Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - A Beaver That's Lost Its Mind

1 Previously on Blunt Talk.
I'm recently divorced for the fourth time.
There are custody issues.
And how old is your ex-wife? She's 35.
That's very nice.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Here's your coffee.
- Thanks.
Where'd you get those mugs? All I found in the kitchen were these paper cups.
Oh, and Jim's sushi from yesterday, which I ate.
That wasn't from yesterday.
CELIA: Are you married? Did you give that young man a ride home again? ROSALIE: I did.
I told him we have an open marriage.
Hmm, I met a woman, you know, at the salad bar at Whole Foods.
You told me about her two nights ago.
I did? I need to be a better father to the American people.
And, of course, to my own children.
Blunt Talk - S01E04 A Beaver That's Lost Its Mind [groans] Oh, Harry, there you are.
- [cawing] - Mm.
Yes, Major.
It appears I went below deck for a little while.
I've been thinking, Harry, while you were gone.
Drinking makes us sadder, not happier.
Have you noticed that? Yes, Major.
I have noticed.
For how long have you noticed? Off and on for the last 10 years.
Well, it's only after the fourth drink that things turn bleak.
But now that I'm going to AA, I think we should start cutting back.
That would be prudent, sir.
[clink] [sighs] Harry.
Yes, Major? [speaks softly] I'm very scared about tomorrow.
I know your fears seem real, Major, but let me remind you who you are.
You've interviewed world dignitaries.
You've jumped out of airplanes.
You've had malaria and shingles twice.
You've been wounded in battle.
[speaks softly] And you saved my life in battle.
So I think you can face a five-year-old boy who loves you.
Mm.
Eh.
[thuds] Oof.
Thank you, Harry.
[indistinct chatter] Only in Los Angeles would you have valet parking at a preschool.
Yes, sir.
Harry, did we make the right choice? Is this jacket paternal enough? - [sighs] - Mm.
Today is day one of being a better father.
Okay, there they are.
[grunts] Shit.
[children chattering] Fucking dickhead car.
Vivian! Bertie! Oh, it's Daddy.
Walter Blunt! Hey! Ah! Oh, you know, you can call me Dad, Bertie.
You know? Walter Blunt is for the public.
Hi, Vivian.
Hi.
I'm surprised you made it.
[chuckles] Hi.
Well, of course I made it.
I got the email.
- I volunteered for story corner.
- Mm.
I have got a thrilling passage to read.
Mm.
[chuckles] Um, did I just smell alcohol on your breath? Aftershave.
Oh.
Here.
Take two.
Come on.
What's happened to all our coffee mugs? - It's weird.
- I know, it's confusing.
Guys, can I tell you something personal and strange and homoerotic that's bothering me? Please.
I love that kind of stuff.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Well, last night I dreamt that Jim, did you see the new cut of my segment on fecal impaction therapy? I did.
It was very interesting.
Um, I'm sorry.
I got to get to the edit.
Martin, we'll talk about your homoerotic story later.
Jim, don't kill the piece.
Fecal impaction therapy is good for the immune system.
Jim, Terrence from HR called.
He wants you to come to his office.
- The big guy? - Yeah.
[sighs] Shit.
Always be yourself, but if you can be a unicorn Always be a unicorn.
Just the men! Always be yourself, but if you can be a unicorn Always be a unicorn - Jumping! - He's so cute.
[speaks softly] Bertie's voice is the most beautiful.
- Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
- Well, it is.
I know, but people are trying to listen, Walter.
Shh.
Always be yourself, but if you can be a unicorn Always be a unicorn.
Are there any unicorns here? CHILDREN: Yeah! Are there any unicorns here? PARENTS: Yeah! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
[sighs] I've been a musician for my entire life and honestly, this is both a personal highlight and a career highlight.
I don't get it.
Who is this idiot? [speaks softly] It's Moby the rock star.
- What? - Moby the rock star.
- Moby? - Moby.
Like Moby-Dick? Walter, Westlake is very lucky to have him.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[laughs] Do you think he named himself? Shh.
MOBY: And if you'll have me back, I'd love to come back next year and continue my tenure as musician in residence here at Westlake Preschool.
[applause] One more time! Always be yourself, but if you can be a unicorn Always be a unicorn.
Run in circles! Martin? No, it's me.
Not Martin.
Teddy, what are you doing here? Can't I bring my lovely wife flowers? - Oh.
- [chuckles] I lost my keys again.
Oh, no, how is this possible? I don't know.
I was at the hardware store getting ant spray, tried to remember this poem by Mark Strand.
