Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - If It Comes in a Plastic Bag, Don't Eat It

1 Previously on Blunt Talk MAN: Walter Blunt, what you doing on the bus? Trying to be a responsible citizen.
- How do you know Walter? - He's my sex and love addict sponsor.
Oh, shit, I just spit in your mouth.
My thing is to wear no underwear, then I ride the M52 bus.
And I just hope somebody sees what I have hidden up here My noodle and my wontons.
- What about Monday's Medicine Cabinet? - How about this, Walter? Half a million Americans die of colon cancer.
It's hereditary, so Jim will have to have a colonoscopy and I say why not make it into a live broadcast? What? Mommy.
- This is Shelly Tinkle doing her thing.
- WALTER: Cornelia White.
- Find out if she's in LA - CELIA: Why, Walter? WALTER: 30 years ago, I was madly in love with her.
You know, you were the love of my life.
Blunt Talk [Harry sneezes] [door opens] [screams] I'm so sorry, Walter! I love to play soccer.
It was instinct.
Sylvia, darling, are you all right? - I'm fine.
- Harry! What about me? How are you doing, sweetie? - How's the evacuation going? - JIM: Not so good.
I feel like a water balloon with diarrhea.
Oh, you poor thing.
You're suffering.
Can I come in? Okay, just no judgment.
Look at you, hard at work at the broadcast.
We're gonna win a Peabody.
Yeah, well, look at this.
It says one out of every 1,400 colonoscopies lead to injury including a punctured colon, sometimes death.
What if I get a punctured colon, Celia? Well, then you'd have a semicolon.
That's not funny.
Why would you say that? No, look, I know that you're concerned and you should be, but the proctologist who's seeing you is world-class.
Yeah, but who becomes a proctologist? Imagine looking at rectums all day long.
You'd have to be an unfeeling person.
How can I trust this man? Yeah, but maybe every anus is different like so much in nature.
I mean, that would keep it interesting.
I wonder what proctologists dream about.
You're not listening to me, Celia.
[stammers] I want to call this off.
No, no, Jim, please, love.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to leave the world.
I know we've only been dating for three months, but I feel happy to be alive for the first time since [stammers] since I've been alive.
You're not going to die, Jim.
I'll be right by your side interviewing you and I'll make sure that nothing bad happens, okay? - You promise? - I promise.
- [kissing] - Uh I I love you, Celia.
Uh, you You better go.
Better go now.
Run, Celia, run! Oh.
Oh, wait for me to get out the door.
Oh, damn it! [sighs] I've got porridge on my fencing tunic, Harry.
It's because you're distracted, Major.
I thought we said no cell phones during meals.
Yes, I know, Harry.
But I don't understand.
Cornelia has gone silent.
Not a single text in two whole days.
I mean, what does it mean? I can't say, sir.
Perhaps she's on a digital diet.
Oh, that's nonsense, Harry.
She's perfectly fit.
Sylvia, darling, what do you think? This is the woman from your past who you kissed Friday night, but didn't make love to? Yes, that's quite correct.
Whom you kissed and didn't make love to, sweetheart.
Harry, I've asked you not to correct my grammar.
It undermines my confidence as an aspiring screenwriter.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
My mother used to do it to me.
I don't want to be my mother.
Look, I'm sorry, uh, can we just focus on my Cornelia situation? I've sent flower emojis, six regular texts, and a selfie that Harry took of me.
Did I overreach? - Yes.
- Oh, shit.
But you have to give her space.
A woman is like a cat.
You have to let her come to you.
But I've been waiting for 30 years.
Some girls take a long time to come.
You look very pretty today.
Don't be sarcastic.
Why is your hair back to normal? Oh, I'm allowed to comb it on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
But how are you feeling? I was thinking about the lumps in your breast all weekend.
Why? There weren't any lumps.
I know, but that was Friday and I was thinking This came to you from India.
- Indiana? - No, India.
God, she gets angry so easily.
- I really thought she said Indiana.
- What is it? It's from my cousin in Jaipur.
[whispers] Oh, my God.
What? It's a porno.
