Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Who Kisses So Early in the Morning?

Previously on Blunt Talk You've been unclean, Major! My dad used to love doing magic tricks.
Why did he stop, the old bastard? - Um, he died.
- Oh.
I do miss him still.
He used to teach the piano.
He's a hoarder.
Is that my Queen Elizabeth mug? Stay.
Okay, but I don't want Walter to see me.
I'm always afraid of disappointing him.
Is Teddy showing signs of dementia? I don't want to watch Teddy disappear in front of my eyes.
- I like your top.
- Oh, yeah, we're matching.
I wish I had your breasts.
Time to wake up, Major.
Time to wake up.
Harry, I had another dream about a Burt Lancaster movie.
This time, he was swimming and then he had a cocktail.
What do you think that means? Well, supposedly, sir, everyone we dream about is really us.
So Burt Lancaster is actually you, Major.
Oh, I like that.
So there must be some kind of symbolism at play.
Yes, in the last one he was flying and in this one he's swimming.
I think it means you're getting somewhere, sir.
But where you're going, I'm not sure.
- Right.
- Dad, let's play.
Good morning, Bertie.
The most important thing is not to panic.
There could be many reasons for intermittent brain fog.
I don't like the sound of intermittent brain fog.
I know, Mr.
Winter, but it's very early on and we'll do a full battery of tests.
It's gonna be all right, Teddy.
I know it.
Could I possibly produce as many erections as I do having dementia or Alzheimer's? I don't think so.
Well, how many erections exactly do you manufacture? A lot.
It's true.
Teddy is wonderfully virile.
- Oh.
- Really? How often do you two make love? Not every day anymore, but every other day.
That's about right.
I do masturbate every day, though, to keep the prostate invigorated.
Teddy, you're so lucid today.
Thank you, dear.
I think it's 'cause I'm angry.
So, that is how samurai practice.
Now, next Friday evening, all as part of your training, I am going to show you Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai.
And maybe even Rashomon.
I'm not sure the lad is ready for Japanese postwar cinema, Major.
But it's good to be exposed to art, Harry.
I didn't do enough of that with Rafe.
Yes, Jim? Uh, I I can't come, Walter.
What do you mean you can't come? I just I kind of have my hands full right now, Walter.
And it is a Saturday.
You know how important this speech is to me.
Your father is giving a speech at a very important university.
Isn't that impressive, son? Yeah, that is impressive, Dad.
So I need you there, Jim.
This kind of stuff is all part of me rehabbing Blunt Talk after my arrest.
Hey, and I came to your birthday party.
Yeah, well, that was that was in the office kitchen.
Okay, um, I'll be there.
You can count on me.
You know I support you, Walter.
- Thank you, Jim.
- Yeah.
- You want these? - Yeah, I need those.
When was the last time you used them? Um, uh, it was a a while ago.
No, come on.
Come on.
- Let's go.
- Ready? Please be careful.
I fucking swear to God, Harry, if I have to get out of this car one more time Oh, you're early.
- Are we? - I have your lecture, Walter.
I made the revisions we talked about and I added that funny story about Winston Churchill having piles.
Well, we'll discuss it in the car.
What's going on here? Is that your piano? Yes.
Well, it was.
It belonged to my father, but I've just sold it.
We should probably get going.
Why did you sell it? Looks like a very nice piano.
Because I, um well, I I wanted to pay you back for helping me with my gambling debts and for the sessions with Dr.
Oh, please.
Well, for one thing, Dr.
Weiss was my treat and you don't have to pay me back so quickly.
You see, Harry? This is what you've done with your gambling vice.
I am trying, Major.
I've given up gambling and replaced it with knitting.
No, I want you to have the money, Walter.
It's important to me.
All right.
Oh, actually, Walter, could I just borrow $20 from the money you lent me? I forgot to tip the men and they just carried the piano all the way down those stairs.
Thank you.
Come on, Harry.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you so much.
All right, let's head out.
Oh, I can't bear it.
I just have to play it one more time.
What the hell is she doing? Is that Clair de Lune? Yes, it is.
I love Clair de Lune.
Every full moon my mother would play it and cry and talk about her menses.
Harry, quick.
Get in the car.
Follow that piano.
So she hopped on this damn truck, Harry lost them, and she has my speech.
I couldn't run through a red light, sir.
There were schoolchildren.
I think you could have made it, Harry.
You don't need a speech, Walter.
Just get up there and be yourself.
Give them your Davos talk.
