Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Meth or No Meth, You Still Gotta Floss

1 Previously on Blunt Talk You want to, you know, like last night? - [inhaling] - Global warming is causing the planet to rotate more quickly.
You see, time itself is speeding up.
I want the zero-impact family.
They have a message of change.
We'll rebook the zero-impact family right away.
- Good night, everyone.
- ROSALIE: Good night, darling.
Teddy, where are your pants? Oh, shit.
- Is Teddy all right? - He's fine.
[door creaks] SHELLY: He's a hoarder.
Good Lord.
Is that my Queen Elizabeth mug? I do see you as a mentor.
Like a father mentor.
Sure.
I hope to be on the air someday just like you.
It's healthy to have goals.
Major why does your new bidet still have its bow on? I'm having second thoughts about the bidet, Harry.
But why, Major? All you've been clamoring about is having your own bidet ever since we were in Davos.
Well, with this drought, it seems irresponsible.
And to make matters worse, I have not delivered a message of hope about the environment.
Your staff did say such a message would be difficult to convey, sir.
Well, maybe tonight will be the night.
The zero-impact family are on.
I know the way they live is extreme, but it is those people on the edge who will have a chance to cause a shift in consciousness.
[Rosalie screams] ROSALIE: Jesus Christ! You've made a terrible mess! You're so clumsy, Martin.
I don't like a clumsy man.
What's wrong with you?! Rosalie! Privacy, please.
Walter, I didn't mean to upset her.
No, it's all right.
It's all right, son.
Rosalie, why were you berating Martin? He spilled coffee all over the keyboard.
And I just got a call.
Teddy's in the ER.
The nurse said he fell.
He's got three stitches in his forehead.
- Is he all right? - I don't know.
He's not answering his phone.
I'm going to Cedars and pick him up.
Is there anything I can do? No, it's all right.
It's only three stitches, Rosalie.
I'm sure he's going to be fine.
I don't know, Walter.
[sighs] I don't know.
[muffled] Listen, buddy, you're not gonna get fired because you spilled a cup of coffee.
I'm not worried about that.
It it's Rosalie.
I'm I'm worried about our friendship.
- Yeah.
- WALTER: Okay.
I'm going with Rosalie to Cedars-Sinai to get Teddy.
Nothing serious, should be about an hour.
Email me the script for A block.
I'll look at it on my phone.
What's that on your head? [muffled] Oh, it's it's just my my ostrich pillow.
[indistinct chatter] - What's on your face? - Shaving cream.
What did you think it was? Nothing nothing.
[scoffs] - [door opens, closes] - God damn it.
[groans] [indistinct chatter] Teddy checked himself out against medical advice.
He told them he had to go to work.
- He's retired.
- Of course.
I think he must've gone home, but he's still not answering his phone.
I hope he hasn't got a concussion.
Let's go to your house then.
Well, maybe you should go back to the office.
- You've still got a lot to do.
- No, we're in good shape.
Jim and Celia can take care of anything that comes up.
Come on.
Hey, the ladies are waiting for us in the conference room.
Okay.
What's that thing for, anyways? Like, a pinched nerve in your neck? No, it's an ostrich pillow.
Oh.
Since I I lost my nest, it's kind of a miniature nest for me to hide in.
I can relate.
You know, Rosalie's kind of like my nest.
Or she was.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- Yeah.
I like your top.
[chuckles] Oh, thanks.
Oh, yeah, we're matching.
- Funny.
- Twinsies.
But your breasts look better than mine.
What? - Don't be silly.
- It's true.
I wish I had your breasts.
[growls, laughs] My dad always said that champagne-glass boobs were the sexiest, and I've never gotten that out of my head.
Did I just hear the word "champagne-boob"? Oh, I like pointy boobs.
You know, the ones that look like magical elf shoes? Elf shoes? - You're turned on by elves? - Oh, yeah.
WALTER: This is very strange.
Where can he be? His car is still in the driveway.