Blunt Cock? [gasps] Is this supposed to be Walter? It's not Piers Morgan.
It looks hot.
Herschel? W-Walter! I I can't believe it.
I tried calling you yesterday.
Maybe there is a higher power.
I'm sorry.
I get so many calls, you know? Anyway, how have you been? We haven't seen you since the party.
How have I been? You're my sex addiction sponsor.
You supposed to be looking after me.
You're supposed to answer the damn phone.
Actually, Herschel.
[whispers] I never agreed to be your sponsor.
I only attended one meeting.
Now you tell me.
You know, I haven't heard from you for months.
And now I've relapsed on all my addictions.
Sex, pills, sugar, drinking my mother's perfume.
And now look at me.
I'm homeless.
What? That's terrible.
Yes, I've lost everything, Walter.
My job, my Camry.
And I mean I really did lose it.
I parked it someplace and for the life of me I can't remember where.
But that's because I was drinking and acting out.
A Camry? Oh, dear.
How long have you been homeless? Since early this morning.
My mother kicked me out and I have no place to go.
That's all we have for you tonight.
I'm Winston Blunt and I'm really hard right here, right now.
Oh, sexy, sexy That's all I want Sexy, sexy That's all, sexy, sexy MARTIN: How do they do that? I mean, is there a hole under the desk and they're all climbing up a ladder? What the hell are they watching? Herschel.
Oh, my gosh, Shelly! Ha! I'm so sorry I never called.
You know, I got two Shellys in my phone.
I should have labeled them Freaky Shelly, Crazy Shelly.
Called the wrong one, we hooked up It's okay, we're good.
Thank you.
Can somebody tell me what you were watching? Was that man supposed to be me? ROSALIE: You're not gonna like this, Walter, but your neighbor Ronnie has made a porn parody of Blunt Talk.
It's called Blunt Cock.
- What? - [laughs, stops] This is outrageous! It's a mockery of all our work.
The good news it's not on the Internet, but only for sale as a DVD on the streets of Jaipur.
Only in Jaipur? Well, it doesn't matter.
Get the lawyers to shut this down immediately.
I've already reached out to legal.
Yeah, well, thank you, Rosalie.
Harry, would you get Herschel into my office? - Get him settled.
- Yes, Major.
You're right, porn is one of my triggers along with ex-lovers and And, uh, office furniture.
- Let's go, Herschel.
This way.
- Oh, oh, okay.
You know I can't even go into a Office Depot.
- Yeah, off we go.
- Okay.
I know what you all are thinking, but I'll say this for Herschel.
He was very generous in bed.
It was a tender experience.
I'm sorry, can we forget about Herschel? I can't believe that Ronnie would do this.
How humiliating.
Where's Jim? Jim is in your loo getting ready for his colonoscopy.
Uh, Shelly and I will escort him to the hospital when he's, um When he's empty.
And we've scheduled the Duncan Adler jailhouse interview for Wednesday.
Walter, you have a telegram.
- Telegram? - Yes, what did you think I said? - What? - Don't take it personally, Walter.
She's very aggressive.
Cornelia wants to meet me at Echo Park Lake.
Oh, God, that's so romantic.
Rosalie, uh, can I dash off just for one hour? Yes, Walter, it's fine.
The broadcast is 90% prepped.
[kisses] Anyone else want to see how the movie ends? Yeah.
That's all I want Sexy, sexy That's all, sexy, sexy A chilled sauvignon blanc, sir.
Well done, Harry.
[clears throat] Major.
Who was that? Oh, that's my valet.
Well, Walter, yes - Cheers.
- Cheers.
I wanted to meet you out here so that we could speak safely.
I think I'm being followed.
And my phone and my email may be compromised.
That sounds serious.
What have you got involved with? A colleague of mine at The Guardian came to LA several weeks ago.
He was working on a massive climate change story, going around the world to different drought regions Uh, Somalia, Northeast China, Syria.
And now LA.
Well, fascinating.
I would like to meet him.
Well, that's not possible.
He's dead.
The cause of death was listed as autoerotic asphyxiation.
- Really? - Mmm.
I've never understood its appeal.
