I am so sorry.
There's no boarding.
The plane is closed.
That's not possible.
You said I could go.
I know, but we boarded very quickly.
It's the last flight to Galveston.
We need to get it out.
You must open the gate and let us on board the plane.
- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.
You see, I have to be in Galveston tonight.
I have a very important broadcast.
Ooh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Blunt.
It's a federal law.
But I don't care about asinine federal laws! I must be on that plane.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
- My dear - I'm sorry.
Thank you.
- My dear - I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I need air.
I can't breathe.
This is a disaster.
We have to be adults.
I'm calling Gardner and telling him you missed the flight.
No, it's too humiliating.
It's too unprofessional.
He'll cancel us.
I'm only one day into my comeback.
Oh, It's all right, Walter.
Everyone misses flights once in a while.
I once brought a gun on a plane.
No, Celia, this is different.
I keep undermining myself.
Something is wrong.
I never used to be this reckless.
You've always been reckless.
But you were better at it.
Oh, Harry, this is a crisis, not a social gathering.
Tea is essential during a crisis, sir.
You know that.
Look, I know this is nuts, but never mind.
No, no, no.
Jim, what is it? I'm desperate.
I will take anything.
Come on, spit it out.
Well, we could make it look like you're in Galveston.
- Okay, what do you mean? - Fake it in front of a green screen.
Like when Cokie Roberts pretended to report from Capitol Hill.
Oh, yes, I remember that.
Oh, and I remember Oh, Cokie.
All legs, no common sense.
Yeah, that's Cokie.
So, my idea is that we'll have Martin send us the footage and then we'll just put you in it.
But we will need someone who has a studio.
And someone who can keep their mouth shut.
Someone discreet and dishonest.
There's lots of people like that in LA.
But how many have got their own green screen? Harry, is that you? Why is there a red slash across your very large, beautiful, otherworldly penis? I'm the muse.
Ask the artist.
That is not an intentional red slash, Celia.
My work is figurative.
That was caused by someone discreet and dishonest.
Hey, come on in.
I appreciate you paying in cash, Walter.
These are dark days for us.
The mandatory condom laws have made it impossible to shoot in LA.
Pun intended.
That's all well and good, but So, I'm trying to stay local.
I refuse to outsource to Vegas.
I am loyal to my people, but the health department is after my ass.
I'm sorry for your struggles, but our interest is in your green screen.
- We have to get to work.
- Of course.
But there's something else I need from you.
Drink? No.
What else do you need? One of my actors got the drip and there is a scene that we have to shoot today, so I need Red.
- No, absolutely not.
- Red, what do you think? - Can you speak for yourself? - You want me to do what? I want you to make love to a beautiful woman in front of a camera.
- Not possible.
- But why? I'm unable to enjoy sex.
At the moment of congress, I experience shame and anticipate punishment.
Harry, you never told me this.
Well, I've never been asked to be the star of an erotic film before.
Supporting, actually.
But a great role.
Meaty.
Lots of pathos.
Doesn't matter.
The answer, I'm afraid, is still no.
Well, then the deal's off.
I need the money, but getting someone like you on film is more important to me.
You can't be serious.
I am.
I believe in what I do.
I bring people joy! What do you do?! Harry, how bad can it be? My career is at stake.
Remember the Falklands.
Do it for the lads.
Whom might I be making love to? Sylvia, come in here.
Yeah, Ronnie? I'll try to overcome my issues, Major.
Forgive me for being the only sane person here, but this has got fuck-up written all over it.
You wanted me to cover this storm.
Yes, in Galveston.
Not in a porn studio with a green screen.
Do I consider this to be ideal? No.
I have been betrayed by the FAA and modern bathroom technology.
Now get on board, Rosalie.
What do you two have for me? Anything hopeful? Um, not exactly hopeful.
They're finding microplastics in the ocean's food chain.
And if we try to get off fossil fuels, the Saudis and the oil companies will start a massive war.
Yeah, in 30 years, Alaska's gonna be the new Miami Beach.
And eight-year-old boys are wearing bras.
Why, because of obesity? No, because they have breasts.
Pharmaceuticals in the water table are affecting puberty and gender patterns.
Good Lord.
Isn't there anything hopeful that I can offer the American people? Anything uplifting? Well, there's a family in LA, in Topanga, living in a harmonious, zero-waste manner.
I mean, they're hoping that by having no impact, they'll have an impact.
Yes, that's what I need.
A shift in consciousness at the grassroots level.
Celia, that is a message I can work with.
Watch out for that cable, Walter.
We have a problem.
Red is weepy and won't take his Viagra.
Says if he can't do it naturally, then he won't do it at all.
Oh, shit.
He's too prideful.
Oh, that's Martin.