"I open the family album and look at myself as a boy.
What good does it do?" You can remember poetry, but you lose your keys.
I guess so.
When I went out to the parking lot, the keys were gone, so I took an Uber here.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
Mm.
- Mm.
- [chuckles] You know, we haven't made love in your office in a long time.
"'The best thing for being sad, ' replied Merlin," 'is to learn something.
That is the only thing that never fails.
You may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds.
There is only one thing for it then, to learn.
'" [clapping] Thank you.
Thank you.
I don't want a explanation, Mr.
Stone.
You have to let us in your office.
Now, I've been emailing you.
And I meant to write you back.
The cleaning staff says it's been seven months.
It's against fire code to put your own lock on the door.
I don't like strangers in my office touching things.
Especially after they've been cleaning the bathroom.
- Mr.
Stone - People don't wash their hands.
That's how diarrhea gets spread.
Diarrhea? Like if I put my hand on your desk and then I put a finger in my mouth without thinking, which happens all the time What are you doing? Stop that.
I'm just trying to demonstrate that if there's diarrhea on your desk, I just put it in my mouth.
There is no diarrhea on my desk.
- In a perfect world.
- This has gone on long enough.
I'll have maintenance let me in your office.
Hold it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, um [breathes heavily] Tell me about diarrhea on my desk.
- [snaps fingers] - What are you doing here? - How did you get past security? - Have you seen my smile? Well, you shouldn't have come here without asking me first.
- That's stalking.
- How am I supposed to ask you? I've sent you dozens of texts.
You haven't responded to any of them.
Well, you're a married man.
Doesn't mean I don't have feelings.
Listen, it was very nice with you.
Wonderful, actually.
But it was a one-time thing.
I don't want to hurt another woman.
No, no, no.
I told you we're separated.
Y-yeah, we still live in the same house, but you can be together and be separated.
How would you do that, magic? [whispers] Yes.
Let me tell you what I love about you.
I love that you say that you like American chocolate.
Although we both know it's not as good as the British chocolate.
I love that you could have waved the flag on not dating me, but you didn't.
You took a shot.
And that before the date you actually took a shot.
I love that you get that little crinkle above your nose 'cause I'm expressing myself through lame magic tricks.
I love that you're the first person I want to pick a card in the morning and the last person I want to pick a card at night.
And you're probably sick of all the card tricks.
[imitates cough] I came here today because I realized that you and I, we have a joint connection.
And when you have a joint connection, you kind of want that joint to start as soon as possible.
[gasps] - Are those real? - Of course they are.
- They're vintage.
- I told you I love pearls.
How much did those cost? Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets.
But I do want to impress you.
$2,000.
[gasps, mouthes] Wow.
[mouthes] Wow.
[chatter] [door opens] WALTER: Hello.
You're my son's music teacher.
I'm Walter Blunt.
I just washed my hands.
I shouldn't shake.
I don't mind a wet hand.
You know, it's funny, given the terms of my parole, I probably shouldn't even be using that bathroom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was a joke.
Your son is very talented, Walter.
It's nice to meet you.
[speaking softly] Hi, how are ya? All right, see you, okay.
[normal voice] Hey.
That was very intimate.
Are you dating Moby-Dick? It's just Moby.
No Dick.
- And, yes, I am.
- And when did this happen? Walter, we're divorced.
It's none of your business.
Yes, it is my business.
I don't want my son exposed to a debauched rock star who's doing drugs.
He's a vegan and he's sober.
Unlike you.
Bertie's parents? You can come in now.
[sighs] [slurping] I need to show you something that could be a problem.
Morning Joe did the exact same story I produced for the health segment tonight.
Read it.
- That is odd.
- Yeah.
MSNBC did your fecal impaction story.
Probably just zeitgeist.
Fecal impaction therapy is very zeitgeist, I admit, but the way they linked dead modern foods and dead colons, it's too weird and similar.
Someone must have leaked my story after we left last night.
I'm telling Rosalie.
It's zeitgeist.
You're being paranoid.
Not now, Shelly.
We're busy.
- But Morning Joe - It can wait.
[laughs] Are you Martin? Oh, I've heard a lot about you.
Rosalie.
VIVIAN: I can't trust you to be alone with him.
You can't even take care of yourself.
- That's not true.
- It is true.
I know your pattern, Walter.
The anniversary of the Falklands is coming up.
- Hey! - And that no! That is when you and Harry really go nuts.
- Who's Harry? - We remember the fallen.
