Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - I Remember That Time More Like a Movie I Saw Than a Life I Lived

1 Previously on Blunt Talk.
- Tonight, on Blunt Talk - DUNCAN: Everybody! Everybody! This is a takeover, but stay calm.
The major described a good orgasm like a red comet followed by a black abyss.
You were the nicest guy I've met in a long time.
Good night, everyone.
Is Teddy showing signs of dementia? JIM: I really like spending time with you.
You know, socially or not.
You want to, you know, like last time? - Rosalie, this is Rosalie.
- What? WALTER: Are you dating Moby-Dick? It's just Moby, no Dick.
- And, yes, I am.
- When did this happen? Walter, we're divorced.
It's none of your business.
- I wish I had your breasts.
- [laughs] Celia, Shelly.
It's only 9:30 in the morning.
Blunt Talk [groans] Not so tight, Harry.
It's a necktie, not a noose.
- My brain needs oxygen.
- It does, Major? - Don't provoke me, Harry.
- Yes, Major.
I made the changes to the Dalai Lama paternity story, Walter.
Thank you, Martin.
What have you done to your hair? Oh, my girlfriend likes a center part.
She's in charge of my look now.
Here are the talking points on the bombing.
- Thank you, Shelly.
- You smell good, Walter.
I like when you don't wear deodorant.
- I am wearing deodorant.
- And I applied it.
Jim, Celia, stop that.
There's a lot of strep throat about.
Uh, you're right, Walter.
I don't know what we were thinking.
I'm so sorry, Walter.
I wish Jim would let you see other people.
All I want is one night a week.
- I'd go down on you for hours.
- Shelly! There's my number one team.
I love you, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
And I especially love you.
- Mmm! - Oh! Bob, please.
Rosalie, Bob just struck me on the ass again.
Will you have a word with him about it? - He says it's for good luck.
- Ha! STAGE MANAGER: We're on in 10, Walter.
- Have a great show.
- Thank you.
Oh, shit.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Good evening.
Welcome to Blunt Talk.
I am Walter Blunt right here, right now.
Walter Blunt? What you doing on the bus, man? You got canceled? No, sir.
Just trying to be a responsible citizen.
Our world is in peril.
All right, okay.
All done.
I been thinking about the nature of time, sir.
- Again, Harry? - Yes, sir.
Our experience of time is like the knitting of a hat.
Each pass of the needle is a day in one's life and the finished hat is an obituary.
A summing up, an accounting.
- An epigraph and an epitaph.
- It can't be.
- Cornelia! - Major? It's Cornelia.
Cornelia! Stop the bus.
Stop the bus! I'm fucking Walter Blunt! [tires screech] Whoa.
Major! Oh, my knitting! [camera clicks] Oh! Major, what's going on? I saw Cornelia, Harry.
I'm sure of it.
Here in LA.
- What? - And now I've lost her.
I'm sorry, sir.
"Then each soul shall be paid what it has earned.
" The end.
Well, that finishes the Koran, Major.
Very good, Harry.
Thank you.
[sighs] The Koran, the Bible, the Torah.
My education is nearly complete.
Oh, what about Confucius? He's next on the syllabus, sir.
And each soul shall be paid what it has earned.
Your medicine, Major.
Oh, no, thank you, Harry.
It doesn't feel right to drink so soon after finishing the Koran.
Oh, yes, I I see your point, sir.
I keep thinking about Cornelia.
Could it have been her or am I insane? You're not insane, sir.
But perhaps when it comes to Cornelia, there is still a touch of lunacy inside you.
So I think it was an illusion.
You're probably right.
I'm forever looking out of the corner of my eye in crowds.
"Is that her? Is that her?" I will never love like that again.
Oh, fuck it, Harry.
Give me my medicine.
Right away, sir.
Is it my destiny to die alone, Harry? Not as long as I'm around, Major.
[knocks] SYLVIA: Excuse me, Walter, but, Harry, can you come to bed? I'm lonesome, I'm blue, I'm horny.
Right away, darling.
Good night, Major.
[sighs] [breathing heavily] The doctor said I had six polyps.
They look like little punching bags.
He showed me a picture.
Punching bags? Not balloons? No, punching bags.
It's a hereditary thing.
You have got to get Jim to go have a colonoscopy.
It's gonna be a problem because he has always been very fearful of anything coming near his rectum.