But then I don't like eating by myself.
Walter, that's not it.
I'm afraid it was murder.
- Who killed him? - I don't know.
He was on to something very corrupt here in LA with the water and got himself killed.
Now I think they're on to me.
I'm so glad you came to me.
I am going to help you in this.
Harry, we're going back to the office.
Uh, forget about the oysters.
Oh, for [sighs] Oi, watch where you're going, sir.
This is an awfully big artificial lake.
Sorry, I'm nearsighted.
I thought this was the 101.
The I really appreciate this, Celia.
With Teddy away, my feet are suffering.
I don't mind.
My feet get so much attention from Jim, it's nice to be on the other side.
Dear Jim.
Dear Jim.
[sighs] I'm worried about him.
The colonoscopy.
No, it's not that.
He thinks he loves me.
What's wrong with that? Well, he doesn't even know me, not yet.
Oh, I'm full of ugly secrets, Rosalie.
That's normal.
No man has ever seen me for who I am.
They'd be too scared.
I'd be too scared.
Maybe it was wrong to start an office romance with Jim.
Of course it was wrong, but that's okay.
That's life.
We go from mistake to mistake.
It's how we learn.
But if we're always making mistakes, what are we learning? Jim Stone.
Jim Stone.
Jim Stone.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jimmy Stone.
James Stone.
Jimmy Stone.
Jimmy Jims.
[knocking] HERSCHEL: Hey, what the hell is going on in there? [sighs] [sighs] Who are you talking to in here? Wait wait a sec.
Have we met? - Mm-mmm.
- I know you.
You spit a mini wiener in my mouth at Walter's party.
[laughs] Ah, that's right.
Oh, my God, I felt so terrible about that.
That was so disgusting.
Good news is, you're the guy getting a colonoscopy, right? Yep.
Well, if that hot dog has given you cancer, they gonna catch it right away.
What? Cancer? Don't Don't say that.
Jesus Christ.
Cancer? Oh, my bad.
I you know what? The news on processed meat in hot dogs is bad and that's all I've been eating for years.
Yeah, it's scary.
I don't want to die.
I recently just fell in love.
Oh, shit.
That is so painful.
You know what? You need, like, a pill or something for your nerves? Yeah, what do you got? Well [chuckles] I have ecstasy, mescaline, Valium.
Oh, what What's that? Um, you know what? This might be the mescaline.
And you know what? You need Valium.
Please don't tell Walter about these pills.
He's my sponsor and I wouldn't CELIA: Ready, Jim? We have to go to the hospital now.
Hey, Stretch.
Did I just swallow mescaline? Yeah.
[exhales] And this is our very democratic kitchen where the staff gather to discuss stories.
Well, this really is very impressive, Walter.
I do think you should have more posters of yourself, though.
- That's what I keep saying.
- Hmm.
- - [laughing] This is my office.
- WALTER: Herschel! - Whoa! Turn that off! Walter.
Okay, I am sorry.
I'm weak.
I slipped already, Walter, I'm sorry.
Harry, will you take Herschel to the conference room? - Yes, Major, right away.
- I swear, you know what I'm gonna do? - Come on.
- Is I'm gonna work on all the steps Sorry, sir.
- I am so sorry, Cornelia.
- No, no, it's A neighbor of mine made a pornographic parody of You know what? Never mind.
Drink? Oh, yes.
I need one.
Well, you make yourself at home.
The bathroom is through there.
We have secure Wi-Fi and telephones.
And when I have finished my broadcast, you are gonna help me to understand everything that is going on.
You're in the trenches still.
Corruption, intrigue.
To getting your hands dirty.
DOCTOR: Okay, let's try this again, please, on three.
One, two, three.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
Stone, you're gonna need to relax, okay? It shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like you might be clenching.
But I am relaxed and everything feels so amazing.
My gown, the cold lube, your thrusting.
Are you all right, Jim? You're acting very funny.
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm okay.
I'm just, you know, a little Ahem, never mind.
Okay, why don't we take a deep breath and let's try it again? Try to open up, Jim.
Like a flower in the sun.
Or like the mouth of a baby bird.
