Bob's Burgers Episode Scripts

N/A - Flu-ouise

1 (bell on door rings) (stuffed up): Hello, everybody.
Guess who's got two thumbs and the flu? This gal! Feel my forehead! Just feel it! Feel it! Oh, yeah, you're on fire.
Uh-huh! She's half girl, half grill.
All cop.
A really sick cop.
Oh, no, Louise, you caught that flu bug that's going around? That's terrible.
I know, such bad luck.
It's interesting how upbeat you are.
Maybe 'cause you want to miss school? Father, how dare you.
But, gosh, now that you mention it, I might have to miss some school.
Man, too bad, I love that stuff.
Louise, you do not want that flu bug.
I had it and it gave me weird fever dreams.
I dreamt I was in a book club with my cousin Vanessa, but she was a werewolf.
Well, I may have the flu, but I've never felt better.
(sneezes) Gene, celebration hug.
No! Tina All right, I'll take one of those bad boys.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, Tina, no! (Louise coughs) How's my little sick pickle? Wow, that's quite a setup you got going on.
Oh, yeah.
We got my buddy Bakeneko here, Akkoro Kamui, Dodomeki and Mizuchi.
I'm just gonna call them all Hello Kitty.
Now let's get you some medicine, huh? Uppity doodity, bup bup bup bup dit dit! Right down the hatch.
Okay, I'll check on you in a little bit.
(spits) Like I want to get better.
Hey, wait a minute, who's missing? Kuchi Kopi.
Gah, the Kuch.
He's only my favorite toy in the world.
If I had a favorite.
Which I don't.
(clears throat) (air horn blares, all scream) Jeez, I thought we took the air horn away from her.
Did you hide it in your underwear drawer? Yes.
We know about the underwear drawer.
And about your underwear.
(air horn blares) Coming! (air horn blares) Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, good, you heard that.
Listen, would you be a lamb and bring me Kuchi Kopi? I would get him myself, but I'm just so sick and weak.
(fake cough) Sure, where is he? In the bathroom next to the toilet.
Why is he there? If you must know, mother, he is my doodie buddy.
Well, I'll be right back.
(humming) There he is.
Whoa! Whoa! (struggling noises) Oh, no.
I dropped Kuchi Kopi in the toilet and then I tried to rinse him off in the sink and then I dropped him in the toilet again and now there's a bunch of water sloshing around in there.
Oh, Louise won't like that.
Yeah, Mom, that's, like, her favorite thing.
Don't you think I know that, Tina? Oh, my God, what do we do, what do we do? Well, we could put rice around it and put it in the oven.
No, it might dry it out.
People do it with phones.
We should probably throw some ribs in there too.
Just in case.
Does anyone else feel kind of freezing and, like, floaty? (breathes deeply) Just me? Ugh, where the hell is Kuchi Kopi? (air horn blares) Just a second.
(laughs nervously) Okay, it's at 100 degrees.
So, how long does this usually take? 30 minutes.
30 minutes? That's a half an hour.
Louise'll catch onto us before that.
All right, look, I know this oven pretty well.
Oven brag.
So, I think if we just turn it to 200 degrees for a few minutes, it'll do the trick.
(air horn blares) Oh! I can't go in there by myself.
You guys are coming with me.
What are we gonna tell her? We just got to stall.
I could distract her with an intriguing dance.
Hmm? Hey, sweetie.
So, where's Kuchi Kopi? Right, Kuchi Kopi.
(Gene sings) Ooh! Look at him go.
That's so good.
Wait, Louise, is that your medicine? Um, no.
(gasps) You spit it out? You're taking that medicine, miss Missy.
No, I am not.
Don't you make me do the full family hold down.
You wouldn't dare.
(all grunting and groaning) How can she be so sick, but still so strong? Like the economy! (Louise yells, then Linda yells) Okay, that's a problem.
Oh, my God, the oven! ALL: Ah! Oh, my God, the oven to you too, pal! Oh, no, we left it in too long.
Maybe it'll be fine, though.
It's not fine.
I can fix it, I can fix it! Ow! Hot Kuchi! Oh, we're dead.
We're dead.
Oh, God.
We should just leave.
Get in the car and go far away.
I'd love to see Ann Arbor.