God damn it, he's still not answering his phone.
Oh, Rosalie.
Oh.
Oh, well, he must've just left.
Look, the ice in this drink is not melted.
Maybe he went for a walk to clear his head.
Maybe, but it's too early for him to be drinking.
Rosalie, what is going on here? Your home is never this untidy.
Teddy keeps it so neat, like Harry.
[sighs] I don't know what's going on.
We had a fight last night.
When I woke this morning, he was gone.
[phone chimes] [gasps] - Teddy? - No, a receipt.
Teddy and I have a rideshare account.
He took a car to Burbank.
Oh, Burbank? Another woman.
I hope so.
Then he'd be safe.
I'm just checking the address.
[phone chimes] It's a bar.
The Britisher.
They open early for alcoholics.
Oh, Lord, he's going on a bender.
Well, he should've called me.
Big jug.
So, what other kind of boobs are there? Walter and Rosalie on line one.
I got it.
Got it.
- Hello, Walter.
How are you? - WALTER: Hello, everyone.
We'll be a bit longer than I thought.
ROSALIE: Email us your pitches and any tape you have so Walter can prep.
And, Martin, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You didn't deserve that.
It's all right.
I still worship you unconditionally.
ROSALIE: Thank you.
You're a good man.
Anything to add, Walter? WALTER: Jim, you're in charge until I get back.
- Okay.
- What? Well, why aren't I in charge? Is it 'cause I'm a woman? - WALTER: No, Jim's senior.
- [mouths] Yes.
If there was any gender bias, it was unconscious and I apologize.
[quietly] Well, put me in charge, then.
- Celia.
- WALTER: I can't, Celia.
It wouldn't be fair to Jim after I just said he was in charge.
- [quietly] Thank you.
- WALTER: May I speak to Harry? Yes, Major? Just wanted to hear your voice, Harry.
All right, good-bye, everyone.
We'll be back as soon as possible.
- Bye, Walter.
- Bye.
Bye, Rosalie.
[phone line clicks] I'm just gonna just scoot over here.
Make it official, I guess.
Anything I can do for you, sir? Something for your coffee, perhaps? [quietly] Uh, I don't, uh no, no, thanks, Harry.
So I suppose I'm the new Rosalie.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
[laughs] Get out.
I want to be in Celia's chair.
Nope, too late.
Why doesn't anyone want to sit in the Jim chair? It feels sad over there.
It's always moist.
Excuse me, sir.
We are looking for a man, blonde, not much in the way of cheekbones, tall, glasses, good posture.
May have a bandage on his forehead.
- Kind of bemused look in the eye.
- Walter, that's enough.
Well, I'm trying to give an accurate description.
Sir, I asked you a question.
I don't answer questions.
What do you mean you don't answer questions? I mean, uh, this is the Britisher Bar.
I'm British.
I have rights here.
Whose drink was that? You know, you just asked two questions, and I told you I don't answer questions.
I'd like you to respect my boundaries.
[crowd cheering on TV] Walter, Teddy's in another car less than a mile from here.
He's on the move.
He must've just left.
Yeah, thank you, sir, for all your help.
This is a fantastic tracking device.
Give me the keys.
I will drive.
Let's lead with the teachers' unions protesting in Ohio.
[imitating Walter] I do love a good protest story - [normal voice] as Walter says.
- MARTIN: Yeah.
Oh, is that supposed to be your Walter impersonation? I I think we should start with the Pentagon leaks 'cause he's always like, [imitates Walter] "I do love a good leak.
" CELIA: No, he would want to lead with the strike.
He's pro teachers and pro union.
[normal voice] I think Pentagon because it's military and I already sent it to him.
What do you think, Shelly? Let's go with the strike.
Celia had the better Walter impression.
[sighs] Martin? Oh, I agree with Shelly for once.
Celia did have the better impression.
Yours just sounds like Sean Connery.
- Yeah, I thought that.