Yeah, you're a great bullshitter.
Uh, ad-libber.
- Thank you, Jim.
- Yep.
- Are you ready, Mr.
Blunt? - Yes, all good.
Welcome, everyone, to the Annenberg School of Communication and Journalism's Saturday lecture series.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, thank God.
Where the hell have you been? - I got the truck to stop and I got on an Uber.
- Okay.
I could easily continue to make much ado, but without further adieu, right here, right now, Walter Blunt.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Good afternoon and thank you so much for this invitation.
It gives me great pleasure to be standing in front of so many aspiring journalists.
"So there are these two young fish swimming in the ocean when they come across an older fish swimming in the opposite direction.
He nods at them and says, 'Good morning.
How's the water?' The two young fish continue swimming until one turns and says, 'What the hell is water?'" Uh, that's David Foster Wallace's speech.
Uh Those were my notes.
I screwed up.
Why were you plagiarizing David Foster Wallace? Plagiarize? That's really rather rude, young man.
You didn't answer my question.
I asked you why you were reading David Foster Wallace's speech to Kenyon.
- Kenya? - No, not Kenya.
Kenyon College.
Do you even know who David Foster Wallace is? He's my favorite writer of all time.
All time.
Of course I know who he is.
And I've even read one of his books A Confederacy of Dunces.
A Confederacy of Dunces is written by John Kennedy Toole.
David Foster Wallace wrote Infinite Jest.
Yes, well, there is a certain similarity in the themes of the titles.
Dunces, jesters.
Both the authors have three names.
Oh, my God.
You must understand this has just been an unfortunate mistake.
No, but had I not stopped you damn it, Garret had I not stopped you, you would have kept going, right? You have no respect for the dead.
I'm being crucified on the Internet, Harry.
I had no idea this Wallace chap was so popular with the intelligentsia.
I mean, why haven't you read him to me? I try very hard to keep you current, Major, but you doze off five minutes into anything postmodern.
Oh, this is absurd.
If Celia hadn't gone running off after her piano, none of this would have happened.
It's all very unfortunate, sir.
I'm sure it will blow over.
Oh, yes, you're right.
It's a brief Internet imbroglio.
Lord, I read two sentences of that man's speech and I'm being accused of plagiarism.
- It's ridiculous! - Yes, sir.
Even so, Celia has been behaving somewhat erratically of late.
I mean, gambling, promiscuity, that magician chap and Rafe.
Two gents do not qualify as promiscuity, sir, especially compared to what I've written in the logbook about you over the years.
Oh, that's true.
Even so, I think she is troubled.
Perhaps even more troubled than Jim.
I would argue, sir, that of the two, Jim is the more troubled.
Hey, what's up? Here? Really? Yeah, sure.
Come on over.
So when are they coming to start cleaning you out? Um they came.
Uh, so have you heard from Walter? I emailed him a long apology and he hasn't written back.
I can't bear to have him angry with me.
It'll pass.
I promise.
He's very forgiving.
I almost gave him an overdose and now he calls me his son.
You know, I met Walter when I was 12 years old.
What? How is that possible? He came to my school to judge an essay contest and he chose mine as the prizewinner.
- Hmm.
- It was about apartheid.
- You were against it? - Of course.
Well, does Walter know about this? No, I never told him.
My dad died about a month before I met Walter, and it was like everything was black and my eyes were closed all the time.
And this famous man, this war hero, comes and chooses my essay and puts his hand on my shoulder for a picture and the world wasn't black anymore.
You really should tell Walter.
No, I'll seem like a stalker.
I've been sort of following him for 25 years.
That is a long time.
You can't tell anyone what a freak I am.
- Do you promise? - I promise.
I'll never tell anyone.
Also, you should know, I don't judge freaks.
I mean, I judge me, but I don't judge you.
Bronson is upset.
They had a meeting in New York.
It was just a talk at a college, Bob.
And the Internet has turned me into a plagiarist through innuendo and misinformation.
- God.
- It's just like the Dreyfus affair.
Richard Dreyfuss is having an affair? No, the Dreyfus affair.
Paris, 19th century.
Bronson read The Huffington Post and he wants you to release a statement.
What is ironic is that the speech I eventually gave was about how the Internet is destroying verifiable journalism.
Newspapers are dead and we're next.
- Don't say that.
- Well, you know it's true.
And I am running out of time to get my message across instead of having to deal with this bullshit! Everything will be okay.
This will blow over, I know it.