Well, a lot of people feel that way.
I could never take his temperature when he was a boy.
I would slather up the thermometer with Vaseline.
Oh, he would fight me.
Anyway, this is very important.
50,000 Americans die of colon cancer every year.
- That many? - Yes.
I don't have the numbers on rectal cancer.
JIM: Celia, are you there? One second, Mrs.
That's Jim calling now.
Um, yes, Jim? Just wanted to say happy three-month anniversary, Mommy.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
But I've told you not to call me Mommy at work.
- What does he call you? - JIM: Why? Spanish men have been saying "mami" for years.
Anyway, no one can hear me.
We're on our private line.
[stammering] Um, yes, but I'm FaceTiming with your real mommy and she's got six little polyps, so it's very important that you get checked.
Six lollipops? Are you saying lollipops? CELIA: God, these cans are terrible.
No, not not lollipops.
Whatever you're saying, it doesn't sound good.
But that's not the point.
Tell my mom to stop FaceTiming you.
Well, you tell her.
Jim, is that a can? How'd you sleep, Major? Not well.
Yes, sir.
And I had a sinister dream about Orson Welles.
My subconscious, I'm afraid, is polluted by anxiety.
I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
Me, too.
But I love Orson Welles.
I was in "Touched By Evil.
" - You mean "Touch of Evil.
" - "Touched By.
" It's an erotic reimagining of the film.
Ronnie directed.
Anyway, Orson glowered at me as if I was a criminal, but I haven't done anything wrong lately, have I? The only thing I can think of, sir, is that you've yet to respond to Vivian and Moby's wedding invitation.
It was sent over a month ago.
I guess I'm putting it off in the hope it's not true.
What do they mean by "come as yourself"? I mean, how is that a guideline for how to dress? It is open to interpretation, sir.
Well, maybe he'll make her happy.
I wonder if he's an adequate lover.
It's not something I've considered, sir.
His buttocks seem meager.
It's not a matter of buttocks, Harry, as you should know.
[phone rings] Holy fucking shit! Duncan Adler, an eco-anarchist who hijacked the Blunt Talk news show three months ago, has been apprehended.
Adler has been hiding out in the Hasidic community of the Melrose District.
And here he is now.
Adler, what do you have to say for yourself? - I did it for the planet.
- Are you even Jewish? - I'll let you know - Good Lord.
Enough of this.
What are you talking about? We should have had cameras down there.
I love Adler.
You know we've been number one since he took you hostage.
Bob, I think we're number one because we've all worked so hard.
Listen, I want you to get an exclusive jailhouse interview with Adler, okay? We're gonna ride this thing for the next three months.
Make it happen.
But, Bob, I don't want to give that madman more airtime.
He could have killed people that day.
That would have been great, but he didn't.
So please get the interview.
Have a beautiful weekend, everyone.
I will be attending another LGBT regatta.
I'm on it, Walter.
We'll do it next week.
And we're all set up for tonight.
Now, what about Monday's Medicine Cabinet segment? I've heard nothing, so pitch me.
Um, uh, well, my HPV epidemic story is always ready to go.
- Plus I added a sidebar on chlamydia.
- Nope.
- More NFL players are dying ev - Nope.
Some professors at MIT seem to be able - to send text messages with their minds.
- No.
Fitbit watches now come with an app that helps with premature ejaculation.
- Nope.
- The royal family has Jesus Christ, no! How about this, Walter? Half a million Americans die of colon cancer every year and these mortalities could be prevented with routine colonoscopies.
I haven't got the figures for rectal cancer, but How is colon cancer better than HPV? I haven't finished yet.
Jim's mother has six polyps.
It's hereditary, so Jim will have to have a colonoscopy and I say why not make it into a live broadcast? What? Mommy.
- Mommy? - Oh.
I like the colonoscopy idea.
- Me, too.
- But, Walter, I I don't want to.
Jim, you're doing it.
This colonoscopy broadcast to millions could save lives.
Mendelson and Beth are here for your cognitive therapy, Major.
Thank you, Harry.
All of you, there is something you can do for me.
There's a writer for The Guardian.
Cornelia White.
Find out if she's in LA.
Any reason why, Walter? I thought I saw her last night and 30 years ago I was madly in love with her.
Now, tell me.
Well, you see, my love, these past two months have been the happiest months of my life.
Oh, I've been so happy, too.