I don't think that these are helpful metaphors, Shelly.
I know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I read a memoir on sodomy, so On three, please.
One, two, three.
- Come on, Jim.
You can do this.
- I know you can.
- Okay.
- God damn it.
Okay, again.
On three.
- Come on.
- One, two, three.
Oh! [laughs] Mmm.
Uh - We're in.
- Yes! Yes.
I'm so happy you have so much Mmm Ew.
You'll start with the immigration bill.
Then a commercial.
Then we'll go to the hospital for Jim's colonoscopy.
- Yeah, got it.
- Are you okay? What is it? Cornelia? Yes.
I feel like a fool in her eyes.
Come on.
Why would you say that? Because she's still a real journalist.
I'm just a talking head.
An easy target for vulgar parodies.
Stop it, Walter.
You're doing important work.
Jim's colonoscopy tonight is gonna save lives.
You know what? It should be me getting that colonoscopy.
I need to get out from behind this desk! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
We'll think of a medical procedure for you, I promise.
- Like what? - I don't know.
Something invasive.
Walter, we're on in 10.
- [clears throat] - [kisses] Oh, God.
Oh, Rosalie, not again.
Oh, Doctor, excuse me.
Off the record, what's your stance on anal sex? Is that something we should be doing every day or is it the old moderation in all things or? Shh! Okay.
Thanks, Rosalie.
Everyone, we're live in 30 seconds.
Welcome back.
Tonight in the Medicine Cabinet we will be looking at colorectal cancer, which is the third most common cancer in the United States.
To help raise awareness about this cancer and what can be done, our very own James Stone is about to have a colonoscopy live on air without the usual benefit of sedation.
Celia Havemeyer is with him.
- Hello, Celia.
- Hello, Walter.
Celia, what is that mask you're wearing? It looks like something a welder might use.
I'm told this is called a splash guard.
- And this is the splash zone.
- Ah.
This is Dr.
Rudy Kamper, who will be performing the colonoscopy for us this evening.
Yes, hello, uh, Mr.
I'm a very big fan and I appreciate your stance on gun control.
Thank you.
Jim, how are you feeling? I feel like my eyes are prison bars and my head's a space helmet.
[chuckles] Right, Jim.
Now, Dr.
Kamper, can you explain to our audience what you're going to be looking for during this procedure? Absolutely, Mr.
Uh, great question as always.
Uh, what I'm looking for during the procedure are polyps.
They're usually benign, but if, you know, we come across any of them, we're gonna get them out of there.
So I I guess you could say you're going to nip them in the butt.
[laughs] Certainly a lot of room for puns in this field.
And I would, uh, also offer a bottoms up.
JIM: Yeah, I have a pun.
I could be dying.
Uh, shall we begin, Doctor? Absolutely, Mr.
Let's go ahead and start.
Phyllis, if you'll bring the monitor over so the patient can watch while we do this.
And let's explore his colon.
Now, right now the lens is at the far end of his colon.
So what I'm gonna do is slowly withdraw it, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious.
- Oh, my God.
- JIM: What? It's the most beautiful pink tunnel I've ever seen in my life.
- I love it.
- DR.
KAMPER: I feel the same way.
You know, people always ask me they say, "Dr.
Rudy Kamper, how can you be a proctologist?" And I say to them, "Because of this.
" WALTER: What exactly are you seeing there, Doctor? Those fatty folds, are they healthy? Uh, that's another really great question, Mr.
Yeah, these folds are totally healthy.
Certainly a polyp can hide on the undersides.
But right now everything looks really great.
Celia, are there any preventative measures our viewers may want to be made aware of? Celia? Walter, sorry.
Um, yes, there are measures.
A diet high in fiber, avoid processed foods, and if it comes in a plastic bag, don't eat it.
I mean, give it a wide berth.
Things If I can just interrupt for one second and point something out that's fascinating.
Jim, have a look at that blue dot right there.
That's your liver.
Hey, liver.
Why so blue? Now, let's move on to the transverse colon.
One fact a lot of people don't know about the transverse colon That it differs slightly from the colon.