But he's being ridiculed and it's all my fault.
Yeah, it is.
But it's it's okay.
We all support you, Celia.
I support you.
Thanks, Shelly.
It's just a little bit to the right.
Oh, sure.
Oh, that feels so chocolaty.
You know, I had a dream about you last night.
We were wearing the same top again and I was unlocking my bike and suddenly we were kissing.
- Oh, that's funny.
- Yeah.
I guess because of your problems with Walter, I was trying in my dream to comfort you.
- Mmm.
- Also I used to be bisexual.
- Oh.
- Yeah, in college.
And I think I miss it.
'Cause I can't cum with men.
Oh, dear.
Yeah, but with girls, it was always easy.
I was less self-conscious, you know? Or, you know, orgasms can be elusive.
Sometimes just a hot bath can be nice.
When I woke up this morning, I was sad that it was just a dream.
So, yoo-hoo.
Should we kiss right now? Shelly, you're making me very uncomfortable.
You know that I have porous boundaries.
Just a little kiss before we start working.
Like a cup of coffee.
Teddy was lucid on Saturday when we were at the doctor, but then on Sunday he was confused again.
I've had to take away his car keys.
Oh, that sounds really hard, Rosalie.
I wish I could help you somehow.
You do by listening to me.
I really value our friendship.
Me, too.
But sometimes I just I feel so confused.
You know, not not about us, but about everything.
My life.
I'm going to be 28 soon.
Martin, I want you to know that I don't want to put any restrictions on you.
You're young and need to feel free.
I know.
I mean, I don't have a Teddy, but I have other special friends.
You do? Jim, I just came from Gardner's office.
We have to release a statement about this Foster Wallace debacle.
- Ah, shit.
- Yes.
I'm an innocent man who has to declare his innocence.
So let's get Celia and craft something really strong.
I'll get you your coffee, sir.
Uh, Walter? Celia feels really terrible about what happened.
Well, she should.
Celia! Shelly! What the hell are you two doing? It's only 9:30 in the morning.
No, it's not what it looks like.
Shelly had a dream and I can't say no.
Celia, you have turned your office into a boudoir.
I have not turned my office into a boudoir.
Who kisses so early in the morning? Major, Vivian and Bertie are down in the lobby and on their way up.
What? Why? There's been some kind of trouble at the school.
A boy told Bertie you copied someone's homework and Bertie struck the lad.
Oh, my God.
This plagiarism fiasco has even reached a preschool.
He's only been suspended for today, but if he misbehaves like this again, Walter, it won't be good.
He can even be kicked out.
- Kicked out of preschool? - No, no! Children roughhouse.
It's part of life.
Not at Westlake.
It's postracial and gender-neutral.
You know that.
Bertie shouldn't have hit that boy.
He's never been violent before.
I fault the parents of the child he hit.
They should not have been talking about me.
I am proud of Bertie.
He defended my honor.
No, you cannot encourage that sort of thing.
He told that boy he hit that he was a samurai.
He said that? Did you show him a violent movie or something? - Of course not.
- Uh-huh.
Listen, Vivian, um I have a lot of work.
Can I come around this evening and then I can talk to Bertie properly about all of this? - Faster! - Oh, I win! Banzai! Okay, we need to draft a statement.
First of all, I'm so sorry.
I don't need apologies, Celia, I need ideas.
Well, I was thinking that in addition to your statement, you should tackle this head-on.
You gave a great speech, but the blogosphere hijacked your message with this phony accusation.
What are you suggesting? Well, I've contacted the chief media writer at the LA Times and put him on hold for this evening.
And you can discuss with him how your stoning on the Internet is an example of what you warned about in your speech.
Rosalie, Jim, what do you two think? - I think it's strong.
- Me, too.
- Excellent approach, Celia.
- Thank you, Walter.
But I have something else on my mind.
I am not a prude, as you all know, but I think people should stop using their offices for sexual encounters.
I mean, you all work very hard, but there are other ways to relieve stress.
- Masturbation.
- Not during business hours.
What about affection and spooning? That can still go on within reason.
What about towel whipping, Major? That's not sexual, Harry.
It's not? So are you and Shelly a couple now? No, I was trying to help her.
- She missed being bisexual.
- Welcome back.
We are here with media writer David Frisch of the Los Angeles Times to discuss the events surrounding me in the last 48 hours, which is a perfect example of the kind of lynchings the Internet favors over real, fact-based journalism.
Welcome to Blunt Talk, David.