I want to be with you always.
I'm filing for divorce.
Rafe is a mature boy.
- He will come to accept - Walter, Walter, no.
You've misunderstood everything.
What have I misunderstood? I never wanted you to leave your wife.
Oh, God.
I think I'd better leave right now.
Walter, I'm so sorry.
WALTER: And that was the last time I ever saw her.
MENDELSON: I imagine that must have hurt like hell, Walter.
I went through something similar in my own life and my liver failed and I wasn't even drinking.
Oh, yes, it hurt.
A great deal.
But now I remember that time more like a movie I saw than a life I lived.
It's interesting.
In the few months that we've been working together, I don't believe I've ever heard you describe anything with quite that le oh, dear, Beth.
- Beth, are you all right? - What is it? I just thought for a moment there that that Beth had stopped breathing, but as you can see, she's she's perfectly fine.
So sorry.
No, it's just that we're very much attached, you see? We've been together for for 18 years.
Anyway, I tried my best to forget her, but Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for today, Walter.
But, uh, we'll be certain and pick it up right here when we get together next week.
Great colonoscopy pitch, Celia.
- Oh, thank you.
- You got a second? Um, I am in the middle of stretching, Rosalie.
My sciatica.
Good, thank you.
I just spoke to Teddy.
He's arrived in Montana.
How did he sound? A bit confused.
But his brother is wonderful with him.
They're gonna go fishing every day for months.
Apparently it's good for dementia.
And how are you? Are you okay? I think I'm okay.
Do you want to go drinking tonight? I know this piano bar.
Sometimes I get up and sing.
Oh, I'd love to, but it's French movie night with Jim.
Do you think it's strange that he calls me Mommy? No, it's very male.
Most men think it, but he's got the guts to say it.
Do you call him Daddy? No but I'd like to.
That's better.
Your hair is very willful.
I know.
I hate my hair.
Try not to use the word hate, even about your hair.
You're right.
Um, thanks for bringing my lunch, Rosalie.
Don't forget to overchew.
It helps with your digestion.
See you tonight.
Mi amor.
Muchas gracias, uh, amigo.
My, my, Shelly.
What are you doing? I'm checking for lumps.
I didn't like hearing about those polyps.
In my mind, I see them dangling like stinky grapes in her colon.
Uh, but aren't you supposed to do that with your arms above your head? - Like pulling the breast taut? - Huh? Uh, Rosalie number two has a plastic card in her shower with the diagram.
Oh, well, if you know so much about it, can you check and see if there's a lump? No.
No, I can't touch your breast.
No, you're too competitive.
Yes, you can.
You're like my brother.
And he used to touch my breasts all the time when I was little.
Really? Yes, that's what happens in families.
Okay, so put your arms over your head.
Uh, uh, uh.
I'm not falling for that.
You're supposed to say Simon says.
Oh, God, you are so annoying.
Simon says put your arms over your head.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Feel anything? No.
Check the right breast.
[door opens] Martin, what are you doing? I thought you were exclusive now to Rosalie number two.
I am.
Uh, Shelly thinks she has lumps.
Yeah, this is just a medical exam, Rosalie.
Oh, let me see.
I'm good at finding lumps.
I have very cystic breasts.
It's true.
Oh, Martin.
- I miss you.
- Ahem.
Hello, hello, hello.
What's going on in here? We're checking Shelly's breasts for lumps.
I'm scared about breast cancer, Harry.
Can you check? All right.
I know first aid from the Marines.
- I'm not sure I feel anything.
- Okay.
Where's Walter? What are you all doing? SHELLY: Oh, they're checking my breasts for lumps.
I'd really love your opinion.
Oh, God.
[moans] - They seem all right to me.
- Squeeze my nipple.
There might be lumps under the areola.
[moans] What the what the hell is going on? We're checking Shelly's breasts for lumps.
Your mother's polyps have made her very paranoid.
Want me to feel them? No, Jim.
That would be inappropriate.
- What? - Walter.
I cherchezed la femme for you.
I just got off the phone with an old friend from The Guardian and she said that Cornelia White is in LA.
She's staying at the Monarch.
[phone ringing] OPERATOR: The guest in room 902 is not available.
Please leave a message.
[beeps] [stammering] Uh, hell hello, Cornelia.
It's Walter.
You know who.
Walter Blunt.