People don't know that unless [voice fades] Hey, who are you guys? Please tell me, who who are you guys? We're your good bacteria, chief.
We keep things healthy down here.
What are you doing? We're not supposed to talk to the chief.
Yeah, well, there's never been a camera down here before.
This is our chance.
Chief, we've all been talking and we think Celia's the one.
Hold on to her.
Don't ever let her go, okay? Oh, no! Coming in! - Run! Run! - Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
No No, no, no.
No! [sputtering] Ch Chief! Chief! Please.
[sputtering] JIM: No, no, no, no, no.
No! Little Jims! Jim, Jim, Jim.
You okay? What's going on, Doctor? Jim, are you all right? - CELIA: Jim, are you okay? - JIM: I'm more than okay, Celia.
I just had a I just had a scary vision, but I love you.
Every cell in me loves you.
We're on-air, Jim.
Jim, I suggest you lie back down.
Walter, I want to propose to Celia.
Do I have your permission? Jim, uh, this isn't the time or place.
I don't care.
I'm gonna ask her anyway.
Celia, will you marry me? I love you so much.
I really do.
- Not not here.
- Please? This is terrible, Jim! - Okay.
- Celia.
Celia! - I think he's on drugs or something.
- JIM: Celia! Jim, please.
[groaning] Hi, Walter.
So sorry about that.
We just saw a very real, very emotional moment, which I assume are are common during cancer screenings.
Kamper, is that right? Uh, sure, yeah.
Cancer can be a trigger.
Uh Jim, stop fighting us.
The camera took forever to get inside you.
I have to get to Celia.
Wait, wait, wait! Dr.
Kamper, is that a polyp? Uh, yeah, definitely looks like one.
What, I I have a polyp? Got a good eye, Shelly.
I'm gonna have to lance that.
- Lance? - DR.
KAMPER: This is not good.
Okay, Walter, go to commercial.
Shelly, we're going to take a break now.
Oh, okay, Walter.
This is Shelly Tinkle doing her thing.
Of course Cornelia was here for this catastrophe.
Where was she when Barney Frank and I cried together? That was beautiful, Major.
Stop it, Walter.
Tonight was great.
Jim was nuts, but the Internet is on fire.
We really raised awareness.
But what about Blunt Cock? I've been made to look like a clown in Jaipur.
Don't worry.
Legal is on it.
And anyway, the actor who portrayed you is very well hung.
- Really? - Mmm.
[chuckling] I gotta tell you, I am loving your book, Walter.
It is hilarious.
Herschel, where's Cornelia? Your lady friend? Uh, I heard her on the phone.
She's meeting somebody at the old depot.
The S&M bar? [gasps] Oh, I know that bar.
We should totally go there sometime.
But, no, I'm talking about the old depot in Griffith Park.
- Did she say why? - Something about a source.
It seemed serious.
We should go there, Harry.
I'm concerned.
Oh, before you go, can I tell you about something that happened to me at the other Old Depot? - Not now, Herschel.
- It's a really good story.
There's no penetration.
- - Celia, will you marry me? I love you so much.
I really do.
- Not not here.
- Please? This is terrible, Jim! Celia.
Celia! Celia, will you marry me? I love you so much.
I really do.
Not Not here.
Celia, will you marry me? I love you so much.
I really do.
Not Not here.
- - [crickets chirping] Cornelia, it's Walter again.
Please call.
It's pointless, Harry.
She's not picking up.
We'll find her, sir.
This can't be good, Harry.
Cornelia? [sighs] Oh, no.
Hey, chief.
We never said propose.
[stammers] Just saying.
Please, go away.
Yep, okay.
God damn it.
Escape so hoarse so long Whispers in a song Call my name, a moth to flame You'll catch it 'fore it's gone I'm really sorry I asked you to marry me while having a hallucinogenic experience, okay? Jimelia is on the front page of Reddit.
What the hell is Jimelia? - Walter, hi.
- Hi.
- It's so good to see you.
- Yeah.
- Am I? - No.
It is a romantic story.
People wanna know why Celia won't marry him.
- You wanna know, right? - Oh, yes.