Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Queen of Hearts

1 Previously on Blunt Talk.
I think I'll go to the gambling meeting.
Good idea.
You love to gamble.
- [gasps] Are those real? - Of course they are.
Mr.
Blunt.
Stay and have a cup of coffee.
Mr.
Daniel Craig and Mr.
Jeffrey Katzenberg are just finishing their dessert.
I know we've only just met, Gisele, but thank you for being kind to me.
You know where my keys are? You can remember poetry, but you lose your keys.
- I guess so.
- Jim, open your door.
SHELLY: He's a hoarder.
I'm gonna pay for you to see my analyst.
This freakish storm is the perfect backdrop for talking about what we're doing to the environment.
Well, there's a family in LA, I mean, they're hoping that by having no impact they'll have an impact.
Yes, that's what I need.
A shift in consciousness at the grassroots level.
Celia, that is a message I can work with.
[grunting] Ooh.
10 strikes to the abdomen today, sir.
- Very good.
- Thank you, Harry.
[panting] But why am I keeping my organism so pristine, Harry? I mean, what's the point of all this fitness if I don't put it to good use erotically? - Preparedness, Major.
- Check the log.
When was the last time that I needed to be prepared? Suffocation nightmares, books read, famous friends, strange and beautiful coincidences, healthy bowels.
Why don't you alphabetize the log, Harry? I've told you this more than once.
The log is my domain, Major.
Oh, here we are, love making.
It's been seven months, sir, since you had proper intercourse.
And with whom did I have proper intercourse seven months ago? Margaret, an attractive fan you met at the Gelson's Market.
You just signed your divorce papers, became intoxicated, and went shopping without me.
Margaret? [sighs] It's rather an alcoholic blur, Harry.
Is there a phone number? Uh, yes, sir, but it's specifically notated that you're not to see her again.
After making love, she wept, vomited, and you found antipsychotic pills in her medicine cabinet.
Well, so much for Margaret.
[piano playing] [indistinct chatter] You know, I just wanted to see you, Walter, and thank you for being my bottom that night.
Hey [laughs] Gisele, we were only together for a few minutes.
Oh [laughs] That would have been fun.
Um, I mean my emotional bottom.
Ah.
Getting arrested.
It was truly a wake up call for me.
And for me too.
I am trying to turn everything around.
My life, my show, my relationship with my young son.
And, uh, mere detail, but I'd like to help save the planet.
Those are all amazing goals, Walter.
What are your goals, Gisele? What do you want from our shared wake up call? I'm finally gonna settle down, get out of the life.
Settle down? I have someone who really loves me.
- Always has.
- I see.
I pushed him away for so long.
I didn't think I deserved to be loved.
Who's gonna love the tranny? [chuckles] But I want to stop wasting time.
Life feels like it's just flying past me.
I understand.
I often feel that way.
I wonder where the hell has it gone, my life? And then I think of that line from The Red Shoes.
"Time rushes by, life rushes by, but the red shoes go on dancing forever.
" [chuckles] I'll see you and raise you 300, you nasty piece of work.
I take my rosé straight.
Thank you, Teddy.
[ice cube clunks] Your turn, beanpole.
Yes.
Sorry.
I'm just just let me I will raise you one.
DIANE: Okay, you know we play by Vegas rules.
That white chip is worth $1,000.
Oh! Drop it, girlie.
You already bet.
Is it possible just this one time to start over? No do-overs.
This is poker.
It's not plastic surgery.
- Right, Mel? - Screw you.
Ooh.
[laughs] [all groan] Motherfucking hell.
Celia, that's you.
What, I won? [laughs] Where'd you find this idiot savant? The BBC.
[laughs] [piano playing] [people chatting] Mind if I join you, Mr.
Blunt? Oh, sure, Phil.
Stan.
I couldn't help but notice you were with quite a stunning lady tonight.
Oh, yes.
But it turns out she's just a friend.