Thank you, I'm very happy to be here.
- Last weekend I gave a speech - Yeah.
At the Annenberg School of Journalism and by mistake one of my assistants gave me her research notes instead of the lecture we had been working on together.
Yes, I read your statement on the matter, and you may or may not be aware of it, but there were two grammatical errors.
Well, so much for the British educational system.
Anyway, included in her notes was David Foster Wallace's wonderful speech given at Kenyon College, and by mistake I began to read it.
Now, clearly, I would never plagiarize a well-known speech given by such an eminent writer.
But the Internet decided So you're you're saying that you would never plagiarize - because you yourself are a published author? - Exactly.
And, you know, to prepare for this interview, I read your book A Soldier's Lament and, uh, I found a passage in it that I think is very relevant to this discussion.
Do you mind? Well, I can't imagine I touched much on the Internet 30 years ago, but, no, please, go ahead.
"In war our elders may give the orders, but it is the young who have to fight.
It is the young soldier who must bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.
" Do you remember writing this? Actually, no, I don't.
Though these are sentiments that I stand by today.
You don't remember writing this - because you didn't write this.
- I'm sorry? These words were lifted and combined from General Douglas MacArthur and T.
White, the author of The Once and Future King.
Well, I have never read anything of General MacArthur, though T.
White is one of my favorite authors.
Oh, is that why you chose to steal from him? What are you doing? Are you another one of those jumping on the social media merry-go-round hoping to make a name for yourself at my expense? No, I am merely practicing the thing that you just said was dying fact-based journalism.
And you can read all about it later on my Tumblr.
Well, of course that explains everything.
Look, if I combined the words of General MacArthur and T.
White over 30 years ago, - I did so unwittingly.
- So you're saying you did it.
- Thank you, Mr.
- That's news.
You can return to your pleasant pastime of castrating writers who have more to say than you do.
We'll be right back after this.
You, sir, can go fuck yourself! It was your idea, Celia, having him on the show.
He sandbagged me.
You didn't vet him properly.
Walter, it's not a fuck-up.
You handled him beautifully.
I loved the castration line.
- Really? - Yeah, me, too.
It was great.
Yeah, you really nailed that jerk.
- Really? - Walter, I'm so sorry we brought him on.
I can't believe this happened.
Well, I can believe it, Celia.
You have been unfocused and out of control for weeks.
Weeks? It's just a couple of days.
Weiss hasn't helped at all.
I am very disappointed in you.
- Disappointed? - Yes.
I mean I I never know what's going on with you.
Sir, don't say that.
She hates to disappoint you.
She's loved since she was twelve.
Jim! I can't believe and if you are disappointed and you want to fire me, then don't worry because I quit.
I quit Blunt Talk.
- Celia! - Celia! Both of you just leave me alone.
That boy was mean about you.
I know, Bertie.
I know.
But the thing in life is to try to be kind.
You know, Shakespeare said, "Love all, do wrong to none.
" - Shakespeare? - Yes.
Now, do you think you can be kind to the silly boy who was mean? - Mm-hmm.
- And no more hitting.
- Okay.
- Good.
But now it's time for sleep.
I thought you should see this, sir.
Found it in the scrapbooks.
Oh, Lord.
Jim was right.
Celia has been following you since she was a child.
We've got to get her back, Harry.
Yes, Major.
Hey, whoa, whoa You've got this all wrong, Harry.
This is no way to carry a piano.
Well, how should we carry it then, sir? I didn't know you were an expert.
I am not an expert, Harry, but I know more than you.
Yeah, you know more about complaining.
Harry, I don't like your insolence.
I don't like yours, sir.
Yeah, careful.
Careful! Look what you made me do! That was not my fault.
- Jim? - Jim.
Oh, my God.
You all right, Jim? Steady now.
That's it.
Easy as she goes.
I I was in the wrong.
I lost my temper.
Do you think you can forgive me? You had your reasons, Walter.
I've let too much of the confusion in my mind leak out at work.
You see, what you need to do is compartmentalize.
That's what people who are talented and disturbed do.
- That's what I do.
- Right.
But I think part of my problem is that I've always put women on a pedestal.
I was a mother's boy.
I expect women to be perfect.
And that's not fair.
- I've been too hard on you.
- Yeah.
Well, I understand.
I've put you on a pedestal for a very long time.
- Am I still there? - Yes.
Sometimes you get off it, but then you always get back on.
Look at those two silly buggers down there trying to repair that piano.