I was on a bus and well, I have a car I have a show.
Blunt Talk.
Perhaps you're aware of it.
Anyway, I would love to see you.
My office number is 323-triple 5-0182.
It's been 30 years and I have never Goodbye.
Great message, Walter.
Really? Oh, Lord.
I think I have vertigo.
For your vertigo, Major.
Thank you, Walter.
Uh, Harry.
NASA announced today that it will continue its partnership with SpaceX, Elon Musk's rocket company.
Of course, Musk is not the only multibillionaire in the rocket business.
Jeff Bezos has Blue Origin and Richard Branson has Virgin Galactic.
So I ask this question why do these visionary businessmen think there is profit in escaping the Earth's atmosphere? Are they the canaries in the mines saying, "Get out, get out"? Well, more on our billionaire rocketeers after this.
- [bell rings] - STAGE MANAGER: And we're all clear.
Cornelia left this message with the receptionist.
- Can I? - Yeah.
"Walter, would love to see you.
Dinner tonight?" Yes! Celia, do you think this is my second chance? I googled her and she was widowed three years ago.
I don't know, Walter.
What is it that they call old loves? Dead flowers.
- Oh, Celia, that's not very encouraging.
- Sorry.
STAGE MANAGER: Walter, we're back in five - Yay! - four, three, two, one.
Welcome back to Blunt Talk.
The billionaires' race to colonize Mars is quickly becoming a reality.
She was this exotic American expat.
But she broke my heart.
Yet I have never stopped hoping for decades, like Gatsby, like Orpheus, that she might yet come back to me.
And now I am going to see her in 20 minutes.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
You know, I once had my heart broken like that.
Doris was her name.
For years I couldn't stop thinking about her.
Oh, yes.
It was like having something always floating across the surface of your eye.
But in this case it was my mind.
Cornelia! You're early.
Yes, well, I thought I'd get a drink, too.
Get your courage up.
That's just what I've been doing.
You always were very French.
I've almost finished exercising.
[woman speaks French] [speaks French] Bravo.
Well, okay, we have a choice.
Boy Meets Girl or The Mother and the Whore.
Oh, it feels more like a Mother and the Whore night, I think.
But before we watch a French movie, can we talk about my colonoscopy? Of course.
The thing is, I don't want to do it.
But it's all set up.
It's important for your health and your career.
And I think people will think you're quite heroic.
- They will? - Yeah.
I already do.
Um can I do my thing? You're looking very well, Walter.
Time has been gentle with you.
I don't know about that.
But you, you're you're as beautiful as ever.
That's sweet.
Do you know what I remember most about those days? No, what do you remember? When your dog gave you fleas and your shins were on fire and you scratched until you got a staph infection.
[both laugh] The past is so vivid for you.
But, tell me, why are you in LA? What are you working on? Let's not talk about work.
It's so dreary.
How about we order, fill our bellies with food so we can drink more? Now that sounds like a plan.
Good thinking.
Any suggestions? Well, the branzino is line-caught.
[mouths words] Go on.
[mouths words] - Oh! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Excuse me, waiter, there appears to be a dress in my soup.
[chuckles] - So sorry.
- Thank you.
This is Shelly Tinkle, here today and tomorrow.
This is Shelly Tinkle bringing the news.
I'm just bringing it, to you.
I don't like that.
This is Shelly Tinkle doing her thing.
[gasps] This is Shelly Tinkle doing her thing.
Yes! Yes! Doing her thing.
Shelly Tinkle doing her thing.
Yes! [howls] This is for my Teddy and all the other beautiful men I've loved and will love maybe later tonight.
[laughter] Love is rare Life is strange Nothing lasts, people change [knocks] ROSALIE2: Martin? Can I come in? I need to be alone in here.
Oh, you need to make a BM.
Do you want me to sing loudly and stamp my feet like last time? Yes, please.
Oh, when the saints go marching in Oh, when the saints go marching in Oh, how I want to be in that number When the saints go marching in Oh, when the saints When did Los Angeles become so beautiful? Oh, what time did your plane land? Oh.
It really is so lovely seeing you again.
I feel the same.
You know, you were the love of my life.
I have slept for a thousand years The sand set in my eyes Born of love that turned to greed And died in God's demise I see you I am you Shell that's made of flesh and bone Keeps my spirit fooled Where love is lost in dawn's false light And wisdom overruled I see you