I haven't had much luck with romance lately.
[chuckles] I understand.
I haven't had sex since the 20th century.
What? Oh, my God.
Phil, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
It's a gentle path.
No germs.
No hurt feelings.
I'm all in.
It's getting boring taking your money, Rosalie.
So let's make it interesting.
If I win, you book my client on Blunt Talk.
Which client of yours is such an unappealing fungus that you have to win a bet to get 'em on air? Suzanne Mayview.
[laughs] Tomorrow night.
No bumping her.
Don't be ridiculous.
She's a far-right publicity whore.
Walter would never have her on.
Sweetheart, I think I'm gonna turn in soon.
Good night, everyone.
Good night, darling.
Teddy, where are your pants? Oh, shit! I spilled some hot sauce, threw the pants in the wash, then the mini quiche were burning.
It's all right, Teddy.
Just go to bed.
I'm sorry, ladies.
Aw.
Is is Teddy all right? He's fine.
He's just Losing it.
Mm.
I'll take the Mayview bet.
Rosalie, are you sure? Cards, Diane.
Yes! [exhales] - Oh.
- No bumping her.
WEISS: This hoarding is just a symptom.
Underneath the mess is always sex.
So what are you, a breast man, a leg man, or an ass man? You don't have to be embarrassed, Jim.
For example, Walter is a breast man.
Because he never met his father, he's fixated on the nipple as his primary source of love.
Should you have told me that? Uh, no, but you liked hearing it, didn't you? So what are you? I'm a foot man.
And shoes.
I like shoes.
Beautiful.
I like the armpit.
But that's another story.
So what turns you on about the foot? Okay.
Well, um when I make love to a woman, although it's been a while, um, I I start at the foot, like a tiny boy with a miniature penis.
But by nursing on the foot and smelling my own saliva, I begin to to rise up like a beast, the foot nourishing me, growing me, until I'm this full-grown man with a tusk-like phallus.
It's hooked.
It's pointed up at the stars, the cosmos, the great wheel in the sky.
And then I take the woman, pleasing her with my manly hook, and then Zip your pants, Jimmy.
I need you.
We're in session.
I don't care! You've turned my newsroom into a psych ward.
You're very aggressive.
I would like to get you on the couch.
I bet you would, but I know what lurks deep inside me and I'd rather leave it there.
[door closes] ROSALIE: Celia! Holy shit, Rosalie.
She's the Ann Coulter of the death penalty.
I know, I know.
Well, can't you renege? It was just a bet in a ladies poker game.
Thanks for inviting me, by the way.
No, I can't renege.
Linda Wilcox reps everyone on the right, the far right, and the extreme right.
Also some people in the center.
Well, what about the zero-impact family? Walter's gonna hate bumping them.
Why are Jim and Celia in your office and not me? Because I want them here.
Don't be so needy.
What's going on? Just letting you know that Walter's in the building.
Good.
Now close the door, please.
Okay, but next time I'd like to be here when you have a meeting.
I will not give this woman a national platform.
She is pro-life and pro-death.
Her world view is completely muddled.
Then engage her.
I will not help this woman sell a book that advocates murder and vengeance.
- But, Walter - WALTER: No, Rosalie.
This is not up for discussion.
I want the zero-impact family.
They have the kind of message that I need to get out.
A message of change.
Celia, Jim, you agree with me, don't you? I'm sorry, Walter, but we all think you should have Mayview on.
She needs to be publicly discredited.
I've already put a packet together.
And we'll rebook the zero-impact family right away, I promise.
All three of you really think this is the right idea? ROSALIE: We do.
You know, Anderson Cooper had Mayview on, and he didn't do well.
- He didn't? - He was too soft.
You're hard.
Can you just let me keep 10 back issues of The New Yorker? I swear I'll read 'em.
I'll read 'em someday.
No, no, no, no.
Dr.
Weiss said not to let you hold on to anything.