We're here to talk about Bertie's academics, so You had alcohol on your breath this morning.
Listen, I worked with my team till 2:00 AM last night so I could be at this parents' day.
When I got home, I had a couple of scotches just to help me sleep.
- A couple? - You should also know that we were working on a health special inspired by my concern for Bertie.
As you will see tonight.
Well, we've stopped watching.
I think it confuses him.
[sighs] You don't even let him watch me on TV? Have you guys thought of FaceTiming? That seems to work for a lot of our families in your situation.
I like that.
I think you need to work on your listening skills.
I don't know how to FaceTime.
I'm on AOL.
Ah! Fuck! Where are you, Major? - Oh, there you are.
- [grunts] I'm gonna stay in the Challenger and sleep off the rest of this hangover, sir.
Harry, I hate this car like an infection.
I'll say it again, sir.
You could sit in the front seat.
And you could sit on my face.
[knocks] Jim, we know you're in there and we need your advice on something.
Can't right now.
Having an issue.
Sorry to let you down, buddy.
Just give me 20 minutes.
Maybe 25.
I still want to hear your homoerotic story.
- What? - Just Let's go to Celia's.
Ooh, I saw her go in there a while ago.
She's always napping.
Well, she has an iron deficiency.
- Right.
- [knocks] CELIA: I'm indisposed.
I'll be out in 10 minutes.
We have a problem with my beautiful segment.
I'll be out in 10 minutes! What's going on? MSNBC ran a piece this morning that's eerily similar to the segment I produced.
- Eerily? - I think we've been hacked or we have a leak.
Or Shelly's paranoid and it's just zeitgeist.
Stop saying zeitgeist.
Just either way, we need to come up with a new health segment.
I'd like to suggest an equally beautiful segment - that I cut together a few weeks ago.
- Stop saying beautiful.
It's a beautiful segment that Jim killed about how emotional trauma can be stored in our DNA and then passed on.
That Harvard worm study.
Oh, yeah.
You know it.
It's good, right? WOMAN: Hi, Mr.
Blunt.
Hello, Walter.
Uh.
Vivian is dating a musician.
Now it's really over.
Walter, you've been divorced seven months.
But this has reopened the wound.
You need to put a veneer over your heart.
I've told you this before.
I will, later.
Right now I'd just like to spoon, if that's all right with you? I don't know that we have time to spoon right now.
We have an issue.
She also won't let me see Bertie.
Well, she's probably right.
I'm a terrible father.
He'd be better off with Moby.
She's dating Moby? Just be patient.
Vivian's not unreasonable.
Now listen But I'm losing my way again, Rosalie.
I can feel it.
I'm uncentered, unmoored.
You can't lose your way again.
You just lost it two weeks ago.
I need one of my men to keep it together.
What's that supposed to mean? It means stop being a baby.
[whimpering] Then spoon me.
Jesus Christ! We need to replace Shelly's fecal impaction story.
MSNBC ran the same thing this morning.
Oh, damn it.
That whole health series was meant for Bertie.
[knocking] Mr.
Blunt.
Now what the hell is going on here? Spooning.
Hi, Walter.
[knocks] Jim.
[knocks] Jim, it's Walter.
You need to open your door.
I can't right now, Walter.
I'll come out later after everyone's gone.
Is this a cry for help, Jim? - No! - Are you sure? Because I've been told that I'm not a good listener.
If you've been crying out and I haven't heard you No, I have not been crying out.
Then open the door! Jim, this is a fucking newsroom! Open the fucking door! Winston, open him up.
[keys jingling] No, no, stop.
Jim is a valued member of my staff.
This is undignified.
Celia, she can reason with him.
They're close.
Where is she? Excuse me.
[knocks] - Hello.
- Who the hell are you? - Francis.
- What is it, Walter? Um, how was parents' day? Celia, who is this man? He's a friend.
He's a magician.
'Cause I thought it might be fun to do a little piece on sleight of hand.
I don't have time for this.
You have to speak to Jim.
He has locked himself in his office.
Excuse me.
I don't understand.
Why has Jim locked himself in his office? We don't know.
He said something about diarrhea.
I couldn't follow him to be honest.
I think I know what's going on here.
He snapped and he leaked my story to Morning Joe.
He always spikes my stories, and this time he leaked one.
I don't like that kind of speculation, Shelly.
Sorry, but I think I'm right.
[knocks] Jim.
You do sleight of hand? [Walter knocks] Jim.
Do you know where my keys are? Celia is here.
Talk to her.