Okay, okay, uh, she's all loopy right now, right? Maybe she won't notice? Hi.
Hi there.
(weakly): You have Kuchi Kopi? Uh-huh.
There he is.
Okay, good night! Good night.
Good night, Kuchi.
(screams) Oh, boy.
(gibberish) It was an accident! I dropped him in the toilet and then Tina said we should put him in the oven and then Bob didn't really know the oven, and then Gene smooshed his face, so it's all our faults, right guys? Mm Louise, we're so sorry.
(angry breathing) Honey? Say something.
Get out.
Louise, I know you're really angry right now, and it's a little early to, you know, have some perspective on this and forgive us, but I will never forgive you for this.
Never ever ever! How about what if I (sings) Get out! Okay, okay! That went well.
I can't believe this.
I used to trust my family ALL: We're sorry, so sorry Now they're just a sham to me Did we mention that we're sorry? Destroyed my favorite thing in the world This wasn't our best day Broke the heart of this little girl You can slap us all in the face No amount of slaps can make this right Oh, no, that's not good I guess I'm not the forgiving type.
Whoa, I'm feeling kind of flu-zy.
And the room is kind of woozy.
Was that rug always twirling? 'Cause it makes me feel like hurling.
Whoa! (yells) (grunts) Whoa.
(both scream back and forth) Wait, why are you screaming? I thought that was what we were doing.
Well, let's not.
LOUISE: So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I may be having a fever dream.
It's sort of gloomy.
Is that 'cause I'm, I don't know, mad at my family? Is that how fever dreams work? Hey, I say just have fun with it.
I got to tell you, Kuch, it's kind of hard to look at you.
Is it bad? It's bad.
Not in the face, though, right? Man, my family did a number on you.
We should kill them.
Whoa, what? Too much? Hey, I just remembered.
I have a place here.
A time share.
You have a time share in my fever dream? Yes, it's a beautiful fortress.
There! You can just see it.
Oh, yeah.
Are you looking where I'm pointing? Yeah, it's, like, the only fortress.
Right, but you're not reacting like, "Whoa, that's an incredible fortress.
" It's very nice, it's very nice.
Anyway we should totally go there.
We can be alone, and (whispers): we'll be safe there.
Safe from what? Safe from everyone.
No one will hurt us! Whoa.
Okay, well, um, yeah, let's get going.
Sounds good.
LINDA: Oh, this is awful! Yeah, Louise hates us! I mean, probably me the least, but yeah.
(phone rings) Hello? Hey, Bob, it's Teddy.
From the restaurant.
Are you watching this hockey game right now? No, Teddy.
Ah, well, I wish you were 'cause my cable's out, I want to come over and watch it.
Look, I-it's not really a good time.
We're in the middle of a crisis here.
We kind of melted Louise's Kuchi Kopi night light.
But that's, like, her favorite thing.
We know, Teddy.
Wait, Kuchi Kopi, that's made out of vinyl, right? I don't know, I guess.
Well, why don't I bring over my heat gun and we try to fix it? You have a heat gun? Yeah, I use it to weld PVC pipe for plumbing.
I've definitely told you about it.
Makes me feel like you don't listen to me, Bob.
Anyway, we can use it to mold Kuchi Kopi back to his former self.
Also, maybe if you see the heat gun, you'll remember it the next time I bring it up in conversation.
All right, we're desperate, so come on over.
Maybe we can put the hockey game on in the background.
Bye, Teddy.
Teddy's coming over and he's bringing his heat gun.
Is that a euphemism for his ding dong? It's got an open floor plan, stainless steal appliances.
It's just a really great fortress to go to to get away from it all.
(rustling) Shh.
I think I heard something.
Don't tell me shush.
(Bob's voice): Halt down there! You shall not whoa! Ow! Oh (clears throat) Uh, you shall not pass.
Bakeneko? What's going on? Louise, I cannot allow you to get to the fortress.
What? Why not? (whispers): He's so jealous he's not invited to the fortress.
It's pathetic.
Because the fortress is an awful place.
I mean, who builds a fortress that blocks the sun and makes everything dark and gloomy? Who does that? Probably a cool dude.
That fortress is the worstest And I think it's kind of cursed us You can see it has immersed us In this darkness Wow.