He said it'll help you accept your sexuality if you get rid of all this crap.
- He talked about my sexuality? - [door opens] Can you believe this woman is proposing that executed prisoners should have their organs harvested without their consent?! [door slams] - I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Jim, no! Stop it! - No, come on, Martin.
- Get off! No! [both grunting] How are the horses, Harry? I'm on one of those streaks, Celia, that makes you feel like a schoolgirl who's just had her first kiss from the handsome bad boy who tastes like cigarettes.
I understand.
I'd never played cards before, but last night I won a lot of money, and it was better than being with my magician.
How is your magician? - [sighs] He disappeared.
- Magically? - No, he went back to his wife.
- Ah.
And I don't know if I'm having some sort of weird reaction, but gambling feels better than sex.
Sounds like you've met the Queen of Hearts.
- How much did you win? - [whispers] $5,000.
[quietly] Would you like to win some more? Very much.
- How did this stuff end up in there? - Aah! [panting] I don't know.
My tidal system was off.
Some things would swim in and not swim out.
Oh, bullshit.
This woman believes that victims' families should have the option of participating in firing squads! [grunts] I shouldn't have deceived Walter, but I had no choice.
He can't know that I had a lapse in judgment.
[muffled speaking] Walter needs to feel that I'm strong.
It frees him to be weak.
[inhales] Sorry.
I need a little air.
Why aren't you wearing glasses? You said I had nice eyes, so I'm trying contacts.
[scoffs] Hello, Margaret.
I don't know if your voice-mail is recording, but, uh, this is Walter.
We met in Gelson's Market about seven months ago, and I was wondering if [knocks] Goodbye.
Hello, Shelly.
Walter, the Adlers are here.
Because they don't have cell phones, I couldn't reach them.
Oh, shit.
I didn't have the heart to tell them they're bumped.
They rode their bamboo bicycles here.
They had to leave their house at 3:00 a.
m.
They are environmental heroes, and we are bumping them for a woman who advocates murder.
[slams book] I'll break the news to them myself.
Okay.
Just a heads-up, because they rode their bikes almost 50 miles, they're kind of, um, stinky and I can't shake the smell.
But this helps.
I love cherry.
So I sniff it.
Major, Celia's in the loo vomiting.
I offered to drive her home.
She looks contagious.
I'll take over the edit of the B block immigration story for her.
Good.
Work it out with Rosalie.
Harry, be a good chap.
Drive Celia home.
Yes, sir.
[breathing heavily] Mr.
Adler, I'm Walter Blunt.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Oh.
[chuckles] Uh, I think two bows is enough, Mr.
Adler.
Please, call me Duncan.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Well, it's very nice to meet you, but I - This is my wife Sally.
- Oh, hi, Sally.
Eli, and this is KK.
Hi.
Oh, I like your chalkboards.
I must get one of those for my young son.
If you do, let us know.
We make our own chalk.
We also do quite a bit of pickling.
And, uh, we use our own waste as manure.
Well, that's wonderful, but there is something that I really need Oh, oh, whoa.
These get lodged in the blowholes of dolphins.
Use it, and then hold onto it forever.
Oh, God.
I will.
Yes, thank you so much.
Uh, but [clears throat] There is something we need to talk Yes, of course.
There's not a moment to waste.
We're running out of time to reverse what's happening.
You're right.
It's frightening, but I mean literally running out of time.
According to German environmental scientists the Germans are the best.
They're still making up for the Holocaust.
Global warming is causing the planet to rotate more quickly.
You see, time itself is speeding up.
Oh, you know, those Germans could be onto something.
At least once a day, I think of this line from the film The Red Shoes.
"Time rushes by, life rushes by, but" "But the red shoes go on dancing forever.
" Oh, my God.
You also know The Red Shoes by heart.
It's one of my all-time favorite movies.
Back when I was still able to watch movies.
Mr.