No, Walter, she doesn't like me 'cause I'm Jewish.
No, that's not true.
No, I like to tease you.
I love that you're Jewish.
What's going on? What's happening? I have issues.
What kind of issues? If I told you, you wouldn't like me.
Nobody would.
Of course we would.
We all have issues.
I have loneliness issues.
Intimacy issues.
Nighttime driving issues.
Anxiety issues.
Promiscuity issues.
See, those all sound like fun issues.
Your only issue, Mr.
Stone, is to open this damn door.
I don't have time for this craziness.
Yeah, he's right, Jim.
Now, we broadcast in 90 minutes and we need a new segment.
You didn't leak anything to Morning Joe, did you? What? Because if you didn't, then you have nothing to hide.
So open up.
That's an order, Jim.
No! I'm a monster.
[sighs] Open it.
You know, I think we're gonna need to get a locksmith.
- Oh, Jesus.
- [all groan] I can try to kick the door down.
I have powerful legs.
- It's true.
- No, Teddy, I'll break the door down.
And injure yourself? Mm-mm.
- [lock clicks] - Voila! SHELLY: He's a hoarder.
TERRY: Good Lord.
[Shelly gasps] Is that my Queen Elizabeth mug? And after we come back from the break, we will tell you about a fascinating Harvard study which indicates that emotional trauma can be found in our DNA and passed on.
Put Walter's mike up.
Maybe he's gonna praise my writing.
So what is going on with Jim? Jim's computer is clean.
He didn't leak that story.
It was just zeitgeist.
- Told you.
- But now I got to talk to him about this hoarding.
No, no, no.
I'll go to him.
I'll counsel him.
But what's going on? Everybody seems to be losing their mind.
- They take your lead.
- Oh, thank you.
They look to you as a father figure.
You crack, they all crack.
You get it together, they all get it together.
So it's because of me that Jim's a hoarder, Shelly's paranoid, and Celia's having sex with a magician in her office? ROSALIE: What's wrong with that? She's a senior producer.
And it was very special.
He gave me a pearl necklace.
No, no, no, no, no! An actual pearl necklace.
Walter, you I meant this.
I meant a real necklace.
Harry, there you are.
Oh, Lord.
Are you still hungover? Just about cured.
This herring is restoring my brain cells.
Well, we have to get a move on.
We must go to Jim's.
I'll tell you what, though.
You can give me a piece of that herring for courage.
God knows what we're gonna find at Jim's apartment.
Open wide, Major.
Here comes the herring.
Mm.
These are great, Walter.
Oh, thank you, Jim.
It comes of spending so much time in a tent when I was a Marine.
When my eldest son was little, I used to do them for him at bedtime.
- Your son the boxer? - Yes.
Rafe the boxer.
I don't do them so much for Bertie, but then he was born just as I launched Blunt Talk, so I know I'm supposed to FaceTime him, but I don't know how to.
Anyway, I-I'm sorry to have been going on like this.
Look, Jim, I'm here for you.
I know you see me as a father figure.
I don't, actually, Walter.
- Oh? - But I do see you as a mentor.
Like a father mentor? Sure.
I look up to you.
I I I hope to be on the air someday just like you.
I like that, Jim.
It's healthy to have goals.
But before you ascend to my throne, let's take baby steps.
Why do you you know? Live like a beaver that's lost his mind? Exactly.
[sighs] Well I think it's a way to put off death.
By never throwing anything away, then it's like I can use everything again and live forever.
But you're being buried alive.
I know.
It's not quite working.
Oh, well, that's why I am going to help you.
I'm going to pay for you to see my analyst.
That will be my first step as a father mentor figure.
Thank you.
Um As your son protégée figure [chuckles] Maybe there's something I can do for you.
[ringing] It's ringing.
- Mm-hmm.
- [computer chimes] Vivian, it's Walter! I can see that.
I'm FaceTiming.
Isn't this exciting? Can I speak to Bertie, please? Glad you figured it out.
Walter.
It's Claude Rains.
The Invisible Man.
Brrr! Hi, Walter.
Is that Moby? Hey, what's up, Moby? Hi, how are you? My son, please.
Oh, Vivian's getting him.
Walter, I have a question for you.
When you shave your head, do you use a straight razor or clippers? 'Cause I tried using a straight razor and I took big chunks out of my scalp and there was blood everywhere.
But when I look at your scalp, I don't see any nicks or cuts.
So how do you do that? I'm good with a blade.
Now step away from the computer, please.
Hello, Bertie.
Walter Blunt.
Is this the news?