I built a beautiful (falsetto): Sun deck Up there in the trees (normal): You could bring a good (falsetto): Book there And feel the gentle breeze (normal): It had a lovely (falsetto): View of the vicinity (normal): But then they built that fortress there And ruined it for me.
Kill him.
What now? Well, ho-hold on.
Look, Bakeneko, you don't tell me where I can and can't go in my own fever dream.
Why do you want to go there anyway? Well if you must know, to be alone.
That's dumb.
You're dumb.
Your face is dumb.
(quietly): My face is not dumb.
Beat the bear.
Bup bup bup bup bup bup.
(chuckles) I really don't want to fight you.
Ah, then let us pass.
Okay, I'll fight you.
But I'll go easy on you because I'm so big and (Lousie grunts, Bakeneko groans, then wheezes) Okay, not bad.
All you have (grunting) to do is let us pass! (high-pitched grunting): I'm not trying my hardest.
Ha! Just so you know (yells) Oh! Oh, okay, taking a quick break.
Or you can just keep walking.
That's fine.
(mumbling) TEDDY: Sheesh.
It really looks messed up.
You sure you don't just want to replace it? I know a toy guy.
I mean, he's real.
He's not a toy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, Teddy, You could probably get she loves this thing, maybe more than us.
Let's just try and fix it before she wakes up.
Linda, you got the mustard for the switch out? Yes, mustard, check, right here.
This is full.
Is this even the same weight as Kuchi Kopi? Let me see it.
(eating sounds) Now it is.
Thanks, Gene.
You're welcome.
(Tina groans nervously) (all gasp, Louise stirs) (all sigh in relief) How about putting on that hockey game, Bobby? If we keep it low? That was so badass, Louise.
You were like, "Oh, I shall not pass? Well, then why am I passing?" (chuckles) You hear that, everyone that may or may not be in the swamp right now? You don't want to mess with this girl.
No sir! (both yell, creature growls) (nervous chuckle) Hello, pretty swamp monster.
You didn't hear all that super cool trash talk I said before, did you? (growling) (screaming): Okay, I guess you did! (Akkoro Kamui growling) Akkoro Kamui? Is that you? (clearing throat) Yeah.
(coughing) Yeah.
(Linda's voice): Uh, yes, it's me.
So, listen, none shall pass.
(makes fart noise) Just kidding.
But yeah, n-none shall pass.
(laughs nervously) I can't let you get to that fortress, Louise.
It's a bad, bad place.
Allow me to explain.
Here we go.
That fortress is the worstest And it's really kind of cursed us You can see it has immersed us in this darkness Yup.
I threw the best swamp parties I'd serve wine and calamaris And we'd drink and drink and drink and drink and Yup, got it, we got it.
Hold on, I'm not done.
And we drink and drink and drink and Come on, everybody! Drink and drink and drink And drink and drink A little repetitive? And drink and drink all day! But then the fortress made it dark and cold And that is not okay! Yeah! Um, Kuch? Quick side bar? Sure.
(whispering): What's what's up? (whispering): Everyone's got, like, a major problem with me going to this fortress.
What? No they don't.
Well, I'm just saying, maybe there's something about it that I'm not figuring out, or like it's a metaphor.
Well, maybe we get to the fortress and figure it out while we're sitting in the Jacuzzi with eight jet streams, hm? Yeah, okay, fine.
(whispering): What are we whispering about? Oh, hey Akkoro Kamui, come here, I want to tell you something.
Ha! Ow, my face! What Louise? Where'd you go? Whatcha doin'? Wha? Wha? So long, Akkoro P.
-y! High five.
Ah, nuts.
Hey, kind of like a ponytail.
(dryer whirring, stops) Okay done.
TINA: Huh.
You gave him boobs.
Boobs? Those are his arms.
Mmm Look, this thing works much better on PVC pipe.
Any chance Louise would want two pieces of PVC pipe welded together? (sighing): Look, it's all right, Teddy.
Y-You tried.
Well, may I suggest going back to the plan where you just replace it? The toy guy's over on Hillcrest.
Bob, that is right by the all-night pharmacy.
And we need more medicine, since some tricky little sicky knocked it out of my hand.
Won't this toy store be closed? He'll open up for an emergency.