- Buddy, come on.
She's English.
Yeah, and I'm Indian.
What's your point? ROSALIE: We're gaining on him, Walter.
Oh, I'm an excellent tracker.
I always get my man.
[siren wailing] Oh! Jesus Christ.
Pull over, Walter! [siren wails] WALTER: Sod it! - Damn it, Teddy's getting away.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, wait a minute.
My license has been suspended.
Rosalie, quick, change seats with me.
[grunting] - Okay? - Okay.
[grunting] Here, that's it.
[grunts] Oh.
[horn honking] - ROSALIE: Oh! - WALTER: Oh, shit.
Back, back, back.
- What? What? - Go back, go back, go back.
- We gotta go back? - Yes, go back.
[grunting] - Okay.
- Fuck.
[grunts] [car door closes] Uh [chuckles] Hello, Officer.
Just having a little seat belt problem.
You didn't see that red light, sir? Yes, I did.
But you see, Officer, we are in pursuit of my friend's husband who has suffered a head wound and he's in a hired car.
Hey, you're Walter Blunt.
You kicked a member of the LAPD in the balls Look, I understand your position, Officer, but your colleague is recovered and he has full use of both testes.
What I wanted to say, Mr.
Blunt is thank you.
Out here in Burbank, we're not too fond of the Los Angeles Pricks Department.
Oh.
So I'm not going to impound you, but I am going to have to give the lady who was driving a ticket.
Thank you, Officer.
A donation will be made immediately to the Fraternal Order of the Burbank PD.
[quietly] That went well.
[bicycle bell rings] [normal voice] Oh, Rosalie, look.
It's the zero-impact family.
My God, they're riding their bicycles to the studio.
Mr.
Adler! Mr.
Adler! Oh, damn it.
He didn't hear me.
Oh, Rosalie, I have to get back to the studio.
[sighs] Oh, where's he going now? Oh, Teddy.
[honks] Thank you, gentlemen.
A car will be here for you in five minutes.
- Where's Teddy now? - He's hit the desert.
You know, I hate that you have to press on without me, but you understand.
It's okay, Walter.
I can handle it.
You're needed back at the studio.
[car engine starts] Rosalie, wait, wait, wait.
No, I'm coming with you.
Don't be ridiculous.
You haven't missed a broadcast in five years.
And you have been by my side for 20.
- You're more important to me than Blunt Talk.
- I am? Well, I mean, it um, it it's very close.
Yes, you're more important.
I keep saying I have to help people.
Then I should help you, someone I love.
[indistinct chatter] - Walter is on line one.
- Ah.
Yes, Walter.
WALTER: Listen up.
Rosalie and I are not gonna make it back for the broadcast tonight, so, Jim, I want you to replace me on air.
W-what? On the air? You told me that's your dream.
Walter, this is now conscious gender bias.
I'd like to be on air.
But you never told me that, Celia.
Uh, next time there is a crisis, you can have my chair.
I promise you that.
But there is something that you can do for me.
[quietly] Yes, Walter? Bump the zero-impact family.
I want to have that interview for myself.
Apologize to them on my behalf.
Tell Mr.
Adler I will have him on air as soon as possible.
[groans] Oh, God.
Uh, W-Walter, I I just want to say thank you for this opportunity.
What's that, Jim? I-I can't hear you.
[louder] I wanted to thank you for this opportunity.
Um, but, this is kind of overwhelming.
WALTER: I can't hear them.
I think we've lost the connection.
- ROSALIE: Yeah.
- WALTER: Oh, Lord.
I hope Jim doesn't fail miserably.
ROSALIE: God, yes.
[line clicks] [moans] Take this, sir.
[coughs] Well, if we're gonna pull this off, we need to change your look.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
What's wrong with my look? Plenty.
Come with me, sir.
[whispers] Thanks, Harry.
- Still not answering his phone.
- What does the app say? [phone chimes] Oh, he's just been dropped off.