Adler, do you believe in strange and beautiful coincidences? Mr.
Blunt, I was just about to ask you that very same question.
Oh, nice.
Stay right here.
Walter Blunt.
SALLY: Good.
Good.
[leg cracks] - Ow.
- SALLY: You okay? No.
Ow.
- Okay, oh, oh.
- Ow.
- Here, do you want to sit down? - Ow! Sorry, but I am un-bumping the zero-impact family.
Their message is too urgent and they are delightful.
You can't.
Suzanne Mayview's already in her green room.
Then I'll bump her myself.
Walter, Linda Wilcox is a very powerful publicist.
I don't give a shit about Linda Wilcox.
My concern is with the planet! [door slams] [toilet flushes] [laughs] That is so embarrassing.
But that flush was for a tinkle.
I swear.
Do you Brits classify it that way? Number one, number two.
We provide no classification - except denial of the act.
- I see.
Well, thank you for saying hello before our chat.
- I'm Suzanne.
- Yes, I know.
And there is something we have to discuss.
I know we are on different sides of the aisle, but I just wanted to put it out there right away that I'm a big fan.
Oh, my God.
[gasps] Where did you find this? A bookseller in London.
There were only 1,000 copies printed.
In 1984.
I know.
They're very rare.
- I loved it.
- Thank you.
"As my mother aged, "my love for her seemed to be picking up in velocity, "each moment with her more precious than the next.
"My greatest regret is that she passed while I was in the Falklands "and I was unable to say goodbye.
Unable to tell her one more time that I loved her.
" Will you sign it for me? [speaking softly] I'm very touched.
Of course I'll sign it.
Thank you.
It's "Suzanne" with a Z? You can sign it to "Snax.
" With an X.
That's what all my friends call me.
And am I counted among them? I would like to think so.
Are those red shoes? This is a high-stakes game.
A group of crooked domestics.
Tough bunch.
They have a connection with a liquor distributor because of all the home deliveries.
Are you a crooked domestic, Harry? No.
I have a weakness for gambling.
I never thought of it that way before, but I went to a Gambler's Anonymous meeting.
It bollocks'd up my thinking.
[knocks rhythmically] Special knock.
So are we bad, Harry? We're lying to Walter, me skipping out on my work? Well, in this moment, we are bad.
I admit it.
But what good has it ever done for people to judge themselves? So that they can exert some self-control? Oh, yeah.
No, you're right.
- Should we turn back? - Well You're late.
We're starting.
Larry King's pool guy.
[gasps] See, it's all gonna be all right.
Everyone's happy.
Yeah, except for the Adlers.
The father cried when I bumped them.
Good evening.
This is Blunt Talk, and I am Walter Blunt.
We begin tonight's program with Suzanne Mayview, author of An Eye for an Eye: Why America Needs the Death Penalty.
Welcome to Blunt Talk.
We're happy to have you on, Suzanne.
Thank you, Walter.
This is so exciting.
It reminds me of boarding school.
After lights out, we used to play this game called French Honeymoon.
Quit your small-talk.
I'm not your friend.
I call.
[laughs] So so that beats a pair? Yeah.
No, it's fine.
I'm gonna win it all back.
I've got this.
So four of a kind.
So what's a full house? The death penalty is undeniably popular.
32 out of 50 states have it.
62% of Americans want it.
- Do you know who James Surowiecki is? - WALTER: I do.
SUZANNE: He writes for The New Yorker.
Well, he has done some fascinating research on the wisdom of crowds.
Shit.
I bet I just threw away that issue.
The wisdom of crowds gave us McCarthyism.
Time to bury her, Walter.
Well, that is a controversial choice, invoking the wisdom of crowds.
And what I do not understand Well, let me try to make it a little easier for you.
If you like.
Why's he being so fucking civil? Does he look weird? Like too friendly? You look weird.
Why are you squinting like that? I lost a contact lens.