How do you know that? You know when you wake up in the middle of the night, and all you want is to look over and see your little Mumaluma doll that you suddenly remember from your childhood? N uh, no.
And you call around looking, 'cause you just want to pull the little string and hear that little guy say, "Mumaluma, Mumaluma.
" Mm.
No? Nobody? No.
" No.
" No one knows "Mumaluma.
" Sorry.
Stop saying that! Mumaluma! No? Nothing? Not ringing a bell.
Anyway, finally, an angel answers your call, and he's willing to open up his shop after hours for you.
That angel is Clyde.
Wait, what's the toy say again? Mumaluma! No no no no no! Man, I am so sick of my toys trying to stop me from going where I want to go.
Let's face it.
Everybody stinks.
Except me.
I'm great.
Hey, look.
We are close.
LOUISE: Finally! Ugh, I just want to get there, put up my feet (engines revving) and oh, come on! (Gene's voice): Hello.
(Tina's voice): Hi.
Dodomeki, Mizuchi, don't you dare! What? Don't say "you shall not pass"! Uh, well then this will be awkward.
'Cause you shall not pass.
Listen, you're not gonna stop us from getting to that fortress! Oh, speaking of the fortress BOTH: That fortress is the worstest No no no no no no! And it's really kind of cursed us No songs about why you hate the fortress.
Just really just really quick.
LOUISE: No! Because I like to taaaaaan Stop it! Stop it! Mm.
He really does.
Just let's just fight already.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
Time for our game faces.
Here's mine.
(growling) Okay, here's mine.
(howling) Wow, that's good.
Yours is really good, too.
I wouldn't want to fight us.
Me neither, we're terrifying.
We're so ready.
Okay, Louise.
(engines revving) Louise? (Louise laughing) So long, idiots! (grunts) Dammit! Uh-oh.
So, um, do you know the expression, "There's an army of angry toys heading straight for us"? (screaming) Okay, yup, you do.
TEDDY: Uh, thanks for doing this, Clyde.
Yeah, sorry to put you out like this.
I mean, you're in your bathrobe and it's What? This is a jacket.
But okay.
Oh, my God, this is a bathrobe.
That's what I thought, yeah.
I've been wearing this as a jacket for a while.
It looks good.
Really good.
(sighing): Let me see the Kuchi Kopi.
Let me see him.
What happened here? Did you give him boobs? It was an accident.
Those are clearly arms, Clyde.
Look, it's my daughter's favorite toy.
Please, just help us out.
(sighs) So, I assume you know the books, right? What-what books? "What books?" Wh Can I talk to you in private, Teddy? Sure.
What's up? What are you bringing in here? No, he's okay.
What are you bringing in here? No, he does Guy doesn't even know the books! He's okay! The books, Bobby! He's talking about the books! You know the books.
Oh, uh, the what? Yes, the books, I Right? Right? Yeah, the Kuchi Kopi books.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
You know all about 'em.
Sit down.
What? I'm gonna read them to you.
Sit down.
Oh, no, w-we don't need to Also, I could just read them at home myself.
You won't do the voices right.
Sit down.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
(creature-voice): It all started on a chilly night in the enchanted land of (knocking) WOMAN: Clyde! Clyde! Let me in! It's an emergency! Oh, boy.
I need that Tanuki Baby I called about! I told you it's not in yet! Come on, I have an apartment full of people, and I told them that I have a Tanuki Baby, and they were like, "No you don't.
" And I was like, "Yes I do.
" And they said, "Prove it.
" And I said I had to go to the bathroom and here I am.
I have a Tanuki Mama.
That's all I got.
I'll take it! Fine, all right, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Should we sit here, or You stay! Yep.
Got it.
(Louise panting) Bad toys! Bad toys! KUCHI KOPI: I know it's not the right time, but great drawbridge, right? Yeah yeah, very nice.
We got to close it.
We got to close it! (grunting) (gear cranking) LOUISE: Yes! (Louise panting) Ha! We made it! We're safe! Safe from all you punks! (Linda's voice): Punks? (Tina's voice): Ouch.
(Gene's voice): I think we're nice.