- Oh.
- 1100 Lonesome Canyon Road.
- ROSALIE: What? - Oh, Lord, it's 20 miles away.
- [Rosalie groans] - Well, let's hope he stays put.
Rosalie, has Teddy been acting erratic lately? Walter, I I'm not in the mood for talking right now.
I I just want to find him, okay? Yes, of course.
You know, this desert makes me think of Joshua Tree.
- You remember? - Of course.
The party.
- Teddy got loaded.
- Yeah.
He started reciting poetry naked.
[chuckles] His body was completely hairless.
[laughs, sighs] He was so happy.
Well, those are two things he loves nudity and poetry.
You know, when we were starting Blunt Talk, he wrote down a line of poetry for me.
- Oh.
- By Jack Gilbert.
And I've carried it around ever since.
"I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell, but just coming to the end of his triumph.
" What does that mean? Well, that's what I asked Teddy, and he said, "Don't be scared to fly.
" [clicks tongue] Oh.
Oh.
[revs engine] [shower running] Oh, damn, there's no shampoo.
Harry? HARRY: Yes, sir.
Uh, thank you.
Are you sure this is really necessary, Harry? Yes, Major.
Did you just call me Major? Yes, Major I mean, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Force of habit.
It's okay, just you can call me Jim like you used to, you know? With your change in status, I prefer sir, sir.
So, let's start the whipping.
Mm, would you like dialogue? Okay.
You've been unclean, sir! Ah! - Very unclean! - Ah! - Naughty! - Ah! - Naughty! - Ah! What are you? I'm messy ah! - You are messy! - Ow! - Right, tidy your room! - Tidy my room ah! - Tidy your room! - [screams] HARRY: Tidy your room! Walter wanted me to convey his most sincere apologies for bumping you off the show again.
I'm sorry, I can't keep pretending that someone is not howling in pain nearby.
Oh, that.
Oh, that's my, um my fellow senior producer is getting ready for his broadcast debut.
He's subbing for Walter.
But why is he in agony? Well, um, Harry, Walter's manservant, is leeching his body of toxins by whipping him with a towel.
That's my understanding.
Well, we need to leech our planet of toxins, which is why it's so crucial that my family and I be on the show.
I'm so sorry, as is Walter.
But you will be on the show again, I promise.
ADLER: Okay.
Thank you.
I'm not good at being assertive.
I have odd self-esteem.
- Mm-hmm.
- But it's very important that I stress we need to get our message out there to the people.
Mankind is imbalanced and needs to change.
[screaming, shouting continue] JIM: Oh, God! Oh, God! [Jim moans] Walter has a manservant.
Yes.
Yes, he does.
[car door closes] Well, there's no more activity on the app, so he has to be here.
God, what a desolate, dreary place.
Come on, Walter.
Are you sure you don't want me to shave your head, sir, so you can look like the major? It wouldn't take much time at all.
No, I'd like to keep my hair, Harry.
I really would.
It's like a curtain for my head.
I think a bald head would suit you, sir, just as it does the major.
But I defer to your wishes.
Mm.
Unhappily, I may add.
[breathes deeply] Now, hold still, sir.
Deep breaths.
Mm-hmm.
[exhales] - Mm.
- No flinching.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
I don't feel comfortable doing this.
Our guests come here for privacy and relaxation.
Or for smoking meth, but I'm cracking down on that.
Your husband's not a meth-head, is he? No, nothing stronger than booze.
Meth? Thankfully, that's one drug I've never tried.
I hear it's very bad for the teeth.
Well, meth or no meth, you gotta floss.
Hello? - Hello?! - Teddy, open the door, darling! [keys jingle] [grunts] Okay.
Oh.
[sniffs, sighs] Jesus, we're on a wild-goose chase.
He's not in the bathroom, but he used it.
And he didn't flush.
That's not like Teddy.
Actually, it is.