If a criminal were to break into your house and rape and murder your loved one wouldn't you want capital punishment for that person? She's going for the most tired hypothetical of them all.
An eye for an eye is a philosophy millennia out of date.
But let us consider your scenario and what punishment actually achieves.
Consider? Cut to commercial! Jesus Christ! Uh, but right now, I'm sorry.
We have to take a break and we will be right back.
So when, uh, do you leave for what is it Oklahoma City? - Mm, um, tomorrow.
- Walter, quick word.
[speaks softly] Oh.
Excuse me.
[normal voice] Yes? What is it? Why are you being so easy on her? I'm not being easy.
But she read my book.
And Dr.
Weiss thinks that I should begin This is about the death penalty.
I don't wanna hear about that horny quack.
Horny? Listen, I can't let you make a fool of yourself.
She's walking all over you.
But she could be Mary Matalin to my James Carville.
Walter, focus.
The death penalty is racist and barbaric.
Only China, Saudi Arabia and Iran have more executions than we do.
You forgot Iraq.
No, you forgot Iraq.
[speaks softly] You're Walter Blunt.
Now act like him.
[speaks softly] You made your point.
I needed that.
Thank you.
15 seconds.
Oh, while you were shouting at me, I saw you have a contact lens stuck between your breasts.
[news jingle plays] WALTER: And we are back talking with Suzanne Mayview, author of An Eye for An Eye: Why America Needs the Death Penalty.
Isn't it shameful, Suzanne, that America has the fifth-most executions in the world? Trailing only China, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, and Iran.
No.
No, I just think of the families of the victims and how they need closure.
So what about the families of those wrongfully executed? They'll never have closure.
An eye for an eye will only make the world blind.
SUZANNE: Walter, you've been in battle.
Quoting Gandhi in the 21st century is naive.
Pardon me, but it is you who are being naive, Suzanne.
Oh, I'm naive? Come on.
No, I'm sorry.
You're being naive and you are reckless with the value of human life.
Yes, it is true.
I have killed in the name of war.
But it was war that made me a pacifist.
It was war that made me want to protect the innocent and the guilty.
So if America wants to be the leader of the free world, then it must not kill at home.
Answering murder with murder is not an answer.
We'll be back right after this.
[news jingle plays] Thank God! [laughs] Here's your contact lens, dear.
I'm winning, but you're losing.
A clever player knows when to quit.
A clever player knows how to win, and I'm clever.
I went to Oxford.
[inhales] Celia, no.
No coaching.
Yeah, skirt's on her own.
I can't believe my magician gave me fake pearls.
Forget the damn pearls, Celia, just run! [growls] [engine revs] [tires squeal] I'm gonna fuck you up, Harry! [horn honks] Be honest.
All that stuff back in the green room.
Were you just trying to soften me up? - Hmm? - I was.
Ah.
But I was also very attracted to you.
- Really? - Mm.
You really roughed me up.
Just now or during the broadcast? - Both.
- Ah.
Our interview was like foreplay.
I hope I wasn't too rough with you.
[speaks softly] Mm-mm.
Perfect.
[normal voice] You know, every woman adores a fascist.
A boot in the face.
Who the hell said that? Mussolini? No, Sylvia Plath.
Oh.
Snax [sighs] I wish you didn't live in Oklahoma.
Hey, you know they still have the death penalty in California.
What is the meaning Then of love? And do we say it Just because? Is it a lie Or like a line? Because we say it All the time I'm trying hard To be a man But, babe Oh, I can't even stand When will this Callous heart be free? 'Cause you just won't Be good to me Oh, baby, I ain't What I seemed just before I know you've got to go Your only chance Is here to bypass me Give no sympathy You know I'll comfort thee Oh, but my face Has got me out of my mind And on my knees What is the meaning Then of love? And do we say it Just because? What is the meaning Then of love? And do we say it Just because? Is it a lie Or like a line? Because we say it All the time