He's arrived at Galveston.
He's gonna meet the local crew at the marina.
And Shelly's standing by in the control room.
Yes, right, what I want from you Did you hear what I just said? Red is upset.
You have to do something.
I am about to tape my opening salvo on Hurricane Gina.
I cannot hold Harry's hand right now.
Take down the green screen.
This shoot is off.
Are you blackmailing me again? Yes, I have to deliver this picture to the Asian market.
I need this scene.
For God's sake, be reasonable.
Take the green screen down! Rosalie, Celia, go and talk to Harry.
Try and cheer him up.
You want us to fluff Harry? Just fluff his confidence.
I don't know what else to suggest.
I could try talking to him.
You know, just two guys talking around a campfire.
Forget Harry.
Walter, I'm calling Gardner.
No! I would rather go out like this.
A fool's mission is still a mission.
And maybe this illusion will work.
I have to lie to tell the truth.
All right, Walter.
If that's what you want.
Celia and I will take care of Harry.
And, darling, lose the hat.
What's the matter, Harry? What's at the root of all this? Don't know.
My mother.
She liked things clean.
Her hands were always red and chapped.
There was also the war.
I heard you were very brave in the war.
Not really.
I've just never been much for sex.
Oh, you poor dear.
No, it's all right, actually.
I have alcohol and gambling.
My happy plate is more than full.
I just thought you should know that I am genuinely attracted to you.
- You are? - Yes.
In college I had a thing for all my professors.
So did I.
I loved them.
But I never did anything about it.
Did you really not? That's ironic, isn't it? 'Cause you're a porn actress.
And 'cause I absolutely did all of them.
I mean, pretty much.
And sometimes you'd knock and there was no one in So, you remind me of those professors and I see this as my second chance.
Ronnie said this was a good part.
As I stand in this biblical deluge, the city in a panic, all I can think is that this storm is yet another frightening reminder of our environmental crisis.
Microplastics in the ocean, disappearing coastlines, and the sissifying of young boys.
But as someone who you saw nearly die last night, let me tell you that we must not lose hope.
If we all change in some way, the ripple effect will be enormous.
What I am calling for, America, is a shift in consciousness at the grassroots level.
But it has to begin with you.
Because as these torrential rains bear down on us, our leaders are doing nothing.
Nothing! They're They're singing in the rain - Just singing - Hey, stop.
Cut, stop it.
Cut! Shut off the water.
Stop.
Cut.
What's the matter? Why did you stop? It was going beautifully.
You didn't tell me you were gonna do a dance number, Walter.
It just came to me.
I was thinking outside the box.
Anderson Cooper would never be this creative.
It won't go over well.
People are probably going to die during this hurricane.
I am doing this for those who will live.
That's That's ridiculous.
Oh, fuck! The health department is here! - What if I did the dance and no singing? - That's even worse.
Jim, I'm just disappointed in you that you don't understand this.
The dance is ironic.
It's a commentary on the failure of our leaders to do anything.
- It's meant - Oh, my God, Walter.
Martin just texted.
They've downgraded Hurricane Gina to a Category 2.
And Gardner texted "Bring Blunt home.
" They're going with regular Saturday night broadcasts.
It can't be true.
My call to arms.
The dance.
Has the weather gone so mad that these storms can no longer be relied on? You, campfire, you're young.
Run.
Bring these condoms to Red.
The health department is here.
Are you saying Harry is not wearing a condom? Yes, that is what I'm saying.
Run, Jim, run! I'm sorry you didn't get to cause a shift in consciousness, Major.
Oh, that's all right, Harry.
There will be other opportunities.
I'm only sorry you didn't get to consummate with that young lady.
It wasn't meant to be, sir.
My life's pattern held true.
I experienced shame and anticipated punishment.
Well, I will pay your fine and have your record expunged.
Thank you, sir.
Now, what would you like me to read to you tonight? We have The Once and Future King, The Interpretation of Dreams, and the Koran.
Oh, God, still pushing the Koran, Harry? Yes, Major.
I think it's important that you read it.
I know, I know.
And we will start tomorrow, I promise.
But tonight I want only pleasure.
I want The Once and Future King.
Very good, Major.
"The governess was always getting muddled" with her astrolabe.
And when she got specially muddled, she would take it out on the Wart by rapping his knuckles.
She did not rap Kay's knuckles because when Kay grew older, he would be Sir Kay, the master of the estate.
The Wart was called the Wart because it more or less rhymed with Art, which was short for his real name.
Kay had given him the nickname.
Kay was not called anything but Kay as he was too dignified to have a nickname and would have flown into a passion if anybody had tried to give him one.
The governess had red hair and some mysterious wound from which she derived a lot of prestige by showing it to all the women of the castle behind closed doors.
"