You know what else? I love this friggin' fortress! I might just sing about it! Inside of these four walls of stone I'm finally all on my own 'Cause nobody's gettin' in (grunts) No one's on the guest list The bouncers are my two fists No one's gonna hurt this gal 'Cause nobody's gettin' in Scat break down! Skiddy bop-Ba, skiddy bop-ooh Skiddy bop-bop, bop Ba-bop ooh Scatting dat dat, da da da dah! Excuse me.
What the Who are you? I'm Good Kuchi Kopi.
What? Oh, great.
The time share people double-booked us.
LOUISE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa If you're Good Kuchi Kopi, then what does that make him? I mean, I don't really want to say.
Let's just say I'm good Kuchi Kopi.
No no no no, he calls himself Good Kuchi Kopi.
It doesn't make him good.
I could call myself six-pack Kuchi Kopi, it doesn't make me have muscles! Yeah, you're looking good, by the way.
That is just so jerky of you.
You're Jerky Kuchi Kopi.
You are.
You are! You are.
You are.
You! You! You are.
You are! What the hell is going on here?! BOB: Wow, I had no idea how great Kuchi Kopi is.
TEDDY: He's amazing.
It's so cool how he's, like, a spirit that can be different things to different people.
Like Tom Brady.
Clyde actually did a really good job reading.
Yeah, he nailed the Frog King.
Oh, my God, the Frog King was good.
Yeah, right? Huh? That's very good.
Okay, so, what are you doing here, "Good Kuchi Kopi"? Besides killing the vibe.
You don't get it yet, do you Louise? What this place is? Why we've all been trying to stop you from getting here? No, I don't.
But you can keep on being mysterious about it, if you want.
Closing yourself off like this, Louise? Hm? Building angry walls around yourself, Louise? You need to forgive your family.
What? Oh, that's what this is all about? Well, the answer is no! Okay? I mean, look what they did.
Look at his face.
He's hideous.
Okay, that's not necessary.
Forgiving your family would be good for you, Louise.
Not gonna do it.
You think living behind these walls Stop it.
No, I won't stop it.
The end.
Great song.
No, it's not the end.
Means you can't get hurt at all (scoffs) This guy.
Huh, am I right? Shush.
Be quiet.
But that just makes it dark outside Blah, blah, blah is what I'm hearing.
And only you can bring in the light Okay, how long is this going to go on? There's just one thing that will make this right Push that button Push that button Become the forgiving type.
I don't remember that being there.
What kind of contractors would put in a "destroy fortress" button? It was a backup plan.
And also, I thought the place needed something button-ish right around here, someplace.
Louise? No.
No, no, no.
Don't push the button, Louise.
Louise, no! Don't push the button! Oh, crap.
(rumbling) Oh! Oh! ALL: Ah! Oh! ALL: Ah! Jeez I just had the weirdest dream.
Wait a second.
W-Why does he look like that? Why does anyone look like anything? Look at Dad.
What's up with that? No, I mean, I thought you guys melted Kuchi Kopi.
Was that just part of my dream? Uh-huh.
That's it.
Uh, Mom, why are you holding mustard? Uh, 'cause I love it.
(gurgling) She gets it.
Dad, what's behind your back? What? This is just how I stand.
Isn't this how I stand? Yeah, like a matador.
He's our Dad-ador! Aye, buddy? (slapping) Oops.
BOB: Uh-oh.
So it did happen.
We're so sorry, Louise.
We're a bunch of sorry sons of bitches.
Anyway, you don't have to say anything.
We just want I forgive you.
Wa-Wait, wha, wha? I said I forgive you guys.
Oh, boy.
She's still pretty sick.
No, I mean it.
I forgive you.
Oh Oh, good.
Hey, when did old Kuchi Kopi get boobs? I mean, I knew this day would come, but not so soon.
Teddy did it.
Well, I forgive him, too.
Wow, you're a forgiving machine, Louise.
I am.
Come on, give me something else to forgive! Gene, Tina! Go! Okay, uh Ugh.
Oh, Gene! That is unforgivable.
It wasn't Gene.
(chuckling): Wow, Tina.
I'm impressed.
LINDA: All right, Bob, give her the medicine.
BOB: Oh, crap, the medicine.
I'm dreaming of a world Where you forgive your family You seem like a girl That would choose Good Kuchi Kopi Over Bad Kuchi Kopi That flu bug took you on a trip A crazy tough ride But the sickness made you better And I'm glad you didn't die