[toilet gurgling] [scoffs] May I present tonight's host of Blunt Talk, Mr.
James Stone? [applause, cheering] Stop it, no.
Okay.
It's okay.
- CELIA: Turn around! - MARTIN: Spin, yeah.
- Really? - Spin! Spin! WOMEN: Whoo! [man whistles] [cheering continues] More, more! [laughs] Shh.
Impressive moves, Jim.
How about we save some of that for the broadcast? Rosalie called and told me about Walter's laryngitis.
So I'm counting on you.
This is your Super Bowl, your Broadway debut.
This is you coming out of the birth canal.
- I will.
- [Celia, quietly] He's gonna be great.
I mean, he's gonna he's gonna lead with Pentagon leaks Yeah, but what I'm looking for here is charisma, humanity, enunciation.
- A-a masculine vibe.
- Yeah.
And numbers.
Really good numbers.
Don't fuck up.
[quietly] I won't.
No fear! Whoo! [all clapping] I can't do this.
- I can't do this.
- No, don't be ridiculous, Jim.
You're just gonna read off the teleprompter - and sit up straight.
- Right.
- Yep.
- Okay.
Okay.
- That easy.
- Good.
[sighs] - No, I'm sorry.
- [screams] [both grunt] [bird squawking] Teddy? Teddy! The sun'll be gone soon and he doesn't have his windbreaker.
- Where is he, Walter? - I don't know.
- Teddy! - Rosalie.
- Teddy! Rosalie, this is madness.
Look, he could be anywhere.
We need to call the police.
- No, we'll find him.
- Rosalie - Teddy! - Rosalie, stop it.
Stop it.
[panting] Y-you have to face up to what's going on.
What do you mean? All right, I'm gonna say this straight out.
Is Teddy showing signs of dementia? No, please don't say that word, Walter.
- Rosalie - I don't want to watch Teddy disappear in front of my eyes like my mother did till he's a stranger.
- Rosalie - I'm not ready to lose him.
I don't want to say good-bye.
Right, now you two get down there and spoon.
That's what the major and Rosalie do in a crisis.
No, Celia is the big spoon, Jim is the little spoon.
[sighs] That's better.
[sighs] [door closes] I'm not ready for this.
[both sigh] Listen, Jim I was hurt when Walter chose you over me.
But when you came out of here before, I didn't see a guy in hoarding recovery, I saw a very handsome, capable news-man.
- [soft laugh] You did? - Yeah, I did.
[sighs] I like spooning.
[wind whistling] Is that? Teddy! Teddy, what are you doing? Sweetheart, what are you doing in the pool? It was hot.
But why have you come all the way out here to this motel? I needed to lie down.
Oh.
[kisses] CAMERAMAN: Okay, Jim, we're going live in five, four, three, two Good evening.
I'm James Stone filling in for Walter Blunt.
Tonight, anonymous leaks from inside the Pentagon send shock waves through Washington.
Are there more on the horizon? It's not good.
His eyebrows are losing their mind.
Ahem.
The leaks included internal emails detailing the CIA cyber-attack.
Jim, just calm down.
Remember the spooning.
I'm rooting for you.
[inhales] The emails detailed a CIA cyber-attack designed to disable Iranian centrifuges.
This ended up blacking out a significant portion of southern Turkey.
Officials in Ankara submitted a formal complaint to the UN.
This comes on the heels of allegations regarding the use of US drones [sighs] Ahem.
- Well done, sir.
- Thank you, Harry.
Mm.
You know, we made pretty good Walter and Rosalies.
No, we make excellent Jim and Celias.
Can we just rest here for a while, hmm? [quietly] Of course.
Mm.
[sighs] Hmm.
Hmm.
Don't distract me with your smile I've far too much to do Whoo, you tell me to slow dance But I can't, I can't I can't Can't say that I will never, never leave Can't really promise to be true Can't tell you that I'll always need you Can't tell you 'cause you're scared to lose What do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me? [vocalizing]